Could really use some support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Chicago, il
Posts: 14
Could really use some support.
Ugh. I haven't posted here in a while. But I haven't needed to. I posted on this forum about six months ago when my alcoholic ex and I split. I thought things were bad then. I had a few months of feeling great and optimistic, but lately I've been feeling worse than ever. I've heard that my ex is dating other people and moving right along. The past few weeks I've been in such a severe depression that I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I can do this any longer.
Im feeling hopeless and alone. I have plenty of friends and a good solid family to turn to but none of that seems to help. I have this feeling that it's not going to get any better and that I will be alone forever. It was his drinking that ruined our relationship but somehow I'm the one who ended up hurting the most.
I'm in a really, really bad place. I can't pull myself out of it. This probably isn't the most appropriate place to post this but I don't know what else to do. You were all so supportive when I was feeling low before-I'm hoping a little guidance will help to get me out of this mess. I hope this will end soon. Maybe it's the weather or the time of year or the fact that he's found someone else. I don't know. I just feel like my heart has shattered and I really am out of options at this point.
I just want to feel like a normal, happy person again. Even if it's just for a day. I feel like I'm right back where I started. I was doing so well for so long. Now I'm back to the constant crying and lack of sleep and the not eating. I feel like I'm right back where I was when we first split. Why did this happen? I don't understand how I went from doing so well to barely being able to function.
I really need help now more than ever. I feel like I'm in a really dark place and I honestly don't know what to do. I could really use some advice. Thank you all in advance-sending much love your way.
Im feeling hopeless and alone. I have plenty of friends and a good solid family to turn to but none of that seems to help. I have this feeling that it's not going to get any better and that I will be alone forever. It was his drinking that ruined our relationship but somehow I'm the one who ended up hurting the most.
I'm in a really, really bad place. I can't pull myself out of it. This probably isn't the most appropriate place to post this but I don't know what else to do. You were all so supportive when I was feeling low before-I'm hoping a little guidance will help to get me out of this mess. I hope this will end soon. Maybe it's the weather or the time of year or the fact that he's found someone else. I don't know. I just feel like my heart has shattered and I really am out of options at this point.
I just want to feel like a normal, happy person again. Even if it's just for a day. I feel like I'm right back where I started. I was doing so well for so long. Now I'm back to the constant crying and lack of sleep and the not eating. I feel like I'm right back where I was when we first split. Why did this happen? I don't understand how I went from doing so well to barely being able to function.
I really need help now more than ever. I feel like I'm in a really dark place and I honestly don't know what to do. I could really use some advice. Thank you all in advance-sending much love your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Hi Sarah,
You are absolutely in the right place. There are a lot of people here that have a lot more experience than I do but I will tell you I know exactly what you are feeling. When I first separated from XABF I moved to a new place, was surrounded by friends, and was basically in go-mode and doing well considering. I was actually smiling and laughing again, enjoying my time. I was barely there, but it was one small step in the right direction.
Then, XABF moved here, got a new girlfriend almost immediately, and I sank right back into my depression with worse anxiety than ever! I know that really, really bad place you're talking about. I barely make it to work, and don't get out of bed these days unless I have to. I think the grief cycles, comes and goes in waves. It's always there, don't get me wrong, but a lot of times just when we see a light at the end of the tunnel we get sucked right back in. Him dating someone else triggered that intense grief.
I know it doesn't make the pain go away, but trust me when I say he will not change for her. She will not have the relationship you always dreamed of with him, and chances are it won't last long at all if he is still drinking. Hell, even if he stopped drinking he's a long way off from being whole enough to contribute in a healthy way to a relationship.
I know friends and family often do not understand, and even if they do it doesn't seem to help us feel better. Idk, (totally OT but I am having deja vu at this very moment writing this post), but I hear it does get better. The people at alanon will understand, they will help you.
I know what you mean about not eating too...I have lost 6 lbs this week.
You are absolutely in the right place. There are a lot of people here that have a lot more experience than I do but I will tell you I know exactly what you are feeling. When I first separated from XABF I moved to a new place, was surrounded by friends, and was basically in go-mode and doing well considering. I was actually smiling and laughing again, enjoying my time. I was barely there, but it was one small step in the right direction.
Then, XABF moved here, got a new girlfriend almost immediately, and I sank right back into my depression with worse anxiety than ever! I know that really, really bad place you're talking about. I barely make it to work, and don't get out of bed these days unless I have to. I think the grief cycles, comes and goes in waves. It's always there, don't get me wrong, but a lot of times just when we see a light at the end of the tunnel we get sucked right back in. Him dating someone else triggered that intense grief.
I know it doesn't make the pain go away, but trust me when I say he will not change for her. She will not have the relationship you always dreamed of with him, and chances are it won't last long at all if he is still drinking. Hell, even if he stopped drinking he's a long way off from being whole enough to contribute in a healthy way to a relationship.
I know friends and family often do not understand, and even if they do it doesn't seem to help us feel better. Idk, (totally OT but I am having deja vu at this very moment writing this post), but I hear it does get better. The people at alanon will understand, they will help you.
I know what you mean about not eating too...I have lost 6 lbs this week.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Sarah, I am so glad you are here, big hugs to you.
Remember it was easy for him to move on because he is still drinking and it's all about him, what does he really have invested in a relationship?
Please think about getting some counseling, it has saved my life on more than one occasion, I went on Prozac when I was so low that I did not know what to do anymore, the sun finally came back out for me.
If you want to talk or vent I will listen, if you need some propping up, or a big hug, I will be here for you, please do not hesitate to ask for some support.
Big bear hugs,
Bill
Remember it was easy for him to move on because he is still drinking and it's all about him, what does he really have invested in a relationship?
Please think about getting some counseling, it has saved my life on more than one occasion, I went on Prozac when I was so low that I did not know what to do anymore, the sun finally came back out for me.
If you want to talk or vent I will listen, if you need some propping up, or a big hug, I will be here for you, please do not hesitate to ask for some support.
Big bear hugs,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Sarah-
Even though I am not with my problem drinker anymore I continue to find Al-anon a big support.
I also did a lot of research on grief and the cycles of grief. They include denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. We oscillate through each stage.
About 6-12 months out from leaving I experience anger and depression back and forth...once I understood that this was "normal" grieving it allowed me to just "be" with the emotion and not beat myself up about it on top of everything else.
Even though I am not with my problem drinker anymore I continue to find Al-anon a big support.
I also did a lot of research on grief and the cycles of grief. They include denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. We oscillate through each stage.
About 6-12 months out from leaving I experience anger and depression back and forth...once I understood that this was "normal" grieving it allowed me to just "be" with the emotion and not beat myself up about it on top of everything else.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Sarah, (((((HUGS)))))
I separated from my AW of 36 years almost 10 months ago. I was in a really dark place when I left as well. The biggest thing that helped me turn my life around was Al-Anon. If you are not going please attend at least 6 meetings. If you can try several different ones as each has it's own unique flavor.
I am at a point now where I feel good about myself and enjoy life. Al-Anon gave me the tools and support to heal.
Another thing that really worked for me were self esteem affirmations. I found that after I left I had a big hole in me that I had been trying to fill with her, to make me complete. The affirmations turned my attitude around and I learned to fill that hole with me. I am enough just as I am and I don't need anyone or anything to complete me.
Please keep coming back we are all here to support you.
Your friend,
I separated from my AW of 36 years almost 10 months ago. I was in a really dark place when I left as well. The biggest thing that helped me turn my life around was Al-Anon. If you are not going please attend at least 6 meetings. If you can try several different ones as each has it's own unique flavor.
I am at a point now where I feel good about myself and enjoy life. Al-Anon gave me the tools and support to heal.
Another thing that really worked for me were self esteem affirmations. I found that after I left I had a big hole in me that I had been trying to fill with her, to make me complete. The affirmations turned my attitude around and I learned to fill that hole with me. I am enough just as I am and I don't need anyone or anything to complete me.
Please keep coming back we are all here to support you.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Sarah, I'm sorry for your intense emotional pain and depression.
I, too, know those days of just crying on the couch and feeling hopeless about my future. And the shock of disbelief, the trauma, when the addict flips into a different personality. And the shattering that follows.
Keep your life as simple as possible. Attend to your basic needs as if you were just home from the hospital. Wrap yourself in an emotional cotton bandage and accept that for today you are one of the war-wounded and that you need to convalesce.
If you find that you have symptoms of medical depression, which is an imbalance of the body chemistry brought on by unrelenting stress and is a medical treatable illness, go to a doctor for help. Basic medicines, as mentioned above, can bring your chemistry back into normal levels. You can google the Mayo clinic website and read about the symptoms there.
It is essential you block out all information about him. New assaults you do not need.
More will be revealed to you by your higher power about why this separation needed to be and what your destiny is.
When I was shattered, as you are now, I asked my friends to pray for me, I talked to God constantly and asked for strength, I went to weekly counseling, I attended Al-Anon, and I sat by a lot of lakes and in a lot of beautiful parks. I read books about surviving grief and loss.
I was so unhappy that I could not even remember what happiness felt like. But I allowed myself a long period of convalescence. I asked nothing of myself but that.
Sarah, God has so many plans for you and if you will hold on for now, they will be revealed.
Many wishes for your health to return soon.
Your abf will never be happy as long as his disease is active. Never. No matter the facade.
But for you, happiness will come. So just wrap up and heal for now.
I, too, know those days of just crying on the couch and feeling hopeless about my future. And the shock of disbelief, the trauma, when the addict flips into a different personality. And the shattering that follows.
Keep your life as simple as possible. Attend to your basic needs as if you were just home from the hospital. Wrap yourself in an emotional cotton bandage and accept that for today you are one of the war-wounded and that you need to convalesce.
If you find that you have symptoms of medical depression, which is an imbalance of the body chemistry brought on by unrelenting stress and is a medical treatable illness, go to a doctor for help. Basic medicines, as mentioned above, can bring your chemistry back into normal levels. You can google the Mayo clinic website and read about the symptoms there.
It is essential you block out all information about him. New assaults you do not need.
More will be revealed to you by your higher power about why this separation needed to be and what your destiny is.
When I was shattered, as you are now, I asked my friends to pray for me, I talked to God constantly and asked for strength, I went to weekly counseling, I attended Al-Anon, and I sat by a lot of lakes and in a lot of beautiful parks. I read books about surviving grief and loss.
I was so unhappy that I could not even remember what happiness felt like. But I allowed myself a long period of convalescence. I asked nothing of myself but that.
Sarah, God has so many plans for you and if you will hold on for now, they will be revealed.
Many wishes for your health to return soon.
Your abf will never be happy as long as his disease is active. Never. No matter the facade.
But for you, happiness will come. So just wrap up and heal for now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
Sarah,
I could've written this post myself about how you feel. It has been three months for me. Just when I think I see the sunshine, something sets me back. The only difference is I caught him with someone else and he's actually living with her now
So hard to stomach. We have an eight year old and so that means I see him quite a bit. I hope the previous poster is correct in that he won't change for her. I know that sounds awful, but the way I feel sometimes is debilitating!
Just want to send big hugs to you.
Chris
I could've written this post myself about how you feel. It has been three months for me. Just when I think I see the sunshine, something sets me back. The only difference is I caught him with someone else and he's actually living with her now
So hard to stomach. We have an eight year old and so that means I see him quite a bit. I hope the previous poster is correct in that he won't change for her. I know that sounds awful, but the way I feel sometimes is debilitating!Just want to send big hugs to you.
Chris
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Aw, Sarah, ((((HUGS))))
I am one of those people who gets through a situation, toughs it out, handles everything with a smile, and THEN, one little thing can trigger the emotional pitfall. It's much later, and it seems irrelevant to possibly other people who might think, "you're not over this yet, that was months ago!"....and the thing is you never really let yourself feel the emotions all along. Some people call this 'stuffing'. When we live with alcoholics for awhile, we learn a strategy of putting our feelings aside for now and dealing with whatever crisis is at hand.
Your self-talk will need to change from "why is he with someone else and moving on" to "whew, now someone else will have to deal with all that!" From, "I may be alone FOREVER" to "now that's out of the way, I can start to formulate a much clearer path to my future"
The steps between the two statements from extremely low to reasonably high (and achievable) are the One Moment at a Time. What another poster said above about wrapping yourself up to heal is a good idea. Taking care of just your basic needs first:
H.A.L.T.
Are you hungry? Make sure you have good nutrition, even if you don't feel like it.
Are you Angry? Go through those emotions of WHY did I? WHY did he? WHAT do I do now?
Are you Lonely? It feels like something important has been removed when your adrenaline level from not rushing from one crisis to another is relieved. This loss is really a good one, but your mind, body, and spirit take a bit to catch up to the reality.
Are you Tired? Get a reasonable amount of rest. Allow yourself to pause between thoughts.
One of the things that has helped me rise from the ashes is a Gratitude List. At night, instead of journaling, I list those things I AM thankful for. At first, the list seemed pretty small. But with practice, I'm grateful for all sorts of things I might not have even noticed before!!
hang in there and keep posting and reading.
I am one of those people who gets through a situation, toughs it out, handles everything with a smile, and THEN, one little thing can trigger the emotional pitfall. It's much later, and it seems irrelevant to possibly other people who might think, "you're not over this yet, that was months ago!"....and the thing is you never really let yourself feel the emotions all along. Some people call this 'stuffing'. When we live with alcoholics for awhile, we learn a strategy of putting our feelings aside for now and dealing with whatever crisis is at hand.
Your self-talk will need to change from "why is he with someone else and moving on" to "whew, now someone else will have to deal with all that!" From, "I may be alone FOREVER" to "now that's out of the way, I can start to formulate a much clearer path to my future"
The steps between the two statements from extremely low to reasonably high (and achievable) are the One Moment at a Time. What another poster said above about wrapping yourself up to heal is a good idea. Taking care of just your basic needs first:
H.A.L.T.
Are you hungry? Make sure you have good nutrition, even if you don't feel like it.
Are you Angry? Go through those emotions of WHY did I? WHY did he? WHAT do I do now?
Are you Lonely? It feels like something important has been removed when your adrenaline level from not rushing from one crisis to another is relieved. This loss is really a good one, but your mind, body, and spirit take a bit to catch up to the reality.
Are you Tired? Get a reasonable amount of rest. Allow yourself to pause between thoughts.
One of the things that has helped me rise from the ashes is a Gratitude List. At night, instead of journaling, I list those things I AM thankful for. At first, the list seemed pretty small. But with practice, I'm grateful for all sorts of things I might not have even noticed before!!
hang in there and keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Mike and I came here within a few months of each other. For me, it was this time last year, and it was a dark time (literally - winter and figuratively - depression). I can honestly say the phrase "this too shall pass", as mad as it made me to have others say it to me, really holds true.
Today I am having a ball! I decided to go on anti-depressants...mild but effective...and began to deal with my stuff through working the Al-Anon steps and posting here. I separated from my RAH and we remain married but living separately, which amazingly is working for us. For now.
I just rocked a major project at work, my daughters are doing very well, my little house I bought is safe, warm and comfy, my bills are paid and current, the new puppy is potty-trained, and life is good. Not perfect, but definitely good.
Hang in there. This too shall pass, and I have now lived long enough to wholeheartedly believe in that!
Another phrase to throw in here - we are what we think we are. When I decided to think differently about my situation, my situation changed. It was amazing how much power I had - over me - that I didn't really know I had.
Take good care, and be gentle to yourself right now.
Today I am having a ball! I decided to go on anti-depressants...mild but effective...and began to deal with my stuff through working the Al-Anon steps and posting here. I separated from my RAH and we remain married but living separately, which amazingly is working for us. For now.
I just rocked a major project at work, my daughters are doing very well, my little house I bought is safe, warm and comfy, my bills are paid and current, the new puppy is potty-trained, and life is good. Not perfect, but definitely good.
Hang in there. This too shall pass, and I have now lived long enough to wholeheartedly believe in that!
Another phrase to throw in here - we are what we think we are. When I decided to think differently about my situation, my situation changed. It was amazing how much power I had - over me - that I didn't really know I had.
Take good care, and be gentle to yourself right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
It took a lot of courage to ask for help.
I don't know much about your situation except that you are one of us.
I would suggest you google search your zip and "alanon".
Pick up that phone...find a meeting and put some shoes on and go.
Alanon is the only thing that has kept me hanging on on some days.
I am not in a super duper great place but I'm way better than I was. I can do "the next right thing" for myself and my kids whether I need to eat something, take a nap, or just sit and pray for strength. It helps. It gets better.
You can be okay.
Now it has to be about your recovery and that is what alanon is all about. It is about you, making choices that work for YOU, seeing that you ARE worth the effort.
The worst thing that will happen is that you will walk in and for the first 10 seconds you won't know anyone...and then someone will say "hello, I'm XXXX. I'm glad your here".
Those simple words. So welcoming....you will know your not alone.
I don't know much about your situation except that you are one of us.
I would suggest you google search your zip and "alanon".
Pick up that phone...find a meeting and put some shoes on and go.
Alanon is the only thing that has kept me hanging on on some days.
I am not in a super duper great place but I'm way better than I was. I can do "the next right thing" for myself and my kids whether I need to eat something, take a nap, or just sit and pray for strength. It helps. It gets better.
You can be okay.
Now it has to be about your recovery and that is what alanon is all about. It is about you, making choices that work for YOU, seeing that you ARE worth the effort.
The worst thing that will happen is that you will walk in and for the first 10 seconds you won't know anyone...and then someone will say "hello, I'm XXXX. I'm glad your here".
Those simple words. So welcoming....you will know your not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've been in the same place and yes, it is frightening. The only things I know that cut depression is a) action and b) therapy. I suggest you start with fast walking ... you will feel totally different when you stop. Also, Al-anon is a good place to go. Sooo much help.
I went to therapy and went on antidepressants (depression had been a life-long problem for me).
A big hug to you. I was down so far I never thought I'd be normal again. It's not true. Yes it passes. But there are also actions you can take.
I went to therapy and went on antidepressants (depression had been a life-long problem for me).
A big hug to you. I was down so far I never thought I'd be normal again. It's not true. Yes it passes. But there are also actions you can take.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
(((hugs)))
I only got to the spot you're in after over a year after separating. For the first year, I was giddy with excitement about my new life and pumped full of adrenaline and fear of AXH coming after me again.
And then this winter, I crashed. To the point where some people at work asked if I needed money for clothes, because I came to work dressed in whatever was the first thing I saw in the morning, because I Just. Did. Not. Care.
I love this advice from English Garden:
People have been telling me I need to get out and socialize and "put myself out there"... I'm not there. I don't want people around me. I have to walk my own path to where I can see the light again, not somebody else's. Take a moment and allow yourself to feel what you want and need right now.
It will get better. It does get better.
I only got to the spot you're in after over a year after separating. For the first year, I was giddy with excitement about my new life and pumped full of adrenaline and fear of AXH coming after me again.
And then this winter, I crashed. To the point where some people at work asked if I needed money for clothes, because I came to work dressed in whatever was the first thing I saw in the morning, because I Just. Did. Not. Care.
I love this advice from English Garden:
Attend to your basic needs as if you were just home from the hospital. Wrap yourself in an emotional cotton bandage and accept that for today you are one of the war-wounded and that you need to convalesce.
It will get better. It does get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Chicago, il
Posts: 14
I'm hurting in a way that is hard to explain. I'm in a place that I'm having trouble pulling myself out of. Today, at work, I lost it. I broke down. My boss and my coworker pulled me aside and stayed with me for an hour while I cried. I let it all out. I let myself be upset and I let myself talk about it. And it was amazing how many people were reaching out to me. When I stop to take a look around I am shocked at how many peole truly, genuinely care about me. I will never be able to express what that's doing for me.
Not only do I have people in my day to day life that are there for me, I have all of you on this forum. I've found that if I allow myself to reach out there are many people trying to pull me back up. Yes, I am hurting. But I find peace that there really are many people who care about me. I reached out today. I told people I'm hurting. And as I write this my phone is going off with texts and calls from people that care about me. I find so much peace in that.
I'm not sure how long this is going to hurt for and I do feel discouraged right now but I will be ok. I know that now. Im just tired of hurting. I want to be over him but I'm not there yet. Time heals all wounds and I just need to give myself time. I'm trying to remember the good things and keep that in the front of my mind. There's a lot of love in my life and I'm trying to hold onto that.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I always end up posting on here when I'm at my lowest of lows and you all always know exactly what to say. I have so much love for all of you for that. I wish I could express how much all of you mean to me. You guys literally are my lifesaver. I look forward to your continued responses and support. I'm sending much love to all of you.
Not only do I have people in my day to day life that are there for me, I have all of you on this forum. I've found that if I allow myself to reach out there are many people trying to pull me back up. Yes, I am hurting. But I find peace that there really are many people who care about me. I reached out today. I told people I'm hurting. And as I write this my phone is going off with texts and calls from people that care about me. I find so much peace in that.
I'm not sure how long this is going to hurt for and I do feel discouraged right now but I will be ok. I know that now. Im just tired of hurting. I want to be over him but I'm not there yet. Time heals all wounds and I just need to give myself time. I'm trying to remember the good things and keep that in the front of my mind. There's a lot of love in my life and I'm trying to hold onto that.
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I always end up posting on here when I'm at my lowest of lows and you all always know exactly what to say. I have so much love for all of you for that. I wish I could express how much all of you mean to me. You guys literally are my lifesaver. I look forward to your continued responses and support. I'm sending much love to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Sarah, I am so glad we could be here for you, I know for me I cannot wander away from here for to long, this site is like a big warm fire in a snowy landscape, I can walk away do my other things that I need to do, but I need to come back and get warm again, be with my family around the fire, have some cocoa, swap some stories, dry my boots, have a warm cup of soup, and bask in the warmth of friendship and understanding.
Please don't wander so far away that you cannot see the light of the fire, when that happens we all tend to get lost and may not find our way back.
You have my love and friendship always, big hugs,
Bill
Please don't wander so far away that you cannot see the light of the fire, when that happens we all tend to get lost and may not find our way back.
You have my love and friendship always, big hugs,
Bill
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