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Old 01-24-2012, 09:54 AM
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Unhappy oh no...

A picture of my younger brother (22) popped up this morning in my Facebook newsfeed. The photo is of him sitting in a chair, obviously under the influence of something, most likely marijuana and/or alcohol. The photo was taken over the summer.

I'm at a loss. Our father is alcoholic and has been for many years, so the genetic component is there (my paternal grandmother also suffered from alcoholism). My mom and I have been worried about my brother for a while. He seems depressed and doesn't respond to text messages, calls and voicemails, emails... nothing. I know that he drinks, but I don't live with him, so I couldn't tell you how much or how often. Over christmas, he was very irritable. He would yell and get angry at the simplest things (traits similar my dad). I strongly believe that alcohol is influencing his life in a negative way, but I can only suspect.

For my birthday a couple weeks ago, he took me to dinner, ordered a beer and insisted that I get a beer because it was my birthday. I ordered an iced tea. He got irritated when I told him that I didn't want to drink and that if I had I would have ordered it. He then noticed the bar across the street and suggested that we go to the bar after dinner. I suggested we take a walk to the beach instead and he eventually agreed.

I did not cause this. I cannot cure this. I cannot control this.
I did not cause this. I cannot cure this. I cannot control this.
I did not cause this. I cannot cure this. I cannot control this.

In October, I received a text message from him regarding a housing issue he's been having. Something triggered me and I immediately knew that I could not be anywhere near the situation-- it screamed toxic to me. All I could say was, "I wish you the best of luck." I didn't offer him a place to stay, I didn't try to rescue him, I didn't spend hours online looking for him, I just said good luck. I must say that I'm proud that I recognized the possibility for codependent behavior and I avoided it.

My heart sank seeing this photo. Not only is my dad an alcoholic, but the signs are starting to pop up that my brother is also an alcoholic. I knew the possibility was there and I had mentioned my worries to a dear friend about 2 years ago. I guess it's coming true.

This disease ruins families.
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Old 01-24-2012, 10:27 AM
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I'm so sorry. It is so sad. You have reason to be proud of how you are handling it.

My nephew is 18yo. He does a lot of drinking and getting high, like a lot of his friends, but his behavior is different. His attitude is different. It has a hold on him. He isn't doing anything else. It is so frightening to see and facebook puts it all out there. I want to make time stand still for my kids. I'm not sure how I could go through something like that with one of them.
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Old 01-24-2012, 10:32 AM
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((cb))

hate so much to hear of this issues with your brother ~ it's heartbreaking to see them walking down this dangerous path ~

BUT the encouraging part is YOU are a healthy person - you make healthy choices, you don't enable and don't play into his disease ~ you may be the only recovery he sees ~

Hopefully this will lead him to want something different in his life!

Keep taking good care of YOU!!

When our loved ones are at their worst, we need to be at our best!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 01-24-2012, 01:54 PM
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Yes, this disease ruins families..the predisposition to the disease is passed down from generation to generation. Sad, but true.
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:32 PM
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You are doing great, keep up the good work, his situation will resolve itself.

Best of luck,

Bill
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:43 PM
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Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's hard to see your sibling dealing with an addiction.

I have been in your shoes. I would talk to my brother when he was clearly drunk, and argue and fight with him when he wasn't. I asked him to go with me to a meeting and he told me, "My life will not allow me to stop drinking." I think at that time I realized he was far worse than I thought, and there was nothing more I could do. He's also pretty enmeshed with my family so it's pretty much a wrap on that. They're like crabs in a barrel, when you try to crawl out they will pull you back in...if you let them.
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Old 01-24-2012, 03:07 PM
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(((((CB)))))
"Yes, this disease ruins families..the predisposition to the disease is passed down from generation to generation. Sad, but true."

dollydo beat me to it.

I am the product of that predisposition, and I am sober and clean over 30 years, my nephew age 26 (my sister's child 1 of 4) also has the predisposition and is now sober over 3 almost 4 years, he called me instead of his mom, and we 'talked' a lot over about 3 months, at least bi-weekly, (he too, became an addict thanks to a Dr and then the Dr just stop prescribing and NEVER OFFERED ANY HELP, even though "J" asked him several times).

When he called me the last time 'before' rehab (he had insurance, and wanted to know which 2 or 3 were at the 'top of the APPROVED LIST' in the recovery committee, for his insurance company as far as recovery goes, I got him the info, he took the one with 'maximum' of 6 months', stayed 4 1/2 months and was cleared for release, went to a SLE home and back to for another 5 months (his furniture was stored in the 3rd garage space of his mother's home) then got a new apartment and is doing great.

I tell you this before I say BREATHE, Take a slow deep breath, hold for a slow count to 10, exhale and repeat 10 times. This does work, allows your brain to SLOW DOWN, keeps the 'committee' on hold and gives you back the ability to be LOGICAL and use YOUR 'TOOLS'. It really works, I use this method for LOTS of things that happen in my life and IT WORKS.

Your nephew will FIND RECOVERY when he is READY and not one moment sooner.

In the mean time we are here for you and we are WALKING WITH YOU in SPIRIT.

I am sorry you got the news the way you did, but I do suspect in your 'sub conscious' you already knew about the red flags:

[QUOTE]My mom and I have been worried about my brother for a while. He seems depressed and doesn't respond to text messages, calls and voicemails, emails... nothing. I know that he drinks, but I don't live with him, so I couldn't tell you how much or how often. Over christmas, he was very irritable. He would yell and get angry at the simplest things (traits similar my dad). I strongly believe that alcohol is influencing his life in a negative way, but I can only suspect.[QUOTE]

J M H O

I'm not sure if you want to give this site to your sister, but there are plenty of Alanon sites with 'forums that she can post on. That is a personal decision for you to make.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing because we really do care, and you know you can cry, rant, rave, scream and even laugh here as there are folks who defintely understand.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-24-2012, 03:35 PM
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Big hugs. You'd like to think he would draw the "right" conclusions from growing up with an alcoholic. Not everyone does. But seeing someone make those choices despite having seen the damage it can cause is so hard.

Lots of love to you.
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Old 01-24-2012, 05:25 PM
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Thank you all so much for the support. It is much appreciated.

The shock has worn off for the most part. In some senses, I knew it was coming. Once you can recognize the signs they seem impossible to miss. I will be journaling like mad for the next couple days, just trying to get it all out- the pain, the anger, the disappointment, etc.

I have to remember that my brother is not my dad. He is much younger and could turn this around/get sober. I'm cautiously hoping. My dad has been addicted for something like 40 years, so I grew up with him that way. It feels like a whole different game when someone who was once sober is now addicted. It's quite painful.

Thanks again, SR community.
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:03 PM
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I'm sorry, I screwed up and called him your 'nephew' lol and it's your brother.

I sure can be a ditz sometimes, lmao

Have faith. Have faith, just faith. Ask your HP and his HP to watch over him and protect him and let it be. They will take care of him and allow him to 'suffer his 'consequences.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-24-2012, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post

let it be.
Laurie, thank you for that reminder. And I understood what you meant...
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Old 01-31-2012, 09:47 PM
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My brother just got back from Las Vegas. He texted me to tell me about it- pretty much the typical Vegas story (alcohol, women and a celebrity spotting). The reason I'm posting about this is that the entire conversation was just weird. First, he never text messages me to "catch up," it's only when he needs something. Second, he NEVER tells me about his partying habits, which he did this time. And third, it just doesn't make any sense. He's been depressed for months- why is it that all of a sudden it's as if I'm his best friend? The convo was only about him and stopped once he had nothing left to say about Vegas.

Similar to my dad, in the sense of the drastic mood changes and starting conversations about topics that nobody wants to hear/talk about.

I'm not sure how to react to this one.
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