Looking for a safe place to share

Old 01-24-2012, 05:25 AM
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Looking for a safe place to share

I often look around and wonder how the hell did I get here. I've always played by the rules and try to do the right thing. I have always been stong and capable, but right now I am a shadow of that person.

My husband has been struggling with recovery for almost a year now. While he was an active addict, I thought that was the worse thing in the world. Recovery was supposed to be the beacon, the hope. I am finding this even more challenging.

It's hard not to be discouraged, to be resentful. I look at all the problems in my life and realize they are not directly MY problems, but brought to me because of the situation I am in.

I know everyone says it is a choice. MY choice to stay. I honestly don't feel like I have a choice right now in my situation. I have no support system. My Mom is having health issues of her own and can't be burdened with my stuff. I have 3 kids under 6. One with significant special needs and I am his care giver. My own health is suffering from the stress as I was just diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I feel trapped because this man, his slow motion train wreck, is my sole financial support.

I live in fear of his poor judgment and short fusing causing yet more problems. He's already dealing with the fall out of a DUI. Daily life is intolerable when he is not doing well. I walk around on eggshells. Fearful & anxious.

I try to forget for the weeks that go by when he is in a good place and we can go about our days peacefully. But then the decomping hits and I get thrown into the tailspin.

I now know that next time things seem to be going well and I start to feel stronger that it the time I need to start planning to secure my future without him. It's hard to do because I get hopeful that maybe this time it will stick and things will be ok. But the reality is, I am married to a crazy man and I need to accept this is my future unless I change the path myself. I know my children nor myself deserve to live this way.

Please no judgments or tough love. It takes alot for me to pour my heart out and ask for support. Just looking for some hugs. I honestly have no one and feel very alone. I tried an alanon meeting a few months back. Wasn't a good fit, left me feeling more hopeless. It's hard for me to get to more because I have no childcare.

Hoping today is a good day. He's at a AA meeting now. They sometimes help. I am praying today is one of those days. I my overwhelmed nerves could use some peace.
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Old 01-24-2012, 05:38 AM
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Hi HHH, WELCOME and a huge ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))) to you!!! I am so sorry for your situation, and know all to well that Anxiety that you feel, and it is awful, my heart goes out to you!! I hope that you keep coming back here, it helps me alot, and everyone here has been so wonderful. I WISH YOU MUCH PEACE, and will pray for you!!

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Old 01-24-2012, 05:41 AM
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i understand that trapped feeling and with 3 children to care for, you must be exhausted.

all i can offer is that this program works. work your program. you will discover that as we surrender to our hp, unexcpected opportunities begin to present themselves. it's hard to requires a leap of faith...

believe me, i know. i left mine with only 10 in my pocket. no home, no job, no car, no money.

now, i am living in my lovely little apartment, safe and sound and peaceful.

i too felt trapped. what helped me was to start talking about my situation, stop hiding it, begin to look for help and support available to me, reach out to friends and family...

it all worked out fine.

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Old 01-24-2012, 05:49 AM
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Welcome to you, no judgement here, you do as you feel you must, if you need a place to vent, want to talk, need a shoulder to cry on, someone to say great job or some other lillte pep talk then you have come to the right place.

I lived with a self-absorbed prycho for many many years, I am not proud of the abuse I tolerated, but I believe that when the time was right God got me out of there and helped me meet the wonderful woman I am married to today.

Please remember you can send me a note anytime, I promise you that I will repsond only with hugs and words of encouragement.

Big bear hugs to you and your little ones, I will say a prayer for all of you.

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Old 01-24-2012, 06:49 AM
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Hi headheldhigh!
I suffered in a lousy marriage, with 2 small children, and felt that I couldn't survive financially on my own, and in fact it was very very difficult financially when I finally left exH.
He was extremely unreliable with child support, always late, often short. But eventually as my kids got older I was able to go back to school and get a solid safe well-paying career going. And all the financial strain and drain I felt was worth NOT BEING IN THAT MARRIAGE!! Just to be free of the walking on eggshells feeling: priceless.

But it just takes as long as it takes to make the leap, so go easy on yourself, make a little plan just for today to do something, anything, that gives you a little joy and a little peace of mind whether he is stable or in a good mood or not.

You're not alone! Collectively here on SR we've seen everything so glad you're here!

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Old 01-24-2012, 06:59 AM
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I don't have any experience on dealing with children in this type of situation but

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Old 01-24-2012, 07:33 AM
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I can directly identify with recovery being more challenging then active substance abuse.

I recall sitting in Al-Anon meetings hearing the intro words, "We can learn to find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not". It seemed right about the time I discovered how to find some contentment and even happiness with a drinking alcoholic she found sobriety.

Then I rediscovered those two words, "or not". "Or not" has been exponentially more difficult. I now have a walking, talking alcoholic. I no longer have an easy scape goat. I get to take my fair share of the responsibility for the disrepair of the relationship. I get to see how nuts my mind can get and how unloving my attitudes can be because it's not a lifeless but breathing heap that is the perceived source of my problems anymore.

I've certainly considered leaving because leaving would be easy. Easy isn't always best. And, no matter where I go there I am; and I am certain that I would just find another person to exercise my defects on once the vacation wore off. Changing is hard. Recognizing my defects, my participation in the problem and making tiny steps each day to let these things go, correct what I can and continue to make mistakes is hard.

The question I find myself asking is whether or not I want easy/happy or I want freedom. For the longest time I though I couldn't be happy unless it was easy because I despise pain and hardship. But I realized I still wouldn't be free. I'm working on becoming free and that is some serious work because I have done a damn good job bounding myself. Freedom is a state of mind and has very little to do with where my body is. I know I can find freedom, contentment and happiness right where I am and maybe, some part of me wants it to remain hard because when things are easy I get bored and don't apply myself.
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:07 AM
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I'm sorry you are in such loneliness and pain. We all do understand how you feel and your sense of being trapped. You have the three children--one of whom has special needs--and you are dependent on your AH's income. So you are in a very tough, hard place.

In AA and rehabs, they tell the newly recovering alcoholic to "follow direction." Those with years of recovery or those who specialize in addiction medicine tell the newcomer to stop trying to think and control his way to a sober life, but to simply surrender to powerlessness over the disease and to "follow direction" from counselors and other recovering alcoholics.

So the best thing for you in your current situation, with no options for change that you can immediately see, is, I think, to also follow direction from those who have long experience with recovery from the effects of alcoholics in their lives.

My advice is to return to Al-Anon. You may think it won't help, didn't help, but believe me, everyone addiction expert I have ever met or read, will tell you that is exactly where you need to go, weekly, with full commitment, and find someone there who will sponsor you and work the steps just like those in AA work their steps to stay sober and sane.

It is isolation with the alcoholic that I believe makes most wives lose their sanity. Get out of that isolation for your survival and for your children. They need a stable, emotionally healthy mother and if you make a firm commitment to get help for yourself--the kind of help those with experience tell you you should get--then you can save your family.

If you can afford counseling, I would add that. But Al-Anon is free and whether or not it feels like a fit, it is where you should be.

Pay a sitter for an hour and go. To save your family.

God bless. Wishing you a better life.
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Old 01-24-2012, 08:23 AM
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following direction...

that is exactly what i did. i remember the moment actually. my life was unmanageable, i couldn't think straight. i was alone that night living in our guest room, with a large rope in my desk drawer in case he set the house on fire...he was out drinking.

i had been reading SR all day.

i thought to myself, i can not think straight but these people can. they know what they are talking about. they have a way out.

i decided to follow directions.

i followed directions.

i am so glad i did.
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Old 01-24-2012, 09:08 AM
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I'm fairly new here also and I've yet to attend my first alanon meeting. Well...meeting that counts. I did attend one years and years ago and like yourself I didn't go back. I'll be going to my first alanon meeting as an active participant this week.

I have also felt trapped, stressed and overwhelmed with kids etc. I gave up a law degree to be a housewife and mother. Now he has the phd and I have 15 years of being a housewife. I wouldn't give up those years of being a mother....its just the housewife part I resent because it does leave you feeling financially stranded when you think of leaving. I also have one kid thats special needs. Shes 6, almost 7 and quickly leaving special needs behind her. I know not all kids can progress out of their handicaps but some can. I definitely know how stressful and heartbreaking it is to care for our fragile little ones.

I hope you find what I have here....its why I'm going to that alanon meeting. For me I found a clearer head, a release from all those tangled up crazy emotions and most of all, the feeling of moving forward again.

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Old 01-24-2012, 10:54 AM
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So far you've made two steps forward, 1. your secret is out you posted on SR and I'm sure you feel some relief 2. You went to your first Al-Anon meeting which I remember how hard it was to walk into that room, but you did. Nothing needs to be decided right at this moment but starting to make just one plan is not overwhelming. Take some deep breaths, step outside for a few minutes, listen to the birds sing. This situation didn't happen in a day so it won't get fixed in a day, sorry I hate cliches too.

We're here for you anytime of the day or night. Praying for you.
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