Hopeless4now

Wow this is so hard. I love my boyfriend and I just feel like I am on a crazy roller coaster. I have no where to turn but here. I have no one to talk to. I am isolated by my own choice not his. I am not sure what to do. I just know unless you've been here I don't think your understand. Everyone on the outside says just leave but I can't just leave. I love him and I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer or some other disease. I also can't understand why he doesn't want to try. I can't understand why he is so blinded by the alcohol that he doesn't see its destroying us and him and anything good he might could have. I know there is no easy solution or quick fix. I know my posts on here thus far probably say the same things. I just need to find somewhere to voice my concerns and fears. I hope its ok to do that here. I need to find friends I can be honest with. I need people who understand.

dollydo

Cancer and addiction are two different birds. He has a choice to get sober and work a strong recovery program, if he doesn't, it is also his choice.

Might be time to read Codependent No More and go to some Alanon meetings.

You can leave, you don't want to.

He has a disease that there is no cure for, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it's just a matter of whether he is sober or not...and...working a strong recovery program. Relapses
are common, do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the next shoe to drop?

m1k3

I have to agree with everyone so far. Especially about Al-Anon.

The 3 c's are really big here. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Doesn't matter what you do or don't do, what you say or don't say, he will not get better until he is ready to, not one second sooner.

Also, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It is going to keep getting worse unless he gets into a recovery program. There is the very real possibility that today will be the best day of the rest of your life.

The people here, myself included are speaking from experience. I know that I will not EVER put myself through that hell again.

Your friend,

Hopeless4now

Thanks you guys. I know I choose to stay. I love him. There are good days and bad. The good days are great sometimes so great I forget the bad ones. Then the really bad days make me wonder if I am crazy! I tried and am trying Al-Anon. I haven't found a group that is my fit yet. I have only found older groups and it seems like they have accepted their lives with their alcoholics. Like one woman said she just is ok with her husband not buying her gifts and forgetting her birthday. I am not to that point yet either. And I am not bad mouthing Al-Anon - I just think I have to keep looking for the right group. I also know I am just as sick as he is as that point.
I know I didn't cause this and I know there isn't a cure. I just hope it one day gets better.
I also hope I can just find people to talk to until it does get better or I do decide to leave.

EnglishGarden

I understand so well. We are not designed to just walk away from someone we deeply deeply love. It is not our nature. God designed us to love with all our hearts. So to simply decide to leave someone we would do almost anything for, this is an action many cannot take.

So we stay, some of us, and accept the crumbs of relationship with someone who loves alcohol or drugs more than he loves us.

It may take you quite a while to leave--should he not find recovery. And there are some in Al-Anon, as you mentioned, who never leave. They give up hope of having a mutually intimate and protective relationship and they find other ways to fill the hole that absence creates.

But if you are deeply relational, and need the expression of love and intimacy with a stable partner, then eventually the loneliness and pain and the alcoholic crises will force you to leave.

But today you are right where you are, looking for answers, and as long as he is not damaging you physically and not decimating you with ongoing verbal abuse, then it is not necessary to "just leave" until you want to leave.

Continue with Al-Anon, because being isolated with an alcoholic will unhinge anybody. Go to meetings even if they aren't perfect. I find there is always some good to be heard in any meeting. Meetings will give you a reprieve from the imprisonment his disease can bring. If you isolate, his disease will make you very ill. So go. Post here. Do not be alone with the disease of addiction in your life.

Your higher power is watching over you, and everything will come together as it is meant to.

Welcome to SR.

akalacha

((hopeless))) I can So relate to your share. I also live with an alcoholic partner. I have also made the choice to stay with him. For now. He is not abusive,but if that changes in the future my decision to stay will also change. But I love him and choose to stay with him. Even though the situation sometimes makes me feel crazy. But alanon is a big help. So is this forum. Please stick around, read other posts. And take care of yourself. Living with an A is not fun, or easy. But it can be done. You are not alone.

Hopeless4now

Thank you guys so much! I really appreciate it. I'm so glad that someone understands where I'm at and doesn't think I'm crazy or stupid for choosing to stay. I sometimes feel I am but I love him so deeply. I have never loved someone or felt so connected to someone. I can't just walk out him - I still see potential. Yes I sometimes feel all alone or unappreciated or disappointed but sometimes he makes me feel like a goddess who he loves with all his heart.

nicam

It feels GOOD to be idealized, I know. The problem is those idealization phases get shorter as time goes on until they are few and far between. Ask yourself, do you really love him (real love, and not fear-based addictive love, is only possible with 2 healthy individuals IMO) or do you love the way he makes you feel? Like a goddess. Like you are not alone. Are you using him to make yourself feel better? It's clear what you are getting out of this relationship from your language.

Men who idealize women will eventually cycle between that and devaluation. The idealization is phony in a sense, a tactic used by them to keep you attached.

I felt the SAME exact way about XABF in the beginning and 2 years later I am trying to recover from being devalued and discarded as well as abused after the honeymoon phase. That whole "I have never loved or felt so connected to someone," thing...been there, thought I felt that too. It's all part of a package deal that will most likely turn out to be a giant ripoff.

It doesn't sound like you are staying for the right reasons. How long have you been with this man? What kind of behaviors does he exhibit that cause you concern? Some more details might help.

I know how you feel though, it's so hard to leave when there are still good times, love, and tenderness. We all want to feel loved, it's human nature. A's tend to lay it on thick in the idealization phase and move fast. The charm and attentive doting seem so refreshing after dating stable men who do not display exaggerated emotions. The irony in this is that alcohol numbs emotions, so they actually have less capacity for love while actively drinking. The idealization is to overcompensate, it's manipulative and deceiving. They know exactly what to say to you to make you believe you are "the one." You feel SO special...

Please be careful. Things are often not as they seem with A's. But then again, maybe I am just a jaded b**ch.