meganw1972

I know I am stupid. He came home from rehab 2 weeks ago. I week out of rehab he started to drink again, though he kept going home from rehab. Friday I came home from work and he was gone. Found a note saying that he is hopeless, he needs to figure this out for himself, and he was breaking up with me. Of course, he has been at his mother's house drinking ever since. I believe more what he told me earlier, "I wish you would break up with me so I can drink myself into oblivion."

Stupid me, I keep on saying if only. I know it is wrong, but I feel if only I had done something more right he would still be with me in rehab and sober. I know that isn't right. Every one is saying, thank god you are now without him, but I keep feeling, if only he would come back and be sober, everything would be perfect like it was before. I know I can't take him back, if only for the fact that he broke up with me by note the week before my 40th birthday, and I won't. But tha tnagging voice inside keeps saying, if only.

I am afraid he will drink himself to death. He only stopped drinking before when he was involuntarily hospitalized after a suicide attempt. I miss him so much, and want my Greg back, but I know that my Greg is long gone, replaced by the alcoholic within. help me to get over this if only feeling, please

naive

dear megan-

you are not stupid. you are also not responsible for the choices another makes. that doesn't make it any easier to watch someone you love self-destruct. i'm sorry you are in so much pain.

it appears he wants to drink in peace right now, without someone troubling him to get sober. that is his human right. it's his life.

now, what about your life? perhaps try to do something nice for yourself today...a long hot soak in the bath with some essential oils? light a few candles and put some music on? a nice long walk?

we're here for ya.
naive

suki44883

Naive is right. It is so sad to watch someone we care about when they are in self-destruct mode, but we can't control another person. His life, his choices.

I hope you will do something nice for yourself.

choublak

Be glad he was honest with you.

sesh

Sorry you're feeling this way. I know how hard that is.

I'd like to second what naive and suki said, you can only control your own life not his.

Maybe it would be helpful for you right now not to think of things in such definite terms. He might drink himself to death eventually, but he might not. You can not influence that outcome in any way (you can only drive yourself insane by thinking about it). But you can give yourself some room to breath by not predicting the future.

He is where he is right now, and he has his own path to follow. You need to learn to let go. that is of course much easier said than done, but it can be done. In my experience that is the only way you can make things better for yourself, feel better.

I notice you're new to this place, so I highly recomend sticking around and reading as much as you can. There is some great knowledge and wisdom here, epecially in the stickies section on the top of the forum.

The more you learn about alcoholism the easier it gets to survive the ordeal you're in.
I'm afraid there is no shortcuts, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep going forward.

And of course you're not stupid, you're just hurting

Keep posting
we're here for you

Willybluedog

MY mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, I thought if I was a better son she would stop, if I loved her more she would stop, if my dad was a better husband she would stop.

I finally got the memo,

Dear everyone,

I love wine more than you, deal with it.

Mom

All I can do is work on me, and please don't call yourself stupid, words like that burn into your brain and stay there. How about this instead, I deserve better! I deserve to be loved! I am the only person that can make me happy! We can go on all day, but replacing a negative thought with a positive one is the only way to make yourself climb out of this hole.

I agree with the others, do something nice for yourself, and get some friends together for your 40th birthday party and have fun.

If you need an ear, or a shoulder please don't hesitate to let me know, it's ok to ask for help and hugs here, anytime day or night, we all want you to feel better and be better.

Bill

m1k3

Sharing my experience I would strongly recommend going to al-anon. Thanks to the tools I got there I was able to start putting my life back together, to detach from my alcoholic wife (AW) and find my center and inner peace. I truly believe that al-anon and SR saved my life.

One of the things I discovered in the course of my recovery was that I had a hole in myself that I tried to fill with my AW. But I could never fill that hole. Now I am filing that whole with myself. I have learned that I don't need another to complete me, that I am enough just as I am.

So please consider going to al-anon.

Your friend,

MsMahon

My AH used to go stay with his brother when he wanted to have a massive binge, sometimes lasting several weeks. I always took him back believing his promises to get detoxed and stay off alcohol. I have lost count of the number of times that happened.

Fortunately I found SR and spent every waking moment reading and re-reading everything here for the past two years. I finally joined the community a few months ago.

I now know that I can do nothing to stop him drinking. I have accepted that.

We separated 14 months ago. I still feel incredibly sorry for him, and until very recently I felt very guilty that I had "abandoned" him.

However, a couple of things I read here recently keep me strong:

Let go or be dragged
and
There's no point in 2 people dying from one person's disease.

SR has kept me sane. The collective wisdom here has addressed nearly every issue I've had.

The number of times I feel I've been reading my own story posted by someone else was eye opening. Alcoholics seem to be the same the world over and are predictable.

I hope you get the strength you need here at SR Megan. Keep reading.

I remember how difficult it was for me when I realised the man I married was no longer there. The alcoholic he'd become was mean, deceitful, cruel, dishonest and frightening. Yet I still tried over and over to help him thinking that if he stopped drinking, the man I married would re-appear and we'd all live happily ever after.

It never happened. He just got worse and worse. He has now lost his family and I still find it hard not to feel sorry for him. But he is making his choices and I can't do anything about that. He is just living with consequences of his actions.

What a terrible disease this is.

meganw1972

Thank you all so much for your support. I went to Alanon for a little bit, and found it helpful, but didn't go back since he relapsed again. Maybe it is time I did. You all have been so helpful, I really appreciate it and wish you the best in your situations also.