Dealing with a sober boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Park city, utah
Posts: 7
Dealing with a sober boyfriend
Hi, I am not alcoholic and I never drink alcohol. I came into this site to seek and find the answers for my question and hoping that somebody will help me.
I just recently got dumped by my boyfriend who has been sober for over 2 years. The breakup was kind of a shock to me and I am having a hard time dealing with it. We started talking in May of last year and official had a serious relationship by September 2011. He was divorced 3 times and I am single. Everything was going great and I thought that I finally found the person that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. He has two children from his first marriage and he was so good with them. Advicing them how to be responsible, live with integrity, respectful and always reminding them to love and be supportive with their family. They just adored him, for them he is an awesome and wonderful Dad. We spent couple of nights in every week together, spent the holidays, went for vacation and talked about our future together. We were so happy, full of joy and laughter at the moment that we're together. I thought that things were going great. I supported his sobriety by going and watching him chair, and understanding his need to attend meetings on a daily basis. Just 2 days ago, we set a dinner for and he confirmed and he said that he was so happy to see me and be with me and we even set up for a lunch and some fun with his children together. So I cooked foods for him or for our dinner. Then just 2 hours before our set up time, he just called and said that he's not coming. Though I was disappointed, i just let my disappointment pass by. Then the next day, I asked him if he's ok or if everything is going well with him. Then he said he has having migraine... then followed by a text messages that we will just be friend. He didnt want to see me and didnt want to talk with me. I was so upset and so much pain i felt in my heart and up to this very moment. I did everything for him, I loved him and supported him, (not financially but, emotionally), and was open and honest with him about everything and this is how he treats me? I am having such a hard time dealing with this so I decided to get some advice. The scary thing is, is that I don't think he will ever talk to me again. Please give me some advice. I am trying to find some closure.
I just recently got dumped by my boyfriend who has been sober for over 2 years. The breakup was kind of a shock to me and I am having a hard time dealing with it. We started talking in May of last year and official had a serious relationship by September 2011. He was divorced 3 times and I am single. Everything was going great and I thought that I finally found the person that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. He has two children from his first marriage and he was so good with them. Advicing them how to be responsible, live with integrity, respectful and always reminding them to love and be supportive with their family. They just adored him, for them he is an awesome and wonderful Dad. We spent couple of nights in every week together, spent the holidays, went for vacation and talked about our future together. We were so happy, full of joy and laughter at the moment that we're together. I thought that things were going great. I supported his sobriety by going and watching him chair, and understanding his need to attend meetings on a daily basis. Just 2 days ago, we set a dinner for and he confirmed and he said that he was so happy to see me and be with me and we even set up for a lunch and some fun with his children together. So I cooked foods for him or for our dinner. Then just 2 hours before our set up time, he just called and said that he's not coming. Though I was disappointed, i just let my disappointment pass by. Then the next day, I asked him if he's ok or if everything is going well with him. Then he said he has having migraine... then followed by a text messages that we will just be friend. He didnt want to see me and didnt want to talk with me. I was so upset and so much pain i felt in my heart and up to this very moment. I did everything for him, I loved him and supported him, (not financially but, emotionally), and was open and honest with him about everything and this is how he treats me? I am having such a hard time dealing with this so I decided to get some advice. The scary thing is, is that I don't think he will ever talk to me again. Please give me some advice. I am trying to find some closure.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I am so sorry, I wish I had some good advice, my first wife came home one day and told me that she wanted out, I kept pushing until she finally told me she was having an affair with a guy from work, it ripped me in half for quite a while, finally I got some help, found a great counselor and focused on myself instead of her. Hope you can move forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
It's possible he has a pattern of doing this as you mentioned he had been married three times and it's very possible he's unable to sustain a long term relationship. It's also possible he has relapsed or is getting close to relapsing as two years sober is really not that long of a time to be in recovery. I wish I could give you some advice but from my experience you may never really know what goes on in a recovering addicts mind or why they do what they do. They don't even know sometimes. You could ask him why he left but I seriously doubt you would get a truthful or real answer. It's risky getting involved with a RA who has only been sober for two years. The sudden mood changes were too much for me to ever deal with again. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's hard to understand how someone can change on a dime, but there are many out there that do and it leaves us with so many unanswered questions.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
This is a very familiar story.
I continue to be astonished by the selfishness and ruthlessness of some addicts, both in recovery or active.
A good book on alcoholic behaviors is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Reading it might help you get your mind straight, after being so blindsided.
You did not deserve this kind of treatment.
But it is a familiar story.
I'm sorry for your pain and shock. Try to have faith that your higher power is protecting you.
Blessings.
I continue to be astonished by the selfishness and ruthlessness of some addicts, both in recovery or active.
A good book on alcoholic behaviors is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Reading it might help you get your mind straight, after being so blindsided.
You did not deserve this kind of treatment.
But it is a familiar story.
I'm sorry for your pain and shock. Try to have faith that your higher power is protecting you.
Blessings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Park city, utah
Posts: 7
thank you to everyone who share their ideas and experiences... those were highly appreciated.
One more thing to ask for, My bf was sober from alcohol but then during his early recovery he got addicted to coffee (caffeine). I did some research about addiction especifically in alcohol and it says that once addiction was suppressed, another addiction will start. So he managed to control not to take even single drop of alcohol for over 2 yrs. now but he became addicted to coffee as he was drinking maybe like more than 10 cups in a day. Just recently he got a health problem, he got sick and doctor adviced him to stop drinking coffee. So he never drink coffee for more than a week now, no alcohol and no soda. I'm wondering if that was the cause of his sudden changes of his behaviour , emotional and mental condition? What do you think?
One more thing to ask for, My bf was sober from alcohol but then during his early recovery he got addicted to coffee (caffeine). I did some research about addiction especifically in alcohol and it says that once addiction was suppressed, another addiction will start. So he managed to control not to take even single drop of alcohol for over 2 yrs. now but he became addicted to coffee as he was drinking maybe like more than 10 cups in a day. Just recently he got a health problem, he got sick and doctor adviced him to stop drinking coffee. So he never drink coffee for more than a week now, no alcohol and no soda. I'm wondering if that was the cause of his sudden changes of his behaviour , emotional and mental condition? What do you think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Park city, utah
Posts: 7
I could hardly deal with this pain i felt that my sober BF left me just like that... without any cause..I could hardly understand ..and its really hard to move on coz we didnt had bad times, every moment was a happy and a great pleasure. I cried so much and this makes me sick... its killing me....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You will be ok, Izzah..I know this hurts. I've been through many breakups myself..you always think it will kill you, but I swear..you are stronger than you realize.
You may at some point hear from him. If he truly is in AA (you didn't say whether he was or not) and really taught his kids to live with integrity, then his conscience will bother him that he did such a terrible thing to you. If he doesn't get in touch with you and explain things, then..you dodged a bullet. He must not have the ethical character you thought he did.
You may at some point hear from him. If he truly is in AA (you didn't say whether he was or not) and really taught his kids to live with integrity, then his conscience will bother him that he did such a terrible thing to you. If he doesn't get in touch with you and explain things, then..you dodged a bullet. He must not have the ethical character you thought he did.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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Well, first I will say WELCOME (((((izzah)))))
Now whether this has anything to do with his alcoholism or not who knows. I doubt if the coffee has anything to do with it either. I'm sober and clean over 30+ years and I drink LOTS of coffee, probably more than your BF. Is it another addiction? I don't know, maybe yes, maybe no, but I have become quite specific in the 'types' and 'flavors' that I like to drink.
You had 'Red Flags' from the get go on this. He has been MARRIED AND DIVORCED 3 TIMES. Not a very impressive track record. I suspect though that he has been working with his sponsor, at 2 years there are a lot of emotions that are coming to the fore and we have to learn how to do this sober, and possibly realized that he not relationship material at this time.
The other thought that did cross my mine is that he has picked up again. Now don't gasp, it is a definite possibility.
Sorry, but I think you had a bit of a 'fantasy' going there. His track record does not indicate that he is a good catch at all.
I know it HURTS right now. But, it will get better, and the 'hurt' will fade.
Something else you might want to remember, we A's stop maturing emotionally and mentally from when we picked up. We don't start growing again until we find recovery. So, if he started using at 15 or so, then with his 2 years into recovery you are dealing with a 17 year old boy, a teenager emotionally and mentally.
How about, you do some work on you, to see what 'drew' you to him, your codependency starting to rear it's head. You might want to check out some Alanon meetings in your area, they would be a great help to you, whether he comes back or not.
Also check out and read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read around and see for yourself that there are folks here that have been where you are now.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Now whether this has anything to do with his alcoholism or not who knows. I doubt if the coffee has anything to do with it either. I'm sober and clean over 30+ years and I drink LOTS of coffee, probably more than your BF. Is it another addiction? I don't know, maybe yes, maybe no, but I have become quite specific in the 'types' and 'flavors' that I like to drink.
You had 'Red Flags' from the get go on this. He has been MARRIED AND DIVORCED 3 TIMES. Not a very impressive track record. I suspect though that he has been working with his sponsor, at 2 years there are a lot of emotions that are coming to the fore and we have to learn how to do this sober, and possibly realized that he not relationship material at this time.
The other thought that did cross my mine is that he has picked up again. Now don't gasp, it is a definite possibility.
I thought that I finally found the person that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
I know it HURTS right now. But, it will get better, and the 'hurt' will fade.
Something else you might want to remember, we A's stop maturing emotionally and mentally from when we picked up. We don't start growing again until we find recovery. So, if he started using at 15 or so, then with his 2 years into recovery you are dealing with a 17 year old boy, a teenager emotionally and mentally.
How about, you do some work on you, to see what 'drew' you to him, your codependency starting to rear it's head. You might want to check out some Alanon meetings in your area, they would be a great help to you, whether he comes back or not.
Also check out and read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read around and see for yourself that there are folks here that have been where you are now.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
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