quetzal

I never really got angry at him. I've had my moments with the way it fell apart, I'm more hurt and devastated then anything. Now I just miss him in my life. He was my friend and my AHBF. I know he thinks about me, and I shouldn't wonder why he doesn't call, I know that he is so overwhelmed by his problem that trying to mend things with me (the way I want them) is not something that he can do. I wish it was. Everyday that passes makes me feel more and more like we are losing each other. I've stayed busy, I'm doing all I can to detach but I'm so hurt that he is gone. I need relief.

Willybluedog

It's so hard, my wife left, she was cheating on me, we could not stand each other anymore and I still felt like my guts were ripped out, I should have been glad she was gone, but my fear of abandonment was so strong that I was near suicide, it took me the better part of a year to see how lucky I was that she was out of my life.

Things always look their worst up close, a little time and distance will help alot.

If you need someone to talk to or lean on I will be here.

Big hugs to you,

Bill

LostinBA

Quetzal,

Sorry you are feeling the pain. It seems to be something that the "non" alcoholics in the equation have to deal with. Quite a few times I have thought that it would be better to be the one who has no guilt or concern about anyone but themselves. I have been going through this for over two months now, and I can tell you, the thoughts stay there, but time does seem to help. Perhaps I can provide you with some perspective, to see that what you are going through, while terrible, it could be worse. I took the time tonight to list out some of the things that "my" alcoholics decision to leave will result in: After 7 years of marriage, she decided that she was going to drink and left: results (you should hear a drum roll here) (By the way I "could" be feeling a little anger!)

1. Not there for the death of one of her dogs
2. Walked away from her 2 year old dog that she had for two years
3. Loss of house
4. Loss of travel trailer
5. Bankruptcy (Headed that way, hence 3 & 4 above)

And I'm sure there are other things that I'm missing. What you don't see in that list is "Me". I wasn't important enough for her to quit. So I'm not on the list.

It will take some time, but you will move on. Look at the happy things you had with this person, and also look at the unhappy things you had. They won't equal out, but when your feeling low, look at the unhappy things again and use that for strength to keep moving forward.

Impurrfect

(((quetzal))) - I, too, went through grief with ex's even though they were pretty dysfunctional and could not be the person I wanted them to be, nor give me what I wanted.

The good news is, we get through it. Be gentle with yourself, grieve, and keep on doing what you need to do to get through this time. Busy is good, but there were times I just needed to cry, write out a list of why he was NOT good for me, and then cry again.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

quetzal

Thank you all, I have cried so much and I know that time will heal, so difficult to not reach out. I just miss parts of us. He is so far beyond destroyed and dysfunctional I recognize this (SOMETIMES...lol)... Tonight I wanted to call or txt but talked myself out of it. Why start DRAMA? It would either go down a dark and twisted path or lead me on, give me false hope. EIther way I would have been screwed. I had everything on his list of the AWESOMEST GIRLFRIEND... But yes when I make a list there are things that he had that I don't think I cold accept (sober or drunk)...

Again thank you... One day at a time

FindingPeace1

I FEEL you!!
I am post divorce by 7 months and I became overcome today by the missing!!
Of course, I know if I got back together with him, it still would not be or get any better or different.
Most days I don't think of my AXH. Today, I was overcome thinking of the loss of my gorgeous, generous partner.

Nothing to do but feel the ache.
Know the truth.
Love yourself and him in his suffering.
Breathe.

Tomorrow will be another day.

Hugs.

breakingglass

,,

breakingglass

it may sound cold to say this but i think i miss my dog, my house, my yard, my pool, all the things i put into the house, the renos and new furniture...more than i miss him.....but i know in my heart that those are all just "things" and i will be happier alone and away from my AH. it is never easy to leave your life behind and the best you can do is anticipate the wonderful things to come in the future.

quetzal

Thank you friends, woke up still feeling emptiness with the need to vent these feelings. I really wish I could just call him and have a healthy dialogue... not so. I guess I'll have to find a way to do this as my friends are MIA. I just keep reading your posts and hoping some of it will sink in ...

NYCDoglvr

What helped me was keeping the focus on the terrible things my ex did to me and the pain I felt and to understand that the terrible longing I felt was part of my addiction. It was magical thinking that after all the bad stuff people do change. Trust me, no one really changes, even when an alcoholic puts down booze they're still very screwed up. I had to learn the difference between love and need (a big one). And, if I want a good life then I don't bring alcoholics and other messed up people into it.

Trust me, THIS WILL PASS.

quetzal

Thanks NYCDoglvr,

I know it will, just feeling a bit impatient at the moment... feeling like I did weeks ago...UGHH!!! thought I was past it - Not so... Time, time, time

Willybluedog

quetzal,

Have you ever written him a letter telling him how you feel, how much he hurt you, etc (not to be mailed of course).

I did this, I slept on it, I reread and refined it, I got everything in there I wanted, it was perfect, then I lit it on fire and burned it in the fireplace.

All I had left of the letter, was the same thing I had left of the relationship, ashes and memories, but I cleansed my system, I felt better than I had in a very long time, it allowed me to move on.

Hugs to you quetzal, I will be here if you need more.

Bill

quetzal

So many letters written filled with different feelings. Yes for the last month 1/2 that is what I've been doing. I think what really helped was listening to Melody Beattie, she seemed to be there (her words) in my darkest hours. I went out last night with friends and had a few drinks. I didn't get drunk but when I got home of course I felt down. It had been so long since I had gone out with friends, I need to wait before I do that again. I woke up this morning sluggish and lazy (so unlike me). I know it was the booze... So funny how being around an alcoholic makes you so "Paranoid" or self aware of your drinking and how "Uncool" that can be too, in reality it totally set me back. I haven't drank in awhile so I think it def affected my mood and I don't need that in my life.... such a waste...

Thanks WBD - I really appreciate your input

FindingJoy

I'm new to this forum and I'm so thankful for finding it.
Like you im thinking that I miss my EXAB. I only left him for real 3 weeks ago after 2 year of the insane roller coaster pattern of being with an addict.
Maybe something I say will help you.
The pattern goes like this: good for a few days (and by good I mean treating me like a normal caring person should), him starting to act passive aggressive probably because he isn't getting heavily praised for being a "good boy," I ask whats wrong why are you acting so cut off etc... And then he gets mean or hurtful, then his disappears, when he starts feeling lonely (not lonely or scared versus feeling sorry for his behavior) then the sweet text messages, emails, phone calls, gifts start. If I do t respond the way he wants me to (instantly and with wide open arms like nothing happened) then he finds some sort of punishment for me. This could be ignoring me, withholding love, being aloof, not helping with basic chores... Basically whatever he thinks will work to get a response out of me. AND GUESS WHAT? Up until 3 weeks ago his strategy worked like a charm each time even when I was very aware of the 864th time this was happening. WHY? Clearly because I wasnt ready to love my self enough to know and feel I deserve much better and won't except anything but else.

After saying all of this I started missing my EXAB last night. It helped me by remembering this is all part of the cycle and I broke the cycle. What was I missing? The person who he pretended to be when he was wooing me into his deep dark world. This person never existed. It was just a false persona that he created to get what he wants. How can you miss or love someone or something that never existed?

Much gratitude for everyone here

sandrawg

I've been broken up with my exabf over a year. It was really bad in the first few months but gradually got better as my life improved and became more peaceful. No more fighting over going to the bar. No more having him show up at work functions wiht alcohol on his breath. No more smashing in my phone or my wall. No more 2am post-bar drunken nonsensical rants with cursing and throwing things and threatening to leave that go on for 2 hours for NO REASON. No more traumatic suicide threats. No more broken promises. No more hiding things behind my back. No more lies. I could go on and on..

Eventually, you will not miss him at all but just feel relief that you did what was best for yourself. My exabf is still drinking, btw.

FindingJoy

Your words of encouragement are very helpful. I know these feelings will pass overtime. I played a clear part in this destructive cycle and I'm in the detox process.