stressed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
stressed
So much info going through my mind. The Al-Anon pamphlet says if the alcoholism continues, it will result in insanity or death. These are not good options. They tell me not to nag or scold or argue.Yesterday, I asked AH where he's going and he says to go get a few regular beers...I just said...o.k...He came back with 24 oz. Icehouse beer. He went a few days not drinking or hiding it probably and then He gets my permission to drink openly again. I have no money and the car is out of gas but he has beer and I am trapped. I cant go anywhere and leave kids with him. He is in such denial that this is a problem and I have tried the verbal coping strategy which never works. I guess if all the articles and pamphlets are true and I have tried all these strategies, it is now time for the alternate phase...there's no order. You can go back n forth from the active phase to the reactive phase to the process of separation which can be more traumatizing the longer it takes than the actual separation. And if our only other choice is to watch him go insane or die...Also the alcoholics weapons are the ability to arouse anger and anxiety. They are portraying an image of self hatred and when we strike back, it is then verified and gives them additional reasons to drink again. So By not knowing about the disease I have enabled..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It's also said the disease of addiction thrives in ignorance. As scary as it may be to begin the journey of understanding alcoholism because of what we learn, what we learn is empowering to our situation in the long run. You may be trapped right now, in this moment, but not forever. You actually have lots of choices, but right now they are overshadowed.
Remember the 'just for today' that we can do anything for 12 hours that would appall us if we had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Hang in there, tcb. Keep reading, keep talking, keep coming back.
Remember the 'just for today' that we can do anything for 12 hours that would appall us if we had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Hang in there, tcb. Keep reading, keep talking, keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Would you have been okay with it if it was regular beer? I am just wondering if you are more upset that he is drinking at all or drinking the Icehouse.
I sooooo understand what you are going through, and have lived it. I get a big pit in my stomach reading your post because it brings back some horrible times in my life. I'm not sure if I have shared my story with you or not, but the shortened version is...
I was "stuck" in the relationship with 2 small children. I was the only one working and I couldn't trust him to take care of the kids, so even though he was home I was also paying for daycare. He drank all day, using my money. I never had enough for the bills or the basics. I wanted to leave. I felt trapped. I hid it from everyone.
One day I stopped hiding it. Stopped lying for him. It's amazing how quickly I realized that I wasn't trapped. I moved out with my daughters almost 2 years ago. It hasn't been easy-single parenting, financially...but you know what? I don't have a 40 year old child spending my money, messing up my house and leeching off of me. It's actually easier, and surprising how much better financially. I don't think I ever realized how much of MY hard earned money he actually spent. And that's just the added bonus. My girls and I no longer tip toe around our own house. We are happy, healthy and away from the daily alcoholic chaos.
I hope you find your way, whatever it may be. You just have to decide what YOU want. Quit worrying about his feelings. He doesn't worry about yours! Do what is right for you and your children.
I sooooo understand what you are going through, and have lived it. I get a big pit in my stomach reading your post because it brings back some horrible times in my life. I'm not sure if I have shared my story with you or not, but the shortened version is...
I was "stuck" in the relationship with 2 small children. I was the only one working and I couldn't trust him to take care of the kids, so even though he was home I was also paying for daycare. He drank all day, using my money. I never had enough for the bills or the basics. I wanted to leave. I felt trapped. I hid it from everyone.
One day I stopped hiding it. Stopped lying for him. It's amazing how quickly I realized that I wasn't trapped. I moved out with my daughters almost 2 years ago. It hasn't been easy-single parenting, financially...but you know what? I don't have a 40 year old child spending my money, messing up my house and leeching off of me. It's actually easier, and surprising how much better financially. I don't think I ever realized how much of MY hard earned money he actually spent. And that's just the added bonus. My girls and I no longer tip toe around our own house. We are happy, healthy and away from the daily alcoholic chaos.
I hope you find your way, whatever it may be. You just have to decide what YOU want. Quit worrying about his feelings. He doesn't worry about yours! Do what is right for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
I tried reading and learning and staying and helping.....and I don't know if it did any good.
Part of me says that without me he would have been a drunken bum because its who he seems to want to be...but then, maybe he would have been able to kick alcohol completely. Or maybe he would have been absolutely fine and have ended up a slightly different version of exactly who he is right now...a functional alcoholic.
The main thing is that all the reading and trying to understand and trying to help and trying to be what I thought I needed to be or should be didn't bring a happy ending.
In less words...all my best efforts to love him didn't build anything good.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't think all that knowledge your trying to gain and use can do any good unless hes the one wanting to learn it and use it.
Part of me says that without me he would have been a drunken bum because its who he seems to want to be...but then, maybe he would have been able to kick alcohol completely. Or maybe he would have been absolutely fine and have ended up a slightly different version of exactly who he is right now...a functional alcoholic.
The main thing is that all the reading and trying to understand and trying to help and trying to be what I thought I needed to be or should be didn't bring a happy ending.
In less words...all my best efforts to love him didn't build anything good.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't think all that knowledge your trying to gain and use can do any good unless hes the one wanting to learn it and use it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 181
The first thing we learn in Al-Anon is that we r powerless over the alcohol... I know and That I can not save him or help him. I am supposed to feel a sense of relief and hope in that...that I can help myself and children. Where is the hope in realizing u r powerless over it? Only to stop trying and get on with a happier life...I am upset about the icehouse because he lied and I didn't even call him out on it...And he gets way more drunk faster.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The hope is in the reality. He is who he is regardless of whether you "call him out on it" or not. You have no control over what he does. If you delude yourself into thinking you do, then you are frustrated, unhappy, and stressed out. If you accept that you have no control over what he does, then all that energy that is wasted on attempts to control him can be used to make YOUR life better.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
My partner fought this disease for years and one day I left.
This is his battle, not yours. You sound like you are sooo supportive but honey who is there to support you?? It is an awful disease, especially when you are a bystander. You need all the strength to look after you.
Stop right now and think to yourself - if this was a movie (and so often it doesnt feel real!) and you were watching, what would you say to the girl in your position.
You deserve happiness. Do something nice for yourself each day - even if its just small, look in the mirror and say to yourself "I am a gorgeous person". Get strong get healthy and take one day at a time.
(HUG)
This is his battle, not yours. You sound like you are sooo supportive but honey who is there to support you?? It is an awful disease, especially when you are a bystander. You need all the strength to look after you.
Stop right now and think to yourself - if this was a movie (and so often it doesnt feel real!) and you were watching, what would you say to the girl in your position.
You deserve happiness. Do something nice for yourself each day - even if its just small, look in the mirror and say to yourself "I am a gorgeous person". Get strong get healthy and take one day at a time.
(HUG)
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
No use two people dying from one person's disease.
I'm sorry you can't just leave. But please don't let that convince you that you can't take action in your life, and don't close yourself off to seeking viable options for leaving, or getting HIM out of the house. Keep an open mind regarding making changes in your life.
Just like there are options for him to get help in addressing his issues, there are options for you. Coming here is a good one. I hope more doors open for you.
I'm sorry you can't just leave. But please don't let that convince you that you can't take action in your life, and don't close yourself off to seeking viable options for leaving, or getting HIM out of the house. Keep an open mind regarding making changes in your life.
Just like there are options for him to get help in addressing his issues, there are options for you. Coming here is a good one. I hope more doors open for you.
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