A Little Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
A Little Confused
Hello there.
First of all, let me say how happy I am to have found this forum. I was lurking through the stickies and posts and reading "things a normie wouldn't know" has been an eyeopener for me and has compelled me to post here.
My fiance is an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic. He doesn't get passed out drunk, gets up for work, is even studying to take his masters electrician test. But I'm not fooled. He drinks every night. Jack. A few weeks ago he had a break down and was ready to stop... or so I thought. I've found empty Jack bottles in his sock drawer and the quantities keep increasing. He does not say hurtful things but his drinking hurts me.
I'm at a loss at what to do, where to turn to. I have a 4 month old daughter with him who I care more about than my own pain. It'll only get worse before it gets better and who am I to subject her to something like that? I'm scared to leave though. Not for me but again for my daughter. His parents have a ton of money and I know they would get him a good lawyer. I couldn't bare to share custody with him, knowing that it is possible she could not be taken care of properly. He doesn't hear her when she cries in the middle of the night and he gets angry way too often with her. He'd rather drink and play his video games and if she interrupts well he is throwing a hissy fit.
I'm just hoping someone has some sort of insight into this situation.
First of all, let me say how happy I am to have found this forum. I was lurking through the stickies and posts and reading "things a normie wouldn't know" has been an eyeopener for me and has compelled me to post here.
My fiance is an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic. He doesn't get passed out drunk, gets up for work, is even studying to take his masters electrician test. But I'm not fooled. He drinks every night. Jack. A few weeks ago he had a break down and was ready to stop... or so I thought. I've found empty Jack bottles in his sock drawer and the quantities keep increasing. He does not say hurtful things but his drinking hurts me.
I'm at a loss at what to do, where to turn to. I have a 4 month old daughter with him who I care more about than my own pain. It'll only get worse before it gets better and who am I to subject her to something like that? I'm scared to leave though. Not for me but again for my daughter. His parents have a ton of money and I know they would get him a good lawyer. I couldn't bare to share custody with him, knowing that it is possible she could not be taken care of properly. He doesn't hear her when she cries in the middle of the night and he gets angry way too often with her. He'd rather drink and play his video games and if she interrupts well he is throwing a hissy fit.
I'm just hoping someone has some sort of insight into this situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello Breeze, welcome, so glad you are here.
IMO, if you do not want to share custody you will have to have evidence, that means detailed notes and audio/video. Ebay has cheap nanny-cams that use memory sticks.
Get a journal and keep a diary, date/time/event the more you write the easier it will get.
Keep you phone handy so you can tape his hissy fits.
I can tell you from experience, being raised by an alcoholic can really screw you up.
Check out the ACOA forum and the stickies, it will give you some insight of what growing up with an alcoholic will do to your duaghter.
I am really glad you are her and chose to share with us, if you need an ear or a shoulder please let me know.
Big hugs to you and your daughter, I will say a pprayer for both of you.
Best of luck,
Bill
IMO, if you do not want to share custody you will have to have evidence, that means detailed notes and audio/video. Ebay has cheap nanny-cams that use memory sticks.
Get a journal and keep a diary, date/time/event the more you write the easier it will get.
Keep you phone handy so you can tape his hissy fits.
I can tell you from experience, being raised by an alcoholic can really screw you up.
Check out the ACOA forum and the stickies, it will give you some insight of what growing up with an alcoholic will do to your duaghter.
I am really glad you are her and chose to share with us, if you need an ear or a shoulder please let me know.
Big hugs to you and your daughter, I will say a pprayer for both of you.
Best of luck,
Bill
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If you stay with your child in the home of an alcoholic, there will be only one true victim, your daughter. Children hear and see everything, they are the eyes and ears of the world. They internalize their feeling and fears. They carry their childhood into adulthood.
She like me has already inherited the gene which predisposes her to addiction.
I, like Willy know first hand what the negative effects of living with an alcoholic can do.
The disease that your fiance has is progressive, and there is no cure. It is just a matter of whether he is is sober and working a strong recovery program or not.
If you decide to leave an attorney can explain your rights, based on his drinking, supervised visitations may be in order.
IMHO your daughter must be your priorty, do what is best for her.
Welcome and keep posting.
She like me has already inherited the gene which predisposes her to addiction.
I, like Willy know first hand what the negative effects of living with an alcoholic can do.
The disease that your fiance has is progressive, and there is no cure. It is just a matter of whether he is is sober and working a strong recovery program or not.
If you decide to leave an attorney can explain your rights, based on his drinking, supervised visitations may be in order.
IMHO your daughter must be your priorty, do what is best for her.
Welcome and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I have noticed all too many times that alcoholics/addicts get worse after a child is born. My take on this is that it just means that they know they will have to give up their addiction and become more responsible and so the aggravation of that thought makes them use even more.
Don't want to be bothered, just left alone..to hell with this extra responsibility.
I don't know what it takes for them to love the child more than the booze/drugs.
Don't want to be bothered, just left alone..to hell with this extra responsibility.
I don't know what it takes for them to love the child more than the booze/drugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi breeze and welcome!
I'm sorry you have to be here but I am glad you found us. Since you already know about the stickies I won't need to mention them even though I just did.
In my experience what has helped me the most besides posting here was going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is not about helping you get your A sober but helping you deal with all the issues you have with your alcoholic. I know I was in a very dark place when I first started attending but by going to meetings, reading the literature and working my recovery I am actually doing quite well. I am centered and calm, I enjoy my own company, I have boundaries and have found serenity and happiness. Doesn't mean nothing ever goes wrong but I now have the tools and support I need to handle it.
If you decide to go you will probably want to try several different meetings as each has there own flavor. It took me several meetings to find the you that fit me best.
Keep posting and reading. There is tons of experience, strength and hope on this site and there are plenty of people who have been where you are or someplace similar who are willing to share their experience.
Your friend,
I'm sorry you have to be here but I am glad you found us. Since you already know about the stickies I won't need to mention them even though I just did.
In my experience what has helped me the most besides posting here was going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is not about helping you get your A sober but helping you deal with all the issues you have with your alcoholic. I know I was in a very dark place when I first started attending but by going to meetings, reading the literature and working my recovery I am actually doing quite well. I am centered and calm, I enjoy my own company, I have boundaries and have found serenity and happiness. Doesn't mean nothing ever goes wrong but I now have the tools and support I need to handle it.
If you decide to go you will probably want to try several different meetings as each has there own flavor. It took me several meetings to find the you that fit me best.
Keep posting and reading. There is tons of experience, strength and hope on this site and there are plenty of people who have been where you are or someplace similar who are willing to share their experience.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I second Willybluedog's advice about keeping notes and gathering evidence. Very good advice, especially since he has never been through a rehab or detox etc.
I too was very worried about custody. Keep in mind that people that drink don't usually want a baby around 24/7 (like you have actually already noticed) - they just like to throw around threats. That was my experience.
The alcoholism gets worse and as they get older it gets harder on the kids to both live in it and to go through the seperation.
My husband (ex now) was a lot like you describe your fiance when we got married. As time went by, and the alcoholism ebbed and flowed and eventually got worse, I changed. Life became unmanagable. I became a person I did not know. It is very hard to live in an alcoholic relationship. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be so in affect, alcohol robbed my children of both their parents. I left so I could give them one parent they deserved/needed. Think very carefully about the big picture when you are deciding what is best for your daughter.
Divorce is an ugly thing. I mostly try and share my experience only but sometimes I can't help give advice based on that experience. Please consider putting the wedding on hold until you work through some of this.
I too was very worried about custody. Keep in mind that people that drink don't usually want a baby around 24/7 (like you have actually already noticed) - they just like to throw around threats. That was my experience.
The alcoholism gets worse and as they get older it gets harder on the kids to both live in it and to go through the seperation.
My husband (ex now) was a lot like you describe your fiance when we got married. As time went by, and the alcoholism ebbed and flowed and eventually got worse, I changed. Life became unmanagable. I became a person I did not know. It is very hard to live in an alcoholic relationship. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be so in affect, alcohol robbed my children of both their parents. I left so I could give them one parent they deserved/needed. Think very carefully about the big picture when you are deciding what is best for your daughter.
Divorce is an ugly thing. I mostly try and share my experience only but sometimes I can't help give advice based on that experience. Please consider putting the wedding on hold until you work through some of this.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Welcome, Breeze88,
Glad you found us in the midst of your circumstances. My name is Skipper, and I am a single mom to a now-11-year-old son. I'm an ACOA and my RABF, who now lives across the country, also used to drink Jack, or Jim Beam, daily. He held a job and was functional for a long time, until he wasn't.The disease progressed rapidly and looking back, I sometimes wish I'd recognized it sooner...
You're in a good spot to make some sound decisions for yourself and your baby.
From experience, I have to also agree with what Thumper said. The alcoholic/addicted bio-parent is seldom that interested to push any custody issue. It is fairly reasonable to get supervised visits for visitation 'rights' in a case like this.
One thing that I've learned through my journey is that I *do not* and *will not* allow an environment where my child lives in an alcoholic/addicted home like I did. It was scary, it was twisted, and I had a hard time learning reality after I got out of it. I had difficulty with all my relationships, school, work, life in general... for too long...
When you're able to break it down to One Day at a Time and let go of worries of the future, deal with the here and now, then you will be able to do The Next Right Thing.
One very valuable tool in my learning this was to start going to Al-anon. It saved my life.
Glad you found us in the midst of your circumstances. My name is Skipper, and I am a single mom to a now-11-year-old son. I'm an ACOA and my RABF, who now lives across the country, also used to drink Jack, or Jim Beam, daily. He held a job and was functional for a long time, until he wasn't.The disease progressed rapidly and looking back, I sometimes wish I'd recognized it sooner...
You're in a good spot to make some sound decisions for yourself and your baby.
From experience, I have to also agree with what Thumper said. The alcoholic/addicted bio-parent is seldom that interested to push any custody issue. It is fairly reasonable to get supervised visits for visitation 'rights' in a case like this.
One thing that I've learned through my journey is that I *do not* and *will not* allow an environment where my child lives in an alcoholic/addicted home like I did. It was scary, it was twisted, and I had a hard time learning reality after I got out of it. I had difficulty with all my relationships, school, work, life in general... for too long...
When you're able to break it down to One Day at a Time and let go of worries of the future, deal with the here and now, then you will be able to do The Next Right Thing.
One very valuable tool in my learning this was to start going to Al-anon. It saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I had the same exact issue when my oldest, who is now 8, was a baby. I wanted to leave but I was so afraid that he would then have visitation with her and it wouldn't be supervised. I knew then he wouldn't intentionally hurt her, but again, he didn't hear her cry at night and just wasn't interested in doing much with her.
She was 6 when I finally left and my youngest was 2. In hindsight, I think that I would have been granted sole custody. Courts do not look very kindly on unsupervised visitation with a parent who is actively using drugs or alcohol. I do understand your fear, I stayed for the same reason.
I also noticed it got much worse after she was born. He was better for a time and that's when our 2nd daughter came along. He pretty much completely fell apart after that. I put a plan together and took the kids and got out of there. My XA is currently homeless and has lost everything, but he still drinks.
To this day I don't know if it would have been better to leave early on-would he have had any custody? Would she have been hurt? I don't know. I do know that his alcoholsim has affected both of my girls, but they are well adjusted, smart, sweet, wonderful children. They love their dad and think he hung the moon.
She was 6 when I finally left and my youngest was 2. In hindsight, I think that I would have been granted sole custody. Courts do not look very kindly on unsupervised visitation with a parent who is actively using drugs or alcohol. I do understand your fear, I stayed for the same reason.
I also noticed it got much worse after she was born. He was better for a time and that's when our 2nd daughter came along. He pretty much completely fell apart after that. I put a plan together and took the kids and got out of there. My XA is currently homeless and has lost everything, but he still drinks.
To this day I don't know if it would have been better to leave early on-would he have had any custody? Would she have been hurt? I don't know. I do know that his alcoholsim has affected both of my girls, but they are well adjusted, smart, sweet, wonderful children. They love their dad and think he hung the moon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
As the father of a now 16-year old who was 4 when her mother started drinking, an alcoholic parent wreaks havoc on a child in a way it's almost impossible to understand for many people. But, talk to any surviving child of an alcoholic and you will find out just how bad it can really be (even when the parent isn't physically or sexually abusive).
It is the greatest shame of my life that I did not protect my daughter from her mother by drawing and enforcing appropriate boundaries right then, and also the damage I did because I was so controlling and angry. She was absolutely starved for attention and love, and now as a teenager seeks it in all the wrong places and is extremely self-destructinve both emotionally and physically. All of this came with no physical or sexual abuse-- we were such talented parents we managed to **** her up with good old fashioned emotional and psychological abuse and it was devastating for our daughter.
Your husband's drinking is getting worse, and everything else will get worse too over time. That's how it works-- you are at the beginning, not the end. Forget about his parents and their money, forget about him, and do what is right for your baby girl. Consult a lawyer, share your concerns, and be honest with yourself about him, his drinking, and what is best for you and your baby.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
It is the greatest shame of my life that I did not protect my daughter from her mother by drawing and enforcing appropriate boundaries right then, and also the damage I did because I was so controlling and angry. She was absolutely starved for attention and love, and now as a teenager seeks it in all the wrong places and is extremely self-destructinve both emotionally and physically. All of this came with no physical or sexual abuse-- we were such talented parents we managed to **** her up with good old fashioned emotional and psychological abuse and it was devastating for our daughter.
Your husband's drinking is getting worse, and everything else will get worse too over time. That's how it works-- you are at the beginning, not the end. Forget about his parents and their money, forget about him, and do what is right for your baby girl. Consult a lawyer, share your concerns, and be honest with yourself about him, his drinking, and what is best for you and your baby.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, breeze. You are not alone in your struggles with alcoholism.
There are already many good responses here, and many great books on the topic that you can find on Amazon, in any book store, and loan for free from your local library. Education is empowering, as is opening up and speaking about your situation.
Keep coming back! And take good care of you and your baby.
~T
There are already many good responses here, and many great books on the topic that you can find on Amazon, in any book store, and loan for free from your local library. Education is empowering, as is opening up and speaking about your situation.
Keep coming back! And take good care of you and your baby.
~T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, Breeze. Lots of good advice shared. Keeping a journal of the events where his drinking impacts your daughter is so important. Keep it some where he can't get to it or a copy of it some where safe. If you keep it on a computer, keep that file password protected (and still keep a copy). Keep it objective, just the facts: date, time, what he did, what happened. I keep a copy of mine on a thumb drive that never leaves my side.
I also just wanted to... I guess just say: if you think he (or his family) might try to push for at least partial custody, you're probably right. It's true that alcoholics / addicts tend to not want the responsibility of having to take care of a child; however, for some appearances are incredibly important.
XAH had very little to do with DS when I left him. The only time he came around was when he was trying to convince me to come back or to get a babysitter and go on a 'date' with him.
What changed was when he needed to protect his image that he was a "good father." He started living with a girl with 2 kids of her own and his sister commented that he never saw DS. Based on their comments, and most likely an honest desire to see the coolest kid in the world, he started showing up demanding to see DS. What none of them acknowledge, though, is just how powerful his addiction is (or that he has one), the fact that he's doing nothing to work towards recovery, or the fact that it endangers DS.
I'm really not meaning to scare you, just: Trust your instincts.
Welcome.
I also just wanted to... I guess just say: if you think he (or his family) might try to push for at least partial custody, you're probably right. It's true that alcoholics / addicts tend to not want the responsibility of having to take care of a child; however, for some appearances are incredibly important.
XAH had very little to do with DS when I left him. The only time he came around was when he was trying to convince me to come back or to get a babysitter and go on a 'date' with him.
What changed was when he needed to protect his image that he was a "good father." He started living with a girl with 2 kids of her own and his sister commented that he never saw DS. Based on their comments, and most likely an honest desire to see the coolest kid in the world, he started showing up demanding to see DS. What none of them acknowledge, though, is just how powerful his addiction is (or that he has one), the fact that he's doing nothing to work towards recovery, or the fact that it endangers DS.
I'm really not meaning to scare you, just: Trust your instincts.
Welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
I was away for a little bit but it is so nice to come back to support and understanding. I did meet with a lawyer who informed me that because my family is in another state- and that is where I would go. He can file against me and the courts will force me to come back to MD. I'm not working at the moment, am focusing on schooling.
I believe the best thing to do is to stay put for the time being. At least until I can get some money together. The lawyer also said that proving alcoholism is very difficult and I would need evidence of DUIS or public intox arrests.
I believe I need to be here right now with my daughter to keep her safe.
I believe the best thing to do is to stay put for the time being. At least until I can get some money together. The lawyer also said that proving alcoholism is very difficult and I would need evidence of DUIS or public intox arrests.
I believe I need to be here right now with my daughter to keep her safe.
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