What to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
What to do?
My boyfriend drinks, to me his actions are that of an alcoholic. He tells me there are a lot worse than him, especially in his circle. He’s self employed, I’m an architect and I valued his knowledge and his creativity. The problem is -- I’m starting to cringe at the sight of alcohol, I’m constantly hiding my disgust, yet blowing up on the little things. I guess I am a full-blown “enabler.” I should give up, but if feels like the wrong time.
He can work for days without drinking, and the binge begins: 12-15 beers before graduating to hard liquor. He lacks in cleanliness or care once he begins. We don’t live together, yet I am finding myself cleaning continually, just to make his house comfortable enough for a movie. He’s never been violent towards me, getting kicked out of bars though is not uncommon.
We started dating three years ago; shortly into the relationship he got his first DWI. Perhaps he was still recovering from a family members death or perhaps it was his recently bankruptcy. I blamed that fully on the economy – and took solace in the fact that if he could acquire that much debt that he would bounce back. I drove when necessary; he conveniently hired his neighbor’s son and made him drive to work. We stayed in, cooked and got along. The drinking slowed. Then he got his license back, and once again he was back in the bars. We broke up only to get back together, 2 years later. He had started working out, claimed he rarely drank anymore missed me dearly.
For a little while things were good. A confirmed bachelor for 20 years – he suddenly started talking about having a family. I felt more invested – his friends told me he had never talked like this before. He was building again, working hard, and going to the gym.
About a month and a half ago, he was in a car fire, pulled to safety, and arrested for suspicion. Ironically he had only had couple beers. He was hospitalized for a week, and left with some neurological problems, and here we are. I’ve been to doctors and lawyers with him, cleaned his house and taken care of the shopping. I believed it was the wakeup call he needed.
For a month – he was sober, the day I brought him home from the hospital his neighbor came over with a six pack, and we threw it out. He started binge eating and put on 30 pounds. Not great to watch, but not alcohol. Then this weekend, he started again, I went away to visit family and returned to the remains of 4 days of drinking, 8 empty cases of beer and one messy house… He claims this is the most depressed he has ever been and needs my support. He has never admitted he has a problem nor wants to change, just that he can control it when he wants. I just think I am done, I’m exhausted. The other half of me feels wrong about even posting this. Weird – I am always trying to protect him. I think the reason he has thoughts of marriage is because I mother him and the reason I stay is because I am getting old and facing that ticking clock.
He can work for days without drinking, and the binge begins: 12-15 beers before graduating to hard liquor. He lacks in cleanliness or care once he begins. We don’t live together, yet I am finding myself cleaning continually, just to make his house comfortable enough for a movie. He’s never been violent towards me, getting kicked out of bars though is not uncommon.
We started dating three years ago; shortly into the relationship he got his first DWI. Perhaps he was still recovering from a family members death or perhaps it was his recently bankruptcy. I blamed that fully on the economy – and took solace in the fact that if he could acquire that much debt that he would bounce back. I drove when necessary; he conveniently hired his neighbor’s son and made him drive to work. We stayed in, cooked and got along. The drinking slowed. Then he got his license back, and once again he was back in the bars. We broke up only to get back together, 2 years later. He had started working out, claimed he rarely drank anymore missed me dearly.
For a little while things were good. A confirmed bachelor for 20 years – he suddenly started talking about having a family. I felt more invested – his friends told me he had never talked like this before. He was building again, working hard, and going to the gym.
About a month and a half ago, he was in a car fire, pulled to safety, and arrested for suspicion. Ironically he had only had couple beers. He was hospitalized for a week, and left with some neurological problems, and here we are. I’ve been to doctors and lawyers with him, cleaned his house and taken care of the shopping. I believed it was the wakeup call he needed.
For a month – he was sober, the day I brought him home from the hospital his neighbor came over with a six pack, and we threw it out. He started binge eating and put on 30 pounds. Not great to watch, but not alcohol. Then this weekend, he started again, I went away to visit family and returned to the remains of 4 days of drinking, 8 empty cases of beer and one messy house… He claims this is the most depressed he has ever been and needs my support. He has never admitted he has a problem nor wants to change, just that he can control it when he wants. I just think I am done, I’m exhausted. The other half of me feels wrong about even posting this. Weird – I am always trying to protect him. I think the reason he has thoughts of marriage is because I mother him and the reason I stay is because I am getting old and facing that ticking clock.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome to you, so glad you are here.
Please consider counseling and al-anon, I am glad that you recognize that you are an enabler, but please stop cleaning up after him, it is not helping him.
My dad has been enabling my mom for over 40 years, he thinks he can keep a lid on how much she drinks, all he does is keep her from hitting bottom so she will get help.
You deserve better than this.
Please consider counseling and al-anon, I am glad that you recognize that you are an enabler, but please stop cleaning up after him, it is not helping him.
My dad has been enabling my mom for over 40 years, he thinks he can keep a lid on how much she drinks, all he does is keep her from hitting bottom so she will get help.
You deserve better than this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((whatadope))) - Welcome to SR!! I do hope you read around other posts here, as it will show you that you're not alone, as well as give you an idea of what is to come if he keeps up with his behavior.
I'm a recovering addict and have loved ones who are/were addicts/alcoholics. Until I was forced to face some harsh consequences (losing my career, family not allowing me home, jail) I didn't do anything about my addiction.
The feeling that now is not a good time, IMO, is a codie thing. We worry more about what it will do to the one who is addicted/alcoholic than what living in the situation is doing to US.
He's going to do what he's going to do. You can't make him quit drinking, and nothing you do is going to make him drink (no matter WHAT he says!).
SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and in all honesty, it's been harder for me to recover from being a long-time codie than my addiction. I'm better, not perfect, but I credit the people here for that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm a recovering addict and have loved ones who are/were addicts/alcoholics. Until I was forced to face some harsh consequences (losing my career, family not allowing me home, jail) I didn't do anything about my addiction.
The feeling that now is not a good time, IMO, is a codie thing. We worry more about what it will do to the one who is addicted/alcoholic than what living in the situation is doing to US.
He's going to do what he's going to do. You can't make him quit drinking, and nothing you do is going to make him drink (no matter WHAT he says!).
SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and in all honesty, it's been harder for me to recover from being a long-time codie than my addiction. I'm better, not perfect, but I credit the people here for that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 36
It took me 5 yrs. before I came out of denial that my XABF was/is an alcoholic. It has only been three yrs. for you and you say you are afraid you are getting "too old". Too old for what?
You are never too old to live a life of peace and serenity. My sister just got out of a second marriage with a sex addict. She settled and wasted many years of her life in turmoil. She is in her mid 40's now and loves the peace she now has. She doesn't have children but she is happy.
Would you honestly want this man to be the father of your children? He can't even take care of himself. You say you are exhausted...Can you imagine having children with this man?
Al Anon has been a life saver for me. Be grateful you are not married.
Bless you and I wish you the best. I have been suffering the loss of my EXABF but I am beginning to find peace after 6 months.
You are never too old to live a life of peace and serenity. My sister just got out of a second marriage with a sex addict. She settled and wasted many years of her life in turmoil. She is in her mid 40's now and loves the peace she now has. She doesn't have children but she is happy.
Would you honestly want this man to be the father of your children? He can't even take care of himself. You say you are exhausted...Can you imagine having children with this man?
Al Anon has been a life saver for me. Be grateful you are not married.
Bless you and I wish you the best. I have been suffering the loss of my EXABF but I am beginning to find peace after 6 months.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories are in the posts at the top of this forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.
This is a link to one that really helped me while living with active alcoholism. I followed these steps and it made a difference in my life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories are in the posts at the top of this forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.
This is a link to one that really helped me while living with active alcoholism. I followed these steps and it made a difference in my life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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