lovemybaby

I am new to all of this,. My boyfriend of almost 3 years is a alcoholic and our life is slowly spiralying out of control due to his behavior. When we first met i was just as bad as he is or was i am not sure if he is really trying to stop or not. I am at a lose we just had a baby 6 months ago and his drinking and bar hopping leaving me at home pregnant ended us up with our daughter being born 7 weeks early. I was beyond stressed out that he was going to ruin our lives the 3 of us. Well today he was fired from his job. And i am lost in what to do or think or say. I am trying to remain calm and as i laid my baby girl down in her crib to sleep i decided to find support somewhere. Even if it is online it is better than no support at all.

His job was very high demand and at the same time i dont know if the job was just an excuse to not be home with us or me. But all i know that the dreams i once had are slowly faiding as he has not come home and apparently at 5 this evening he was not working his now ex employee was dropping off his stuff from his locker here. I dont blame his boss he has been on a terrible downward spiral since the day we found out i was pregnant.

The hard part is i have been trying to find ways so i can be happy and make the best decisions for our daughter.

We have been through so much when we first started dating i found out he had another girlfriend and we ended things, we where apart for 5 months and i found myself not drinking anymore i got a better job and all i did was go to work and come home, i found myself. Now fast forward a little we have been together and doing well but he has slips and he has a pain pill addicition. He takes vicoden and drinks and it goes hand in hand. He buys pills from others which is illegal and well it gets expensive. Then he drinks like a fish, there was a time a few months ago he almost got fired and he drank so much he blacked out, passed out in his truck somewhere. Heart wrenching for me., i am all over the place. But i am venting.

What do i do, where do i start?

LifeRecovery

Posting here was a great way to start. Welcome, though I am sorry you are here.

Others will be along soon with more experience strength and hope (ESH) to share.

For my part when the bottom fell out Al-anon was a lifesaver for me. I don't know if that is an option for you, but it helped me to learn to take care of myself.

Keep posting, and keep taking care of you and your little one.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us, but sorry about the reasons that brought you here. You have found a wonderful resource for information and support. You are not alone, and we are here to support you.

One of the first things I learned when I discovered this forum, was the 3 C's of addiction.

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me a long time to accept that I was powerless over my husband's addiction to alcohol. I tried everything to get him to see how the alcoholism was destroying our marriage and our family life.

I finally had to accept that I was powerless over his addiction. I had to give the addiction to the adult with the issue: Him.


In your relationship, You did not cause his downward spiral, your baby girl did not cause his downward spiral, and his job loss did not cause it. His unhealthy choice to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol have caused his downward spiral.

Just as you are not responsible for his adult choices, you and your baby girl can not control the outcomes.

Alanon meetings helped me learn ways to take better care of myself and my children. I learned ways to protect myself and kids here, at meetings and through self-improvement books.

Here is a link to a permanent posts (called stickies) that contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR!

There are so many resources here, along with the sticky Pelican listed above. Spend some time reading and educating yourself about addictions - it is empowering to know what demons you are facing before you have to tackle them!

Keep posting, venting, and coming back. Secrets make us crazy, and that is no formula to happiness.

Take good care!
~T

fedup3

We're here for you, keep coming back.

lovemybaby

Thank you all for the helpful advise and the reading material. I am here finding a plan and finding a way to keep my sanity. As he returned home at 2 am hmmmm. he doesnt want to lose me and our daughter. But i have been here for a year telling him to change his ways and to do things to help him and i have been loving caring understanding and now he realizes he could lose us. What am i suppose to do i have been waiting for the eye opening moment and i was well aware he was probably going to have to hit rock bottom, but is losing his job rock bottom or does he need to lose us to see he is ruining lives? AHHHHH he drives me crazy!!! The silly part is i dont understand he has the sweetest parents on the plant and they love us all.

lillamy

Big hug to you. That's a really hard situation you find yourself in.

However -- remember, you have only one baby. And that's who you're responsible for taking care of. Not your boyfriend. He's an adult. He will make his own decisions. And you are free to make yours.

You don't make him drink. You didn't make him lose his job. Neither did his parents. He's an addict, as you already know, and addictions eat people.

Rock bottom is different things to different people. My AXH lost first his family, then his job, and he is still drinking. There was nothing I could say or do that would make him stop. I had no control over it.

Worry less about what he is going to do and more about what you are going to do. Think of yourself as a separate being. What do you want your life to be like? What do you want your baby girl's life to be like? Then go get it. Either he'll get sober or he won't. Either way, you have a choice for yourself and your daughter.

fedup3

You don't have to do anything right this minute but give yourself some free time to think about you and your baby and what you need to do to find some peace in your life. I understand it can feel overwhelming but just breathe the world isn't ending. Please find an Al-Anon meeting, there are people there who will come along side you and we are here for you as well.

Mavis1

Dear Lovemybaby, you are so welcome here and have taken a big step in getting some great support. This forum is great for sounding off, of course you are all over the place, that is a given when you live with an active alcoholic. I did so for several years on and off and it's the hardest thing I ever did. once we separated it was like someone had been pounding on my head with a hammer for 4 years and then stopped..it felt so good once the hammering stopped. I didn't know what I didn't know. I REALLY didn't know that I couldn't make him stop drinking or going out or well, I really couldn't make him stop doing anything he was doing come to find out... I didn't know that either. The people here and at Alanon meetings taught me that the only person I could change was me, that was a huge revelation and I made the changes, they didn't always feel good but I did it and I did it just for me. You have a new wonderful little life to consider too and you adore that baby, I can tell so I would put you two first, as a package and do what you have to do to not have chaos in your life, and to feel safe and secure and have peace. He has his alcohol that is more powerful then any love or family or job or whatever. it is all that matters. I say all this because of my own experiences, I dont' know yours exactly but I will think of you and hope this helps, keep posting and coming back here, we need to hear these stories and need to share our experiences with others...sorry for your woes, what you are going thru is awful..


peace my friend, m

lovemybaby

He was reading the AA book last night, Saying he is going to improve but we have had that conversation a time or two before!! Do i stay and support him and for how long do you take the lies and stories? Why do they put their whole life in jepordy?

dollydo

I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those in the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers. Addiction is addiction, alcohol or drugs does not make a difference.

My mantra is children first, IMHO, no child should be raised in the home of a person with a addiction problem. If you read other posts you will better understand the negative impact this type of enviorment has on a child.

Read around, keep posting, it will help you.

Willybluedog

Dear Love,

First thing, I am glad you are here, this place has been wonderful for me, and I hope it is for you as well.

Second, please do a search on tylenol and alcohol consumption, vicodin contains tylenol and if you drink as few as a couple of beers with tylenol, it can cause permanant liver damage.

Third, please go to the ACOA thread and read the stories of those of us who grew up in dysfunctional alcoholic homes and see the life you child will have if you stay and he does not change.

Fourth, unless he gets help, he is highly unlikely to beat this thing on his own.

All that said, if you need to vent, need someone to talk to, need a shoulder to lean on or need a hug I will be here for you as so many other have been there for me. I am very proud of you for coming in here and taking that first step by sharing your story.

I will say a prayer for all of you, best of luck,

Bill

Pelican

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Good on you for seeing his latest efforts as more quacking. Quacking is what we call alcoholic talking. The empty promises, the blame-shifting, the denials, the lies, etc. are all just alcoholic quacking.

The addict will say anthing to get others to believe they are going to do better - This Time.

If you stop listening to his words, and look at his actions - what do you see? Do you see someone that really wants to improve his life?

You asked if you should stay and support him. Haven't you already been supporting him the last 3 years in his career and homelife? How has that helped so far?

I don't mean that as a harsh statement, but as a statement of the reality of how powerless we are over addiction. Our love is not enough to heal them.

How long do you take the lies and stories? I took them for 14 years. I kept telling myself it will be better next time.

You will know when you have had enough.

lovemybaby

Thanks for all the helpful imput. I know that i have been with him for 3 years, and i know that i blindly ignored all that was going on till i got pregnant so i only have taken a active role in trying to pay attention for the last 7 months. well year or so. I am reading all the info that you all have posted and i am actively talking to him about going to alnon meetings and he is talking about going to AA again. He seems to be humbled and very dissappointed in himself. I dont know if he hit rock bottom but he seems to see the light. he is telling me the painful truth and he is doing the right thing for our daughter and i so there seems to be some signs of hope. I am taking this in stride as it comes and i know that it is a tough road. I am the grandchild myself of a severe alcoholic and have seen first hand what happens to adults who where raised in that kind of enviroment. It is a tough challange, my boyfriend also knows that is what is wrong with my mom and her brother they are very hardheaded and blunt on this whole issue but are deffinately supportive of us and him doing the sobriety and not lying but if he is still lying and doing what he is doing i have a plan demised.

Freedom1990

I'm glad to hear you have a plan B if he's quacking again and not serious about recovery.

Sending you hugs of support!

bless5

I'm thrilled you have a plan B. And as others have said, "Actions speak louder than words." Pay attention to his actions, NOT his words. My RAH was 1 1/2 year sober doing well in recovery, going to meeting regularly, etc, but I guess had a bad day and told me he couldn't promise me he'd never drink again. My response was calm and immediate. I told him, again, I was not staying in a marriage one more day if he drank, period. He was silent and had been has been 2 1/2 years sober now. I had to take the emotions out of my decisions and "do the right thing for me". You are a strong women. I pray for peace and joy for you all.

lovemybaby

As the time is going on, he is doing what he needs to do for him to do the right things for his family. I am hopeful and i am doing my part to take care of my girl and myself. no more waiting around to have a dinner i eat when i am hungry i shower up and get ready for my day. I know that i am stable, i have been so depressed over the disconnect in our relationship. it has been a tough year or so. I went through alot of times thinking that after our baby was born i was going to be alone. Well even though he had been here in body in mind and heart he was somewhere else. So now we are talking about how to heal the crack in our relationship. I will continue to make plans and goal for myself but i know that as we embark to be a dry household which i have been stark sober for almost 2 years now. I want a happy healthy household and a smelly booze ridden fool is not happy and hasnt contributed to household happiness.

naive

hi lovemybaby-

when my A felt he was losing me, he changed his behavior TEMPORARILY.

then, once i let my guard down, he would slip slowly back into his previous behavior.

it was manipulation. he never intended to stop drinking. he merely didn't want to loose his enabler.

i hope this isn't the case with yours, but if i was a betting person, i'd vote he's quacking.

just so you are prepared and ready.

watch out for:

"i've quit for two weeks now. i just want to go out for a few drinks"
"i don't need AA, i can quit alone"
"the beer on that receipt wasn't for me. billy asked me to pick up a six-pack"
"i can control my drinking"

keep an eye out for:

sleeping a lot during the day.
needing to run out for milk and being gone 2 hours
red-eyes
phone call saying he's coming home in 15 minutes...
lack of appetite
hands shaking in morning
urination that is deep yellow in color
urination that takes 5 minutes...essentially peeing out 6 beers
his breath
lack of personal hygiene
sweating a lot while sleeping

like everyone here says...pay attention to what he DOES...not what he SAYS

lovemybaby

I appriciate all the advice. I keep an eye on everything right now. Yeah when all this had begun he ran errands all the time that took to long. And all that Thanks for the extra information. Thank everyone so much. He is saying he wants to get back in to going to regualar meetings again. I told him i fully support him doing what he needs to do to be a better healthier individual for himself that our relationship will heal as he heals himself. I have told him that i cannot no longer support him destroying himself i love him to much to continue watching him destroy himself and i cant allow him to destroy our daughters life anymore. We are trying and i am hopeful for myself.

wanttobehealthy

I can't add more than what has been said but I wanted to say that I think Naive's post is spot on. I have no doubt that people posted similar things for me when I first and later when I continued to be here but would not accept what was in front of my face.

You sound like you are aware of what he's doing and not doing and have a plan to not raise your daughter with him if it continues. I wish I had left my AH when my youngest D was a baby. She spent her almost 4 years of life (until the past handful of months) in chaos. He works, holds a job, wasn't aggressive for most of the time and yet the damage that the constant tension/strain etc... created for both my D's is long lasting.

You sound like a great mom. Naive's list is very accurate. I could undoubtedly add some examples to it but there's a thread about Quacking that has it all spelled out.