FindingJoy

Naive....I have a similar story my RExAB had claimed he "surrendered this time for real" about 5 times. I like to say, listen to his actions not his words.
Who knows for sure if they are using or drinking, these are very crafty people. If they are REALLY committed to working a program the truth will be in their temperament and behavior. My RexAB always wants me back...every time I took him back about 5 days later if after I agreed to make live to him he slipped back to the same mean selfish ass$&le.

Our HP has a way of letting us know what people intentions really are if we stop for a minute, quiet our minds and listen.

I wish it was as simple a the words my RExAB writes but that is fantasy land and I leave in the here and now.

lovemybaby

Wanttobehealthy, thank you for the advice i appricate all everyone has put on here since i started here. it is helping me find me. I am trying to make the best decisions for my baby girl and myself. So i am thrilled that i have some support. He has told me he is going to start going back to meetings and that he will find out where in our area the al anon meetings are so i can attend some of those. I have never delt with this stuff personally. When i realized i was drinking to much i took a long hard look at myself and i didnt like what i saw so i changed. Now that the baby is here i am still determined to be a sober mom be the best mom i can be but worrying about him is really taking its toll on me.
I have started the 12 steps on here, are the 12 steps for the Significant other diffrent than the aa 12 steps or do we work off the same ones>

When they start meetings when does the maddness stop, I understand why he is mad at himself and i know that it is just coming out at me.

naive

hi again-

just reminding you, SAYING he's going to go to meetings and actually GOING to meetings are two different things.

perhaps best to decline his offer to look up meetings for YOU. he should look up meetings for HIMSELF.

and no, when the meetings start the madness doesn't end. alcohol only masks the underlying emotional and spiritual poverty. it's a long road to a healthy recovery.

for now, try to shift your focus from him back to YOU. alanon will teach you, as will these boards. it takes time to recognize your own codependency, lack of effective boundaries and acceptance of less than an equal partner. it's a journey and i found it took a while to shift my mindset...still working on it actually.

everytime you notice an "energy leak" where you are giving your energy to him, shift the focus back to yourself and what you can do for your own recovery.

remember, you are free in this moment. that helped me a lot.

another thing that helped a lot was when he began on what he needed, what he wanted, etc. i took a moment and asked myself "what do i want?"...sounds simple but for me, it was eye-opening to see how often i put aside my own needs due to his demands.

naive

wanttobehealthy

I came here asking such similar questions maybe a year or two ago and have learned so much and will try in my bumbling way to pass some of that on (though I have so much still to learn).

I thought that if AH went to meetings and would deal with his feelings and deal with not drinking, his personality would change- and I thought it would happen rapidly and that he'd want it as badly as I wanted it for him.

I don't know your BF but from what you have posted, it sounds like he is SAYING he will and wants to DO a lot of things but is not actually DOING them. People who spend lots of time talking about "wanting to" do things, aren't actually being honest. If you "want to" do something then you do it or at least take steps to doing it. If your BF wanted badly enough to go to meetings, he'd be going.

Let's suppose he does start to go to meetings. There's no guarantee he'll improve. The meetings and program are only useful for those who are willing to invest themselves in it, be vulnerable, open and work hard. My AH went to some meetings over the past few years and even got a sponsor. And then proceeded to try and control his recovery just like he tried to control his drinking. He avoided meetings where he got to know people after a while bc presumably he could not con them. He went through sponsors like he went through beers bc presumably when someone told him something he did not like it was done. I know these things bc during brief periods of honesty, he told me these things were the case.

So, going to a meeting is a good step but he has to be open to the work. I don't know how to explain it really other than give examples of my experience. The first time AH went to AA was 4-5 yrs ago. He spent that summer going to speaker meetings (bc he didn;t want to "be on the spot" in a step meeting) and he came home after each one and told me the story of the speaker and said it was helpful to go bc it showed him how he really wasn;t nearly as bad as anyone else there and he was glad he was getting a clearer perspective. I naively went along with that and thought "oh okay he doesn;t have a problem". So, see, he went to a meeting and just took what he wanted from it which allowed him to think he didn;t have a problem.

I know my story is not real hopeful. And perhaps your BF will keep his word and go to a meeting and want to get well. But whether he does or not will be totally up to him. You won;t be able to do a thing to make him do it. I can regale you with stories of all the ways I "tried" and not one of them did anything but make me crazy and drive him further into his drinking.

Stay on here, try and find a face to face al anon meeting to go to or even talk to friends about what's going on. I continue to find myself amazed at how many others live the same secret we do when I open up and am honest about what I;ve lived with. Alcoholism is a lonely disease for the non-alcoholic (and I am sure it is for the A too) and I wish I'd reached out and spoken up years ago.

You are doing so many great things that are healthy for you and your daughter and you are a great mom for it!

lovemybaby

Update for our situation here , He went to his first meeting yesterday and seemed to be better, and this morning was saying got to get to a meeting a couple times. I am hopeful for me and the wonderful baby that we are on a road to recovery on our own as well. Thank you all. i will be sure to come back often. Off to find a meeting for this strained brain.