My boyfriend is an alcoholic. Advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. Advice?
Warning in advance, this is very long. I just wanted to explain as much as I could.
My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 3 years. I have an 18 month old son with his best friend. (Who isn't around.) He's been the only man who has stood by my side during my pregnancy and has been a wonderful male figure for my son. During my pregnancy, I named him as my son's godfather. After 3 years of growing so close, we finally admitted our feelings and started dating.
We have been dating officially for 3 months now and were casually seeing each other for 4 months prior. I am very much in love with him. Which normally, I would consider ridiculous this early in a relationship, but we've had 3 years as best friends to fall in love. He says he loves me as well and that i'm the woman he wants to marry and have children with. That he wants to adopt my son and be his father.
I knew going into the relationship that he has a problem with drinking. His mother was diagnosed with liver cancer in June. She never drank. He has been in a deep depression since and I have been his source of support. During the first 2 months, he cut down drastically. He said that being with me and thinking of our future gave him a reason to quit, as well as needing to care for his mother. That losing us wasn't worth it.
Over the past month, he's been drinking heavily. It's either he's drunk or hungover. He's become very distant and has expressed mixed feelings about the relationship. In one conversation he'll tell me he's not ready for a relationship and then say that he feels that i'm the one he's meant to spent the rest of his life with. He first said this before he went to visit his mother after her liver transplant. Shortly after, he told me he was scared and he knew that he needs me.
I have spent countless nights watching him down an entire bottle of liquor and taking his anger out by breaking boards in the backyard with his body or a bat. He was in karate for years, so it is a hobby of his. But watching him destroy a painting he made with a bat is ridiculous. I usually end up helping him upstairs to bed. Getting him Tums for heartburn. Having ice water ready in the morning for him, etc. He's has chronic heartburn, which is something that concerns me because my father started with the same, and now has a medical condition due to not getting treatment. His heartburn causes him to throw up frequently. His entire body is sore. He has chronic headaches. He's really worried for his health but has a fear of hospitals and doctors. Over the past year, he has developed horrible anxiety and suffers panic attacks to the point where he has trouble breathing, starts twitching and can't speak.
Our sex life has suffered. He's never in the mood or is too drunk. We don't live together and usually only see each other 1-3 times a week. Which, I feel is good because it's healthy to have personal space. When we're together, everything is usually fine between us other than him getting drunk. He is very affectionate and kind. When we're apart, he starts expressing his doubts. He never drinks around my son. When he is over, he tells me that he enjoys not drinking. That it's a form of rehab for him. He has admitted on many occasions that he needs help and has asked if I would go with him, but he hasn't made any arrangements.
This past week, he's has barely spoken to me. He doesn't call when he says he will. We have mutual friends who have noticed his behavior. His roommates have assured me that there is no one else he is interested in. That he works, comes home, gets drunk and isolates himself. He is usually very outgoing and enjoys conversation. Lately, he is pushing everyone away. I'm the person he usually calls when he's feeling depressed. He has told me that I am the only person he feels comfortable talking to and I always put him at ease. He hasn't been communicating with me like usual. Yesterday, I received one text message from him telling me he loved me. We had a very emotional weekend. I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks, and he said he wanted us to talk. He didn't kiss me when I came in. He kissed me and became slightly more affectionate whenever he became drunk. We started talking and he told me that he loved me, but he's not sure if he can handle a relationship. That he's scared of hurting me. That he doesn't want to lose his best friend. I told him that it was a risk I was willing to take because I have never felt so connected with anyone else. He admitted that a recent pregnancy scare made him start doubting us. He asked if I thought I was pregnant because I wasn't feeling well. I said possibly. He told me he really hoped I was because he really wants to be a father. He'd call me with baby names and plans he has made for us. I told him I was nervous. When I told him I was going to take a test, he told me to take it in front of him to make sure I wasn't lying. He dated a friend of ours a year ago who faked a pregnancy after he broke up with her. To the point where she made an appointment, but wouldn't allow him back for the ultrasound because the doctor said he "couldn't". Told him she had to wait a few days for the ultrasound picture. She gave him the picture in a frame. Her son's father and her sister admitted that it was their son's picture. She had photoshopped a different date.
I never told him I was pregnant. I said I needed to take a test. I recently stopped using birth control because it was causing weight gain and lethargy. I knew it could be due to the hormones. He started screaming at me about how I was a liar and I told him I was possibly pregnant for attention. I told him because he asked. He became so angry that he punched a hole in the wall. I was crying hysterically and he told me to stop being a baby and crying. I screamed at him that he was being a selfish jerk and he was an alcoholic and needed help. He stopped and started crying. He told me he was sorry and he loved me. That he didn't mean to scare me. He was laying on the bathroom floor and I asked him if he wanted help. He said to please help him. I told him about a doctor he can see that takes his insurance and treats alcoholism, depression and anxiety. He said he wanted to go that day, but I told him it was Saturday and he needs to wait to make an appointment. I left to go to a friend's house so we could both have some space and sleep. He called me numerous times saying he loved me and he was sorry. I hear him in his car, and became upset because he was driving to our friend's house because he wanted to talk to his mom who we are close to. She's also an alcoholic and suffered with addiction in the past. I told him not to drive and rushed over to his house, but he was gone. He turned off his phone. I talked to our friend and he said he had just pulled up and he'd take care of him.
Later that night, we talked briefly. Again with the "I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm a trainwreck", and then saying, "I really think we can work through this and be happy together". I have remained very patient with him because I know that his alcoholism is a disease and it is not something he can just stop overnight. That it affects him deeply mentally and emotionally. I have very rarely shown my frustration. He said he was really impressed with how I handle him, because nobody has ever been that patient with him before. That this is the first stable relationship he's been in and he doesn't know how to handle it. He said he's having a hard time connecting and he's always imagining things ending horribly. He told me that he thinks he needs medication for depression, but then said he can't afford a doctor because he's paying so much for his rent and utilities because he's been allowing his friends to stay there. I offered to help him pay his co-pay. He still wouldn't give me a clear answer. I told him I had to leave, and he told me he loved me and would call me tomorrow. I didn't receive anything but a text saying I loved you yesterday. The last thing I have said to him was yesterday. I told him in a text, "I know you have a lot to figure out right now. I'm giving you your space to do so. When you feel like talking, whether it be casually or seriously, I am here. If you still want to see a doctor, the number is ______. He has great reviews and I will drive you and help you pay and if you'd like me to. No pressure. It's your decision and I won't force you. Either way, I am here regardless. I have no expectations right now. All I want is for you to feel better."
I have never been close to anyone with alcoholism before and I have no idea what i'm doing. I don't want to push him away, and have been trying to be patient. I am concerned for our relationship, but I am more concerned about his health and well being. Even if we decide to just be friends, I want to be there for him because I love him unconditionally. He doesn't have anyone else who will support him. He lives with alcoholics and has his alcoholic friends calling him everyday to drink. He is constantly surrounded by alcohol. These people are his closest friends and who claim to love him, but if they really cared, they wouldn't enable him. They have laughed at him when he told him he was quitting drinking. Then made him take a shot. My words hold no weight against theirs. I may have been best friends with him for 3 years, but they have known him for 10 or so. I worry he will push me away and continue his behavior. I now question if he really loves me because if he did, he wouldn't push me away. He has expressed thoughts of suicide. I am absolutely terrified. I know I can't "fix" him and he has to do it himself, but I can't walk away from him. When he's sober, he is incredible. Kind, gentle, loving, sympathetic and attentive to the needs of others. He is very intelligent and talented. I don't want to give up on him because I know he is capable of so much.
Sorry this is so long. I don't have many I can talk to who understand. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 3 years. I have an 18 month old son with his best friend. (Who isn't around.) He's been the only man who has stood by my side during my pregnancy and has been a wonderful male figure for my son. During my pregnancy, I named him as my son's godfather. After 3 years of growing so close, we finally admitted our feelings and started dating.
We have been dating officially for 3 months now and were casually seeing each other for 4 months prior. I am very much in love with him. Which normally, I would consider ridiculous this early in a relationship, but we've had 3 years as best friends to fall in love. He says he loves me as well and that i'm the woman he wants to marry and have children with. That he wants to adopt my son and be his father.
I knew going into the relationship that he has a problem with drinking. His mother was diagnosed with liver cancer in June. She never drank. He has been in a deep depression since and I have been his source of support. During the first 2 months, he cut down drastically. He said that being with me and thinking of our future gave him a reason to quit, as well as needing to care for his mother. That losing us wasn't worth it.
Over the past month, he's been drinking heavily. It's either he's drunk or hungover. He's become very distant and has expressed mixed feelings about the relationship. In one conversation he'll tell me he's not ready for a relationship and then say that he feels that i'm the one he's meant to spent the rest of his life with. He first said this before he went to visit his mother after her liver transplant. Shortly after, he told me he was scared and he knew that he needs me.
I have spent countless nights watching him down an entire bottle of liquor and taking his anger out by breaking boards in the backyard with his body or a bat. He was in karate for years, so it is a hobby of his. But watching him destroy a painting he made with a bat is ridiculous. I usually end up helping him upstairs to bed. Getting him Tums for heartburn. Having ice water ready in the morning for him, etc. He's has chronic heartburn, which is something that concerns me because my father started with the same, and now has a medical condition due to not getting treatment. His heartburn causes him to throw up frequently. His entire body is sore. He has chronic headaches. He's really worried for his health but has a fear of hospitals and doctors. Over the past year, he has developed horrible anxiety and suffers panic attacks to the point where he has trouble breathing, starts twitching and can't speak.
Our sex life has suffered. He's never in the mood or is too drunk. We don't live together and usually only see each other 1-3 times a week. Which, I feel is good because it's healthy to have personal space. When we're together, everything is usually fine between us other than him getting drunk. He is very affectionate and kind. When we're apart, he starts expressing his doubts. He never drinks around my son. When he is over, he tells me that he enjoys not drinking. That it's a form of rehab for him. He has admitted on many occasions that he needs help and has asked if I would go with him, but he hasn't made any arrangements.
This past week, he's has barely spoken to me. He doesn't call when he says he will. We have mutual friends who have noticed his behavior. His roommates have assured me that there is no one else he is interested in. That he works, comes home, gets drunk and isolates himself. He is usually very outgoing and enjoys conversation. Lately, he is pushing everyone away. I'm the person he usually calls when he's feeling depressed. He has told me that I am the only person he feels comfortable talking to and I always put him at ease. He hasn't been communicating with me like usual. Yesterday, I received one text message from him telling me he loved me. We had a very emotional weekend. I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks, and he said he wanted us to talk. He didn't kiss me when I came in. He kissed me and became slightly more affectionate whenever he became drunk. We started talking and he told me that he loved me, but he's not sure if he can handle a relationship. That he's scared of hurting me. That he doesn't want to lose his best friend. I told him that it was a risk I was willing to take because I have never felt so connected with anyone else. He admitted that a recent pregnancy scare made him start doubting us. He asked if I thought I was pregnant because I wasn't feeling well. I said possibly. He told me he really hoped I was because he really wants to be a father. He'd call me with baby names and plans he has made for us. I told him I was nervous. When I told him I was going to take a test, he told me to take it in front of him to make sure I wasn't lying. He dated a friend of ours a year ago who faked a pregnancy after he broke up with her. To the point where she made an appointment, but wouldn't allow him back for the ultrasound because the doctor said he "couldn't". Told him she had to wait a few days for the ultrasound picture. She gave him the picture in a frame. Her son's father and her sister admitted that it was their son's picture. She had photoshopped a different date.
I never told him I was pregnant. I said I needed to take a test. I recently stopped using birth control because it was causing weight gain and lethargy. I knew it could be due to the hormones. He started screaming at me about how I was a liar and I told him I was possibly pregnant for attention. I told him because he asked. He became so angry that he punched a hole in the wall. I was crying hysterically and he told me to stop being a baby and crying. I screamed at him that he was being a selfish jerk and he was an alcoholic and needed help. He stopped and started crying. He told me he was sorry and he loved me. That he didn't mean to scare me. He was laying on the bathroom floor and I asked him if he wanted help. He said to please help him. I told him about a doctor he can see that takes his insurance and treats alcoholism, depression and anxiety. He said he wanted to go that day, but I told him it was Saturday and he needs to wait to make an appointment. I left to go to a friend's house so we could both have some space and sleep. He called me numerous times saying he loved me and he was sorry. I hear him in his car, and became upset because he was driving to our friend's house because he wanted to talk to his mom who we are close to. She's also an alcoholic and suffered with addiction in the past. I told him not to drive and rushed over to his house, but he was gone. He turned off his phone. I talked to our friend and he said he had just pulled up and he'd take care of him.
Later that night, we talked briefly. Again with the "I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm a trainwreck", and then saying, "I really think we can work through this and be happy together". I have remained very patient with him because I know that his alcoholism is a disease and it is not something he can just stop overnight. That it affects him deeply mentally and emotionally. I have very rarely shown my frustration. He said he was really impressed with how I handle him, because nobody has ever been that patient with him before. That this is the first stable relationship he's been in and he doesn't know how to handle it. He said he's having a hard time connecting and he's always imagining things ending horribly. He told me that he thinks he needs medication for depression, but then said he can't afford a doctor because he's paying so much for his rent and utilities because he's been allowing his friends to stay there. I offered to help him pay his co-pay. He still wouldn't give me a clear answer. I told him I had to leave, and he told me he loved me and would call me tomorrow. I didn't receive anything but a text saying I loved you yesterday. The last thing I have said to him was yesterday. I told him in a text, "I know you have a lot to figure out right now. I'm giving you your space to do so. When you feel like talking, whether it be casually or seriously, I am here. If you still want to see a doctor, the number is ______. He has great reviews and I will drive you and help you pay and if you'd like me to. No pressure. It's your decision and I won't force you. Either way, I am here regardless. I have no expectations right now. All I want is for you to feel better."
I have never been close to anyone with alcoholism before and I have no idea what i'm doing. I don't want to push him away, and have been trying to be patient. I am concerned for our relationship, but I am more concerned about his health and well being. Even if we decide to just be friends, I want to be there for him because I love him unconditionally. He doesn't have anyone else who will support him. He lives with alcoholics and has his alcoholic friends calling him everyday to drink. He is constantly surrounded by alcohol. These people are his closest friends and who claim to love him, but if they really cared, they wouldn't enable him. They have laughed at him when he told him he was quitting drinking. Then made him take a shot. My words hold no weight against theirs. I may have been best friends with him for 3 years, but they have known him for 10 or so. I worry he will push me away and continue his behavior. I now question if he really loves me because if he did, he wouldn't push me away. He has expressed thoughts of suicide. I am absolutely terrified. I know I can't "fix" him and he has to do it himself, but I can't walk away from him. When he's sober, he is incredible. Kind, gentle, loving, sympathetic and attentive to the needs of others. He is very intelligent and talented. I don't want to give up on him because I know he is capable of so much.
Sorry this is so long. I don't have many I can talk to who understand. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
I have been reading them hoping to gain some insight.
My son's father is still in town but isn't interested in being a father. He and I didn't date very long. I have a medical condition and was told i'd have trouble with fertility. I knew it was a bad situation, but I wanted my son. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. My boyfriend introduced us. He doesn't mind that we are dating. Since he left during my pregnancy, my boyfriend's friendship with him has suffered. He is disappointed that he doesn't care for his son and isn't making an effort towards his future.
He doesn't work. He's never paid a dime in child support. He grew up with wealthy doctor parents who gave him everything he wanted.
I'm fine with raising my son without him because he is a terrible person. Honestly, I don't even care about money. If I could have him sign over his rights, I would drop the child support in a heartbeat.
My son's father is still in town but isn't interested in being a father. He and I didn't date very long. I have a medical condition and was told i'd have trouble with fertility. I knew it was a bad situation, but I wanted my son. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. My boyfriend introduced us. He doesn't mind that we are dating. Since he left during my pregnancy, my boyfriend's friendship with him has suffered. He is disappointed that he doesn't care for his son and isn't making an effort towards his future.
He doesn't work. He's never paid a dime in child support. He grew up with wealthy doctor parents who gave him everything he wanted.
I'm fine with raising my son without him because he is a terrible person. Honestly, I don't even care about money. If I could have him sign over his rights, I would drop the child support in a heartbeat.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
His friends don't make him drink.
He will get help if he wants it. When he wants it bad enough, nothing will stop him.
His recovery is in no way depending on having a girlfriend (or anyone) to 'support' him, it's an inside job.
He may decide to keep drinking, until he dies.
He has shown you that he can be violent.
If he threatens suicide, call 911 and let professionals handle it. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs, if he's not, he wont pull that **** on you again.
You get to decide whether or not your son is exposed to this type of life. This is *not* the role model most people would select for their precious child
You also get to decide whether or not you are exposed to this type of life.
Please take care of yourself, and that sweet baby who has absolutely no choice in the matter.
He will get help if he wants it. When he wants it bad enough, nothing will stop him.
His recovery is in no way depending on having a girlfriend (or anyone) to 'support' him, it's an inside job.
He may decide to keep drinking, until he dies.
He has shown you that he can be violent.
If he threatens suicide, call 911 and let professionals handle it. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs, if he's not, he wont pull that **** on you again.
You get to decide whether or not your son is exposed to this type of life. This is *not* the role model most people would select for their precious child
You also get to decide whether or not you are exposed to this type of life.
Please take care of yourself, and that sweet baby who has absolutely no choice in the matter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
talkingbird, welcome! Others with more wisdom than I have will be along soon to share it with you, but I just wanted to let you know that you have come to the right place to learn more about how to help yourself, and to let you know that you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
The not knowing of what we are is killing me. The fact that he's pushing me away is making me miserable.
I haven't been eating. I went 3 days without eating until I finally had a salad last night.
I haven't been as social and have been ignoring those closest to me because i'm so emotionally exhausted. I don't feel like explaining over and over again what's going on. I haven't been sleeping well. I find myself having random bouts of crying.
It is affecting me. I have had issues with depression and have been hospitalized for a suicide attempt once. I never sought treatment afterwards. I'm currently experiencing problems with my brain tumor and need to speak with my specialist. I haven't spoken much about my issues these past few weeks because he's so overwhelmed with his own. Usually, he's there to listen an offer support. I'm still positive about achieving my goals and not letting his alcoholism keep my from focusing on my future.
But, I feel like i'm carrying a huge weight that cannot be lifted. I want to be there by his side through everything, but I don't want to wait around forever only to be let down and hurt.
I have been debating whether or not I should just break things off and tell him we should only be friends. I don't want him to feel abandoned and become angry though.
Thank you for the welcome, btw. I appreciate the support. This is all very confusing for me.
I haven't been eating. I went 3 days without eating until I finally had a salad last night.
I haven't been as social and have been ignoring those closest to me because i'm so emotionally exhausted. I don't feel like explaining over and over again what's going on. I haven't been sleeping well. I find myself having random bouts of crying.
It is affecting me. I have had issues with depression and have been hospitalized for a suicide attempt once. I never sought treatment afterwards. I'm currently experiencing problems with my brain tumor and need to speak with my specialist. I haven't spoken much about my issues these past few weeks because he's so overwhelmed with his own. Usually, he's there to listen an offer support. I'm still positive about achieving my goals and not letting his alcoholism keep my from focusing on my future.
But, I feel like i'm carrying a huge weight that cannot be lifted. I want to be there by his side through everything, but I don't want to wait around forever only to be let down and hurt.
I have been debating whether or not I should just break things off and tell him we should only be friends. I don't want him to feel abandoned and become angry though.
Thank you for the welcome, btw. I appreciate the support. This is all very confusing for me.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This is not a healthy relationship and your son should not be exposed to your BF's toxic behavior, and, having unprotected sex isn't a very mature decision as you sound like you have many issues of your own, bringing another child into the mix would be very unfair to the child.
Do what is best for your child, you are your sons voice and his future is greatly influcenced by what you do with your life, set a good example by doing the right thing for him.
Do what is best for your child, you are your sons voice and his future is greatly influcenced by what you do with your life, set a good example by doing the right thing for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by dollydo 
This is not a healthy relationship and your son should not be exposed to your BF's toxic behavior, and, having unprotected sex isn't a very mature decision as you sound like you have many issues of your own, bringing another child into the mix would be very unfair to the child.
Do what is best for your child, you are your sons voice and his future is greatly influcenced by what you do with your life, set a good example by doing the right thing for him.
Do what is best for your child, you are your sons voice and his future is greatly influcenced by what you do with your life, set a good example by doing the right thing for him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Oh, another thing...
"He dated a friend of ours a year ago who faked a pregnancy after he broke up with her. To the point where she made an appointment, but wouldn't allow him back for the ultrasound because the doctor said he "couldn't". Told him she had to wait a few days for the ultrasound picture. She gave him the picture in a frame. Her son's father and her sister admitted that it was their son's picture. She had photoshopped a different date."
I hope she isn't a friend any longer.
Perhaps it is time, to find some new friends.
"He dated a friend of ours a year ago who faked a pregnancy after he broke up with her. To the point where she made an appointment, but wouldn't allow him back for the ultrasound because the doctor said he "couldn't". Told him she had to wait a few days for the ultrasound picture. She gave him the picture in a frame. Her son's father and her sister admitted that it was their son's picture. She had photoshopped a different date."
I hope she isn't a friend any longer.
Perhaps it is time, to find some new friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
I'm considering giving us a month or two to show an improvement before deciding to end the relationship. It may not seem fair and I won't be telling him this. His lease is up at his townhouse next month, and he has decided to move in with his mother to help care for her. Also it will give him an opportunity to save money and take the classes he needs to join the Air Force. He said that it may be easier for him to quit drinking if he's there instead and he may end falling off the map to deal with his alcoholism without distraction.
Whether or not he'll do this, i'm not sure. I'll support him, but i've been in enough bad relationships to know that it's unhealthy for me to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of another person. Not to mention, that my son is involved. My biggest fear is losing my best friend and my son's godfather.
Right now i'm giving his space and working towards my own goals. Is this the best course of action right now?
Whether or not he'll do this, i'm not sure. I'll support him, but i've been in enough bad relationships to know that it's unhealthy for me to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of another person. Not to mention, that my son is involved. My biggest fear is losing my best friend and my son's godfather.
Right now i'm giving his space and working towards my own goals. Is this the best course of action right now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by choublak
Oh, another thing...
"He dated a friend of ours a year ago who faked a pregnancy after he broke up with her. To the point where she made an appointment, but wouldn't allow him back for the ultrasound because the doctor said he "couldn't". Told him she had to wait a few days for the ultrasound picture. She gave him the picture in a frame. Her son's father and her sister admitted that it was their son's picture. She had photoshopped a different date."
I hope she isn't a friend any longer.
Perhaps it is time, to find some new friends.
"He dated a friend of ours a year ago who faked a pregnancy after he broke up with her. To the point where she made an appointment, but wouldn't allow him back for the ultrasound because the doctor said he "couldn't". Told him she had to wait a few days for the ultrasound picture. She gave him the picture in a frame. Her son's father and her sister admitted that it was their son's picture. She had photoshopped a different date."
I hope she isn't a friend any longer.
Perhaps it is time, to find some new friends.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I have to tell you the anger issues scare me more than anything else, he punched a hole in the wall, and called you a liar, this is an escalation of very very dangerous behavior.
As the child of an alcoholic, and the victim of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, I can tell you I am at 49 still working to repair the mess caused by my parents, ex-wife, and others.
Please put some distance between you and him until he has his anger and drinking under tight control for a significant period of time.
Please consider counseling and/or al-anon, you need a better undersatnding of his disease before you sign on to ride a bull in this rodeo, especially with your son tagging along.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Bill
As the child of an alcoholic, and the victim of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, I can tell you I am at 49 still working to repair the mess caused by my parents, ex-wife, and others.
Please put some distance between you and him until he has his anger and drinking under tight control for a significant period of time.
Please consider counseling and/or al-anon, you need a better undersatnding of his disease before you sign on to ride a bull in this rodeo, especially with your son tagging along.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Bill
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by talkingbird
I am concerned for our relationship, but I am more concerned about his health and well being. Even if we decide to just be friends, I want to be there for him because I love him unconditionally.
-Your life/health and your child's life/health. Without them, there is nothing.
Destroying things is a precursor of domestic violence. Who knows what he is capable of doing in his depression and his drunkenness combined? This man is dangerous period. First it is a painting or the wall, afterwards? you. Its just a matter of time.
Life and health are your most precious possessions.
You are risking them by entangling with this man.
I am glad you live in your own house and that you are in SR. I am sorry you are going through so much.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
TAlkingbird,
Welcome to the forum. You have a lot on your plate with a young child, a complicated relationship with an alcoholic and health issues to resolve as well.
Do you have a support network of your own? Family, friends, clergy?
My life has been soaked in alcohol as I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic), married an alcoholic in recovery who relapsed and is now back in recovery, my brother is an alcoholic and in my work 80% of my clients have a loved one in jail who has an alcohol or addictive issue with drugs.
The long term prognosis for your relationship is statistically not good at all unless one thing happens... both of you become committed to serious, long term recovery... and trust me we all need recovery from something!
I don't drink... my addiction is work and it used to "fixing everybody and everything on the planet" ... lol.
What changed my life and has put me solidly on the path of peace and joy is completely releasing my loved ones to their chosen destiny shaped by their choices. Your friend is not making good choices right now and if you emesh yourself in his life and it's continuing turmoil it won't help him nor you.
What helped me was alanon... a great way to get a support network who will understand your situation as they have the well worn mocassins of the same path in their closet. Please try to find a meeting ... try a few for a good fit.
Counseling saved my life. A counselor who understands addiction and relationships is worth their weight in gold!!
Your friend could take a healthy path or continue to do what he is doing by drinking until he is physically sick and raging at the unfairness of things ... both are doomed to bring any real relief or happiness to his future.
You can't "rescue' him... no one can but God and his own self realization.
Taking time away from what is becoming a toxic and negative relationship for YOU...underline YOU... is not a bad thing. If he is the guy for your forever it won't fall apart and it might cause him to consider making seriously positive steps towards his own psychic change.
Lastly I want to advocate for that dear child who needs you to create a healthy and happy environment for him to grow up in. I didn't have that and grew up in a home that was quite literally an insane asylum soaked in booze and codependency. I have had a lifetime of counseling and while my scars are now healed I had many, many years of pain and unresolved anger and bad relationship choices.
Learn about addiction ... it is a vast and confusing subject...relationships with addicts are like stepping into quicksand if you don't watch out and know when to stop struggling so you don't sink so deep that you go under! Tie a rope around your waist and take a time out and breathe and TAKE CARE OF YOU AND THAT BABY!!!!
Welcome to the forum. You have a lot on your plate with a young child, a complicated relationship with an alcoholic and health issues to resolve as well.
Do you have a support network of your own? Family, friends, clergy?
My life has been soaked in alcohol as I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic), married an alcoholic in recovery who relapsed and is now back in recovery, my brother is an alcoholic and in my work 80% of my clients have a loved one in jail who has an alcohol or addictive issue with drugs.
The long term prognosis for your relationship is statistically not good at all unless one thing happens... both of you become committed to serious, long term recovery... and trust me we all need recovery from something!
I don't drink... my addiction is work and it used to "fixing everybody and everything on the planet" ... lol.
What changed my life and has put me solidly on the path of peace and joy is completely releasing my loved ones to their chosen destiny shaped by their choices. Your friend is not making good choices right now and if you emesh yourself in his life and it's continuing turmoil it won't help him nor you.
What helped me was alanon... a great way to get a support network who will understand your situation as they have the well worn mocassins of the same path in their closet. Please try to find a meeting ... try a few for a good fit.
Counseling saved my life. A counselor who understands addiction and relationships is worth their weight in gold!!
Your friend could take a healthy path or continue to do what he is doing by drinking until he is physically sick and raging at the unfairness of things ... both are doomed to bring any real relief or happiness to his future.
You can't "rescue' him... no one can but God and his own self realization.
Taking time away from what is becoming a toxic and negative relationship for YOU...underline YOU... is not a bad thing. If he is the guy for your forever it won't fall apart and it might cause him to consider making seriously positive steps towards his own psychic change.
Lastly I want to advocate for that dear child who needs you to create a healthy and happy environment for him to grow up in. I didn't have that and grew up in a home that was quite literally an insane asylum soaked in booze and codependency. I have had a lifetime of counseling and while my scars are now healed I had many, many years of pain and unresolved anger and bad relationship choices.
Learn about addiction ... it is a vast and confusing subject...relationships with addicts are like stepping into quicksand if you don't watch out and know when to stop struggling so you don't sink so deep that you go under! Tie a rope around your waist and take a time out and breathe and TAKE CARE OF YOU AND THAT BABY!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
This is my opinion only, and it has been formed from years of living with an alcoholic spouse.
I would end the relationship. If he enters recovery and stays in recovery for a period of time ( I say a year to start, but again, just me) then maybe consider a relationship. I don't know why, with a choice, anyone would choose that life. I think allowing him to adopt your son is terrifying. You want to give a drunk, violent addict LEGAL rights over YOUR SON?
I just really urge you to think about it. It's not an easy life, the one that you are entering here. Chances are it will get worse, not better. Don't get me wrong, some do get better. Many do not. It could be a really, really hard life.
Please Please Please take a step back for a while. Really consider before jumping into things with this guy. He is giving you an out-which is probably a blessing.
I would end the relationship. If he enters recovery and stays in recovery for a period of time ( I say a year to start, but again, just me) then maybe consider a relationship. I don't know why, with a choice, anyone would choose that life. I think allowing him to adopt your son is terrifying. You want to give a drunk, violent addict LEGAL rights over YOUR SON?
I just really urge you to think about it. It's not an easy life, the one that you are entering here. Chances are it will get worse, not better. Don't get me wrong, some do get better. Many do not. It could be a really, really hard life.
Please Please Please take a step back for a while. Really consider before jumping into things with this guy. He is giving you an out-which is probably a blessing.
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