frances2011

What amazing shares. *Feels the Community of Those Who Have Been There*

Upthread, someone said: "I also was always confused by the whole "you can do anything you put your mind to" thing they tell kids in school. I thought, "oh, so if I put my mind to making so-and-so do blank, it'll happen!" Haha. That motivational quote needs to be edited, IMHO."

Me too. I took this on literally to mean that I could solve my family's dysfunction and actually keep my AM from dying from cancer by the sheer force of my own will. If I tried hard enough, she would not die. And yet, living with her was horrible sometimes and I more than once had wished she *would* die so I would be free from her attacks.

I carried around the guilt of having "killed" her by my failures for years. This was my Big Big Secret.

P.S.--Ex-Catholic. Happily Quaker today.

May everyone reading this thread feel peace and gentleness for themselves today.

Thlayli

Awesome post Mike. It reminds me a little of some of the concepts from A Course in Miracles. I've found the book A Return to Love really helpful.

I mentioned that my parents were very religious. I don't see the religion as necessarily contributing to the co-dependency or the guilt though. We were part of a very liberal denomination. I think that religious organizations provide a fairly safe place to express some codependent leanings and may attract people who have these tendencies

NYCDoglvr

What I learned is that I am attracted to deeply flawed men. It gives me the chance to focus on their problems instead of my own. I can turn to alcohol but addiction to screwed up men works great too. A good part of this was low self-esteem, believing I deserved losers. I guess I suffered so much pain I realized I would do anything ... al-anon and therapy gave me the courage to see myself, change my behavior. I stopped breaking my own heart.

24Years

I'm amazed at the number of "Catholic" posts...and here I am, another Catholic. I did think at first that my faith had me staying too long in my marriage, more so because I didn't want to offend God (or make the wrong decision in the "better or worse" "sickness and health" marriage vow) yet I think the process of my discovering the best decision would have occurred Catholic or not. I'm a former Catholic school teacher and that experience helped me learn a lot more about the religion (required courses, etc.) because even having been raised by a Catholic dad and Lutheran/turned Catholic mom, there was a lot of misconceptions on their part. In final, sadly my dad used religion to justify behaviors he should not embrace as a "Christian." It was/is sick and twisted. I'm happy to say I survived that and am the better for it.