Angry and Hurt ...

Old 01-15-2012, 08:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Angry and Hurt ...

He made a decision to take his daughter's dog (horse) for 8 months. Doesn't even take care of our dog. Was supposed to possibly go into detox and rehab, but couldn't now - because I can't take care of a huge young dog who scratches doors, eats baseboards, etc. He'll ruin the house. He's not a personable dog at all and that scares me. He might decide my little dog is a 'chew toy'. I'm also allergic and so is he.

At first we said yes - since everyone else had said no and she was crying - even though not too long ago she was calling, blaming us for ripping her off when we got a friend to fix her car.

Then I changed my mind and said NO. Wow me - the codie - saying No! He says 'too bad - if you don't like it, you can leave'. Really??? He's put me thru so much and this isn't even the worst. It just proves to me that I don't have a say and he doesn't care what I think. That's all I should need - right?

I've been ready to leave for a long time and he's opening the door for me - over a dog. I love animals but I didn't think I'd have to give an ultimatum - nor did I think he'd choose the animal considering he almost killed our dog when she was a puppy. In a healthy relationship, I would think it takes both parties to agree to a decision that affect both people. I don't know anymore. I'm SO angry, but I know he wants to make up for being an a**hole to his kids many times in their young lives and because she's mad that she thinks he ripped her off - which IS ridiculous, this is an opportunity to atone for something he didn't even do. He's a liar, cheater and drunk, but he wouldn't steal from his kids.

I guess it's at the cost of losing me - because I'm holding my ground. If he doesn't tell her we've had a change of heart - I'm leaving. I have a LOT to pack, so I hope I can find the strength and energy. Never thought I'd be leaving for a dog, but it isn't really about the dog - it's about HIS control. That's how much he cares about me or how I feel. Good to know. I'm hurt though, but why bother? Geez this is just stupid - like my whole life has been with an alcoholic ...
tryintosmile is offline  
Old 01-15-2012, 10:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Please stand firm, you deserve better than this, this is BS!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, please, please, come back often, I will be glad to listen, I want to lmpw your doing ok.

Big hugs to you,

Bill
Willybluedog is offline  
Old 01-15-2012, 10:15 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
My nerves are shot and I can't sleep. I could just accept his decision, but I know I must go. It's an opportunity knocking. It just doesn't feel like that right now. There's so much to do to get there. I can't even wrap my head around it. I feel so lost. I knew this was going to happen - sooner or later, but the middle of a cold winter is about the worst time to be making major decisions.

I just wish I had someone to help me through this ... I know there really isn't anyone. Why don't I have any faith in myself? Why can't I stop crying? This guy has been so abusive through the years and I should be SO happy to get out. I know others have been here. I just think of how I will lose everything I've worked so hard for over the years. He will fight me for the things he wants and it won't be fair, but I don't have the energy for that battle.

Oh gawd - it's just so much easier to give in. Now I know why I've done it all these years. Oh well - I'll try to sleep on it. There's nothing I can do in the middle of the night anyway - except worry.
tryintosmile is offline  
Old 01-15-2012, 10:20 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thanks Bill - I just saw your comment. I hope it doesn't look too stupid to make a decision over something like this. It's not just the dog. It's that HE can do whatever he wants on a whim, but I'm made to suffer greatly if I make a decision he doesn't like.

Everyone in her family said NO - I mean everyone. They didn't hesitate. Now he's going to be the hero, but in theory, if this relationship dissolves, the house that would contain him and the dog should be sold anyway. I'd have to force that to get my equity.

Life is just such a mess! Is it really possible to ever have peace of mind? I just don't know ...
tryintosmile is offline  
Old 01-15-2012, 10:25 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hey kiddo, I will be there for you, you can count on me, I know what its like for someone to tear your guts out and laugh at you while you are on the ground.

I will be your rock, that's what we do for each other here.

You can do this, it will hurt like hell at first, but I have to tell you, after 15 years with an abuser i found an angel, they are out there, I have the most wonderful wife now, and 2 beautiful kids.

I hope you kind get some rest, you need to take care of you, eat right, pray or meditate, exercise, and be proud of yourself.

You are a good person and you derserve good things.

Sweet dreams,

Bill
Willybluedog is offline  
Old 01-15-2012, 10:32 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post
Hey kiddo, I will be there for you, you can count on me, I know what its like for someone to tear your guts out and laugh at you while you are on the ground.

I will be your rock, that's what we do for each other here.

You can do this, it will hurt like hell at first, but I have to tell you, after 15 years with an abuser i found an angel, they are out there, I have the most wonderful wife now, and 2 beautiful kids.

I hope you kind get some rest, you need to take care of you, eat right, pray or meditate, exercise, and be proud of yourself.

You are a good person and you derserve good things.

Sweet dreams,

Bill
Thank you so much. I needed to hear that - even if I doubt anyone will ever care for me again. I'm too tainted. Glad that you found love That's sweet.

'nite
tryintosmile is offline  
Old 01-15-2012, 10:53 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Oh honey, it's notjust a dog, it's all about power and control.

And you're not to tainted, I told myself that same thing for so many years, how can anyone love me I have been verbally, physically, and sexually abused. I don't deserve anyones love.

It's all crap, we put up these walls to protect ourselves from hurt, and pain, and suffering.

I love you, why, because you are a human being, and you deserve love.

You have caused no harm, you are the victim of an abuser, it hurts me to know that my mother will always love booze more than me, but I soldier on, I am the baby duck, I just keep on waddling and quacking.

You can do this, if you learn to love yourself, then others cannot help but love you.

Please don't lose faith, there is someone out there that wants to love you, and treat you like the princess that you are, god will bring that person to you once all the debris in your life is cleared away..

Please go look at the ACOA forum, at the end of december I posted a set of self-esteem exercises my therapist gave me, they are positive affirmations, they seem a little corny, but if you do them often they really help.

Anytime you are feeling down, you just let me know, I have a big bear hug for you, all you have to do is picture my arms around you holding you tight.

You can send me a private message and I will give you my facebook and email if you would like them.

Aw hell i'm rambling, but i'm worried about you.

You see this is my payback, I almost died a few years ago in a car accident, nearly bled out, I said a prayer and an angel stopped the bleeding, no kidding, the artery in my arm was cut, I was spraying blood, I was almost gone, the bleeing just stopped.

I know god has a plan for me, I don't know for sure what it is, but I think it is for me to be there when others need me.

So, I will be there for you, you have a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, an ear to bend, just don't give up hope.

May god bless you and keep you well,

Your friend,

Bill
Willybluedog is offline  
Old 01-16-2012, 05:00 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It's not about the dog, it's about his lack of consideration for you. He is an abusive person.

The HP has given you a prompt to walk thru a new door...please do so, for you.

You derserve so much more.

Hugs and support heading your way!
dollydo is offline  
Old 01-16-2012, 10:40 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((tryingtosmile))) - I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I agree, it's not about the dog, that just seems like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 20+ years with a functioning alcoholic, and I, too, was crying, emotional and everything else. A part of me KNEW that I needed to get out, but a bigger part of me was scared to death. Don't do what I did, which was turn to drugs and become an addict.

Now, several years later (almost 5 in recovery for addiction and codependency), I just found out that the XABF actually married ONE of the other gf's he had when we were together (it was a REALLY dysfunctional relationship, and I was a raging codie). Even though I don't want him or anyone like him, it stirred up feelings I was totally unprepared for.

I journaled about it and "talked" to several friends here. Today? I'm grateful for the person I've become and the crazy feelings are gone.

I've been driving all night, am about to go to sleep, but will check on you later. This IS an opportunity for you to get out, and if you don't feel strong enough about yourself, let us love you until you love yourself. In the meantime, one foot in front of the other, lots of deep breaths, and come here if it gets overwhelming.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 01-16-2012, 12:02 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((tryingtosmile))) - I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I agree, it's not about the dog, that just seems like the straw that's breaking the camel's back.
Thanks for that Amy. For now he has 'suckered' me back in and has convinced me that he will take care of everything. He has told me that he will tell his daughter that if it doesn't work out, we won't be able to keep him. That means that if she has nowhere else for him to go and has to put him down, it will now be on us and not all of the other people who initially said 'no'. I guess I don't love myself enough to fight this the way I wish I could, but thank you for your kindness. I'm so glad that there are other people who will offer to love you when you aren't loving yourself. I know that saying that 'God helps those who help themselves' and if that is true, he wouldn't be helping me too much right now, because I still don't have the courage of my convictions to follow through. I'm sorry for what you've been going through. Crazy how we could still have 'stirred' feelings about someone who has wreaked so much havoc in our lives. My A can do that to me, but I swear I don't feel love towards him anymore. What is it then?
tryintosmile is offline  
Old 01-16-2012, 12:11 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There are plenty of reputable dog rescues out there in the event she can't take care of the dog. If it comes to that, let me know and I'll network to find out what is available in your area.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 01-16-2012, 03:19 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trying))) - for me it's not love, but it stirred up the old feelings of not being "good enough", abandonment, anger and a million other feelings I went through with him. I thought I was having a major codie slip, but was reminded that feelings are just feelings, and it's more about whether we act on them or not (and how). Trust me, I got suckered back in a lot of times, but the pain of staying gets too much and we have to get out.

I agree with ((Freedom)) about dog rescues. There are a lot of animal lovers here, and some are very familiar with rescue associations. I know that won't solve all the issues, but it's an option that may be the best for everyone, including the dogs.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:29 AM.