choublak

I initially joined this site because of my RABF, who is doing quite well and has been sober for about a month. He goes to a class for addicts twice a week and I think he actually likes it now. So, no problems with him.

However.

My parents are getting a divorce, if my mom actually decides to go through with it this time. This has happened about three times before: my mom made plans but didn't follow through with them because my dad came back and begged and cried and she caved. My dad is not an alcoholic. He has been having an on and off affair with a girl younger than both me and my brother, and has been playing games with my mom. That is the cliff notes version of a background story.

Anyway, it seems like this time my mom is going to go through with a divorce. This morning I get a text from my dad:

"I'm not doing well at all. I am miserable and feel like I'm in hell. I want mom back so bad but she hates me and won't talk to me or let me get anywhere near her. I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is over."

This isn't the first time he has messaged me like this. I don't have much contact with him because we live in different states.

But why must he send me these texts?

I don't hate him, I just wish he wouldn't keep telling me about whatever problems he is having with my mom.

He can also be manipulative...he acts more like an active A than my RABF...

m1k3

The way I handled manipulative texts and voice mails from AW after we separated was to simply ignore them. I read/listened to the messages, still do, because we are not divorced and there could be questions or issues about finances. Other than that they either get deleted or filed.

Your friend,

JillGorges87

Wow, reading this post brought back so many memories of how my father was. Unlike your dad mine was an alcoholic and when he was actively in his disease I would get many phone calls and texts like the one you got. I got to a point where I just could not stand to hear it anymore. I set a boundary with my dad by telling him that while I understand he is upset for whatever reason, I no longer wanted to receive these types of phone calls and messages. I set a boundary for my personal sanity and peace of mind. It was hard at first to even get the guts to tell him, because I was so worried about hurting his feelings. However, he was understanding for the most part and not only was it so much better not getting all the bs from my dad, we actually were able to have a much better/positive relationship. So, my decision was to no longer take part or engage in this behavior with my dad. But it is important to let that person know your intentions instead of ignoring them in my opinion. No one is a mind reader, your dad may not even realize how much it really does bother you.

Hope that helps you find the right direction : )

Thumper

Yep I'd either ignore or simply message back "I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now." and leave it at that. Messages like his imply that we should somehow provide a solution/fix or 'let them off the hook'. You don't have to do either. I used to have to think about this really hard because my immediate reaction was to feel anxiety about either fixing it or making it go away. I don't. It isn't my place, my job, or even anything I can possibly do. It gets easier with time. I don't want to cut everyone in my life off so I had to find ways to navigate the world in new ways.

IME sometimes the person at the other end is really trying to manipulate me into one of those two scenarios as a way to move responisibility to me but other times it isn't really like that at all. It is a problem on my end and they are actually grateful that I just extend my 'sorry' and leave it at that.

jamaicamecrazy

"Sorry you are feeling this way"
you cheating dog...yeah, leave off the last part. I have my own issues with that scenario.

Sounds like he wants you to feel sorry for him and maybe intervene.
You need to decide how involved you are willing to be.

wanttobehealthy

As I have thought and probably said on here many times, A behavior isn't restricted to those who abuse alcohol (at least that's my opinion) and your Dad, I am sorry to say, screams manipulative jerk whose behavior sure smacks of that of an A. I suppose Narcissist could also fit. He makes the choice to cheat, he is happy when it's working for him and your mom is still hanging in, she finally gets the nerve to boot him and now HE is concerned about HIMSELF????? That's narcissistic behavior if I ever saw it. If he were really torn up he'd be DOING something to change what he could-- which is HIS behavior. He doesn't want to change- he wants your mom to give in and let him keep up his philandering. Wow, I feel for you. I'd be tempted to lecture my dad if I were in your shoes but I think delete and ignore is the best option. I hope your mom sticks with the divorce this time... My father was a cheater (may still be- I have nothing to do with him anymore) and he was always the victim. He got caught? It's bc my mom didn't respect his privacy! He lost his r/s with all his kids after he moved out to be with girlfriend du jour who didn't want kids around and he was the victim when she dumped him later and he wanted us all to be happy he wanted us around again...

I don't think there's any reason at all for you to feel sorry for him... I think that he needs to decide what he wants in his own life and what he's willing to do to have it. If he wants to be a cheater then he'd better be willing to deal with being divorced. If he wants a family then he should act like a family man.

choublak

Yeah, things are fine between us when he doesn't bring up the drama between he and my mom. So I don't want to cut off all contact.

choublak

I do wonder how exactly he thinks I can intervene. Does he think I can "make" my mom change her mind?

LucyA

How about a text saying 'hey dad, I love you and I love mum too, please dont expect me to take sides and please don't involve me in your argument'

he could make his own mind up after that, and so could you.

choublak

So I sent him a text, "I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now."

The response?

"It's really hard!! Mom won't even talk to me!! She hates me!! I can't live without her. No one will talk to me!!!"

Anyone care to translate? Haha

LucyA

translation = I want as many people on my side as possible, please feel sorry for me and be on my side.

you will take that how you want to, I'm guessing your an adult and can make up your own mind, give your dad the same respect, let him sort his own problems out.

catlovermi

Recovery has taught me that if the issue is not DIRECTLY between ME and person B, then I don't have to respond.

In fact, I don't even have to have an opinion on the matter!

This was a paradigm shift, for me.

CLMI

choublak

Thank you. I have gained so many tools to deal with difficult people in my life by reading posts on here.

nicam

Honestly, what are you supposed to do? It wasn't like it was a one-time slip up with this girl, he had a full-blown affair FFS.

Guys like this want their cake and they want to eat it too. There's no remorse, they are only sorry when they have to suffer the consequences of their actions. Then, they come back and say all the right things to manipulate their way back in. As soon as their partner lets her guard down, they do the same thing all over again.

Good for you mom! I hope she sticks to her guns this time. As for you, not your issue.

wanttobehealthy

Translation:

"Me me me me me. I am a victim, feel sorry for me".

If he couldn't live without her he wouldn't have a) begun or b) carried on an affair repeatedly. As for no one talking to him, that sounds like exagerrated victim speak. Your mom won't talk to him? Good. Wise move on her part. His involving you in THEIR marital issues or rather, his philandering issue is crap parenting imo.

I don't know what to suggest other than not to respond. Your initial response was good. He needs to talk to a friend, a therapist, etc.... His daughter is not the person he should be asking to listen to his woes (that he created all for himself).

You could point that out to him and maybe tough love is what he needs?

skippernlilg

The question "How do I respond?" is interesting to me. It makes me wonder if you feel you 'owe a response' just because someone said something to you (nonsensical text from him, I might add).

I've learned that not everything merits a response at all. If we care about someone and not their behavior or actions, we can certainly find a way to show we care without getting in the midst of the problem.

I like the idea we've learned here that we can allow the others around us the dignity to make decisions to get themselves out of their sad/horrible/ugly/depressing situations.

choublak

Thanks everyone. I think the question in the title was more of a rhetorical vent, I'm sorry for the confusion. I certainly don't feel that I owe a response.