Boundary setting

Old 01-15-2012, 03:05 AM
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Boundary setting

I've been guilty of the idle threat in the past. Not that I've meant them to be idle but I've not followed through on what i've said - like if you drink again, that's it we're through.

However, thanks to reading SR, I'm getting stronger and last night/this morning did what I said I'd do. Currently ABF's sleeping patterns are screwed, he's dozing for most of the day and then seems to be awake most of the night, when he can't resist pawing me.

Fortunately I have a superpower, which is I can sleep anywhere at pretty much any time. I can also get by without that much sleep for a while but if I get disturbed once I'm asleep, boy watch out.

Last night I asked him to let me sleep, not to try anything and generally he could hold me, but no trying any funny business. That is off the menu while he is drinking. If he did try anything then I'd go sleep on the couch.

Early this morning, it started. So I said no, got up and went to the couch. He got upset, said he'd sleep there instead. But I insisted, curled up under a sleeping bag and he went back to bed. 30 minutes later, he came to hug me. then said he wanted to watch TV so I should go back to bed. I agreed as long as he left me along. True to form, 30 minutes later, he came back to bed. So I got up. I didn't want to, I'm knackered but I got up and went out for a coffee.

When I came back he said he'd learnt his lesson, that I do mean what I say. I'm not sure he actually means that but I know that I need to keep this up. Set the line, state the consequences and follow through.

I'm hoping that if I can keep doing this, he will understand that when I say if he doesn't embrace his recovery, that we're through.
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Old 01-15-2012, 03:30 AM
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Good job GoatGirl,

My XABF did the same thing, came by to bed one time and another one and another again, waking me up throughout the night when I tried to sleep and he was outside drinking with his buddy. Very very disrespectful in many ways.

Keep setting your boundaries and sticking to them, good job!
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Old 01-15-2012, 05:39 AM
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Here is my thought on this.

Ultimatums (if you drink again, we're through) put the power in the other persons hands. They are a manipulation technique. We are hoping we won't have to take responsibility for ourselves, so we hand it over to them, keeping our fingers crossed that they will choose to take care of us.

It very often backfires, and often does not accomplish anything more than us having to eat crow, and them realizing we don't mean it.

We, at some point, have to use the power we have in our own lives, to make a change.

Saying, "I won't be with you when you drink" and then not being with them when they drink, is us taking responsibility. We say what we will do, and don't try to get them to do what we hope for.

"I'm leaving. I will not be with a drunk" is a strong statement. Saying it outloud, taking ownership of it makes our stand clear to ourselves as well as them. They can do whatever they are going to do, but we are not going to be with a drunk, period.

I know this is easier said than done, especially when there are finances, kids and a lot of time invested in the relationship. But it is what we work towards.
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Old 01-15-2012, 05:45 AM
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Great Advice Threshold.
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Old 01-15-2012, 07:46 AM
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Cripes, the drunk pawing. I HATE it so much. My AH knew 100% how I felt about it, and expressed (when sober) that he understood my boundary there. When drunk, it always started again. Gross.

Good luck.
L
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:50 AM
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Threshold, thanks.

I've made the statement out loud to him in front of both the local alcohol nurse and his therapist. It came up after we discussed him going into rehab, he said he does want to do it because he knows that I need a break. Both who have immediately asked he if understood that it's not a break from him, but a break from the situation. He seems to understand that.

We also talked today about how his rehab stint is the opportunity for us to both concentrate on ourselves, that the us bit will come a bit further down the line. He's going to be in for at least 8 weeks, so a good time to start taking a look at ourselves.

And as for the drunken pawing, I feel bad about turning him down, he's such a little boy right now who wants to be comforted. He's spent most of the day in bed, and I know he's mainly done it to make sure he doesn't annoy me by getting too clingy. He also just said, I know the rules for tonight are the same as last night.
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Old 01-15-2012, 02:44 PM
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Well guess I don't have to worry about pawing for the first few hours tonight.

He went out earlier, when he realised he only had one can left, to get more 'just in case he needed it'. Came back with 4 cans of cider and receipt that said he'd also bought a bottle of gin.

He hates gin.

He claimed he'd bought it for me but then ditched it at the top of someone's driveway as he didn't want it in the house. He then half collapsed on the sofa, made sense for a while and then passed out.

He's spent the past 20 minutes scrabbling at the back of the sofa, occasionally blowing it kisses and then asking if it would take its pants down.

I finished watching tv, turned the heating off as usual, killed the lights and come to bed.
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by GoatGirl View Post

And as for the drunken pawing, I feel bad about turning him down, he's such a little boy right now who wants to be comforted. He's spent most of the day in bed, and I know he's mainly done it to make sure he doesn't annoy me by getting too clingy. He also just said, I know the rules for tonight are the same as last night.
Ah, the little boy who needs comfort aspect is SO hard to not respond to. It was repeatedly the thing that softened my heart too. They are hurting, and needy and they don't trust anyone but us...

And they believe it when they say it, and we know their situations, and we know that there is some truth in it...BUT

and yesterday really made the BUT very very clear to me. BUT, he manages to get to work every day. BUT he manages to get to the store at least once daily to buy booze. BUT he maintains contact with his contacts but constantly forgets to call me. BUT he's considerate to his coworkers, dog walker, paper boy, and ignores me or treats me like shyte until he's that scared, sad little boy again.

Both the capable man, and the hurting boy are actual aspects of him. BUT why does it seem I always get one and not the other?

I'm glad that things are progressing with your bf and rehab etc. I think it's a good opportunity for you to evaluate things and get a handle on your own issues regarding this.

I hope that this is the start of real healing for both of you as individuals, and eventually, your relationship.
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:41 PM
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Originally Posted by GoatGirl View Post

He's spent the past 20 minutes scrabbling at the back of the sofa, occasionally blowing it kisses and then asking if it would take its pants down.

I finished watching tv, turned the heating off as usual, killed the lights and come to bed.
hugs, sounds like a discouraging night. So sorry. My heart sinks when the man I love drinks and turns into that stupid, gross idiot. drunk messages on my answering machine, or crawling under my couch crying, or grunting classical music to me while he bops me with his beer belly...and I think to myself..We are NOT in fourth grade...we're in our forties...ugh
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Old 01-15-2012, 05:27 PM
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The fo llowing thread was posted back in 2005 by a fellow Country Gal of yours, and quite the gal she is:

Thank you hydrogirl for 'bumping' it up:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html


I hope it helps!

You did a great job last night!!!

Love and hugs,
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