CalamityJane

Hey,
Before I really got gung ho about my AH drinking, I used to drink with him. Not as much of course, but I liked to have a can of beer or a glass of wine, or even just cook with wine.
I realized that I couldn't even enjoy having a drink of wine, when every bottle I brought home for myself would disappear overnight. One time he even drank a bottle that I told him not to because it was a gift for a friends birthday, and costed more than just your regular table wine.

Anyhow, I stopped drinking at home after a while. I had the good excuse of being pregnant for part of it, but when I stopped breast feeding I really wanted to have a glass of wine or something. I continued not to drink until I took a solo vacation home to see family and on the flight had a couple small bottles of red and was sooooo happy. I think I had one or two beers over my trip, but when I returned back home I continued on with not drinking at home. I suppose I was telling myself that I shouldn't drink with him because it would be condoning it. But every now and then I would really like to have a drink for myself. Is that wrong?

I finally told my AH how much I miss having a drink, but feel like I can't anymore because of him..and that I was personally offended when I was pregnant and couldn't drink that he didn't even tone it down a bit for my benefit.

Anyhow...long story short...we went out last night with friends, and I ordered a drink, because he decided not to drink at the restaurant (only when we got home)...and it felt nice. It felt normal. I am curious to know what everyones stand on drinking is.

Thanks!
CJ

CalamityJane

Hey, Gonna bump my own post cause I would really like to know what friends and family of alcoholics think of drinking themselves. Thanks.
CJ

akalacha

For the longest time I wouldn't drink around my A. But I might have a beer or glass of wine if I were out with friends without him. Like you, I occasionally enjoy a drink and started resenting that I felt like I ¨couldn't¨ have a drink at home. After a while I wondered what good the no drinking at home (for me) rule did. It certainly made no difference to him-he drank as much, if not more than ever. So now I keep a bottle of wine and sometimes have a glass when I'm cooking a nice meal, or watching a movie at night. We have separate rooms these days and I keep the bottle in my room. Beer is out of the question as it would have to stay in the fridge and he would drink it as soon as he saw it. That said, IF he were in recovery I would not drink in front of him at all or keep any alcohol in the house . But he's not.

AngelicaBianca

Hi, I despise it. I don't drink at all.

Thumper

Towards the end of our relationship I pretty much quit drinking at home. We are divorced now. I do drink but not much. I pay attention now in ways I did not before. I want to set a better example for my kids then the one I had.

Drinking is a social thing for me and drinking with my ah was not social. I was surviving is all.

MsGrace

I'm divorcing the A...but the experience with him has definately changed my views on it. I find I have such an aversion...I couldn't even bring myself to offer any alcohol at my annual holiday party. I just couldn't do it. I don't know if I'll get back to "normal" once in a blue moon glass of wine with a meal or whatever...for now, I can't even imagine it.

MyGirlGracie

Not really... not anymore. We used to have a few beers together when we first got together, but it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't NEED it nor did I WANT it every day like my A did. These days, I might have a beer or a glass of wine a couple of times during the year (holidays or dinner out), but no more than that because I am always the DD because my A will ALWAYS have too much.

I think the biggest reason I don't drink with my A anymore is that I don't like the look of delight on her face when I do... it's like she is beyond pleased... like I imagine what the "devil's" face looks like when someone gives in to a really bad temptation! (I might be projecting here... who knows). She has told me in the past that it makes her happy to see someone enjoy a drink when she knows that THAT person CAN and WILL stop drinking well before being impaired... that person has CONTROL. Personally, I don't buy this statement... sharing a drink with her feels like I am co-conspiring and makes her feel less guilty, at least for a while.

I just can't seem to bring myself to participate in her continued self-destruction... the idea almost makes me sick to my stomach...

XXXXXXXXXX

I used to drink socially. I used to like to have wine with dinner or a glass before I went to bed occasionally. I must say that the last two years have made me hate alcohol to the point where I cringe when I see a billboard or commercial or even see someone else buying booze in the store. It's irrational, I know.

The other day my best friend's father died and she asked me to come over. I bought a bottle of bailey's at the liquor store on the way home because I knew it was something she would really like and I couldn't think of anything else to take to her. I had a couple of coffees with a little in it, not enough to even feel a buzz, just enough to flavor my coffee. It was the first drink I had in 4 months.

Now that the alcoholic is nearly out of my life, I need to get over my fear of alcohol.

LifesALongSong

I feel like what others have posted that really don't care for a drink any more myself. The only time I have one/two beers is when I go out and eat some greasy food, which is rare. But I find the darkest/heaviest beer I can get, it slides easy with the grease or other way around ? But in general I don't enjoy even thinking about haveing a drink any more.

DMC

Growing up, my parents often had wine with dinner, and I enjoy a glass as well. I cook with it a lot.

While I was still with my ex, I also pretty much eliminated it, and resented him for it.

He's been gone for 2.5 years now, and I do enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a cocktail every so often - mostly, I appreciate having the option. He was always a beer drinker (until he switched to Scotch), and I have never liked beer, so there is NO beer here! Well, that I know of. I am still finding it occasionally. Mostly empties, occasionally a full one. Amazing how many hiding places he had...

worried72

Almost never at home around my A when he was actively drinking... ick. Sometimes with my friends, but barely to buzz state.

With a newly sober (60 days) DH, not at all around him.
L.

m1k3

I stopped drinking around my AW when she was going through a no drinking phase. I didn't know she had switched to Ambien, it was much easier to hide. I moved out 9 months ago after her last binge.

In took me a bit to be normal with alcohol. I alternated between drinking too much because I could and hating drinking. Pretty much I will allow myself 2 or 3 drinks on Saturday if I'm not going out. I find having a drink and spending the day cooking to be very relaxing.

I am an ACOA as well I have issues about letting myself feel strong emotions, especially strong negative emotions. Sometimes having a drink or 2 will break down that wall and let the emotions out so I can deal with them.

Growing up in an alcoholic household and a working class neighborhood where daily drinking is normal even if you aren't an alcoholic and living with an alcoholic wife didn't help.

I have had issues with drinking in the past and skated close to the edge several time. After looking over the edge I always decided that wasn't the way for me and backed off.

I am mindful of my drinking now. I do enjoy it but it is not something I worry about any more. I see it as something like food that I have used as a crutch in the past. I have to be mindful about both the eating and the drinking and as I work more on my program and dealing with the underlying issues I am finding that I have less and less need for my crutches.

Your friend,

Isollae

I grew up in a non-drinking household. My father was a reverend and my mother was allergic to alcohol. Never saw someone drink at all until I hit 21 and went to my first bar with some friends.
I did drink socially for a bit in my early 20's, but most of my life I've rarely drank. My father told me as a kid that the problem with drugs and alcohol is that they take away your self-control and then you can't be yourself. Those words stuck with me, especially when I did go to bars or party's and see friends personalities sometimes change a bit if they drank too much.
I can enjoy a drink however, I just tend to avoid it. Like others have said, I feel like I'm encouraging/permitting if I have a drink with him.

LaneyT

I use to drink with him to take the edge off the drama to come. Then it became to frequent. I am at the point that if I see or am around anyone with even just a buzz it makes me sick to my stomache. I tried to drink New Years Eve. I had a sip or two then poured it out. I have no desire to have a drink. I never really even cared for the taste of any of it. When I did drink when I was younger it was to help me be more social. I use to be really shy. I've grown out of that for the most part.

jamaicamecrazy

Interesting question. I used to drink with my husband- 2 beers to his about 30. I resented not being able to drink at social gatherings because I was always the designated driver. Later on he was better at not drinking if we went to an event that was my social group and I wanted to indulge-but he made up for it when he got home. I also started drinking with him more towards the end when the children were gone-if you can't beat then join them...but the truth is I hated to feel hung over the next day and always had too much going on to lose a day to alcohol. I also realize I did not like losing control.
It was also a problem when I had vodka in the house for a special occasion or just for me. I would usually end up with one serving and the rest would disappear.
Now that my AH is no longer at home, I can keep a good beer 6 pack (he always drank the cheapest canned stuff that I did not like) in the fridge and it will last a couple of weeks. A bottle of wine is consumed over a weekend, not in one sitting. Vodka stays in the freezer for months-unless my son gets to it but he too has cut back his drinking and is respectful of what is "mine".
I really have had to examine my thoughts and attitudes about drinking. I will not give my children or friends who "party hardy" alcohol for a present. I might bring a bottle of wine for a gathering/ dinner.
I do enjoy going to happy hour with co workers and friends. I do enjoy a few beers at a party. But if my AH and I were ever to have a meal together again I think I would refrain from having any alcohol in front of him. Or perhaps even keep it in the house. I don't know how I would feel about that or if I will be resentful.
Although it bothers me when I am told not to drink on meds and have a distrust of people who say "I don't drink" I know that I could go for a long time without feeling the need to have one.

wanttobehealthy

Toward the end of my time under the same roof with AH, I felt guilty drinking (even though he had alcohol in open sight and didn't hide his drinking), he would judge my behavior if I drank (tell me that half a glass of wine made me act irrationally and clearly was projecting but it worked and I felt ashamed)... Now that he's gone, I still feel guilty/shameful drinking even a glass of wine and it's something I need to deal with bc it's insane. I like the taste of a glass of wine with dinner, I don't drink a lot by any stretch and *shocker to AH* I don't ever drink with the desire or goal to get buzzed or drunk (his response for years was "well then what;s the point?")... So, I do drink, I enjoy the taste of wine now and then but I have a lot of hangups about it still due to years of verbal and emotional abuse by AH who was consumed with projecting his issues on to me and it definitely did some lasting damage.

m1k3

Jane, thank you for starting this thread. It is really interesting. I believe this is the first time I have really set down and articulated my views on drinking, even to myself.

Your friend,

tabatha

Yes- thanks for the thread topic. I didn't drink around my XABF but I always felt guilty for some reason if I went out with friends and had a drink. I felt like I was being a hypocrite about thinking he should stop and there I was having a drink. Now I seem to be hyper aware of all the other people out there who do drink. Like I'm always thinking- "I wonder if they are alcoholics?" or "Geez- do they really need that second drink?" Being with an active and/or recovering A sure does change how you feel about alcohol. My XABF is now deceased and I still feel guilty about ordering a drink when or if I go out to dinner.

LucyA

I drink 'normally' I think. I don't have guilt about it anyway, for a while after my brother died I didn't go anywhere near alcohol, no socialising, no parties, no nights out just in case. That's not normal life, even if I don't want to drink it's legal, it's common and it's a normal part of life for people who don't have a problem ( or are close to someone with a problem) some people don't even think twice about alcohol, can you imagine that!

JUst because some people have a problem with alcohol, whatever that problem is, be it binge drinking or full blown alcoholism or anyhing in between doesnt mean the ones of us who enjoy a social drink sensibly should feel guilty. Alcohol in it's place is fine, when it's abused it becomes a problem.

nicam

I drink socially and always have. I enjoy wine, good beer, cocktails with friends. I don't really drink at home at all though, unless I'm entertaining. I never drink alone either. Not a conscious effort or anything, just not that into it. I certainly have my bender from time to time when friends are in town, or on special social occasions.

When I was with XABF I would drink in moderation with him while he would put 'em away. I swear I would intentionally drink more just so HE would have less to drink. I couldn't stand the acetone smell coming from his pores at night, so wanted to eliminate that a bit.