How to move on?

Old 01-14-2012, 10:31 PM
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How to move on?

First off, I am a new member to this forum. I actually came across it because I was on Google to search for help for separation advice. I am not sure where to even start or begin.

For some background information, I am 24 years old and a stay at home mom of two beautiful children. My son is 5 and my daughter almost 2. Currently we live in 29 Palms Ca due to my husband being in the Marine Corps. I grew up with an alcoholic/ addict father, he did have 12 years sobriety while I was young. My brother is also an addict, and has been in and out of recovery since he was 13.

What brings me here now is my AH. Long story short I am fed up with the drinking. I would consider him to be a "functioning alcoholic". He is in the military so holding his job is not what you would call "optional" necessarily. He always did very very well in the Marine Corps. However, during his last deployment this past year he got into trouble (alcohol related, go figure) and he lost rank, and they took 2 months half pay for the first offense. He got in trouble a second time and did not loose rank but again they took half of a months pay for 2 months and put him on restriction to the barraks for 45 days. He couldn't even come home for 2 weeks after they got back from deployment because he was still on restriction.

Anyways, without all of the background because I could go on forever! I had told him before he got home from deployment that if he chose to still drink I did not want him back home. Well, I did not stand by that boundary and I ended up letting him back home. Of course I got the whole "I'm sorry", "I wont drink like this anymore" blah blah blah. He is now drinking at least 18 beers every single night. He isn't violent or anything, just plain ******* stupid and annoying. This is not the kind of example I want for my children either. I saw enough of that when I was little and I just hate that they are experiencing it now too.

Tonight, I told him that I was serious and that if he chooses to keep alcohol as a part of his life then he can no longer live with us. He just kept going around in circles saying that he loved me but that we obviously cannot live together. He cannot bring himself to admit that the problem in our marriage is alcohol. I am devastated and terrified. I am just now back in school, I took years off so I could raise my children. I am pursuing nursing but it will be a few years until I am even finished. I have been a stay at home mom now for 5 years. He can find a place to stay with a friend for now, but eventually I really don't see him getting sober and us getting back together. I am sooooo not in a financial position to even move out or support my kids on my own. I mean I'm sure I can find a job but since I have no formal education/degree most jobs I would be able to get wouldn't even cover child care. I am so scared and I just don't know what to do. The only thing I do know at this point is that I will not keep living with my husband.

If there are any other moms who have been through something like this I would really appreciate some wisdom/advise. I am so worried that I wont be able to provide for my children.

Jill
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Old 01-14-2012, 10:48 PM
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Hello and welcome!

I don't have kids, but many here do, have been in your situation and will be able to help you through this.

I am sorry you are having to experience living with an active alcoholic.
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Old 01-14-2012, 10:55 PM
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Thank you. Sometimes I feel so mad at myself for being in this situation. This is the one thing, because of growing up around alcoholics and addicts, that I never wanted to have for my own family/children. It just hurts.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted by JillGorges87 View Post
Thank you. Sometimes I feel so mad at myself for being in this situation. This is the one thing, because of growing up around alcoholics and addicts, that I never wanted to have for my own family/children. It just hurts.
Well, the good news is, you don't have to have this for your children. You have options.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:34 PM
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Yes, and that's the realization I am at now. I guess the part that scares me is my lack of current options for living situation, work, day care, etc. I am trying to focus on that if I am proactive and work hard it will all work out.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:48 PM
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If I was in your shoes. I would go talk to the chaplin on base. They have alot of power to help you, way more than you think they do.

I would also believe, that your husband is suffering from ptsd's. The military has a very high case of it right now and is doing intense studies on it. He can get help for it and for his alcoholism. All he has to do is ask...It's free! You know that and so do I

I see 2 problems from the outside looking in...Ptsd's and alcoholism

And you cant fix either one of them...

Go talk to the chaplin Monday

I could give you the big spill on Alanon and trying to take care of you
but Im not going to..

Why? Because I personally deal with veterans that are in the same boat as your husband. It's the million dollar question I always ask: What was hatched first, the ptsd or the alcohol?...Only a question, they can answer...
I personally have family members, that have came home from war, and they have
changed and the drinking has increased. It's a national problem right now. Read and
educate yourself

His problem needs addressed with the military officials & medical officials
They can help him with ptsd's and the alcohol
War ptsd's....is not something to play with or try to guess.
It can be dangerous to his life and your's...

As a woman, a mom and a x-wife of a alcoholic.
I would say this...Do what is right for your children and you.

If it means you find a Alanon class to help you learn tools to take care of you, then do it.

If it means you kick him out of the house so the kids dont see it, then do it.

If it means you move home with your parents, then do it.

It means, you have to take care of YOU & YOUR CHILDREN!

It doesnt sound like he is mentally capable of taking care of himself, let alone
taking care of you and the kids...
And my x husband wasnt in the military, he is just an alcoholic that drinks everyday
and is not capable of taking care of himself. Thats how they roll...

Right now you are raising 2 beautiful children and 1 marine child....

Take care of the ones, that you gave birth too!

I tried for 16 years to get mine to stop drinking. I bitched, cried, screamed
and nothing worked. "I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL"...16 years later..I got it!

Mine is 50 years old and still drinking.....
We are divorced...I have peace & joy in my life. It's not been a bed of roses
but, I had to take care of me! It's not something I wanted, I wanted the
family, just like you do. But with an active alcoholic, it's impossible.

Remember, go talk to that chaplin....They offer substance/alcohol on base
and go talk to your family readiness officer. They can help you find a Alanon
class, Im sure they have them on base....

Your a Marine wife...That means, your tough, you can do it, YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!......do the right thing....Take care of you! Let the military, take care of him!
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:39 AM
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BobbyJ,

Thank you for advise. I do know of our chaplain and the resources on base. I am actually in counseling every week for myself and recently my husband and I started seeing someone as well.

I do know that he has suffered from PTSD from being in combat. He will not admit how much it really has had an effect on him thought. I also know that alcohol was the problem first. He was drinking a lot before he even joined the Marine Corps, he grew up with an alcoholic father as well and they would drink together.

If I had the power to make him go get help I would but I can't. He does have to see the SACCO (substance abuse counselor) because he had gotten in trouble for an alcohol related incident. However, he just lies whenever the questions are asked like how much do you drink? How often? His answer is always on occasion, a couple beers a day. It is so sad that he cannot admit it even to himself. He drinks every single night and I guess in his mind an 18 pack is a "couple of beers"

I just recently found the only Al Anon meeting in our city on Monday nights that I will be going to tomorrow.

Jill
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:41 PM
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Well, sounds like your on a good start.

You have admitted: that you knew he drank before he joined
*So maybe ask yourself, why did you marry him then?

He has SACCO, that is great. But it seems that if they can maintain their
jobs. That's enough to stay enlisted. Sad, but thats what I have seen.

Im glad you found a Alanon class. It is valuable tools for you to use. The first
time going, you might be a bit shy, but keep going, it will change your world!

No one call tell you how to move on and when to move on, wish it was that easy.
When your done with it all, you will know it and you will move on..

Living with someone that is drinking like a fish, causes so much pain and unhappiness
When you are ready to live, smile, and love. (Without a drunk)..You will know what to do and when....

Ptsd's...is another one, that they never want to admit they have....

Im so sorry your going thru this...it's like a double whammy for you!

What about taking a break at your mom's house? Maybe that would be
good for you?
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:09 PM
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Yes, any start is a good start I guess.

Well, to answer that question honestly, we got married very fast. We were only together 2 1/2 months (probably not such a great idea). We did not live together before we were married and in that short time I honestly did not see the extent of his drinking. Within 3 months after we were married he was deployed. During the 3 months he was home he did do a lot of training and was gone a lot, but still was not drinking like he does today. It got horrible after he came home from deployment.

I know what you mean about them being able to "maintain their jobs". In his situation he wont be allowed to re enlist after this contract is over. Since he was demoted to LCPL, and he has already been in a little over 6 years. You have to be able to pick up Sgt rank by 8 years or you are forced out. There is no way in less than 2 years he will be able to pick up Sgt, he cant even pick up Cpl until at least 6 months from now.

I am happy I will be going to Al anon. I actually used to go when I was younger to Alateen. I have also been to soooo many AA meetings with my father growing up and my little brother so they shyness isnt really an issue for me : ) Besides I am a people person, it is what I do best.

I have been debating today whether or not to call my mom. I have always struggled with asking for help from my parents especially. I feel so ashamed of my situation even though I know that I shouldnt and my mom would never judge my situation. After all, she lived it for 15 years with my dad. I just cant seem to bring myself to call her yet. I really need to figure out a way to get passed that.
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:34 PM
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When you get "honest" with yourself....You will call your mom!

We all tend to hide and live in denial, thinking & wishing, it would just go away

Maybe calling your mom, is just what you need.

So glad your going to a class tomorrow! That makes me smile!

*A people person? That is nice...But a active alcoholic is not nice for you or your kids.
Plain and simple *LOL* I said that in a "mom" tone of voice...
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Old 01-15-2012, 10:19 PM
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Jill, welcome to you, so glad you are here.

Since you grew up with an alcoholic, please check out the ACOA forum, especially the stickies at the top.

Also there is and ACOA website, this is an organization that grew out of ala-teens who grew up and needed a place where they fit because al-anon di not do it for them.

I am currently reading their handbook, "The Big red Book" and have found many of the things they cover really apply to me as I, like you grew up in an alcoholic home.

Please stay in touch, you are now part of our family, we want to know how you are doing, if you just want to, vent, or talk, need a hug or some propping up, you can count on me.

Best of luck,

Bill
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Old 01-16-2012, 01:16 AM
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So I talked to my mom! It went well and of course she said I can go to her house any time I need to. I knew that was most likely the answer, I was just scared to put it all out there. I also talked to my brother who is newly back in recovery and got some helpful insight and wisdom from him too.

And thank you Bill! Very helpful info that I will check out. I need every resource I can get right now.
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Old 01-16-2012, 06:16 PM
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Well guys I did it! He decided to drink in the house today and I am now at my moms. He was sobbing and begging for me not to leave. It was so sad to see him like that, but it was not hard to leave at all. I knew I was doing the right thing and I feel really good about it.
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Old 01-16-2012, 08:21 PM
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Good for you, thank you for maintaining your boundary, I am so very proud of you!
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Old 01-16-2012, 08:31 PM
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Hi,

I am feeling for you right now. I'm also an ACOA and had to make some tough choices recently to protect my little family.

You're giving your young children an awesome gift right now as you figure out your path. Give yourself some time to think things through to doing The Next Right Thing.
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Old 01-16-2012, 11:57 PM
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Thank you to all of you who have posted! I really don't think I would have been as strong if I didn't have all of the support on this forum!
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Old 01-17-2012, 05:53 AM
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I too grew up in it and could not tolerate it anymore. Try Alanon. I am glad you stuck to your boundaries. It is a bad disease. My therapist who also saw my husband and I said to tell him he had to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days before I would come home. Good luck.
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Old 01-17-2012, 08:01 AM
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OMG..I am so proud of you!!!

Sometimes, we have to walk away for US.....

When you stand in the middle of a "pile of ****" you dont realize how bad you smell
until you walk away from it

When they are actively drinking and in denial of being an alcoholic, it's pointless

When we get out of our "denial"...of thinking we can, or it will, or what if's
we begin to change. We begin to starve for recovery. We begin to smell
ourselves and realize we dont like smelling like a pig farmer anymore...

Your going to have challenges, but hold your boundary's for YOU & YOUR KIDS!
That's what "normies" do for themselves and for their kids!!

How was your alalon class? Did you go?

Who knows...Maybe this is what he needed too!
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:42 PM
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Thank you BobbyJ!!!!! I am proud of myself too!

I did not end up going to the meeting because I live 2 hours away from where my mom does and I came out here, of course. However, my mom and I plan to go to a meeting tomorrow.

I decided I was not ready to go back home today so I stayed another night at my moms. However, tomorrow I have to go back, this is because my son is in school and I cannot just pull him out forever. It isn't fair for us to have to leave the house all the time because my husband wants to drink.

Here is where we are both at today:
1) He still maintains he does not have a problem...I can totally tell he is fighting the admittance soooo hard!

2)He apparently talked to a friend at work and asked if he could have a place to stay if he needed to. This is because he has no plans to stop drinking and he does realize that I need to be home with our kids because my son is in school

3) He is angry that I have "exposed" him. Hmmmm well, if there wasn't a problem in the first place then why are you feeling so "exposed and angry?'

4)He hates hurting me so he thinks its better that he just leaves maybe. As a "normie" wouldn't you just get rid of the thing that is hurting the other person? not walk away?

I am still maintaining my boundaries with him, and the only thing I can say to him now is that his actions are why he is where he is tonight, that I love him but I will not accept unacceptable behavior, and that he needs help! My parents and I are strongly considering an intervention for him. It would be myself, my mom and step dad, and my sister. I would like to have a mediator to keep things from getting out of control so I am going to call our Chaplain tomorrow to see if this is something he could help us with.

I am also looking into all of the things I need to do to set myself up to leave. Right now I have no financial means of supporting myself and the kids, I am 100% dependent on him for money. I also have SUPER bad credit with an eviction (long story but has to do with my addict father, go figure right? lol) so I have no chance of getting an apartment. But I am going to talk to an attorney about the pros and cons of filing for bankruptcy. I owe over 10,000 in debt so this may be a good option for me considering my circumstances of needing to get the hell away.

I am living my life the way I want to from now on. I have to be responsible for my happiness and the happiness and safety of my kids.
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
I too grew up in it and could not tolerate it anymore. Try Alanon. I am glad you stuck to your boundaries. It is a bad disease. My therapist who also saw my husband and I said to tell him he had to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days before I would come home. Good luck.
A very very good friend of mine (who was actually in recovery with my father, he himself is a recovering alcoholic of 5 years woo hoo!) suggested the same thing to me. If it were him he said he would ask his spouse to show him 90 days. This is something I am still leaving in consideration but it won't do any good now since my husband clearly does not want help at this point.
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