choublak

Can someone here please explain the reason behind buying their A loved one alcohol? I was at an al-anon meeting and there were quite a few women who buy beer etc. for their AH's. That baffles me. Don't they know that they are just making it worse?

I'm don't mean to sound judgemental; I genuinely don't understand.

nicam

You know, sometimes I think it's just easier to pacify them. To keep the peace rather than get into an argument over it. Yes, it exacerbates the problem in the long run, but for that moment these women are able to avoid a confrontation. Been there, done that.

Peace is so rare that sometimes we just don't want to rock the boat. Although, what we really should do is get to shore before the impending tidal wave takes us out.

choublak

Ah, okay. I just got through reading Under the Influence, it goes into detail about what alcohol does to the body, so when someone talks about buying beer for their alcoholic spouse, in my head I'm thinking, "what?! why?!"

GoatGirl

I've done it in the past, in fact I did it this week but am now trying not to.

Why did I do it?

Well firstly I didn't know that what I was doing was enabling him, He suffers from terrible withdrawals, life-threatening ones in fact. I've taken him to hospital with seizures enough times to know the outcome if he goes cold turkeySo I know that it's actually safer for him to drink, rather than stop and if he's not in a state to go buy for himself then I felt I had little choice.

Why I'm not now.

Thanks to SR, I'm learning, and trying, not to enable.

He relapsed again this week, his usual tipple is vodka, and he'll down a fifth straight off. He's trying to cut back, has switched on to lager and is drinking little and often throughout the day while we try sort out a detox and rehab stint. However he's enough with it to sort himself out, he's got up this morning and yesterday morning to go buy a four pack. I have to go to work tomorrow and he'll be at home. Perhaps last week I would've made sure he had beer in so he didn't need to go out. This week, I'm, letting go.

Threshold

CoD thinking and behavior is very similar to addict thinking and behavior. The denial and lies addicts tell themselves, CoD's, if not in recovery, tell themselves as well.

This time it's going to be different.
This time I can handle it, they can handle it
I want them to know I love and support them
I can't deal with the result of them NOT drinking

In these relationships, when things get tough, people resort to feeding the addiction, hoping THAT is going to make things better.

In CoD relationships, two people are under the influence of the crazy addict voice, and they are both desperate to shut it up using any means possible.

When person stops enabling, stops making excuses for, and stops supplying, they are by definition, no longer a CoD. Those people are still buying their loved one's booze, because they themselves are still under the influence.

worried72

I did it lots. Sometimes to pacify, sometimes under the false notion it would keep the drinking and driving under control. It did nothing positive for either of us.

L.

tabatha

I did it a few times due to the severe withdrawals that started if he didn't drink. His alcoholism had progressed to the point of withdrawal if he didn't maintain a certain level at all times. I couldn't bear the thought of him driving to the liquor store and possibly killing someone on the way. Enabling? Not sure, but it did keep him from possibly dying from WD and harming another person until he got into detox.

Hopeless4now

I do it sometimes to keep him safe. He'll walk to gas stations drunk and we live in a very unsafe neighborhood. He'll drive drunk.
Sometimes I have done it for pure selfish reasons. Meaning if I didn't there would be a fight and I'd lecture and explain and cry and in the end he is still going to find a way I am just going to be worse off and exhausted. I also sometimes think if he gets he'll pass out and I can be free for a short time.

fedup3

I still love my XAH but I came to the end of enabling him where I had to divorce him for liability sake, you see I refused to buy him alcohol but it wouldn't have made a difference he still would have driven drunk. I even called the police giving them the description of the car because the thought of him killing an innocent person was beyond what I could stand. I guess I just got to the point that his decisions where his decisions, I could not be his caregiver anymore.

Justfor1

The alcohol withdrawal can sometimes become a medical emergency. Especially, if they have had DT's in the past. It's probably a better idea to take them to the hospital so they don't die. Not sure if this would be enabling though. It's ironic that although alcohol is legal it probably does more physical damage to the body than the typical illegal drugs.

MsPINKAcres

In the beginning ~ I didn't KNOW I could say NO
then as time went on I didn't have the strength or courage to say NO
and when it was at it's worse -
I was too scared to say NO

I finally got into recovery for myself and to be able to say NO ~ I had to walk away ~

Now I've learned to say NO to my adult children

My mind tells me that NO is a complete sentence but put in a confrontational situation - it takes every ounce of my recovery to not give in just to avoid the fight!

just my e, s, & h

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Cyranoak

It's enabling and protecting people from the consequences of their decisions. It is very hard for some people to stop doing it, impossible for others.

They will, eventually, reap what they are sowing.

Regardless, it's theirs not mine and thank God for that.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

choublak

Where I live, if someone goes to the hospital for a seizure brought on by alcohol withdrawal, they lose their drivers license for six months.

wanttobehealthy

I did not ever do this for my AH but I imagine that the reasoning would be the similar to why we walk on eggshells, avoid the elephant in the room and keep quiet thinking that;s the only way to have peace.

It seems like the better of 2 bad options and maybe it's thought that it is a way to control how much the A will drink and is a codie way of trying to control the drinking?

I don't know. It;s something my MIL does for my AH (or did I should say, I fortunately don;t know and don't care to know what she is or is not doing for him anymore).

I always thought of it as enabling.

straykatz

where do you live? That makes no sense at all if they werent driving?

choublak

PA, between NYC and Philadelphia. Someone from RABF's addiction class shared that with them, so I really don't know all that much about it. I guess the idea is if someone is drinking to the point of having seizures if they stop, they shouldn't be driving anytime in the near future anyway...

sojourner

Choublak: What I've found in my years of going to Alanon is that some folks do not get it. Some folks interpret Alanon 12-step recovery in a way that gives them permission to do whatever with the addict - including purchasing their drug of choice. I've seen people be members of Alanon for decades and be that way the whole time.

Other folks in Alanon are like me, on a journey. We do things for and to the addict temporarily, knowing it is not the best way to handle things but working on the bigger issues that we see that need to be addressed. Perhaps in another year or two those people you wrote about will have moved into a time when they no longer buy their addicts those drugs of choice.

Keep going back to your meetings. There is a saying there, "Take what you need and leave the rest." Listen for the people who are in the same mind-set as you. Perhaps trying different meetings would help as there might be more people there whom you would want to emulate. Your recovery is worth the effort!

skippernlilg

Once I realized the problem, I would not buy it for him. I remember he would ask me to, and I'd say, "No, that is not something I can do for you." And that was it. He stopped asking.

Justfor1

CHoublak, there is no way the state could prove the driver had a seizure from alcohol unless they admitted it. Which for sly alcoholics would never happen.

wanttobehealthy

Maybe if the seizure occurred while driving & was brought on bc of alcohol which could be measures by a breathalyzer then in that case the license is lost even if it's not a full on DUI?