Sitting on my hands, crying my hear out
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Sitting on my hands, crying my hear out
My ABF relapsed about six weeks ago, and has tanked very badly, very quickly. Now he doesn't even speak to me. We didn't break up, he is just so given over to addiction that nothing else matters.
Wow, this hurts. I see him at work, so it's sort of in my face, plus dealing with the questions of coworkers who have known us so long as a couple.
I no longer attempt to contact him. It's pointless. I need to move on with my own recovery, and let him find his place.
But I have to sit on my hands to keep from calling, emailing, etc. I have to keep busy with positive things, I have to fill the hole left behind when our relationship disintegrated.
I have to go through, all over again, what I went through when I got clean from using. At least I have some practice in doing so, and the experience of knowing that if I stay the course things WILL get better, and easier.
I feel pretty lonely right now. It's sort of like when your partner leaves you for someone else, it's more insulting if they leave you for someone you feel is inferior. Like if you get left for someone hot, smart, fun...it makes some sort of sense. Being left for booze sure feels like a big old slap. I KNOW it's not about that, but I find it a constant challenge to not take his addiction personally.
Wow, this hurts. I see him at work, so it's sort of in my face, plus dealing with the questions of coworkers who have known us so long as a couple.
I no longer attempt to contact him. It's pointless. I need to move on with my own recovery, and let him find his place.
But I have to sit on my hands to keep from calling, emailing, etc. I have to keep busy with positive things, I have to fill the hole left behind when our relationship disintegrated.
I have to go through, all over again, what I went through when I got clean from using. At least I have some practice in doing so, and the experience of knowing that if I stay the course things WILL get better, and easier.
I feel pretty lonely right now. It's sort of like when your partner leaves you for someone else, it's more insulting if they leave you for someone you feel is inferior. Like if you get left for someone hot, smart, fun...it makes some sort of sense. Being left for booze sure feels like a big old slap. I KNOW it's not about that, but I find it a constant challenge to not take his addiction personally.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 9
I am so sorry to hear that. I have often felt very similar feelings - having to sit on my hands not to call or email, etc. I am new to this path, but can still relate to the way you feel and the pain and anguish it causes. Stay strong!
(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))
(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Threshold
Sorry to hear what your are going through, its not nice at all. I remember the pain & sadness I went through watching someone I loved destroy themselves everyday with alcohol. It was unbearable.
One thing I had to do for myself was to separate two things in my mind.
I love this person but for my own sanity I cant join in the ride.
Maybe one day this person can be brave enough to get off that ride and join me again on earth.
Its so hard when our emotions take over but sometimes we just have to stop trying to believe we can fix it and be stronger to move aside and let them make that decision themselves.
Im sure he loves you dearly but right now hasnt the ability to show you properly.
Much respect JJ
Sorry to hear what your are going through, its not nice at all. I remember the pain & sadness I went through watching someone I loved destroy themselves everyday with alcohol. It was unbearable.
One thing I had to do for myself was to separate two things in my mind.
I love this person but for my own sanity I cant join in the ride.
Maybe one day this person can be brave enough to get off that ride and join me again on earth.
Its so hard when our emotions take over but sometimes we just have to stop trying to believe we can fix it and be stronger to move aside and let them make that decision themselves.
Im sure he loves you dearly but right now hasnt the ability to show you properly.
Much respect JJ
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Threshold,
I'm so sorry for the pain you are enduring and that you have to witness his decline every day. I hope that he will eventually begin making better decisions for his life.
You are right, though.......with time it does and will get better.
HG
I'm so sorry for the pain you are enduring and that you have to witness his decline every day. I hope that he will eventually begin making better decisions for his life.
You are right, though.......with time it does and will get better.
HG
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by justjo 
Im sure he loves you dearly but right now hasnt the ability to show you properly.
Much respect JJ
Much respect JJ
Is that I suspect it is true that he "loves" me, as in has strong feelings of attachment for me. Our last few times together, he told me so. And I truly believe it wasn't him trying to tell me what I want to hear, though it may have been him telling himself what he hoped was true.
A few weeks ago we went on a weekend trip together. We had such a nice time. He was reminded he could have fun sober, and how much he enjoyed being with me. He felt hopeful. That was the last time we were together. Then he completely shut me out.
The moment of clarity was JUST a moment, then back into the darkness. He actually asked me to come over to watch a movie, but a few hours later was passed out drunk, and we've not been together. I realize he is incapable of loving me as a verb. It is just a feeling he holds in his heart, but alcohol prevents him from acting on it.
It's like a glass wall, but now the glass is darkening. I can barely even recognize him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Threshold
...I realize he is incapable of loving me as a verb. It is just a feeling he holds in his heart, but alcohol prevents him from acting on it.
It's like a glass wall, but now the glass is darkening. I can barely even recognize him.
It's like a glass wall, but now the glass is darkening. I can barely even recognize him.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Threshold,
Welcome, glad you are here, it hurts so bad for a while but it gets better, after many years of pain and heartbreak I met the most wonderful woman, we have been together almost 15 years now, no screaming, no physical abuse, no passing out drunk, it is such a joy to have that now, I hope that you find someone just as wonderful someday.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Welcome, glad you are here, it hurts so bad for a while but it gets better, after many years of pain and heartbreak I met the most wonderful woman, we have been together almost 15 years now, no screaming, no physical abuse, no passing out drunk, it is such a joy to have that now, I hope that you find someone just as wonderful someday.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
You have articulated how I've felt in my relationship, too.
I know in those moments when I've wanted to call, to reach out...something, I've had some good friends 'stand in' for me and who are there if I need to talk to someone.
I hope you find some good, positive activities and people to get you going on a more positive path.
I know in those moments when I've wanted to call, to reach out...something, I've had some good friends 'stand in' for me and who are there if I need to talk to someone.
I hope you find some good, positive activities and people to get you going on a more positive path.
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by skippernlilg
I hope you find some good, positive activities and people to get you going on a more positive path.
Ha ha, the creative mental energy that takes is a good distraction as well.
On the other hand, just like withdrawal from my substance addictions, there are times when I just need to lay back, ride the wave of pain and discomfort, and know that if I let it flow on, it'll be over that much faster.
I keep wanting to "check" on him.
it's a process...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I went through the same 3 years ago, besides booze XABF also got someone right away...
Keep the no contact!
It gets so much better, at this point I remember hurtful stuff and its just proof I took the right decision. I do not need selfish people and/or active addicts in my life. All I can do is manage my own issues, and look after my well being, heck perhaps even seek some joy and good times and peace for myself...
I also had to deal with all the common "friends" and they turned out to be HIS friends not mine. I found new friends and went no contact or had very limited contact with anyone who knew "us". It helped.
(((((((Hugs))))))
Keep the no contact!
It gets so much better, at this point I remember hurtful stuff and its just proof I took the right decision. I do not need selfish people and/or active addicts in my life. All I can do is manage my own issues, and look after my well being, heck perhaps even seek some joy and good times and peace for myself...
I also had to deal with all the common "friends" and they turned out to be HIS friends not mine. I found new friends and went no contact or had very limited contact with anyone who knew "us". It helped.
(((((((Hugs))))))
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
He called yesterday and said he's detoxing. I told him I was glad, but I am not over excited. Even he admits he's not so sure that he can stay sober.
He says he realizes he has to stay sober, so, that's a start. When he says he is going to stay sober AND has an action plan, maybe my ears will perk up.
I am a recovering addict, and it hurts a great deal that my husband wouldn't stick with me, try to work it out etc even after I was in recovery. So part of me, due to that experience, feels like I should be supportive and willing to work on the relationship if he is sober AND in recovery. But I might be kidding myself, it's hard for me to tell today, lots of thoughts and emotions running through my head.
The last thing he said to me was that he'd see me this afternoon.
This is his first chance to show if he means what he's saying. If I don't get a call...pffft.
I didn't say a word to him. This isn't an ultimatum or a test I set up, this is just him, keeping or not keeping his own plan and word. If he can't do that, he clearly isn't ready to do anything like commit to recovery.
I am not planning my day around him, or hanging over the phone, That is me showing commitment to MY recovery.
He says he realizes he has to stay sober, so, that's a start. When he says he is going to stay sober AND has an action plan, maybe my ears will perk up.
I am a recovering addict, and it hurts a great deal that my husband wouldn't stick with me, try to work it out etc even after I was in recovery. So part of me, due to that experience, feels like I should be supportive and willing to work on the relationship if he is sober AND in recovery. But I might be kidding myself, it's hard for me to tell today, lots of thoughts and emotions running through my head.
The last thing he said to me was that he'd see me this afternoon.
This is his first chance to show if he means what he's saying. If I don't get a call...pffft.
I didn't say a word to him. This isn't an ultimatum or a test I set up, this is just him, keeping or not keeping his own plan and word. If he can't do that, he clearly isn't ready to do anything like commit to recovery.
I am not planning my day around him, or hanging over the phone, That is me showing commitment to MY recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs to you.
I don't know if it was ever stickied, but someone posted a link to a medical study on how alcoholism affects the frontal lobe, where ability to do consequence analysis, make decisions, and have good judgment resides. Basically, alcoholism fries the frontal lobe (that's a medical term, by the way
).
To me, reading that study alleviated a lot of pain. It took away questions of "what if?" and lifted the guilt from me (I didn't fry his frontal lobe, alcoholism did) and also explained to me why a remarkably intelligent man could make such utterly boneheaded decisions: Because alcoholism had fried his ability to analyze a situation and make good choices.
I don't know if it helps any, but it did help me...
I don't know if it was ever stickied, but someone posted a link to a medical study on how alcoholism affects the frontal lobe, where ability to do consequence analysis, make decisions, and have good judgment resides. Basically, alcoholism fries the frontal lobe (that's a medical term, by the way
).To me, reading that study alleviated a lot of pain. It took away questions of "what if?" and lifted the guilt from me (I didn't fry his frontal lobe, alcoholism did) and also explained to me why a remarkably intelligent man could make such utterly boneheaded decisions: Because alcoholism had fried his ability to analyze a situation and make good choices.
I don't know if it helps any, but it did help me...
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Ugh, I am overwhelmed, not by ABF, but by some other issues in my life. Not sleeping well.
I have a huge challenge facing me and I feel defeated.
I feel like I need to do this myself, be strong...never able to tell when being strong means saying "I can't do this" and asking for assistance.
I feel like a recovery robot. Walking the walk, talking the talk, but it's just a program. I'm hollow, I'm scared and I really want to be part of something again, a relationship, a family, it would be nice if I could have my dog...whatever...but that isn't possible now. Or at least it seems impossible.
My BF..so far so good. I'm happy for him. But I feel like I'm just a seed rattling in a pod.
I have a huge challenge facing me and I feel defeated.
I feel like I need to do this myself, be strong...never able to tell when being strong means saying "I can't do this" and asking for assistance.
I feel like a recovery robot. Walking the walk, talking the talk, but it's just a program. I'm hollow, I'm scared and I really want to be part of something again, a relationship, a family, it would be nice if I could have my dog...whatever...but that isn't possible now. Or at least it seems impossible.
My BF..so far so good. I'm happy for him. But I feel like I'm just a seed rattling in a pod.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Threshold, you are part of a family, our family, I will be there for you an although I cannot speak for others the amount of comments you have received so far indicates that others here will be there for you also.
You need an ear, a shoulder, a hug, all you have to do is say so.
Big hugs to you, I will say a prayer for you tonight, please take care of yourself.
Bill
You need an ear, a shoulder, a hug, all you have to do is say so.
Big hugs to you, I will say a prayer for you tonight, please take care of yourself.
Bill
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