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need communication advice

Old 01-14-2012, 08:21 PM
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need communication advice

I'm now in the negotiation stage of my divorce. I have a lawyer and a counselor to navigate. Our case is simple, but he will be liable for some support. For the record, he desperately just wants to walk away, without any responsibility for anything at all. He is very actively drinking.

This week, I've learned he's fired his attorney (he sent me an email saying he "could no longer afford him".) From another friend I learned he just totaled his car, and replaced it with...a brand new one! He's so confused and crazy. He's calling my FRIENDS...asking them to "mediate" (translation: get me to agree to his point of view and just let him walk away) His version of any kind of reality is so very distorted.


This next week my attorney will attempt to talk with him directly to negotiate...or let him know what is going to happen/and what is next. I'm looking for suggestions of how to have this conversation. What is the best way to approach, or communicate with this seriously impacted brain? What are the do's and dont's? Any specific advice on how to best navigate a simple conversation would be much appreciated. Most lawyers have not spent the amount of time understanding this disease and its many pitfalls when some kind of common sense is being called forth.

Your ideas would be most appreciated. Thank you in advance.
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Old 01-14-2012, 08:39 PM
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I am in a similar situation, but mine simple refuses to negotiate (he still has a lawyer). Long story short, we have a trial date and if there is not settlement before hand, the judge will decide. If they are incapable of communicating, then the option is taken out of their hands.
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Old 01-15-2012, 01:42 AM
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My A did not get an attorney during our divorce process.

My attorney wanted to speak with him and let him know what we were asking the courts to award. He wanted to let him know it was a fair, equitable seperation and see if he felt the A wanted to seek counsel.

My role was to let my A know about the desire to be contacted by my attorney.

I kept it brief. Told him the name, number and address of my attorney. Told him the attorney just wanted to let him know what was being requested in the settlement and determine if my A wanted his own representation for the proceeding.

I also gave the attorney the contact information for my ex.

My attorney called him while I was sitting in the room.

I believe my A did make an appointment and sat down with my attorney. Once my attorney was sure there would not be another lawyer in the case, we proceeded with our court date.

It just seemed more of a fishing for details from the ex, and to be sure we would not be blind-sided at the divorce hearing by an attorney representing the ex.

Neither myself or my AXH were present at the final hearing.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:00 AM
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My experience is that when an A is faced with anything of a legal nature, they crumble like an old stale cookie.

I would just tell him the wheres and whens and leave it up to your attorney. Your attorney probably has dealt with most every type of character and attorneys know how to get their point across and negotiate in your best interest.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:06 AM
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thanks for your comments. The only other advice I got was to (of course) not argue, and also make sure the A is not drunk when this conversation takes place. No guarantees on that...but perhaps the call earlier in the day may help the odds.

Thank you again for your thoughts
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Old 01-15-2012, 07:03 AM
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Similar to Pelican my ex did not have representation. We just hired one lawyer and I was represented.

I wish I had left the contact up to the attorney at every junction...even if it cost us more financially. The emotional stuff escalated when I made the contact and it gave him a chance to make some cheap shots against me (excusing me of dragging my feet, playing games etc). Of note the divorce only took us four months so my contact just created more confusion.
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Old 01-15-2012, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Similar to Pelican my ex did not have representation. We just hired one lawyer and I was represented.

I wish I had left the contact up to the attorney at every junction...even if it cost us more financially. The emotional stuff escalated when I made the contact and it gave him a chance to make some cheap shots against me (excusing me of dragging my feet, playing games etc). Of note the divorce only took us four months so my contact just created more confusion.
This is a VERY good piece of advice. It's not easy...but I've taken up this position as well. No matter how many attempts he has made to draw me into the discussion, I don't respond in any way to his emails, ect. (which prompted him to start calling my friends)

There is no conversation at all that could happen between the two of us that would not make much worse getting to the end of this. Wise advice, thank you LifeRecovery
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