Should I encourage a reconcilliation or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Should I encourage a reconcilliation or not?
Hi, I have been a lurker on and off for years. My husband and I are 40yrs old this year and married 20yrs next June.We have teenagers 13 and 17.
My husband recently quit drinking after he hit his rock bottom at the beginning of November. The details aren't important but you don't get any closer then he did and come out alive. It's a shame it took something so utterly earth shattering for him to realize the error of his ways and as angry at him as I still am about it I AM glad it happened because now he can begin to heal. We all can.
He did go to the doctor on my insistence and was prescribed an anti-anxiety drug and an antidepressant. He took the anti anxiety pills only a few times during the first few days of sobriety and then threw them out. He takes his non-narcotic antidepressant faithfully every morning. He complained that it gives him a weird taste in his mouth but other then that there have been no side effects. I was worried his personality would be different or he would seem drugged but it's not like that at all.
He is not attending any kind of meetings or seeing any kind of counselor. I told him I think he needs more then help then just his desire to quit. He said he has it set in his head that he is done and that's that.
He slipped once between Xmas and New Years. He felt so bad about it he was both physically as well and emotionally ill about it. He talked honestly to me about it. He said it was not worth it and he apologized. I reminded him that I will NOT go back to the way things were. Alcohol took him to a very dark place that damn near cost him (and all of us that love him) his life... I refuse to ever go back to living/existing the way were before he stopped drinking.
We drank together as teenagers. We partied together as young adults. We had our first child when we were 22 and we grew up.. we still drank , but it was much more responsible drinking. I was pregnant in our mid 20s with our second child when he started to self medicate. During my first pregnancy he had stopped drinking right along with me, he was a full on supportive "pregnant" husband. I loved him so much for that!.. He wasn't that person for my second go. We had a falling out with his parents and he turned to the bottle to "deal" with the pain of it... I remember calling him out on it and him saying ," Do you think I like having to drink to be happy?!?!" It was horrible, I would sleep backwards on our bed so I didn't have to breathe his booze breath into my overly sensitive preggo nose. I cried a lot. Between him being drunk all the time and his mom being a harpy bitch they ruined that pregnancy for me. ( yep still resenting that) Eventually near the end of my pregnancy their was a truce and his drinking calmed down.
Over the past 14years since that things got slowly worse.. in fits and starts. It wasn't all bad times.. he would know he was starting to drink too much and he'd dial it back. He'd do the not drink for a few days thing to prove he could kinda things. The last 3 years were the worst... really bad. I don't need to go into details, everyone here knows what I mean.I was so , so , so very sad to know booze came first and as part of every single activity. Our marriage was crumbling, I didn't want to be around him let alone sleep in the same bed.
Now... my reason for posting...
One year ago We had another HUGE falling out with his parents. His mother is very unstable. She is physically,mentally,emotionally and spiritually ill. She is also an alcoholic. Again I don't think details are necissary, suffice it to say at 39yrs old my Hubby finally stood up to his parents and told them just exactly how wrong they were in some things they said and did concerning us and one of our children. They didn't agree..unbelievably crazy sh!tstorm ensued ..so crazy you wouldn't even believe it if I did type it all out! Of course this fight that went on for 3 months was always 3 drunk people screaming at each other. ( by this point I had already disengaged from my toxic in-laws, I'm DONE!) It was total chaos. It was just exactly as productive as you would expect such a scenario to be.
Here it is, one year later, there is little to no communication between my husband and his family. There is absolutely no contact between them and I.
My concern is now that my husband is sober(white knuckling to boot) and is having to actually feel his feelings, that it may be overwhelming for him. I know his heart is broken by the state of affairs between us and his parents.I don't know if it would be better for me to encourage him to try and reconcile or if it's better for me to encourage him to avoid the insanity.
I would ultimately like him to first get therapy for himself and once he was well on the road to his own emotional health , then maybe work on family counselling with his parents. I don't think he will be receptive to this. He was raised to keep family problems in the family ... yeah 'cause THAT has worked out so well so far for them!!!
It would be great to hear from other people who have ever had to deal with anything similar to this kind of family situation or just anyone who had some words of wisdom for me/us.
If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through my troubles.
My husband recently quit drinking after he hit his rock bottom at the beginning of November. The details aren't important but you don't get any closer then he did and come out alive. It's a shame it took something so utterly earth shattering for him to realize the error of his ways and as angry at him as I still am about it I AM glad it happened because now he can begin to heal. We all can.
He did go to the doctor on my insistence and was prescribed an anti-anxiety drug and an antidepressant. He took the anti anxiety pills only a few times during the first few days of sobriety and then threw them out. He takes his non-narcotic antidepressant faithfully every morning. He complained that it gives him a weird taste in his mouth but other then that there have been no side effects. I was worried his personality would be different or he would seem drugged but it's not like that at all.
He is not attending any kind of meetings or seeing any kind of counselor. I told him I think he needs more then help then just his desire to quit. He said he has it set in his head that he is done and that's that.
He slipped once between Xmas and New Years. He felt so bad about it he was both physically as well and emotionally ill about it. He talked honestly to me about it. He said it was not worth it and he apologized. I reminded him that I will NOT go back to the way things were. Alcohol took him to a very dark place that damn near cost him (and all of us that love him) his life... I refuse to ever go back to living/existing the way were before he stopped drinking.
We drank together as teenagers. We partied together as young adults. We had our first child when we were 22 and we grew up.. we still drank , but it was much more responsible drinking. I was pregnant in our mid 20s with our second child when he started to self medicate. During my first pregnancy he had stopped drinking right along with me, he was a full on supportive "pregnant" husband. I loved him so much for that!.. He wasn't that person for my second go. We had a falling out with his parents and he turned to the bottle to "deal" with the pain of it... I remember calling him out on it and him saying ," Do you think I like having to drink to be happy?!?!" It was horrible, I would sleep backwards on our bed so I didn't have to breathe his booze breath into my overly sensitive preggo nose. I cried a lot. Between him being drunk all the time and his mom being a harpy bitch they ruined that pregnancy for me. ( yep still resenting that) Eventually near the end of my pregnancy their was a truce and his drinking calmed down.
Over the past 14years since that things got slowly worse.. in fits and starts. It wasn't all bad times.. he would know he was starting to drink too much and he'd dial it back. He'd do the not drink for a few days thing to prove he could kinda things. The last 3 years were the worst... really bad. I don't need to go into details, everyone here knows what I mean.I was so , so , so very sad to know booze came first and as part of every single activity. Our marriage was crumbling, I didn't want to be around him let alone sleep in the same bed.
Now... my reason for posting...
One year ago We had another HUGE falling out with his parents. His mother is very unstable. She is physically,mentally,emotionally and spiritually ill. She is also an alcoholic. Again I don't think details are necissary, suffice it to say at 39yrs old my Hubby finally stood up to his parents and told them just exactly how wrong they were in some things they said and did concerning us and one of our children. They didn't agree..unbelievably crazy sh!tstorm ensued ..so crazy you wouldn't even believe it if I did type it all out! Of course this fight that went on for 3 months was always 3 drunk people screaming at each other. ( by this point I had already disengaged from my toxic in-laws, I'm DONE!) It was total chaos. It was just exactly as productive as you would expect such a scenario to be.
Here it is, one year later, there is little to no communication between my husband and his family. There is absolutely no contact between them and I.
My concern is now that my husband is sober(white knuckling to boot) and is having to actually feel his feelings, that it may be overwhelming for him. I know his heart is broken by the state of affairs between us and his parents.I don't know if it would be better for me to encourage him to try and reconcile or if it's better for me to encourage him to avoid the insanity.
I would ultimately like him to first get therapy for himself and once he was well on the road to his own emotional health , then maybe work on family counselling with his parents. I don't think he will be receptive to this. He was raised to keep family problems in the family ... yeah 'cause THAT has worked out so well so far for them!!!
It would be great to hear from other people who have ever had to deal with anything similar to this kind of family situation or just anyone who had some words of wisdom for me/us.
If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through my troubles.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
Hello, Mighty,
It's quite a merry-go-round.
What I hear is that your desire to help your husband may be crossing the boundary of allowing him the integrity to help himself. Ultimately, the decision is his as to whether he tries to reconcile or avoids the situation. One thing you might want to think of is to give him the space to figure it out without attempting to get him to go down one path or the other. You can still be supportive and loving of him while backing off. JMO. Best to you!
It's quite a merry-go-round.
What I hear is that your desire to help your husband may be crossing the boundary of allowing him the integrity to help himself. Ultimately, the decision is his as to whether he tries to reconcile or avoids the situation. One thing you might want to think of is to give him the space to figure it out without attempting to get him to go down one path or the other. You can still be supportive and loving of him while backing off. JMO. Best to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
First things first. He should put all his focus on staying sober for the time being. It sounds like his family is will add a lot of stress, so I'd put that off indefinitely. In AA the advice is to avoid "people, places and things" that can trigger a relapse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome small but mighty, so glad you are here.
I agree with NYC, there is nothing to be gained by trying to get straight and deal with the drama of his parents, I am afraid that a blowup could send him right back to drinking again.
Counseling was a huge help to me, my parents were dead set against the airing of our "dirty laundry' to a stranger, of course the dirty laundry was verbal, physical, and sexual abuse so I could see why the didn't want that out there.
Please consider al-anon and counseling for yourself, if he won't go with you to counseling that's up to him.
Best of luck to both of you,
Bill
I agree with NYC, there is nothing to be gained by trying to get straight and deal with the drama of his parents, I am afraid that a blowup could send him right back to drinking again.
Counseling was a huge help to me, my parents were dead set against the airing of our "dirty laundry' to a stranger, of course the dirty laundry was verbal, physical, and sexual abuse so I could see why the didn't want that out there.
Please consider al-anon and counseling for yourself, if he won't go with you to counseling that's up to him.
Best of luck to both of you,
Bill
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some excellent reading is found in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this forum page. Some of our stories are posted there as well.
I am glad you are able to see signs of improvement in your husband. I hope he continues to embrace his sober life.
Remember what it was like trying to have reasonable, sane conversations with him when he was active in his drinking? If he was like my alcoholic, there was lots of denial, justifications and blame-shifting.
I imagine that is what it would be like trying to have a reasonable, sane conversation with his parents - since alcohol is involved on their side.
It is impossible to have reasonable, sane conversations while addicts are active in their addiction. We have a saying that fits the situation:
"It's like going to the hardware store for fresh baked bread"
I hope you stick around and keep working on you and your recovery from living with active alcoholism! You are worth the effort!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some excellent reading is found in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this forum page. Some of our stories are posted there as well.
I am glad you are able to see signs of improvement in your husband. I hope he continues to embrace his sober life.
Remember what it was like trying to have reasonable, sane conversations with him when he was active in his drinking? If he was like my alcoholic, there was lots of denial, justifications and blame-shifting.
I imagine that is what it would be like trying to have a reasonable, sane conversation with his parents - since alcohol is involved on their side.
It is impossible to have reasonable, sane conversations while addicts are active in their addiction. We have a saying that fits the situation:
"It's like going to the hardware store for fresh baked bread"
I hope you stick around and keep working on you and your recovery from living with active alcoholism! You are worth the effort!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
My concern is now that my husband is sober(white knuckling to boot) and is having to actually feel his feelings, that it may be overwhelming for him. I know his heart is broken by the state of affairs between us and his parents.I don't know if it would be better for me to encourage him to try and reconcile or if it's better for me to encourage him to avoid the insanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Thank for all your responses. I wish I had started posting years ago when I first started lurking. Just reading was very helpful and I learned a LOT.
I did forget one main point in my first post, which is ridiculous because it is what triggered my whole decision to finally post and ask for advice.
A week or so ago my mother in law called here for the first time in 9months , she used her cell phone so I answered it not knowing it was her since the name didn't come up on call ID. I believe she was calling from work so she would have been sober.She asked for him, I put him on and she immediately asked him "Why do you hate us?"..of course he replied that he did not hate them..she ranted at him a bit more, he told her what he did hate was phone conversations that started out like this one and she hung up on him. The last time she called here in March2011 she had asked him the same thing and also ended up hanging up on him when she didn't hear the things she wanted him to say.
So I wasn't just asking out of the blue if after a year there should be reconciliation or not. There has been contact and it was not what I would call healthy but then again it came from a very unhealthy woman.
I agree that you can not reason with unreasonable people and my in laws are some of the most disfunctional , irrational people to ever walk this earth.
My husband did not talk about the call from his mom other then to tell me it was the "same old s*** and she hung up on me again" He went about his day with out becoming visibly moody or upset. I am sure it had to be ripping him up on the inside but he did not drink. He said a while ago that he refuses to let them manipulate how he feels about things anymore and that they will never have that power over him again. I think that is part of the reason he has been able to quit drinking.
His parents don't know he quit drinking, at least we haven't told them. They always used to make remarks abut how people that didn't drink were snooty or weird. My husband was 14years old when they started getting him drunk.And I don't mean giving him a beer on a fishing trip or a glass of wine for a holiday dinner... I mean crashing into the walls stumbling drunk. Hell I used to think they were pretty cool people when I was a teenager and we could go over and party with his mom and dad *SIGH*
He only has a couple months under his belt of not drinking, he quit during the first week in November 2011, but he slipped up between Xmas and new years so if we have to start counting over again its been 3weeks..
I am really his only support but he doesn't verbalize much of anything about his alcoholism to me. Our closest friends know he isn't drinking and support his decision but he doesn't talk about it with them either. My parents know and support him but again it is not discussed.He doesn't write a journal or blog. The only thing he does do is take his meds and tells himself he isn't going to drink anymore.
We live in a tiny, remote town, even if meetings were available he would not go. His job keeps him away from home 10days at a time in an even more secluded, remote area. Its a very physical job and I think the exercise is very important for him right now both physically and mentally.
I wish al-anon was an option for me. Its something I've been wishing for a few years now which is how I found SR in the first place. I was looking for online resources since that's really my only way of finding the support of like minded people due to my geographic location. Even though I haven't posted until now, SR has been very helpful to me.
Again, thanks all for your input.
I did forget one main point in my first post, which is ridiculous because it is what triggered my whole decision to finally post and ask for advice.
A week or so ago my mother in law called here for the first time in 9months , she used her cell phone so I answered it not knowing it was her since the name didn't come up on call ID. I believe she was calling from work so she would have been sober.She asked for him, I put him on and she immediately asked him "Why do you hate us?"..of course he replied that he did not hate them..she ranted at him a bit more, he told her what he did hate was phone conversations that started out like this one and she hung up on him. The last time she called here in March2011 she had asked him the same thing and also ended up hanging up on him when she didn't hear the things she wanted him to say.
So I wasn't just asking out of the blue if after a year there should be reconciliation or not. There has been contact and it was not what I would call healthy but then again it came from a very unhealthy woman.
I agree that you can not reason with unreasonable people and my in laws are some of the most disfunctional , irrational people to ever walk this earth.
My husband did not talk about the call from his mom other then to tell me it was the "same old s*** and she hung up on me again" He went about his day with out becoming visibly moody or upset. I am sure it had to be ripping him up on the inside but he did not drink. He said a while ago that he refuses to let them manipulate how he feels about things anymore and that they will never have that power over him again. I think that is part of the reason he has been able to quit drinking.
His parents don't know he quit drinking, at least we haven't told them. They always used to make remarks abut how people that didn't drink were snooty or weird. My husband was 14years old when they started getting him drunk.And I don't mean giving him a beer on a fishing trip or a glass of wine for a holiday dinner... I mean crashing into the walls stumbling drunk. Hell I used to think they were pretty cool people when I was a teenager and we could go over and party with his mom and dad *SIGH*
He only has a couple months under his belt of not drinking, he quit during the first week in November 2011, but he slipped up between Xmas and new years so if we have to start counting over again its been 3weeks..
I am really his only support but he doesn't verbalize much of anything about his alcoholism to me. Our closest friends know he isn't drinking and support his decision but he doesn't talk about it with them either. My parents know and support him but again it is not discussed.He doesn't write a journal or blog. The only thing he does do is take his meds and tells himself he isn't going to drink anymore.
We live in a tiny, remote town, even if meetings were available he would not go. His job keeps him away from home 10days at a time in an even more secluded, remote area. Its a very physical job and I think the exercise is very important for him right now both physically and mentally.
I wish al-anon was an option for me. Its something I've been wishing for a few years now which is how I found SR in the first place. I was looking for online resources since that's really my only way of finding the support of like minded people due to my geographic location. Even though I haven't posted until now, SR has been very helpful to me.
Again, thanks all for your input.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
I was looking for online resources since that's really my only way of finding the support of like minded people due to my geographic location.
Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I think that when I 'encourage' something or 'discourage' something in my RABF, it feels more like I'm trying to manage or partially manage his recovery. For me, that's just enough codie behavior to go full blown codie again. If his parents cause so much drama and they call, I would not personally take their call. If my RABF wanted to, I would not encourage or discourage it. I would only listen to him.
I've got too much recovery to do to worry about his. If he's going to drink because his parents turned him upside down or because the temperature dropped or because a blue car passed him twice on the same day, he will do it, no matter what you say or do.
I've got too much recovery to do to worry about his. If he's going to drink because his parents turned him upside down or because the temperature dropped or because a blue car passed him twice on the same day, he will do it, no matter what you say or do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Hi,
I wanted to respond bc you said it would be helpful to hear from others with a similar experience with family and spouse issues like yours.
My AH continues to drink (but we are no longer together), and his mother and father are ill in every sense of the word and are toxic to themselves and others.
During my 2nd pregnancy we limited (and I altogether) all contact with his family. Much like you, I worried about how that impacted my H and frankly made myself sick over it.
I don't really know how to explain what I have figured out since then but I will try: the more I worried about how my H was feeling, the sicker I became. I am sure it was hard for him to limit contact with his family, but you know what? Like your inlaws, mine did some horrible things to me and our older daughter and us as a married couple and I wish I could go back and instead of feeling bad for AH, realized that it was important that boundaries be set, limits be set etc...
Your H choosing to whiteknuckle recovery is a bad idea and I wonder if you are worrying about reconciliation with his parents as a way to possible ward off opportunity/excuse for relapse?
My H used the limited contact with his family and the strain it caused him (bc they are all codepependent, enmeshed alcoholics who feed off one another) as an excuse to drink. Are you worried your H will fall off the wagon bc of the issue with his family?
There is nothing at all that will cause him to relapse except his own choices and there is nothing that will get him to recover (not drinking by itself isn't recovery as you know) except his own choices.
It sounds to me that his family has been abusive toward you and your family in the past. Reconciling with people who are detrimental to your own well being in hopes of it helping keep your H sober is not a healthy plan at all. I've been re-reading Codependent No More recently and it might be a good one for you to pick up if you're interested.
I am glad that your H has been supportive about limited contact with his family; mine was not (I was told that I should suck it up and just let their abuse roll off my back). So, for all that is worrysome to you right now, I just wanted to say that I find that hopeful and there are a lot of spouses who don't get that support from their spouse when in laws are involved.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your H is for you to try not to worry (easier said than done) about what he is or isn't doing. Do you go to al -anon? Or even come here often? I found that when I stopped worrying about my H I could see that a lot of my worry was bc I was trying to control a situation and anytime control factors into an equation (control as in trying to keep him from drinking etc...) there's never a good outcome.
I don't know if this helped at all, but I really can relate to what you shared.
I hope you'll stick around!
I wanted to respond bc you said it would be helpful to hear from others with a similar experience with family and spouse issues like yours.
My AH continues to drink (but we are no longer together), and his mother and father are ill in every sense of the word and are toxic to themselves and others.
During my 2nd pregnancy we limited (and I altogether) all contact with his family. Much like you, I worried about how that impacted my H and frankly made myself sick over it.
I don't really know how to explain what I have figured out since then but I will try: the more I worried about how my H was feeling, the sicker I became. I am sure it was hard for him to limit contact with his family, but you know what? Like your inlaws, mine did some horrible things to me and our older daughter and us as a married couple and I wish I could go back and instead of feeling bad for AH, realized that it was important that boundaries be set, limits be set etc...
Your H choosing to whiteknuckle recovery is a bad idea and I wonder if you are worrying about reconciliation with his parents as a way to possible ward off opportunity/excuse for relapse?
My H used the limited contact with his family and the strain it caused him (bc they are all codepependent, enmeshed alcoholics who feed off one another) as an excuse to drink. Are you worried your H will fall off the wagon bc of the issue with his family?
There is nothing at all that will cause him to relapse except his own choices and there is nothing that will get him to recover (not drinking by itself isn't recovery as you know) except his own choices.
It sounds to me that his family has been abusive toward you and your family in the past. Reconciling with people who are detrimental to your own well being in hopes of it helping keep your H sober is not a healthy plan at all. I've been re-reading Codependent No More recently and it might be a good one for you to pick up if you're interested.
I am glad that your H has been supportive about limited contact with his family; mine was not (I was told that I should suck it up and just let their abuse roll off my back). So, for all that is worrysome to you right now, I just wanted to say that I find that hopeful and there are a lot of spouses who don't get that support from their spouse when in laws are involved.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your H is for you to try not to worry (easier said than done) about what he is or isn't doing. Do you go to al -anon? Or even come here often? I found that when I stopped worrying about my H I could see that a lot of my worry was bc I was trying to control a situation and anytime control factors into an equation (control as in trying to keep him from drinking etc...) there's never a good outcome.
I don't know if this helped at all, but I really can relate to what you shared.
I hope you'll stick around!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Thank you for sharing your story wanttobehealthy. I really does sound very similar to mine. For year my husband too buried his head in the sand about his family's issues. Or I should say he tried to drown them in vodka while pretending they didn't exist. That was until it became so blatant and outright attacking that he could no longer ignore it, so he dove even farther into the bottle and still couldn't find answers or solace... go figure.
After reading through my posts and other' responses I guess what I was really asking was ; which of the two options would be the option most likely to keep him sober?
And I guess there is not an answer to that question. If only it could be that simple
I know I am not responsible for his sobriety. I know his parents aren't to blame for his addiction (although I sure would like to blame them and their poor parenting choices)
I know that if he chooses to take a drink(or ten) or not is entirely up to him.I just want to do what ever I can to facilitate his recovery. Simply loving him doesn't seem like enough.
I also realize getting myself healthy again needs to be a priority. I have a lot of anger and hurt built up in me towards both my husband and inlaws.
After reading through my posts and other' responses I guess what I was really asking was ; which of the two options would be the option most likely to keep him sober?
And I guess there is not an answer to that question. If only it could be that simple
I know I am not responsible for his sobriety. I know his parents aren't to blame for his addiction (although I sure would like to blame them and their poor parenting choices)
I know that if he chooses to take a drink(or ten) or not is entirely up to him.I just want to do what ever I can to facilitate his recovery. Simply loving him doesn't seem like enough.
I also realize getting myself healthy again needs to be a priority. I have a lot of anger and hurt built up in me towards both my husband and inlaws.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
Sorry for your troubles. I finally had to admit to myself and my husband that I could not help him with sobriety. He needed to talk to people that had the same issues with alcohol as he did. THey would be the only ones that understood what he was going though. He finally went to AA. And I finally went to Alanon and it make a huge difference. Hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Thank you for sharing your story wanttobehealthy. I really does sound very similar to mine. For year my husband too buried his head in the sand about his family's issues. Or I should say he tried to drown them in vodka while pretending they didn't exist. That was until it became so blatant and outright attacking that he could no longer ignore it, so he dove even farther into the bottle and still couldn't find answers or solace... go figure.
After reading through my posts and other' responses I guess what I was really asking was ; which of the two options would be the option most likely to keep him sober?
And I guess there is not an answer to that question. If only it could be that simple
I know I am not responsible for his sobriety. I know his parents aren't to blame for his addiction (although I sure would like to blame them and their poor parenting choices)
I know that if he chooses to take a drink(or ten) or not is entirely up to him.I just want to do what ever I can to facilitate his recovery. Simply loving him doesn't seem like enough.
I also realize getting myself healthy again needs to be a priority. I have a lot of anger and hurt built up in me towards both my husband and inlaws.
After reading through my posts and other' responses I guess what I was really asking was ; which of the two options would be the option most likely to keep him sober?
And I guess there is not an answer to that question. If only it could be that simple
I know I am not responsible for his sobriety. I know his parents aren't to blame for his addiction (although I sure would like to blame them and their poor parenting choices)
I know that if he chooses to take a drink(or ten) or not is entirely up to him.I just want to do what ever I can to facilitate his recovery. Simply loving him doesn't seem like enough.
I also realize getting myself healthy again needs to be a priority. I have a lot of anger and hurt built up in me towards both my husband and inlaws.
So, it sounds to me that your H isn't drinking but it seems inevitable that he will again if he's not in any recovery program (my AH doesn't think AA or sponsorship is for him either).
I too have a lot of anger toward my in laws and my H's choice of ways to deal with them and how they've been allowed to impact our family. But being removed from it to a degree now, I can see that in A families or families with any dysfunction, they are all imprisoned by their own behaviors and until they want to help themselves NOTHING we do will help.
I guess I have no real advice for you other than to say, many many many of us can relate here and stick around here for support.
I don;t make it to lots of brick and mortar al anon meetings but this is a great lifeline of support here and I hope you stick around.
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