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Is this normal?

Old 01-14-2012, 01:06 PM
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Is this normal?

Been SO angry lately. I basically fled my old city to escape XABF and all of the memories, and guess what?

That SOB came HERE. He got an amazing job that trumps anything he's ever been offered/screwed up in his life before. With the help of his "rich and perfect" parents (everyone he grew up with is some useless child living off of their pseudo-rich parents), scored some luxury high-rise condo rental, and is living the dream chasing skirts and boozing it up on happy street while I'm still paralyzed with pain barely able to get out of bed every day. He sunk me to lows I never thought existed. He extinguished my flame, and everything beautiful I once was is buried deep beneath this scar tissue.

I want him DEAD. No, I want him to suffer torture first, excruciating hell on earth so he wishes he were dead. I actually thought of hiring someone to kill him, jump him, thought of other ways to ruin his life. Tipped the police off to his warrants, gave them his job's address hoping he'd get hauled off and lose it all. I want this more than anything, revenge. Unimaginable suffering and pain for him.

I send him hate mail and sometimes telling him what a disgusting sociopath monster he is. How he is pure evil and will soon meet his demise in the form of karma. How he's never been any good to anyone, only hurts people, and the world would be so much better without a soulless monster like him. I say THE MOST awful, awful things to him. All true, of course (lol). One morning he called me and said he was suicidal from my messages. I hung up on him. I still wish he would have killed himself. With all my heart. I still send him those messages, hoping...

This is not normal, is it? Certainly not healthy. I mean, I know anger is a stage of grieving but I normally feel guilty when I step on a bug... WTF? If I knew there was NO way I'd ever get caught I would kill him myself. Scary...
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Old 01-14-2012, 01:30 PM
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Well, anger is normal, but I'm not sure what you are dealing with is normal. We all feel anger and yes, it is part of the process, but acting on that anger is another matter. I'd be careful about sending such messages to him because he might save them and attempt to use them to get you into trouble. Can you think of another way to express your anger and get it out, rather than writing or communicating in any way with him? A visit to your doctor might be in order if these irrational thoughts continue.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know many years ago I had such hatred for my ex that I often wished he would just die. I never considered killing him myself, but my hatred ran pretty deep. I knew something wasn't quite right, so I went to my doctor and told her about my extreme anger. She was able to help me with that, and I'm happy to say that after a while, I was able to get on with my own life and quit letting him control me and my thoughts. I still think he's a narcissistic pig, but I don't let him have head space anymore.

I've heard it said that harboring so much anger toward someone is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. That makes sense to me.
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Old 01-14-2012, 01:42 PM
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I found for me that the anger I felt towards my EXAH was a mask to the deep pain underneath that I refused to deal with for a long time. Anger was an effective coping tool for me because it kept people at arm's length, and kept me from feeling the pain.

It was such a huge relief to work the steps through a 12-step program and let that anger go. I also sought therapy. I finally was able to feel and process the pain.

Anger and resentments cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit.

Praying you are able to find peace of mind and a quiet heart.
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Old 01-14-2012, 01:51 PM
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Normal? Not sure. But I recognize every ounce of that fury.
Know what I tell my kids? Feelings are feelings are feelings. Thet're neither right nor wrong. What you do with them, how you express or act on them, that is where the right or wrong comes in.

I've written multiple letters to AXH telling him exactly how much scum I think he is. Because it helps me to write them. I never send them. Because that wouldn't help anyone.
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:31 PM
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Well, anger is one thing, to me, what you are displaying is far more aggressive than simple anger. If I remember correctly, you almost killed the two of you while driving, this was done in a fit of rage.

Honestly, I would seek some therapy this is not going to go away on it's own.

Anger serves a purpose, for a brief period of time...raging daily does not, you are only hurting yourself.
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Normal? Not sure. But I recognize every ounce of that fury.
Know what I tell my kids? Feelings are feelings are feelings. Thet're neither right nor wrong. What you do with them, how you express or act on them, that is where the right or wrong comes in.

I've written multiple letters to AXH telling him exactly how much scum I think he is. Because it helps me to write them. I never send them. Because that wouldn't help anyone.
Thanks for that! I am going to start writing things and NOT sending them. Yeah...
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:35 PM
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"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny." - (Upanishad)


i have had this posted on my frig for years. It helps me to keep focus on who I really strive to be. I am so very sorry for all the pain you are experiencing.

Baby steps my friend, wishing you peace.........
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Well, anger is one thing, to me, what you are displaying is far more aggressive than simple anger. If I remember correctly, you almost killed the two of you while driving, this was done in a fit of rage.

Honestly, I would seek some therapy this is not going to go away on it's own.

Anger serves a purpose, for a brief period of time...raging daily does not, you are only hurting yourself.
Yeah, I did almost kill the 2 of us. Driving while being verbally assaulted by someone who is drunk as heck is never a safe situation.

I know this isn't normal or healthy. My ex was also Narcissist and BPD, essentially a sociopath, so I think that brought on a lot more anger than if he had just been an addict/alcoholic. The things he did to me were pure evil and go beyond the drinking and drugs.

Idk, money is tight after the holidays and debt he put me in so I had to stop therapy for a while (that extra few hundred a month adds up), but I should really step up my alanon game then I suppose.

I may be more angry with myself at this point for giving him 2 years of my life and taking the insidious abuse.
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:46 PM
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if he is this crazy socialpath I would think you would be so very grateful to be rid of him.

He is going to go forward and make someone else's life a living hell. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Take your power back and bury the past. Let it go and just breathe........

Two years in the big picture of life, is a small drop in the bucket. You have the rest of your life to get out there and make healthy choices for YOU. As they say "the best revenge is a good life."
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Old 01-14-2012, 02:47 PM
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I joke to people that my anger keeps me warm at night, only the jokes on me because it really is not a joke.

I have walked in your shoes on and off for many years, I am married to a wonderful woman, yet I still hate my ex-wife, I think I would laugh if she got flesh eating bacteria of the face because she is such a narcisistic mirror worshipping, abusive, cheating witch.

My therapist tells me the opposite of love is not anger, it is inddiference, I wish I could be indifferent to the people who abused me sexually, verbally, and physically.

Therapy is helping me move forward, I don't know that I will ever be 100% in the right place but I'm going to try and I hope you will also.

Someone said the best revenge is living well, so as long as he knows he is getting to you he is winning.

Go out with your friends, date, show him that you have moved on, that he does not reside in your head anymore, that will hurt him more than anything else you can do.

Anytime you want to talk let me know, we can discuss those get-even strategies, and laugh about how fun they would be if we could always get away with them.

Best of luck to you,

Bill
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Old 01-14-2012, 03:33 PM
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^^^ Bill, I just cried (and laughed out loud) reading your post. I know that letting go and moving on is the healthy thing to do, and that we should just be grateful we dodged a bullet and get on with living. Be indifferent. But, that's so much easier said than done.

There's a big part of me that feels like I'm a wuss for letting him do this to me, for letting him con me over and over again with the sole intention of using me to get his needs met. There's this sense that I have to avenge my honor, or something along those lines. If I do nothing I'm letting him win.

But, you are right: "...as long as he knows he is getting to you he is winning."

And I'd love to trade funny revenge plots. If we can approach this from a place of humor it diffuses the anger a bit and releases some of it.
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Old 01-14-2012, 04:00 PM
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nicam, I understand what you are feeling. When I left my wife I used to watch the hulk on netflix. He'd go into one of his rages and I'd be sitting there thinking "is that all you got?".

What I learned is that anger and rage are emotions are real but they are not facts. When I am feeling anger over things in the past it means that 1: I have work to do on myself to figure out how to let it go and 2: if I am living in the past then I am missing the present. The past is gone, I can't change it and the future isn't here so I can't control it. There is a Buddhist saying that says hanging on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal waiting for the person your are mad at to show up so you can throw it at them. I finally got tired of hurting myself and put that coal down.

I am in a pretty good place in my recovery especially where it concerns my AW. What is new for me is that memories I suppressed from my childhood and living with an abusive AF are starting to return and I am dealing with some of those exact same anger issues again. This time I have the tools to deal with them in a healthy way. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and the anger doesn't come back but now I can look at them for what they are, a form of healing. It's like draining the pus out of an infected wound. Hurts like heck but it needs to be done for the wound to heal.

So now when they come back I feel the emotions, recognize where they came from and let them go. The situations that caused them are not part of my current life any more.

I also understand your rage because he stole your innocence just as my father stole mine. Be that as it may I am getting better and will grow from this. It's my way of saying to my father "is that all you got?", I am stronger than that now and you will never have any power over me again. I will do it not by hurting him but by becoming stronger than he ever could have imagined.

Your friend,
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Old 01-14-2012, 04:37 PM
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I second Dolly. I would start therapy again when possible. I had resentment, oceans of it, but I really didn't have this level of anger. It might be normal, I don't know.

Originally Posted by nicam View Post

There's a big part of me that feels like I'm a wuss for letting him do this to me, for letting him con me over and over again with the sole intention of using me to get his needs met. There's this sense that I have to avenge my honor, or something along those lines. If I do nothing I'm letting him win.
He has moved on and you are still consumed by this. That is not winning. You lost two years, don't give him another one. Work with all your might at letting it go, for your own sake. You show strength when you break free and move on with your own happy life, not by hanging on.
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Old 01-14-2012, 05:39 PM
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I have experience with alcoholic sociopaths (my father & grandfather). They derive pleasure from hurting. The only way to avoid the hurt is to stay away from them. If you express how much you are hurt, they will try to grind the pain into you.

I would really encourage you to continue with the therapy. Maybe you can find a low-cost service? It sounds like you are miserable, and thinking of him is only adding to that misery.

The more you interact with him, the worse you are going to feel. That's why I choose to not interact with my AF.
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Old 01-14-2012, 07:34 PM
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I found for me that the anger I felt towards my EXAH was a mask to the deep pain underneath that I refused to deal with for a long time. Anger was an effective coping tool for me because it kept people at arm's length, and kept me from feeling the pain.
Thank you so much for reminding me what is at the heart of my problem... Choosing very damaged people to avoid dealing with my own issues.
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Old 01-14-2012, 08:01 PM
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Long held intense anger usually ends up only hurting the one who is hanging on to it. All of us who have been effected by an A have a unique set of anger issues regarding the relationship and is probably one of the issues we all need to work on for our own sanity. Good point brought up by NYVDoglver about choosing very damaged people. If nothing else these relationships can give us some really eye opening insight into our own behaviors and issues.
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Old 01-14-2012, 09:54 PM
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You're 100% right NYCDoglover. That's what this is all about. And boy, what an entertaining escape A's provide.

My finances are a mess, career, personal relationships, relationship with self, that constant nagging anxiety and terminal uniqueness (never feeling good enough, or normal like everyone else), and I'm self-destructing. So, yeah. I guess it was easier to worry sick about him and focus on the drama of being a perpetual victim than it was to call the frigging Dep't of Ed (or the one of many people I owed money to) and straighten my s*@# out.

Bluebell, you are right. My heart goes out to you for all that you have been through with your dad.

I went to my first ACOA meeting tonight right after starting this thread and wouldn't you know the woman sitting next to me shared about committing some horrific acts against her ex and his personal property and getting deep into debt and legal trouble as a result (so, guess I won't be doing that). The central focus of the open topic meeting ended up being anger. I agree with Freedom1990, this is really just deep pain, fear, and things we cannot manage to deal with.
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Old 01-15-2012, 12:33 AM
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Originally Posted by nicam View Post
I want him DEAD. No, I want him to suffer torture first, excruciating hell on earth so he wishes he were dead. I actually thought of hiring someone to kill him, jump him, thought of other ways to ruin his life. Tipped the police off to his warrants, gave them his job's address hoping he'd get hauled off and lose it all. I want this more than anything, revenge. Unimaginable suffering and pain for him.

If I knew there was NO way I'd ever get caught I would kill him myself. Scary...
I have to ask...do you watch Dexter?

If not, you might enjoy it. One of my favorite shows.
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Old 01-15-2012, 12:44 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
I have to ask...do you watch Dexter?

If not, you might enjoy it. One of my favorite shows.
I LOVE Dexter! Ha, hadn't thought of the connection but now I will enjoy the show even more.
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Old 01-15-2012, 02:14 AM
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Hi nicam
Expect some rambling in this post>>


1

I identify with the anger but gladly it has been fading in my case (3 years out). I imagined so many torture techniques and also wanted the worst...

2
I threw some plates to a wall the other day and felt a difference. Try it. I got some other empty bottles awaiting for me tomorrow. Be careful of course. But I swear it helped.


3
Consider box,kickboxing,martial arts, self defense.. over here I found a really cheap boxing gym... this has helped. I am not an athlete nor anything and there were days the instructors congratulated me LOL easy to hit hard when you imagine the face of someone...

4
Don't think
"I lost 2 years"
But
"I gained 2 years of experiences that will serve me well in the future, when I am rolling around with a great (and healthy) Nordic guy in a beachfront home"

5
Its a good idea not to send those messages anymore or send them to a bogus address.

6
I believe the following happens when you die:

You meet HP/God
You see your life from the outside as in a cinema
You live your life again in fast forward and all the emotions.
Lastly you live the emotions of everyone and everything you touched in your life, family, friends, coworkers, strangers, even gratitude/love from the pets you took care of or plants you watered, etc (sounds new agey I know but this happens to be my personal belief)

So when the day comes for the EX to face stage #3 he will feel EVERYTHING you have felt. To me this would be the best revenge. I don't wish the pain to anyone ever but asking myself "what would give me satisfaction in terms of revenge?" it was: for the EX to feel all I felt, the despair, impotence, sadness, hurt, all those endless days and nights etc etc etc. Yup, I hope he feels all I felt. That's justice for me and I leave it to God. Karma, karma does not leave anyone out in this life or with the Almighty ...you can let it go, it will be taken care of... its not your role.

7
It does get much better, one step at a time, I never thought I would feel better about all what happened but now I do, No contact.. I work with the EX although gladly no longer have to see him everyday or interact much.. but I ran into his car often and his new GF and all that stuff.. even if he was your neighbor.. YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OWN PEACE AND YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS ONLY, and it will be great when you no longer care... his success or lack of success or whatever is going or not going in his life has ZERO impact on how you can choose to live your day...


IMHO you have gone through/are going through the worst, it gets better it really does.

(((Hugs)))
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