Is this normal?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
From the Tao te ching:
Fourty-eight
In the pursuit of learning, every day something is acquired
In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped
Less and less is done
Until non-action is achieved
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
The world is ruled by letting things take their course.
It cannot be ruled by interfering.
Fourty-eight
In the pursuit of learning, every day something is acquired
In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped
Less and less is done
Until non-action is achieved
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
The world is ruled by letting things take their course.
It cannot be ruled by interfering.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
TC999 that was awesome! I hadn't even thought about boxing or exercise to release the anger.
Him feeling my feelings would be an ideal revenge for me too, and in one of those shameful text flurries I even told him so.
You're right about letting go and moving past it. Leaving it to karma and HP. Which reminds me of the slogan, "Let Go and Let God."
I went to an AA meeting with XABF once and there was a funny speaker there talking about that slogan. He said, "when I was new to recovery I just didn't get it. I was so angry with my ex wife I wanted to kill her. Someone at a meeting told me, 'let go and let god', and I thought, 'yeah, let go and let god. I'm gonna let go and LET GOD KILL HER." I laughed so hard at that, which is funny because I didn't get it at the time, just thought it was funny the way he said it. Now I am right there. LoL.
Him feeling my feelings would be an ideal revenge for me too, and in one of those shameful text flurries I even told him so.
You're right about letting go and moving past it. Leaving it to karma and HP. Which reminds me of the slogan, "Let Go and Let God."
I went to an AA meeting with XABF once and there was a funny speaker there talking about that slogan. He said, "when I was new to recovery I just didn't get it. I was so angry with my ex wife I wanted to kill her. Someone at a meeting told me, 'let go and let god', and I thought, 'yeah, let go and let god. I'm gonna let go and LET GOD KILL HER." I laughed so hard at that, which is funny because I didn't get it at the time, just thought it was funny the way he said it. Now I am right there. LoL.
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
My SO used to send me msgs like that when we had a fall out and he moved out for 6 months.
Used to say the most hateful, hurtful, meanest things to me. I literally would feel physical pain when reading them. It hurt that I hurt him so bad that he wished and thought the worst for and of me.
They were never threats though...just wishful thinking.
Just a piece of advice...you should be careful sending threatening msgs, emails or phone calls. Its something that can get you in alot of trouble if he one day gets sick of it and decides to get a restraining order on you. It'll be on your record and the judge will grant him the order as well as send you to some mandatory therapy or anger management classes. Which I don't think would be a bad idea, but you don't want it court ordered.
As much as it hurt reading his msgs...when the smoke cleared, all it showed me was that he was still hung up on me and was very much angry for it, so expressed it. Thats all your doing. Is showing him how much he still matters to you because you still feel these strong emotions towards him. Even if it is anger. Someone who doesn't matter, doesn't. You don't waste time and energy on them. And from what you've described, it sounds like you waste A LOT of energy on him.
Give yourself a break and focus on the cons of the relationship. On what drama and stress you're free from. Let him screw every skirt out there. Know that what you deserve is someone who deserves your time and energy and will appreciate it.
Let him realize that losing you was a mistake because you're a mature, independent, strong, capable woman. By you doing all this, you're showing him the exact opposite.
And learn to forgive him. It's not for him, but for yourself...to get well and move on.
Best of luck to you!
Simply-
Used to say the most hateful, hurtful, meanest things to me. I literally would feel physical pain when reading them. It hurt that I hurt him so bad that he wished and thought the worst for and of me.
They were never threats though...just wishful thinking.
Just a piece of advice...you should be careful sending threatening msgs, emails or phone calls. Its something that can get you in alot of trouble if he one day gets sick of it and decides to get a restraining order on you. It'll be on your record and the judge will grant him the order as well as send you to some mandatory therapy or anger management classes. Which I don't think would be a bad idea, but you don't want it court ordered.
As much as it hurt reading his msgs...when the smoke cleared, all it showed me was that he was still hung up on me and was very much angry for it, so expressed it. Thats all your doing. Is showing him how much he still matters to you because you still feel these strong emotions towards him. Even if it is anger. Someone who doesn't matter, doesn't. You don't waste time and energy on them. And from what you've described, it sounds like you waste A LOT of energy on him.
Give yourself a break and focus on the cons of the relationship. On what drama and stress you're free from. Let him screw every skirt out there. Know that what you deserve is someone who deserves your time and energy and will appreciate it.
Let him realize that losing you was a mistake because you're a mature, independent, strong, capable woman. By you doing all this, you're showing him the exact opposite.
And learn to forgive him. It's not for him, but for yourself...to get well and move on.
Best of luck to you!
Simply-
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Time is your friend nicam ..
Ah, another advantage of box, lots of good looking males ... well in my class they are like average
but anyway it feels good to be around them and feel fresh and have no one know anything about EX or give a damn about toxic people I have left behind. Then you are so exhausted you have no time to think about anything but the pajamas lol. Very good workout.
The first time I went they went with me to walk to the pharmacy nearby to buy bandages to protect the hands. I thought "these guys have talked to me for 2 minutes and are already gentlemen and supportive, when I spent 1 year with XABF and I donīt recall a single sign of chivalry. Had it be him he would have sent me for soda for his Jack Daniels late at night without blinking"
One time when I went to Europe I was watching people in the airport and went "YAY!! no one knows or cares about XABF in this continent"
And well even if you do all these things feelings might still linger there, I spent MONTHS very angry but its a mourning stage like any other and it passes. I feel its a taboo for women to feel angry or at least it was for me, never had examples of women feeling angry and expressing it in non harmful ways until now.
My mom throws in: Squeeze a towel and imagine its his neck. A trick learned in therapy.
Also am not sure if you are into art but for instance after breaking the bottles etc I plan to take pictures then edit them digitally and think of enigmatic titles such as "Pieces of your soul I am no longer putting together for you" or whatever else I would like to "say".. it can even be a Series ..
Throwing some ideas here, more hugs.
Ah, another advantage of box, lots of good looking males ... well in my class they are like average
but anyway it feels good to be around them and feel fresh and have no one know anything about EX or give a damn about toxic people I have left behind. Then you are so exhausted you have no time to think about anything but the pajamas lol. Very good workout.The first time I went they went with me to walk to the pharmacy nearby to buy bandages to protect the hands. I thought "these guys have talked to me for 2 minutes and are already gentlemen and supportive, when I spent 1 year with XABF and I donīt recall a single sign of chivalry. Had it be him he would have sent me for soda for his Jack Daniels late at night without blinking"
One time when I went to Europe I was watching people in the airport and went "YAY!! no one knows or cares about XABF in this continent"
And well even if you do all these things feelings might still linger there, I spent MONTHS very angry but its a mourning stage like any other and it passes. I feel its a taboo for women to feel angry or at least it was for me, never had examples of women feeling angry and expressing it in non harmful ways until now.
My mom throws in: Squeeze a towel and imagine its his neck. A trick learned in therapy.
Also am not sure if you are into art but for instance after breaking the bottles etc I plan to take pictures then edit them digitally and think of enigmatic titles such as "Pieces of your soul I am no longer putting together for you" or whatever else I would like to "say".. it can even be a Series ..
Throwing some ideas here, more hugs.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I don't know if this will be helpful, but I've got a close friend who is in a similar situation.
Her husband, while not an A, has bi-polar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. He has had multiple affairs. The emotional abuse he puts her through is unbelievable. At one point he even told her that he is to be commended for cheating on her rather than leaving her, since she is unworthy of him.
He is a grade-A creep.
She reacts to this with rage. She's nearly over the moon with it. And she SHOULD be angry, but this is another level. She is consumed with it. She can think of nothing else and at this point has dedicated her life to revenge.
And the thing that keeps occurring to me as I watch this is how the rage keeps her tied to him. She literally CAN'T move on and build a life for herself because there's so little left of her beyond that rage, that need for revenge. There are times when, as awful as her husband is, I see that in many ways she is just as sick as he is--little more than an empty shell of the woman she once was. And I want to support her, but she has no interest in moving on. It is as though she thinks that letting go of her rage is tantamount to an admission that his treatment of her was ok.
I imagine that when someone has abused you and treated you like crap for years, there's going to be anger and a desire for revenge. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; it's something to be worked through, but it's normal. But this level of rage, no. It is destroying her.
As her friend I want nothing more for her than that she should move on and let her jerk of a husband go be a jerk. Her other friends, of course, want the same thing. But because she is so engrossed in her hatred, she is losing her friends. At this point, only a few of us are still talking to her. The rest make excuses. It's sad, but I do understand. It's awful to be around this woman.
She has taken herself down. In her rage, she has allowed her husband to destroy her.
Her husband, while not an A, has bi-polar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. He has had multiple affairs. The emotional abuse he puts her through is unbelievable. At one point he even told her that he is to be commended for cheating on her rather than leaving her, since she is unworthy of him.
He is a grade-A creep.
She reacts to this with rage. She's nearly over the moon with it. And she SHOULD be angry, but this is another level. She is consumed with it. She can think of nothing else and at this point has dedicated her life to revenge.
And the thing that keeps occurring to me as I watch this is how the rage keeps her tied to him. She literally CAN'T move on and build a life for herself because there's so little left of her beyond that rage, that need for revenge. There are times when, as awful as her husband is, I see that in many ways she is just as sick as he is--little more than an empty shell of the woman she once was. And I want to support her, but she has no interest in moving on. It is as though she thinks that letting go of her rage is tantamount to an admission that his treatment of her was ok.
I imagine that when someone has abused you and treated you like crap for years, there's going to be anger and a desire for revenge. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; it's something to be worked through, but it's normal. But this level of rage, no. It is destroying her.
As her friend I want nothing more for her than that she should move on and let her jerk of a husband go be a jerk. Her other friends, of course, want the same thing. But because she is so engrossed in her hatred, she is losing her friends. At this point, only a few of us are still talking to her. The rest make excuses. It's sad, but I do understand. It's awful to be around this woman.
She has taken herself down. In her rage, she has allowed her husband to destroy her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
Thanks, onlythetruth. I think I needed to hear that. I finally got most of my friends and family back after XABF and don't want to lose them, or anything, again.
I'm so sorry for your friend. I know that feeling, it's different when personality disorders are involved I think, makes it worse. XABF is BPD and has narcissistic peronality disorder with most of the traits of antisocial as well. These people are monsters that seek to destroy you, it's cruelty at it's finest.
I don't want that, that's letting them win. I hope your friend gets better.
I'm so sorry for your friend. I know that feeling, it's different when personality disorders are involved I think, makes it worse. XABF is BPD and has narcissistic peronality disorder with most of the traits of antisocial as well. These people are monsters that seek to destroy you, it's cruelty at it's finest.
I don't want that, that's letting them win. I hope your friend gets better.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Nicam,
I felt (almost) that kind of rage about my exH. He was not an A. Then. Because I have regular contact with my (ex) in-laws, I've had reports of his self-destruction through the years. It's sad, it's shocking, and somewhere I think I get a tiny bit of satisfaction out of it. (I also feel I need to work on that a little bit...)
Sit back, relax, and watch him do it to himself. Guys like that do not need our help taking themselves straight to hell. They'll get there on their own.
I felt (almost) that kind of rage about my exH. He was not an A. Then. Because I have regular contact with my (ex) in-laws, I've had reports of his self-destruction through the years. It's sad, it's shocking, and somewhere I think I get a tiny bit of satisfaction out of it. (I also feel I need to work on that a little bit...)
Sit back, relax, and watch him do it to himself. Guys like that do not need our help taking themselves straight to hell. They'll get there on their own.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My ex was also Narcissist and BPD, essentially a sociopath, so I think that brought on a lot more anger than if he had just been an addict/alcoholic. The things he did to me were pure evil and go beyond the drinking and drugs.
Careful.
You are responsible for your own feelings.
Don't let him have that power over you, to "make you angry."
Take back the power.
Let go.
And thank HP that the dude's out of your life.
Then go smell a flower and enjOy living.
Careful.
You are responsible for your own feelings.
Don't let him have that power over you, to "make you angry."
Take back the power.
Let go.
And thank HP that the dude's out of your life.
Then go smell a flower and enjOy living.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Normal? Hell yes. Healthy? Hell no. And, of course, it hurts you far, far, far more than it hurts him. In fact, at this point he needs to be just a footnote in your life-- a cautionary tale. Please consider going 100 percent No Contact with him. Don't reach out to him, ignore him reaching out to you, defriend, delete, etc., any connections to him or anybody else who communicates through him. That's first.
Then focus 100 percent on you and your recovery. Do this with counseling, Alanon, or both. I did both.
I found that when I stopped wanting to kill other people that my life got a lot better. That doesn't mean the world won't be a better place when they die because it will be a better place when they die, it just means I'm not letting that fact ruin my life.
Cyranoak
Then focus 100 percent on you and your recovery. Do this with counseling, Alanon, or both. I did both.
I found that when I stopped wanting to kill other people that my life got a lot better. That doesn't mean the world won't be a better place when they die because it will be a better place when they die, it just means I'm not letting that fact ruin my life.
Cyranoak
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