hadenoug

Ugh....I'm so tired....when will I learn?
DH ws away on business all week. He supposedly ate so well and was on a diet all week. He went out partying last night with his office. Today he called and he was at the bar at the airport. I said please o not drink tonight (I knew he already had a few there before the plabe left). He promised me he wont. Then he gets mad telling me I upset him with that question. That he was happy all week and coming home to me annoying him sucks. And that he drinks because I make him sad and feel bad about himself. Oh...and that now he does feel like drinking because I made him so mad for asking him.

I feel so confused. I'm not sure what I want to do or what the right thing is to do. I feel so sad and I honestly feel like a failure. I'm at a low right now. I'm so worried but trying not to show it for my kids.

PurpleWilder

And if you hadn't asked him, he would have felt like drinking because the trip was so stressful....or the moon was in Aquarius....or there was too much starch in his underwear. You are not causing him to drink. He is an alcoholic - that is what they do, regardless of circumstances, penalty or pain.....until they chose recovery if they ever do.

I'm sure coming home does annoy him - he is now back to reality and accountability for his actions. But that doesn't mean it is your fault. He is your husband and you have children together - you are right to want reality and accountability. But I wouldnt suggest you expect it if he is drinking.

You are not a failure. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. Look at all the people on these boards - it is/has been happening to all of us! It is sometimes bigger than we are alone - so we come to SR, and go to meetings, and talk to pastors, and read and learn. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

Personally, I tell folks that some people on the planet are general practitioners in misery - they will date anybody that makes them miserable. I, on the other hand am a specialist. I only get involved with alcoholic men whose dads were also alcoholics. I am now, however, retired and work strictly in an advisory capacity to others. So at least I can take my pain and help others.

I don't know your story much (sorry) but are you talking to someone about all of this? In meetings, or a counselor, or someone?

fourmaggie

please go to al anon this will help you...

Seren

Hello, hadenough, and Welcome to SR!!

This is sooooo not true that it's hard to know where to begin. He drinks because he is an active alcoholic. It could be hangnail, rainy weather, groundhog day.....there are many reasons an alcoholic has to give him/herself permission to drink.

One thing I learned here and in face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon:

I did not cause the drinking of someone else.
I cannot control the drinking of someone else.
I cannot cure them of the need to drink.

I hope you'll make yourself comfortable, read through the threads, and learn all you can about alcoholism. It really helps! Welcome, again!!!

hadenoug

Thank you. Somewhere....deep inside I know all of this. I know I need to go to alanon. I've looked many times but I don't have them close by that I can get to in the time I have. I guess maybe a counselor is the next best thing..I know I have to do something...Nothing chages if nothing changes, I know. I've "hoped" long enough now.

look4billw

Might I suggest that if counseling is the route that you take, be sure to get a counselor that is well versed in alcoholism recovery.