autumn1554

My husband is just a few days into his sobriety. He's been here before, and has come to the conclusion he wants a better life for himself again. He has been praying again every morning. I would never pretend to know how difficult all this is for him. The work is his to tackle, I know this. It's all one day at a time, and I am proud of him for taking the first steps to a better life. I know I need to take care of myself (part of why I am here, and we have no children). I know it's been a rough time for me as individual and for us as a couple. We are a great couple together, he is an amazing person and husband, but I do believe he has inner demons that need to be dealt with before he can truly move on to have a satisfying life. He has admitted as much to me. I hate when he beats himself up for being a "bad husband" but I have told him it is entirely up to him to do something about that. I do not feel bitter, or angry, the past is the past - but I am ready to move our lives and our relationship forward to better things. To the potential that I've always known was there.

I love the support I've already gotten between family, friends, my in-laws (amazing people!) and sites like this. I hope anyone here knows they are not alone in this. Knowing that I am not alone is a huge comfort to me on those dark days. Anyone who comments here should know they have been making a positive impact on others lives. It is a great gift I happily receive.

I just started exploring meetup.com. I think the idea is great in expanding a social circle to include people who share common interests that hopefully don't include drinking as their main avenue of "socializing". This may be something to look into to help fill our days off - (the closest group is several hours away). The hard part would be to talk my AH into it, he has some anti-social tendencies. I think he does want a more satisfying social circle, but is afraid. I know I would enjoy it, I had a few close friends that have moved away, and I definitely have been feeling the void!

My AH and I are both the bosses at our jobs (I know I don't feel completely comfortable being super buddy buddy with my employees) and we both work until late at night (11pm- midnight). We get off work, and we're both usually amped and not ready to come home and go right to bed. The question is, what to do? I know he's expressed boredom in coming home every night and "just sitting on the couch". I've tried to encourage him to go to bed earlier and wake up, go for a walk with me, go out snowboarding with his friends, to do something that will tucker him out, so maybe getting off work and coming home to sit on the couch will be more appealing (anything over hitting the bottle!) If I have learned anything about him through this whole process, is that he has to come to his own decissions in his own good time. He has never slept well. My AH can be quite anti-social and seems to often times feel uncomfortable with new people. I want to encourage him to make new friends to do non-drinking activities with so he feels like he has a full life but I know I can only push so much with him. He is quite stubborn (but so am I!) I have told him I support him in doing what he needs to to support his sobriety. I feel I have always supported his hobbies, and other interests. I have never felt his life had to revolve around me. I do think he would benefit from talking with someone who has been though this, or a professional, but, as always, this is all up to him. This has been difficult for both of us. Anyone have ideas?? Things that have worked for you?? Thank you!!!

flutter

I'm going to give you the perspective as the alcoholic in my marriage. My husband is a normal drinker (1-2 beers a few times a month.. baffles me to no end lol). I've been sober for just over 3 years, and I've worked very hard on my recovery. Your post makes me think of SO many things that I went through (and we went through) in the early days of my sobriety, but since you're only asking for guidance about socializing/having fun, I'll narrow my scope (btw, you're right, he has got to figure this out on his own.. and find what he feels he needs for his recovery program, meetings, counseling, rehab, outpatient rehab, meditation, whatever!).

Honestly, that early in my sobriety I was SO very fragile and totally socially unequipped. I probably would have been horrified if all the sudden my husband wanted me to make new friends and start getting out and living a social life again. I needed time to work on my recovery, and quiet time with him/at home otherwise (and of course this is just me). I had used alcohol as a social lubricant for geeze, decades..I was NOT equipped for dealing with people socially until I had a bit more recovery/sobriety under my belt.

We joined Netflix, and watched movies, or went to movies. A LOT of movies lol.. they ate up time in the evenings when I was most vulnerable feeling. We started going to they gym together. We ate out at new restaurants we had never tried. And went to more movies I filled my own 'down' time with new books, knitting, even video games (I'm so not a gamer), trying new recipes, working out, watching new TV shows. Obviously a lot of my other time was filled with the counseling and homework from said counseling that I was doing to work on the recovery bit.

We really had to get to know each other again, but even that was a little overwhelming for me, because I had used alcohol as the only tool in my 'coping with life' toolbox for so long, I had to learn other ways to live, as it really wasn't as simple as changing my beverage choice.. it was an entire life change, and it happens slowly. My body was going through a lot, not to mention my mind. The counseling was paramount to my sanity and success, my husband's patience and kindness was too. Slowly but surely I felt a lot more comfortable in my own skin, around other people, trying new activities, and so on.

I apologize for the ramble, and for posting from a perspective you weren't necessarily looking for, but sometimes I think it can be helpful for all of us to talk with each other

Willybluedog

A friend of mine got sober after many years as a alcoholic/waitress/bartender, everything in her life revolved around bars and drinking, she was completely lost without the bar and bar friends.

She started going to what she called an AA Bar, I don't know if it was something unique to St. Louis or not but it was a place to transition, they served all virgin drinks, played music, had a dance floor, pool tables, etc. she said for her it was a lifesaver because she did not have to give up the only social arena she had known for so long.

She said it was a temporary stop for some, but for many it was their oasis for years, she went for a year or so while she developed new friends and habits.

I don't know if it is a good or bad idea, I just know it worked for her.

We have a hot tub, it is a great place to go to to de-stress after work, or for us after our kids go to bed, if you purchase one at the home and garden show they can be very affordable.

Best of luck,

Bill

autumn1554

Thank you so much for the feedbacks and congratulations on your triumphs flutter! I like your comment about being baffled by your husband's normal drinking - my husband has expressed the same thing to me multiple times I think your perspective is SO valuable for someone on the flip side of this, and I appreciate you taking time to respond. Your insight is HIGHLY APPRECIATED! The other morning my husband and I were curled up in bed and he said "You're my happy place, I love you." - This is the guy I fell in love with. This is the closeness that seemed to get lost in all the craziness.

This week has been so hard for him, I could see it in his eyes. Work problems, he really wanted a drink, but he's come home - and I am more then happy to listen to whatever he wants to talk about. I hope it helps, thankfully we're both in the same profession, so he does know that I understand what he's up against as far as work stress goes. I always wish I could do more, but I think you are quite wise to suggest taking it easy, especially at the beginning. This morning he actually started talking about some fun outdoorsy stuff he was interested in doing on our day off together. It's nice to see him looking forward to "living life" opposed to drinking heavily the night before, and being hung over and lethargic the whole next day. I guess I wanted to support socialization because he's expressed missing that, and I want him to know I'm not looking to monopolize all his time. I am here for him, and want to support him and a shift towards a better life - I want to do all I can, but perhaps there is only so much I can do and I will have to take his lead on this. It has been great to see him seeking out other activities to fill his time, and I do think it is paramount to his continued sobriety.

We've also thought about a hot tub, we just don't have much room, but worth looking into if we can find a smaller one. The AA Bar is a great idea as well - a way to get that social interaction late night.

Thank you for all your ideas! This has been a process for me too. I know that I need to take care of myself first in order to be strong for him too.