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Sex and Dating

Old 01-11-2012, 09:12 PM
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Sex and Dating

Sorry if this is a bit private but I always wonder how it is for others...how is/was the sex life with the A? For me, it was the best imaginable and everything else seems mediocre. I always just looked at the psychological aspects when trying to understand why I stayed in such a toxic relationship and became so addicted to this person who was just awful in every other way. Duh, maybe because dude was really hot. Like, really REALLY hot! Stupid hot. Guess he wasn't the only one who'd regressed to a shallow teenager.

BPD partners always talk about how great the sex was, and how gorgeous the person was...plus that charm! I guess I'm realizing more lately that had SO much to do with how long I stayed.

Which brings me to dating...

Gave it a go and this guy was SO clingy, suffocating, smothering AFTER I specifically told him I had to take it at a super slow pace and be friends first. It was kind of almost creepy. I was repulsed. I think this repulsion has something to do with being on the receiving end of sappy diatribes and constant dramatic displays of affection.

Anyway, I am SO annoyed by this guy! Is this me attracting psychos? Been with just ONE an now the flood gates to Hell are wide open (honestly, who the hell has to spend every waking moment by your side, doting over you, after 2 dates and still doesn't chill after you tell them 5x)? Am I redirecting old feelings of anger from XABF to this poor guy? Are guys THAT clingy and smothering just THAT annoying?

Anyone else have a freak-out first time you dated after A? I think I am going to just find a sugar daddy. No emotional complications, no neediness, and the money will help with the tremendous debt XABF left me in. Ah, just kidding but made this joke to a friend earlier. Maybe celibacy?
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:06 AM
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You just didn't stay with your A long enough - if you had, the sex would have faded. As tend to have... Performance issues... I'm the wrong person to ask about sex with the A since that in my marriage turned into one of the abusive areas. Actually, one of the first moments of sheer joy for me after I left was when I realized he would never be forcing me to have sex against my will again.

As for new dude? Dude, anyone who after two dates is clingy would freak me out, too. He's needy and clingy, that has nothing to do with you. I'd probably tell him I didn't want to see him again, but that's just me. I can't see wasting time with people I don't like anymore.

I notice it's sometimes hard for me, post alcoholic marriage, to know which of my reactions are legit gut feelings about others that I need to listen to, and which are negative self-talk. For example - one guy who was hitting on me post-divorce creeped me out. I never could figure out whether he was really creepy or whether I was just seeing one or two things that reminded me of AXH and extrapolated a future of alcoholism and abuse without really having grounds for it.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:09 AM
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There is simply no doubt that the power of chemical attraction and a strong physical relationship has great power to keep a toxic relationship in play long after it should have been snuffed out.

Learning how to balance our rational thinking brain along with our hormones and emotions when evaluating potential partners is a process that should be but often is far from healthy.
Basing lifetime decisions on emotions and physical attraction alone is a bad decision that contributes to a culture that is adrift with failed marriages that outnumber those who stay together (many of them unhappy).

This is why it is suggested by many that it is unwise to start dating for a significant period of time after a break up with an A. Allowing time to heal, grow in true recovery makes for better odds of making better choices and being a better partner when you do enter into a relationship.

Yes... some of us have been "weirdo or drunk magnets" and there is some sixth sense that draws us together into the madness that is the alcoholic/codependent relationship with that gorgeous guy across the room that exudes charm and drips "hotness" and sexual energy.

There are great guys out there that have their heads and lives together but they usually are not the life the party or have the body of a greek statue and many of us were addicted to drama and electricity of "Mr Hotness and trouble with a capital T!

Some of us got better... if you are one of "us" you can get better by counseling and if you are a natural codie can hang out with others at alanon meetings.

Thanks for sharing... I definately can relate and also cannot stand a clingy guy... I always preferred the suave elusive one that was a "challenge" ...lol
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:17 AM
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Hit post too soon. Anyway - for me, it didn't matter. I'm old as dirt but I wasn't going to take chances. I didn't worry about being alone because being alone sounded one heckuva lot better than being with the wrong person. And clearly, my picker was off.

I had thoughts similar to yours: I was going to have lots of friends, maybe some with benefits, but romantic involvement, I was going to avoid.

It didn't turn out that way. I am involved, with a guy I've known since childhood. And even so, even though I know this guy inside and out (and he knows me just as well), I panic at times. I sort of wait for and expect something awful to rear its ugly head in the relationship. I've wondered if he's really just after my money (which, if you saw my savings account, would make him an idiot!). I've worried that hes hiding mental illness and alcoholism (for 30 years?). I've worried that once we move in together, all these evil sides to him will come out and I'll be trapped again...

But so far, he is a good egg. We have fun together. I don't see any red flags. But even with someone I've known since childhood, I am ultra-cautious...
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:12 PM
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Part of my ex's charm was his looks and the physical attraction between us. It was hot and heavy until about the same time that I realized the extent of his drinking....then it became luke warm, then ice cold.

I am a little over a year out from divorce, 17 mths out from the start of the seperation and 21 months out from the begining of hte end. I am so afraid of the thought of my abilities in dating that I have decided that is not a good move until I have a little more confidence in my own abilities to trust myself.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:51 PM
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Well, my sex life with my aexh wasn't great. His other addiction was porn, which was the basis of our bedroom problems. Ya know how puzzling it is when As choose drinking over a collection of more valuable things... like their families, jobs, and lives generally... well, pornography addicts choose pictures over the real thing, and I don't get that either. And I wouldn't have been willing to live the rest of my life with it, no matter how much I loved him.

My only post divorce boyfriend preferred me, and what a fabulous experience that was. I have since then practiced a great deal of celibacy, and the best I can say is that it leaves me with so much creative energy that I can now practice playing music for hours a day. But it's like having some high quality ice cream when you're really craving a pizza... one thing can only be substituted for another for so long (except, apparently, to porn addicts, see paragraph A).

I admit I find myself terribly physically attracted to someone whom I believe to be a problem drinker, though I don't expect anything to result from it. It's less alcoholism, I think, than the fact that I like reserved men... nothing turns me off faster than a guy who dumps his emotions all over me (clinginess: AAAAARRRGHH!). But reserve can be a token of self discipline-- or it can result from emotional unavailability, and it's hard to tell until you're involved. It's worrisome that I know other men that I think are attractive, but the one I really want is the one who drinks too much. Yeah, he can keep alcohol around his house and not consume it, but still, hmm. If I go there and I get hurt, it's my fault, not his.

So I am not going to get drawn into physical entanglements, or any other kind, one hopes, with the charming problem drinker. But I, um, imagine it. A lot.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by nicam View Post
Which brings me to dating...

Gave it a go and this guy was SO clingy, suffocating, smothering AFTER I specifically told him I had to take it at a super slow pace and be friends first. It was kind of almost creepy. I was repulsed. I think this repulsion has something to do with being on the receiving end of sappy diatribes and constant dramatic displays of affection.
My resident teenagers describe that type of behavior as:

He is a Stage 5 Cling-on. Yuck!
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:54 PM
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My love life with my A at first was super hot. Lots of attraction and chemistry. However, as I started to realize that he may be an alcoholic, I started to create a boundary for myself. I would leave and go to my own place when his drinking started to impair him. He was never mean or abusive when drunk. I just couldn't stand watching him doing that to himself.

But then, of course, I had to move in with him! Then I COULDN'T leave, except to go into the other room. As the disease progressed, our love life started circling the drain. My A went from the functioning phase into the non-functioning phase and it was the most painful thing I've ever had to witness. He turned himself back into a 12-year-old boy by just drinking. His emotional maturity was that of a 12-year-old, at best. He was (is?) OCD about exercise but yet wasn't eating because alcohol replaced the need for food. Plus, I don't think he was digesting food very well by that point, either. Not only did he have a 12-year-old mentality, he also literally looked like a 12-year-old boy because he was just skin (jaundicing skin, at that) and bones. Seeing him lie next to me in bed absolutely freaked me out at times. Needless to say, I couldn't even bring myself to be with him, although he let me off the hook on that one because he'd drink until he passed out each night, anyway.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:20 PM
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I'd encourage you to consider...

Originally Posted by nicam View Post
Is this me attracting psychos?
...that it may be that you are attracted TO psychos. I always thought psycho women were attracted to me until I figured out that it was actually the other way around. They were attracted to me because I was attracted to them and when that happens they know they have a live one.

As for that specific guy? Needy and smothering is needy and smothering. And he disrespected your boundary. You don't need to know anything more than that. Move him on. Or just marry him and go for another ride.

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Old 01-13-2012, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
You just didn't stay with your A long enough - if you had, the sex would have faded. As tend to have... Performance issues... I'm the wrong person to ask about sex with the A since that in my marriage turned into one of the abusive areas. Actually, one of the first moments of sheer joy for me after I left was when I realized he would never be forcing me to have sex against my will again.

As for new dude? Dude, anyone who after two dates is clingy would freak me out, too. He's needy and clingy, that has nothing to do with you. I'd probably tell him I didn't want to see him again, but that's just me. I can't see wasting time with people I don't like anymore.

I notice it's sometimes hard for me, post alcoholic marriage, to know which of my reactions are legit gut feelings about others that I need to listen to, and which are negative self-talk. For example - one guy who was hitting on me post-divorce creeped me out. I never could figure out whether he was really creepy or whether I was just seeing one or two things that reminded me of AXH and extrapolated a future of alcoholism and abuse without really having grounds for it.

Hit post too soon. Anyway - for me, it didn't matter. I'm old as dirt but I wasn't going to take chances. I didn't worry about being alone because being alone sounded one heckuva lot better than being with the wrong person. And clearly, my picker was off.

I had thoughts similar to yours: I was going to have lots of friends, maybe some with benefits, but romantic involvement, I was going to avoid.

It didn't turn out that way. I am involved, with a guy I've known since childhood. And even so, even though I know this guy inside and out (and he knows me just as well), I panic at times. I sort of wait for and expect something awful to rear its ugly head in the relationship. I've wondered if he's really just after my money (which, if you saw my savings account, would make him an idiot!). I've worried that hes hiding mental illness and alcoholism (for 30 years?). I've worried that once we move in together, all these evil sides to him will come out and I'll be trapped again...

But so far, he is a good egg. We have fun together. I don't see any red flags. But even with someone I've known since childhood, I am ultra-cautious...
Yes, yes, and yes! To all of it. Glad you ended up with a "good egg," that's the way it should be. I missed just having fun and being carefree when I was with XABF. We all know fun eventually goes out the window in these relationships.

Thanks, everyone. Lots of great stuff here. Guess I'm not ready to date, for the romantic emotional connection involved. Really have no business doing so until I'm recovered anyway.

And yeah, people that are clingy seem to set off all the right alarms. Even if they don't have any vices.
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