Brother Discovered More Of Fathers Hiding Booze.
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Brother Discovered More Of Fathers Hiding Booze.
Well this morning my brother woke me up as my parents were out, my dad was visiting his mother and our mother was out doing errands. Well I am woken up to bad news of my brother finding more cans of empty beer. We know it was recent because when my brother found our dad's new hiding spot it was empty last time my brother looked so we know it was recent with his drinking. And I still smell the scent of beer on my fathers breath.
So I guess I'm just a little disappointed in all this because after all I have done to my mother this past summer of 2011 you'd think he wouldn't go and do this to her now. My brother is getting fed up with this lying. And we noticed how he has been treating her. Let's just say it's really testing my mothers limits. This past week she has been sleeping in the guest room. And recently she has brought our 2nd dog's dog bed into the room she's sleeping in. She's really mad at him but never expresses it to us because obviously it's not our business but we know well they are fighting. Heck, that night I went on my date they argued about me doing something with this girl after the movie. My father didn't want to stay out late but wouldn't admit to saying that but just saying "we'll play things out first see what happens." Ended up doing my extra activity with this girl... parents drove us to the movies and went to another movie same time.
But that night before everything they argued about the plans. They have argued about everything so far. They even argued about going on vacation together, my father doesn't want to. Not even for their 30th anniversary this year. But go figure he never treats my brother or I badly, he can be yelling at our mother then when he sees us he's all cheery.
Anyways my brother is going to talk to our mother about it and even has taken the 12 cans he discovered to hold for evidence even if my father notices the cans gone. it'll be the only way he'll admit he's drinking once again. My brother mentioned our father hasn't gotten a chip for awhile now and hasn't spoken of it. He always did when he got them. I know how the chip system even works. And even if he has reached near a year the system he goes to is 24 hr, 1 month, 2, 3, 6, 9 and 1 year. I've been living here for 4 months and nothing yet. Nor does he speak of his sponsor and alot of the time he doesn't go to his home group meeting and one time a member of his asked me whether he found another group or is he still in theirs because they barely see him. So I don't need all this to prove he is drinking. Just signs showing he isn't using the program.
So my brother is going to figure out when the time will be when he talks to our mother about this. He's not changing his mind about telling her, he wants to. And I feel if our father wants to live a normal life he's going to have to come out clean and not keep lying to himself, to us and AA. If he chooses to drink my mother specifically said she's done and she'll leave and theres nothing I can do to stop him, stop my brother as well. I still focus on my program and I'm so relieved its not me this time around. I am so grateful today for being sober. All the troubles I caused for being an alcoholic were so great that she didn't want to deal with me anymore and this is MY last chance as well and he goes and points at me for my causes of issues. I get pestered sometimes I don't get to use my own money and he says "YOU know WHY." then grumbles. Well I've been keeping sober and I've had cash on hand many times so far. I'm not into wanting to drink again. But he looks at my issues and not his. I hope he does something and quits again because he is becoming ugly once again when drinking and gets annoyed easily at our mother. He gets enraged when she mentions or asks how he's doing without drinking and he says right away "End of discussion" and if she pushes he gets very rude at her....
So I guess I'm just a little disappointed in all this because after all I have done to my mother this past summer of 2011 you'd think he wouldn't go and do this to her now. My brother is getting fed up with this lying. And we noticed how he has been treating her. Let's just say it's really testing my mothers limits. This past week she has been sleeping in the guest room. And recently she has brought our 2nd dog's dog bed into the room she's sleeping in. She's really mad at him but never expresses it to us because obviously it's not our business but we know well they are fighting. Heck, that night I went on my date they argued about me doing something with this girl after the movie. My father didn't want to stay out late but wouldn't admit to saying that but just saying "we'll play things out first see what happens." Ended up doing my extra activity with this girl... parents drove us to the movies and went to another movie same time.
But that night before everything they argued about the plans. They have argued about everything so far. They even argued about going on vacation together, my father doesn't want to. Not even for their 30th anniversary this year. But go figure he never treats my brother or I badly, he can be yelling at our mother then when he sees us he's all cheery.
Anyways my brother is going to talk to our mother about it and even has taken the 12 cans he discovered to hold for evidence even if my father notices the cans gone. it'll be the only way he'll admit he's drinking once again. My brother mentioned our father hasn't gotten a chip for awhile now and hasn't spoken of it. He always did when he got them. I know how the chip system even works. And even if he has reached near a year the system he goes to is 24 hr, 1 month, 2, 3, 6, 9 and 1 year. I've been living here for 4 months and nothing yet. Nor does he speak of his sponsor and alot of the time he doesn't go to his home group meeting and one time a member of his asked me whether he found another group or is he still in theirs because they barely see him. So I don't need all this to prove he is drinking. Just signs showing he isn't using the program.
So my brother is going to figure out when the time will be when he talks to our mother about this. He's not changing his mind about telling her, he wants to. And I feel if our father wants to live a normal life he's going to have to come out clean and not keep lying to himself, to us and AA. If he chooses to drink my mother specifically said she's done and she'll leave and theres nothing I can do to stop him, stop my brother as well. I still focus on my program and I'm so relieved its not me this time around. I am so grateful today for being sober. All the troubles I caused for being an alcoholic were so great that she didn't want to deal with me anymore and this is MY last chance as well and he goes and points at me for my causes of issues. I get pestered sometimes I don't get to use my own money and he says "YOU know WHY." then grumbles. Well I've been keeping sober and I've had cash on hand many times so far. I'm not into wanting to drink again. But he looks at my issues and not his. I hope he does something and quits again because he is becoming ugly once again when drinking and gets annoyed easily at our mother. He gets enraged when she mentions or asks how he's doing without drinking and he says right away "End of discussion" and if she pushes he gets very rude at her....
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
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I dont know the backstory..but you sound like you're out for revenge to me. Other than your choice to live there, how is his drinking really anyone's business? I'm assuming he is an adult able to make his own good and bad choices, and frankly those around him can decide to live with or without it. Also sounds like he's been involved in recovery on some level, he should have the tools he needs to ask for help if he wants it. I'm sure the natural consequences of this will catch up to him without the tattletailing..just my opinion.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
So I guess I'm just a little disappointed in all this because after all I have done to my mother this past summer of 2011 you'd think he wouldn't go and do this to her now.
You sound very young and so does your brother.
Please stay out of your parents marriage,
Please stop taking everyone else's inventory, stop and do your own.
counting your father's chips, or lack thereof, or looking for hiding places for beer cans is not healthy for either of you.
If possible take yourself and your brother, and your mother if she would like to go to an Alanon meeting.
Live your own life.
Beth
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
OP, what outcome are you hoping for here? It seems to me like you are trying to control the situation. You cannot expect your actions, interventions, threats, etc., to have any effect whatsoever on your father's drinking.
Try to do what YOU need to do to enjoy your life and care for yourself. Try and do what people your age are supposed to be doing. And remember the 3 C's.
Try to do what YOU need to do to enjoy your life and care for yourself. Try and do what people your age are supposed to be doing. And remember the 3 C's.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
While I agree that the relationships are obviously not healthy at this point the OP states the information and proof their father is drinking was given to him by his brother whom we know nothing about.
From what I gather the father made commitments regarding sobriety to the family and is lying about his program of recovery and is closet drinking and that has been affecting the entire family.
The problem now is that the cans have been found and how and why and how unhealthy it may have been for his brother to "snoop" is only a subplot to the main story of the deception and that the recovery of the dad has broken down.
Personally I believe and have experienced that intervention or even a seperation or divorce can be a catalyst for real change or it reveals how remote real change and recovery might be the alcoholic. It is a litmus test so to speak... putting a legal line in the sand that spells out exactly what is required to put a marraige back together puts an end to all the turmoil in many cases.
As the wife of what used to be one of the best sneak drinkers on the planet I know the deep frustration of trying to deal with someone who lies about their recovery but has a bottle of vodka stashed.
There is no "clean" way to resolve this issue now ... its a mess. Dad is lying, Mom is miserable, one kid is already battling his own addiction issues and is in recovery and brother number two is probably just like some of "us" and wants to rescue everyone!
Alanon, alanon, alanon for all... good family counselor who knows addiction and maybe an interventionist. No More Letting Go by Debra Jay and Redemptive Divorce and Codependent No More by Beattie are all good titles.
There are struggling kids involved and I don't care that they are teens... they need to be protected and can't be expected to be "healthy" at their age in a toxic alcoholic home ... I think they need to tell mom about the alcohol. More secrets are just not good... sigh.... so sad.
From what I gather the father made commitments regarding sobriety to the family and is lying about his program of recovery and is closet drinking and that has been affecting the entire family.
The problem now is that the cans have been found and how and why and how unhealthy it may have been for his brother to "snoop" is only a subplot to the main story of the deception and that the recovery of the dad has broken down.
Personally I believe and have experienced that intervention or even a seperation or divorce can be a catalyst for real change or it reveals how remote real change and recovery might be the alcoholic. It is a litmus test so to speak... putting a legal line in the sand that spells out exactly what is required to put a marraige back together puts an end to all the turmoil in many cases.
As the wife of what used to be one of the best sneak drinkers on the planet I know the deep frustration of trying to deal with someone who lies about their recovery but has a bottle of vodka stashed.
There is no "clean" way to resolve this issue now ... its a mess. Dad is lying, Mom is miserable, one kid is already battling his own addiction issues and is in recovery and brother number two is probably just like some of "us" and wants to rescue everyone!
Alanon, alanon, alanon for all... good family counselor who knows addiction and maybe an interventionist. No More Letting Go by Debra Jay and Redemptive Divorce and Codependent No More by Beattie are all good titles.
There are struggling kids involved and I don't care that they are teens... they need to be protected and can't be expected to be "healthy" at their age in a toxic alcoholic home ... I think they need to tell mom about the alcohol. More secrets are just not good... sigh.... so sad.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
I guess if you were going to tell your mom you might wanna be sure that your doing it because you have a strong feeling that lying about ones commitments is wrong, or that you feel like by knowing the truth and not sharing it you are collaborating in deceiving your mom. Lying addicts, alcoholics, and serial cheaters put people in that horrible ethical position a lot 
I wouldn't really expect a great outcome, and I would prepare for the worst - ie, get ready to put distance between you and dad and mom after you and your brother "drop the bomb." It's their information to deal with then.
I wouldn't really expect a great outcome, and I would prepare for the worst - ie, get ready to put distance between you and dad and mom after you and your brother "drop the bomb." It's their information to deal with then.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
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Originally Posted by smacked 
I dont know the backstory..but you sound like you're out for revenge to me. Other than your choice to live there, how is his drinking really anyone's business? I'm assuming he is an adult able to make his own good and bad choices, and frankly those around him can decide to live with or without it. Also sounds like he's been involved in recovery on some level, he should have the tools he needs to ask for help if he wants it. I'm sure the natural consequences of this will catch up to him without the tattletailing..just my opinion.
AS I was told... Ican't control his drinking. I know that! Telling on him won't solve anything. But I can't also control what my brother is going to do! I've already talked him out of it once 2 months ago. Now he feels he would like to, no he isn't in Alanon. But hey he's tired of me and my father hurting our mother mentally this way so I'm stepping aside and said do what you want your 25 years old you can do what feels right but I'm not getting involved because of what I've been suggested this whole time. Sorry but i had a bad day today and to read what you wrote insulted me a bit. I now know the whole we have our good days and bad days. I was a bit over confident I'd be happy every day. today was bad. and what you said made me worse... not to drink no... heck no. Still refuse to pick up again.
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Originally Posted by wicked
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I was trying to remember a time when I thought to myself "maybe I shouldnt be such a useless drunken asshat because my husband was bad with his drinking last summer and upset the kids. Well, I don't give a damn, I am gonna drink."
You sound very young and so does your brother.
Please stay out of your parents marriage,
Please stop taking everyone else's inventory, stop and do your own.
counting your father's chips, or lack thereof, or looking for hiding places for beer cans is not healthy for either of you.
If possible take yourself and your brother, and your mother if she would like to go to an Alanon meeting.
Live your own life.
Beth
You sound very young and so does your brother.
Please stay out of your parents marriage,
Please stop taking everyone else's inventory, stop and do your own.
counting your father's chips, or lack thereof, or looking for hiding places for beer cans is not healthy for either of you.
If possible take yourself and your brother, and your mother if she would like to go to an Alanon meeting.
Live your own life.
Beth
I DIDN"T Look for cans! It was my brother this whole time! I'm NOT taking his inventory! I didn't count up the chips he hasn't been getting. ALL my brother who isn't in a program I've tried to tell him this! God if I keep reading more responses being aimed at ME then I'm requesting a delete. I don't need this pointing at me! I LIVE my own life! errr I can't say anymore because I'm gonna throw my keyboard down and storm away..............
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***** this I ain't dealing with this right now. I'm going to a meeting and consulting my sponsor, you all don't need to jump on me for this *****. I didn't look for cans, I'm not trying to control him, I'm not "telling" on him. It's my brother. you all need to read more carefully and possibly keep track of me in my blogs and posts. im through. it's a site not aa and your all not my sponsor. i'm very angry right now. bye
Last edited by DesertEyes; 01-12-2012 at 04:52 PM.
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Location: Kansas
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Ojibway, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post last night, but I remember thinking it was terrific that you have your own program of recovery. Congratulations on your sobriety.
I too get frustrated when people don't take the the time to read a post, but it does happen. I have no control over that.
How long have you been sober? I started sponsoring a new gal yesterday and I'm always glad to be of service to others in AA.
I too get frustrated when people don't take the the time to read a post, but it does happen. I have no control over that.
How long have you been sober? I started sponsoring a new gal yesterday and I'm always glad to be of service to others in AA.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am very sorry for self righteous, know-it-all answer.
Especially since I am the oldest of four ACoA's.
I know how mad and confused I was as a 12 year old practically running the house, with two parents who had checked out one way or another.
Again, my apologies for my thoughtless reply.
Beth
Freedom, I am in need of a sponsor.
Especially since I am the oldest of four ACoA's.
I know how mad and confused I was as a 12 year old practically running the house, with two parents who had checked out one way or another.
Again, my apologies for my thoughtless reply.
Beth
Freedom, I am in need of a sponsor.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
From the mouth of babe's. Smacked, no offense but I hope you learn something from this. As a mother of two teens, how is it that you think this teenager has a choice in their circumstance...and can leave if they want? Come on. This is not an easy situation to be in, give the teen a break.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
He's 27 years old.
Theoji, I read your original post many times before I posted my response. I apologize for upsetting you. I am an addict, an alcoholic, I was raised by several, and had relationships with a few. I get how angry you are about the situation, but I guess my point was, you can't control it. I read into your post when you said "at least its not me this time" like you were looking forward to your dad getting "busted". It's a messy situation, and like I prefaced before, I don't know the whole story, I dont know why you live there. I assume at your age you have a choice whether or not to live with active addiction. However it turns out, protect your own serenity first. I hope your sponsor gave you some good support.
Theoji, I read your original post many times before I posted my response. I apologize for upsetting you. I am an addict, an alcoholic, I was raised by several, and had relationships with a few. I get how angry you are about the situation, but I guess my point was, you can't control it. I read into your post when you said "at least its not me this time" like you were looking forward to your dad getting "busted". It's a messy situation, and like I prefaced before, I don't know the whole story, I dont know why you live there. I assume at your age you have a choice whether or not to live with active addiction. However it turns out, protect your own serenity first. I hope your sponsor gave you some good support.
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I owe you all an apology. I'm very sorry right now. It just got to me. And "Smacked" ... again.... I wasn't out for revenge. I guess I should have been more clear, what I meant by glad it's not me this time was for the fact that I was always letting my parents down with promising not to drink. I told my sponsor this tonight after venting and after my meeting... which by the way calmed me down and I realized I lashed out too soon. I'm sorry you all. Your my friends who are trying to help. I guess I need to think what I'm saying and how I say it. I care for my fathers well being and and I know as a fact that I can't stop him. But I have to focus on my own program as I have been doing for 4 months now. It's too bad but as you said before "Smacked" at least he's getting some sort of recovery and as my sponsor said tonight. Maybe my brother should talk to him one on one about it and maybe it'll release a burden on my father to admit he's doing it again and maybe he'll get more help.Again you're all good people and the messages caught me a bad time because someone at work got to me today and my guard was down. So I'm sorry. I hope you all don't feel bad
Smacked? Is that you in the photo? Your cute 
lol if you don't mind me saying.Everyone... thanks. At least I got to my meeting and when I got out I was like "Oh my god what have I said back there?!" Had to apologize. hugs to you all
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One other thing "Smacked" I live here because I had to. I was on my own for 5 months and for that time I was drinking my face off every other week and sometimes straight. My parents asked me to move back in with promise of no alcohol in the house since my father is in AA too. They don't trust me for good reason, so Im under house rules and money taken away. Just found out tonight that the money my mother has saved for me is over 2 thousand dollars.... an amount I could not have saved on my own due to drinking. I moved out with 1,500 only to waste it all on booze. They want me to get a year of being sobered or more before I can move out again. I don't want to move out yet because I don't feel ready yet. I'm only 4 months now.... which is an accomplishment since I haven't even obtained a month while on my own. Your a good person trying to help me really and I was in a bad mood and I say sorry again.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Ojibway, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post last night, but I remember thinking it was terrific that you have your own program of recovery. Congratulations on your sobriety.
I too get frustrated when people don't take the the time to read a post, but it does happen. I have no control over that.
How long have you been sober? I started sponsoring a new gal yesterday and I'm always glad to be of service to others in AA.
I too get frustrated when people don't take the the time to read a post, but it does happen. I have no control over that.
How long have you been sober? I started sponsoring a new gal yesterday and I'm always glad to be of service to others in AA.
I'm 4 months sober now an accomplishment since I was on my own for 5 months and that whole time I was drinking and never even had 1 month of being sober. So yeah I'm an alcoholic who lives with an alcoholic recovering dad as well. I almost forgot this isn't the alcoholics section lol.
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Good for you on 4 months! I can appreciate what a huge accomplishment that is.
No worries about this not being the "alcoholics section."
Many of us here at friends and family are double winners...Alanon and AA both.
I hope you continue to post.
No worries about this not being the "alcoholics section."
Many of us here at friends and family are double winners...Alanon and AA both.
I hope you continue to post.
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thanks. I am very happy to hear you reply FreeDom1990. Thats a cute banner you have
Are those pictures of recent pets of yours? Alive or passed? Anyway I gotta go make breakfast. Todays a new day I'm focused on now so Ican start fresh once again and be mindful how I act towards an opinion later my friend and thanks. ps. how do you do the hug symbol? lol
Are those pictures of recent pets of yours? Alive or passed? Anyway I gotta go make breakfast. Todays a new day I'm focused on now so Ican start fresh once again and be mindful how I act towards an opinion
later my friend and thanks. ps. how do you do the hug symbol? lol
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Originally Posted by TheOjibway84
thanks. I am very happy to hear you reply FreeDom1990. Thats a cute banner you have
Are those pictures of recent pets of yours? Alive or passed?
Are those pictures of recent pets of yours? Alive or passed?
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