Joanie

last night. He slept in the car. His stuff is still in the house, and he called this morning, drunk of course, asking where the car keys were. He was convinced I went out looking for him, found him, snuck in the car while he was sleeping, and stole the keys.
I can't do this anymore, and it breaks my heart to let him go. I wish I could be strong, I wish I could not wonder where he is, how he's going to get food, money, gas. Hoping he's not dead on the side of a road.
I have the house keys, the atm cards, the gas cards. He has car keys and 1/4 tank of gas. And the $50 he left the house with.
I know his life isn't going to get better until he admits he wants to get help again and sticks with it.
But it's almost harder to worry about the unknowns than it is to deal with drunken stupors.

dollydo

An addict does not worry about the unknowns, they live in the unknowns and manage.

Worrying and projecting into the future accomplishes nothing.

Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? I would suggest that you consider both.

He is an adult, allow him the dignity to resolve his issue on his own terms, his own timeframe.

In the meantime, work on you, get yourself healthy.

Sorry that you are in pain, with recovery...this too will pass.

Joanie

I know, I guess it's cause the addict has that to numb him from the unknowns.
I have been going to alanon meetings for a couple months, read co-dependant no more when I am waffling.
This relapse is tearing me apart, and I've never had the balls to ever stand up and say no more until last night. I was at peace with it last night, but tonight it's just hard.

suki44883

He's a grown man, not a seven year old kid. If he's hungry, he'll find a way to eat. If he's cold, he'll find a way to get warm. Worry is wasted emotion, especially when it's worry about something over which you have no control. If he gets miserable enough, he might realize that his own bad choices put him where he is, and decide to get some help. Nothing you say or do will make that occur, and enabling him with a warm bed, food, and shelter only gets in the way of him facing the consequences of his bad choices.

Hang in there and find something to occupy yourself so you don't just sit and think about how he is. I can guarantee you that wherever he is, he isn't thinking about how you are doing.

neferkamichael

Joanie, you take care of yourself. You cant help but be hurt when someone you care about is in trouble. If you give him anything you will just enable him to keep using.

Pelican

You did the right thing for you and for him.
You have given yourself an exit from the drama.
You have given him the dignity of finding his own way.


You mentioned that you had his ATM card.
A word of caution:
If he is listed on any accounts, he can walk into a branch and access funds still without an ATM card.
If the card was issued in his name, he can walk into a branch and report the card stolen/lost and have a new card issued to another address (my A rented a Post Office Box to get access to bank cards)

If you are primary account holder on any bank accounts or credit cards that have him listed as a permissive user, I encourage you to have his name taken off the accounts - immediately. (based on personal experience)

worried72

Best to you. Hoping you find some peace.
L.

nicam

This helped me a little through those tough times. I'd think of how he wasn't sitting there worrying about ME. He was out getting drunk and chasing girls. Hell, I could be bleeding to death in a gutter in front of a liquor store and he'd step right over me and head right to the vodka aisle without thinking twice.

Be glad you have all the money, etc. He will be back, be prepared.

nodaybut2day

Mine would undoubtedly stop to let me know how whatever was happening was my fault, and kick me on the way out the liquor store.

Joanie

THIS.

He called today. Was out of gas and needed a shower. I said we could talk. The talk lasted less than 5 min. He said he didn't understand why I would kick him out of our home. I said because you broke your promises. To me and to your sponsor. His response was that the promises to me were not as important as the promises he made to those that came before me. And how it was all my fault. I grabbed my coat, walked into the house and locked the door. He walked away before I could take 10 steps into the living room.

It made me sad, like I should have given him a chance to talk. But, I don't have to listen to him blame me anymore. I don't deserve that. And none of this is my fault. I paid for rehab. I supported his recovery. And he relapsed immediately.

Slowly, it's starting to make sense in my heart and my head.

And to the poster that suggested I take him off my accounts, luckily I have never added him to any. The ATM card I have is his sole account. But you are right he could go to a branch and get a new one, oh well, if he does that's on him too.

blwninthewind

It's always everyone elses fault.

these are hallmark signs of an Alcoholic.

It IS sad. but we can't save them. He has the tools to save himself but he is choosing not to use them.

Pray for him. Pray for you... but don't let him back in.

SoaringSpirits

Hang in there, stay strong, don't let him back in.
He will figure out where to go.
For you it will get easier with time. There is peace ahead -- stay strong.

FindingJoy

Lord I was in a similar spot not too long ago...it's heart wrenching. Especially knowing that he's not feeling a damn thing expect for perhaps himself.
You did the right thing and often the right thing seems ten times harder.

Some positive distractions I've used in the last 3 weeks (since leaving my RExAB):

Reading lots of reading
Working out
Massages
Work
This forum
Talking to my wonderful friends including my self ;-)