asked her to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
asked her to leave
I apologize if this is long and rambling.
My younger sister - also has an alcohol problem - recently called me from out of state to let me know that her "fiance" had hit her, choked her, etc, was in jail, and she had loaded her car with her animals and things and was coming back to stay with parents.
So I extended an offer for her to stay with me and my partner because I am in the city and closer to things and I wanted to help too.
I am still new to sobriety and recovery, this is the best and truest effort I've made to turn my life around. I had my own issues with my partner in the past for some drug and sex related and general him being a jerk things and recently over some pain pills he was abusing and whatnot, so my life is far from smooth going.
The first week was ok. She had been at my parents house and said she wanted to leave some things here and stay for a bit, which turned into moving most her stuff here, including the two dogs. I told her I didn't mind if she drank, so long as there was no alcohol here, and that was that. Said if she needed the dogs fed while she was at work, I'd give them food. Walk them if I had the time.
She went out a bit in the evening but was back at a reasonable time, she was pretty friendly, we talked and I tried to be supportive. Then she told me she wasn't pressing charges on the guy, he had been emailing her, they'd been talking, and he was out of jail and on his way back. I didn't criticize her, I just asked her if she was being safe, not to let him know where I lived, and I said I understood her feelings for him despite everything.
Well, she started sneaking around the second week, my partner was frustrated by the dogs making noise while he was studying for his masters program, and he wanted me to ask her to leave for a day or two with them - she was coming back from work, walking them, and then leaving for the night and not letting us know where she was going, when she'd be back - a common thing to say was "i'm going out for just a little bit with a friend" -
Well, it made things weird in the house. I was standing up for her to my partner while we argued, she was badmouthing him, saying it'd be nice if he just left so she could move in, and I don't know. It was hard, because he and I have problems and so my loyalties were split.
She finally let me know she was seeing the abuser again (my mom told me first, actually). I expressed concern, but said that whatever she chose to do, I hoped she would continue to be safe, to feel she could reach out to me if it got bad again. It was hard to not be controlling but I wasn't.
She continued to use our place as a boarding house for the dogs - coming and going spending the night out, coming back to walk them after work, before work smelling like alcohol, called off once or twice - and pretty much just not being here otherwise, being secretive and distant. It was hard not to feel used in that respect. After all, I didn't agree to watch her dogs. I thought she'd be doing that when she wasn't at work. I couldn't let them sit in the crate all evening and bark at each other.
She also criticized the condition of the house quite a bit - it is very messy, but we were letting her stay here for free. . . - and said she didn't like my partner, thought he was an a**, and so on. Given what was going on with my partner and I it was weird trying to deal with this, I couldn't tell if she was concerned for me or being manipulative.
When my partner left for the holiday to be with his family, I did confront her about the constant being out and I asked her if she could try to be here more in the evening to watch the dogs, or at least take them with her. She became angry with me and criticized me - saying she didn't know how I could live like I do (I am on SSDI, sober, and not working and was on break from school, so my life wasn't exactly busy or thrilling), accusing me of being lonely since my partner was away and being mad she wasn't hanging out with me and so therefore attacking her and so on. She even said she'd be here more often but she couldn't bring her abuser in the house (I don't want him around me, in my home, but I don't tell her not to see him, I think it is a fair boundary). I then asked her to please leave my room as she was becoming loud and upsetting me. She got angry and accused me of trying to control the conversation but left. I was really hurt by this, to say the least. Her attacks on me were very sharp and dug at my insecurities around being without work, on SSDI, sort of not having much of a life since I am in recovery and rebuilding. . . so yeah. I mean, I never would beg her to hang out with me. I just wanted the best for her, for her to get better and heal. And also be responsible for her animals while staying here and be respectful in terms of coming and going!
The next day I was prepared to ask her to leave after disrespecting me. I also found a bottle of wine in her laptop bag in the house. Honestly not surprised she brought in alcohol. When I confronted her with how I felt hurt and disrespected and how things had to change with the dogs - because I didn't want to ask her to go, but I would have to if she continued to be disrespectful, that I loved her, etc . . . she apologized and admitted to being unreasonable and to not fully being responsible for her animals because she was spending all her time with the abuser. She felt pressured for time by him and she didn't feel comfortable in our house and she didn't think my partner liked her and she has no privacy and so on. I told her if he had no problems with her - she's here after all - and he isn't always that friendly, he can be shy too, but he cares about her enough to extend the invite for her to be here - and that I loved her and it was my fault for not setting better boundaries at first. . .
So I thought the problem might be solved.
Well, she signed a lease for beginning FEB, but has not saved up any money while being here or at my parents despite not paying anything to live in either place. I also found out my parents had similar problems with her being out all the time and doing the bare minimum for her dogs. (Short walks in the morning and the evening and then she goes out to the bar or to see the abuser or wherever, she's never honest about where she goes or how long she'll be out). I know that she has probably been spending a lot on alcohol - but that isn't my business. It's just sad because I know she's a good person with a big heart, also very smart and artistically talented - but when she drinks and runs around all the time she is a huge jerk. I also feel guilt because I have had to crash on her couch before when my chaotic drinking lifestyle put me in a bad situation, and I paid her back-due rent but I also brought home men from bars and all that so I am no shining example.
Anyway, nothing changed for her. She continued to be a bit of a ghost in the house, coming in and out to walk the dogs, come in the late hours of night or late the next morning leaving her dogs crated. Not letting us know where she was or when she'd be back or anything. Her dogs puked on the couch one day, pooped on the floor the next, we felt bad for them and tried to take them out morning where she wasn't back soon enough. . . they are good dogs and very sweet. She loves them but she is not responsible enough to have them. She also wasn't cleaning up after the dog accidents unless asked and even then she did a horrible job leaving some vomit and poop behind obviously irritated we asked, one time she asked that if we weren't going to walk them or watch them we should leave them in the crate so they don't have accidents.
I asked her to return her key two days ago saying that it wasn't working out and that my partner and I were going to be out of town for a week. I let her know she could go back to my parents and that I'd talked to them and they were cool with it.
Well, she got mad.
Heard reports from mom that she was screaming and hanging up on her saying she just needed someone in the family to help her out.
I felt really bad. . . like maybe I am being controlling? Or maybe I am being cold? But she is just. . . depressing. And not respectful. And I got myself in over my head. And I'm sad to see her making these really bad decisions again. I just don't know what to do because it seems like to open up my home to her is to open up myself to disrespect, criticism, and frustration. Also this has been a huge trigger and I lapsed so I got back into IOP treatment program . . . so yeah. I goofed up.
She's gone now but not communicating with me. I don't hate her, I feel immensely guilty if anything, like a disloyal coward that I kicked her out. But I know I didn't . . . I have her fair warning and tried to talk a few times. I mean, it's a real battle between my rational and emotional thinking.
I miss our relationship being close. But I realize it was only close when we were both living a very f'd up lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, and bad encounters with men. It's all really sad and I am becoming morbidly introspective and nostalgic.
Now she is communicating via my mom and dad to me about her mail and whatnot. I know she is mad at me, and I accept that this may likely be the end to us having a close relationship - I am going somewhere else in my life, and I just know I have to distance myself.
Highly disappointed, feeling low and guilty. I had to get this out there and share. I am considering writing an email to her to say that I love her and it wasn't working out here for all the reasons we spoke about before, but I still care for her and I will arrange for all her mail and things to be taken care of. . . . maybe saying if she wants to come back before she moves to her new place she can but there will be rules about the dogs?? Maybe I'm being foolish. I just feel like this is the final nail in the coffin to the old days of us being close friends.
My younger sister - also has an alcohol problem - recently called me from out of state to let me know that her "fiance" had hit her, choked her, etc, was in jail, and she had loaded her car with her animals and things and was coming back to stay with parents.
So I extended an offer for her to stay with me and my partner because I am in the city and closer to things and I wanted to help too.
I am still new to sobriety and recovery, this is the best and truest effort I've made to turn my life around. I had my own issues with my partner in the past for some drug and sex related and general him being a jerk things and recently over some pain pills he was abusing and whatnot, so my life is far from smooth going.
The first week was ok. She had been at my parents house and said she wanted to leave some things here and stay for a bit, which turned into moving most her stuff here, including the two dogs. I told her I didn't mind if she drank, so long as there was no alcohol here, and that was that. Said if she needed the dogs fed while she was at work, I'd give them food. Walk them if I had the time.
She went out a bit in the evening but was back at a reasonable time, she was pretty friendly, we talked and I tried to be supportive. Then she told me she wasn't pressing charges on the guy, he had been emailing her, they'd been talking, and he was out of jail and on his way back. I didn't criticize her, I just asked her if she was being safe, not to let him know where I lived, and I said I understood her feelings for him despite everything.
Well, she started sneaking around the second week, my partner was frustrated by the dogs making noise while he was studying for his masters program, and he wanted me to ask her to leave for a day or two with them - she was coming back from work, walking them, and then leaving for the night and not letting us know where she was going, when she'd be back - a common thing to say was "i'm going out for just a little bit with a friend" -
Well, it made things weird in the house. I was standing up for her to my partner while we argued, she was badmouthing him, saying it'd be nice if he just left so she could move in, and I don't know. It was hard, because he and I have problems and so my loyalties were split.
She finally let me know she was seeing the abuser again (my mom told me first, actually). I expressed concern, but said that whatever she chose to do, I hoped she would continue to be safe, to feel she could reach out to me if it got bad again. It was hard to not be controlling but I wasn't.
She continued to use our place as a boarding house for the dogs - coming and going spending the night out, coming back to walk them after work, before work smelling like alcohol, called off once or twice - and pretty much just not being here otherwise, being secretive and distant. It was hard not to feel used in that respect. After all, I didn't agree to watch her dogs. I thought she'd be doing that when she wasn't at work. I couldn't let them sit in the crate all evening and bark at each other.
She also criticized the condition of the house quite a bit - it is very messy, but we were letting her stay here for free. . . - and said she didn't like my partner, thought he was an a**, and so on. Given what was going on with my partner and I it was weird trying to deal with this, I couldn't tell if she was concerned for me or being manipulative.
When my partner left for the holiday to be with his family, I did confront her about the constant being out and I asked her if she could try to be here more in the evening to watch the dogs, or at least take them with her. She became angry with me and criticized me - saying she didn't know how I could live like I do (I am on SSDI, sober, and not working and was on break from school, so my life wasn't exactly busy or thrilling), accusing me of being lonely since my partner was away and being mad she wasn't hanging out with me and so therefore attacking her and so on. She even said she'd be here more often but she couldn't bring her abuser in the house (I don't want him around me, in my home, but I don't tell her not to see him, I think it is a fair boundary). I then asked her to please leave my room as she was becoming loud and upsetting me. She got angry and accused me of trying to control the conversation but left. I was really hurt by this, to say the least. Her attacks on me were very sharp and dug at my insecurities around being without work, on SSDI, sort of not having much of a life since I am in recovery and rebuilding. . . so yeah. I mean, I never would beg her to hang out with me. I just wanted the best for her, for her to get better and heal. And also be responsible for her animals while staying here and be respectful in terms of coming and going!
The next day I was prepared to ask her to leave after disrespecting me. I also found a bottle of wine in her laptop bag in the house. Honestly not surprised she brought in alcohol. When I confronted her with how I felt hurt and disrespected and how things had to change with the dogs - because I didn't want to ask her to go, but I would have to if she continued to be disrespectful, that I loved her, etc . . . she apologized and admitted to being unreasonable and to not fully being responsible for her animals because she was spending all her time with the abuser. She felt pressured for time by him and she didn't feel comfortable in our house and she didn't think my partner liked her and she has no privacy and so on. I told her if he had no problems with her - she's here after all - and he isn't always that friendly, he can be shy too, but he cares about her enough to extend the invite for her to be here - and that I loved her and it was my fault for not setting better boundaries at first. . .
So I thought the problem might be solved.
Well, she signed a lease for beginning FEB, but has not saved up any money while being here or at my parents despite not paying anything to live in either place. I also found out my parents had similar problems with her being out all the time and doing the bare minimum for her dogs. (Short walks in the morning and the evening and then she goes out to the bar or to see the abuser or wherever, she's never honest about where she goes or how long she'll be out). I know that she has probably been spending a lot on alcohol - but that isn't my business. It's just sad because I know she's a good person with a big heart, also very smart and artistically talented - but when she drinks and runs around all the time she is a huge jerk. I also feel guilt because I have had to crash on her couch before when my chaotic drinking lifestyle put me in a bad situation, and I paid her back-due rent but I also brought home men from bars and all that so I am no shining example.
Anyway, nothing changed for her. She continued to be a bit of a ghost in the house, coming in and out to walk the dogs, come in the late hours of night or late the next morning leaving her dogs crated. Not letting us know where she was or when she'd be back or anything. Her dogs puked on the couch one day, pooped on the floor the next, we felt bad for them and tried to take them out morning where she wasn't back soon enough. . . they are good dogs and very sweet. She loves them but she is not responsible enough to have them. She also wasn't cleaning up after the dog accidents unless asked and even then she did a horrible job leaving some vomit and poop behind obviously irritated we asked, one time she asked that if we weren't going to walk them or watch them we should leave them in the crate so they don't have accidents.
I asked her to return her key two days ago saying that it wasn't working out and that my partner and I were going to be out of town for a week. I let her know she could go back to my parents and that I'd talked to them and they were cool with it.
Well, she got mad.
Heard reports from mom that she was screaming and hanging up on her saying she just needed someone in the family to help her out.
I felt really bad. . . like maybe I am being controlling? Or maybe I am being cold? But she is just. . . depressing. And not respectful. And I got myself in over my head. And I'm sad to see her making these really bad decisions again. I just don't know what to do because it seems like to open up my home to her is to open up myself to disrespect, criticism, and frustration. Also this has been a huge trigger and I lapsed so I got back into IOP treatment program . . . so yeah. I goofed up.
She's gone now but not communicating with me. I don't hate her, I feel immensely guilty if anything, like a disloyal coward that I kicked her out. But I know I didn't . . . I have her fair warning and tried to talk a few times. I mean, it's a real battle between my rational and emotional thinking.
I miss our relationship being close. But I realize it was only close when we were both living a very f'd up lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, and bad encounters with men. It's all really sad and I am becoming morbidly introspective and nostalgic.
Now she is communicating via my mom and dad to me about her mail and whatnot. I know she is mad at me, and I accept that this may likely be the end to us having a close relationship - I am going somewhere else in my life, and I just know I have to distance myself.
Highly disappointed, feeling low and guilty. I had to get this out there and share. I am considering writing an email to her to say that I love her and it wasn't working out here for all the reasons we spoke about before, but I still care for her and I will arrange for all her mail and things to be taken care of. . . . maybe saying if she wants to come back before she moves to her new place she can but there will be rules about the dogs?? Maybe I'm being foolish. I just feel like this is the final nail in the coffin to the old days of us being close friends.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Cat,
Glad you shared, so sorry for the anguish you are feeling. Obviously she is taking advantage of you and mistreating her pets, not a surprise give her level of disfunction.
You did not cause that disfunction and you cannot fix it, so you can go along with it or distance yourself from it. Being involved in it is going to ruin any chance you have at recovery and strain your relationship with your partner. You can love her from a distance, and as you know no amount of love will make her change.
You need to worry about you, work on you, care about you!
If you need to vent, need a shoulder, a hug, or some propping up, I will be here for you!
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Glad you shared, so sorry for the anguish you are feeling. Obviously she is taking advantage of you and mistreating her pets, not a surprise give her level of disfunction.
You did not cause that disfunction and you cannot fix it, so you can go along with it or distance yourself from it. Being involved in it is going to ruin any chance you have at recovery and strain your relationship with your partner. You can love her from a distance, and as you know no amount of love will make her change.
You need to worry about you, work on you, care about you!
If you need to vent, need a shoulder, a hug, or some propping up, I will be here for you!
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi cat,
Given the circumstances in your relationship with your sister, and your own life, it sounds as if you did the right thing. Often, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. And you'll hear a lot around here the question "Is this good for my recovery?" which is a good evaluation tool in situations like yours.
Addictions in relationships are complicated. Shoot, relationships are complicated! But one thing I know is that no matter how complicated my relationship with my own sister is, we still come back to each other because of that one common and very strong bond.
Take good care,
~T
Given the circumstances in your relationship with your sister, and your own life, it sounds as if you did the right thing. Often, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. And you'll hear a lot around here the question "Is this good for my recovery?" which is a good evaluation tool in situations like yours.
Addictions in relationships are complicated. Shoot, relationships are complicated! But one thing I know is that no matter how complicated my relationship with my own sister is, we still come back to each other because of that one common and very strong bond.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
Thanks Willy and Tuffgirl.
She is communicating with me through my mother to inquire about a package she had sent to my address. When I tried texting her I got a message back saying that the "subscriber is unavailable" - not sure if that means I'm blocked or not, however I know my dad pays her cellphone bill so it is in service.
I requested of my mother that she not be a go-between and direct my sister to contact me in some way about mail sent to my address. I also mentioned that my texts to her weren't going through. My mom did not answer me back.
I know she is incredibly mad at me for asking her to leave. She is probably thinking she has helped me out before and I wont do the same. However, I paid money both times I had stayed with her and her roommate(s) before - and we were all drinking and using ridiculously, living that crazy lifestyle, so there was no major conflict of living going on. I also did not have two dogs.
I am really sad to lose whatever relationship we had, and I am also sad because despite my parents initial show of understanding and support for my decision, it seems that they now feel very bad for her and I think they will probably withdrawal from me. I will become the "bad guy." Or that dynamic - with the anger she has toward me - will play out somehow. It sucks.
I guess I know that I made the best decision I am just said it played out like this.
I am trying to write her an email explaining why I asked her to leave, explaining that I didn't trust her alone in the apartment, the dog problem, etc - and to ask her to direct me on what to do with her mail - but I am stumbling on what to say and haven't sent anything. I don't even know if it's appropriate.
Afraid there is nothing I can do, and I really want to withdrawal from my family in general at this time.
She is communicating with me through my mother to inquire about a package she had sent to my address. When I tried texting her I got a message back saying that the "subscriber is unavailable" - not sure if that means I'm blocked or not, however I know my dad pays her cellphone bill so it is in service.
I requested of my mother that she not be a go-between and direct my sister to contact me in some way about mail sent to my address. I also mentioned that my texts to her weren't going through. My mom did not answer me back.
I know she is incredibly mad at me for asking her to leave. She is probably thinking she has helped me out before and I wont do the same. However, I paid money both times I had stayed with her and her roommate(s) before - and we were all drinking and using ridiculously, living that crazy lifestyle, so there was no major conflict of living going on. I also did not have two dogs.
I am really sad to lose whatever relationship we had, and I am also sad because despite my parents initial show of understanding and support for my decision, it seems that they now feel very bad for her and I think they will probably withdrawal from me. I will become the "bad guy." Or that dynamic - with the anger she has toward me - will play out somehow. It sucks.
I guess I know that I made the best decision I am just said it played out like this.
I am trying to write her an email explaining why I asked her to leave, explaining that I didn't trust her alone in the apartment, the dog problem, etc - and to ask her to direct me on what to do with her mail - but I am stumbling on what to say and haven't sent anything. I don't even know if it's appropriate.
Afraid there is nothing I can do, and I really want to withdrawal from my family in general at this time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
You know when we are hurting sometimes we just have to crawl away and lick our wounds, but, you don't have to do this without support, I will be here for you, you are a good person, you tried hard to help but could not do it to the satifaction of someone who is not being reasonable.
If you need a hug or to vent I will be here for you.
Bill
If you need a hug or to vent I will be here for you.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sounds like you are being blocked! She must really be mad.
So let her be mad. Let your folks enable her for a while so you can take a break! That is what is going on here, ya know? People get mad when we stop enabling them. It's a normal reaction!
Sending her an email to justify what? Something you have probably already said? Do you think you will change her with your words? I would venture a guess that your stumbling around for something to say via email is because it isn't the right thing to do.
Give it some time. Sit back and watch what happens with some detachment. Your sister is a big girl - see if she puts those big girl panties on and takes some responsibility for herself and her choices. In the meantime, keep taking care of you. No one else will!
Stay strong!
So let her be mad. Let your folks enable her for a while so you can take a break! That is what is going on here, ya know? People get mad when we stop enabling them. It's a normal reaction!
Sending her an email to justify what? Something you have probably already said? Do you think you will change her with your words? I would venture a guess that your stumbling around for something to say via email is because it isn't the right thing to do.
Give it some time. Sit back and watch what happens with some detachment. Your sister is a big girl - see if she puts those big girl panties on and takes some responsibility for herself and her choices. In the meantime, keep taking care of you. No one else will!
Stay strong!
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