Blogs


Notices

Someone tell me what this is...Process or Steps or WHAT??

Old 01-10-2012, 03:15 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Someone tell me what this is...Process or Steps or WHAT??

Havent talked to the x for months. Today at work I answered his phone call.
I could tell he was very depressed from the tone of his voice.

Said he has had a drink since Christmas
And hasnt had no medical attention since
From a 5th a day to 0....Does make me worry
And I did suggest that he seek medical attention

We discussed some financial matters that needed attention
before he goes into a 90 rehab

For the first time in 16 years, I heard "honesty" in his voice

I spoke to him about recovery, getting sober, getting honest
just like I would with any other alcoholic
I was straight forward and called an ace, an ace

When he began to cry, I didnt get sad, I said what was on my mind

He told me the reason he failed to stay sober last year, was because I didnt give him no support when he came home from rehab.I didnt blink an eye. I told him straight up, what I thought of that..*admit, a tiny bit of Grrrr....

It's the weirdest feeling, I dont know what it means....
It was like talking to a stranger, or like I would was talking to another
alcoholic/addict.

I had no real emotional attachment

I told him that I could not talk to him everyday. I am no longer married to him
and to be honest, it's hard to be your friend. But today, I found it in my heart, to talk to you as I would another alcoholic who just needed someone to listen to them and share your sad thoughts. He cried like a baby thru out most of the conversation.

I told him to quit crying and to give Thanks to God he has given you one more chance to live and get sober. Its your choice to lay there and cry or pick up your ass and do something about it. I wished him luck on finding his recovery and his new journey of life. Usually, if I heard him cry, it would
break my heart. It does hurt to a point, but its different this time.......

What is this?? Is it part of the process, healing, crazy, cold, what is it???
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
catmilkyo (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), Cyranoak (01-10-2012), lillamy (01-10-2012), Linkmeister (01-11-2012), LostinBA (01-11-2012), MsMahon (01-11-2012), NYCDoglvr (01-11-2012), Pelican (01-10-2012), SparklingSeven (01-10-2012), suki44883 (01-10-2012), Tuffgirl (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 03:21 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1
cold, very cold
carma is offline  
Old 01-10-2012, 03:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His crying is most likely caused due to his coming off something, possibly pill withdrawal.

Sounds like you are moving forward in your recovery from codependcey. You are not cold,it's time for you to move on without remorse.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), laurie6781 (01-10-2012), LostinBA (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 03:29 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I think you did good!

You were present, helpful, and supportive. Good on you!

You did not take his depression, recovery, emotional instability onto yourself. You let him own his own emotions. You didn't try to fix or heal him.

Outstanding!!

Your recovery looks good on you!
Pelican is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Pelican For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), catmilkyo (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), Freedom1990 (01-10-2012), laurie6781 (01-10-2012), Linkmeister (01-11-2012), m1k3 (01-11-2012), MsGrace (01-10-2012), theuncertainty (01-11-2012), Tuffgirl (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 03:33 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,181
I second everything that Pelican said!
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 03:44 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Sounds like "detaching with love" to me. Not an easy thing to do. Good for you!

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), catmilkyo (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), dollydo (01-10-2012), Freedom1990 (01-10-2012), lillamy (01-10-2012), Linkmeister (01-11-2012), theuncertainty (01-11-2012), Tuffgirl (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 03:53 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Blog Entries: 1
You are not cold, or crazy.

When I accepted that XA's reality was not my reality I was less emotional about everything. I was not the one being a drunken clown night after night. I did not create all the trouble and chaos. He made the choice of drinking every stinkin day and he deserved all the consequences that went along with his actions.

I think it is wonderful that your ex husband is sober and I wish him continued sobriety. I think you are entitled to feel anyway that you want. You are the one who had a front row seat to view his actions on a daily basis. Just because he is sober today, does not erase what you have lived.

I think you are healing just fine. Being an emotional hot mess everyday is not healthy. I say good for you. Enjoy your life !!!!!!!
marie1960 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to marie1960 For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), laurie6781 (01-10-2012), Linkmeister (01-11-2012), PixieGirl (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 04:34 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
What is it?

It's recovery Baby!!!!



Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Havent talked to the x for months. Today at work I answered his phone call.
I could tell he was very depressed from the tone of his voice.

Said he has had a drink since Christmas
And hasnt had no medical attention since
From a 5th a day to 0....Does make me worry
And I did suggest that he seek medical attention

We discussed some financial matters that needed attention
before he goes into a 90 rehab

For the first time in 16 years, I heard "honesty" in his voice

I spoke to him about recovery, getting sober, getting honest
just like I would with any other alcoholic
I was straight forward and called an ace, an ace

When he began to cry, I didnt get sad, I said what was on my mind

He told me the reason he failed to stay sober last year, was because I didnt give him no support when he came home from rehab.I didnt blink an eye. I told him straight up, what I thought of that..*admit, a tiny bit of Grrrr....

It's the weirdest feeling, I dont know what it means....
It was like talking to a stranger, or like I would was talking to another
alcoholic/addict.

I had no real emotional attachment

I told him that I could not talk to him everyday. I am no longer married to him
and to be honest, it's hard to be your friend. But today, I found it in my heart, to talk to you as I would another alcoholic who just needed someone to listen to them and share your sad thoughts. He cried like a baby thru out most of the conversation.

I told him to quit crying and to give Thanks to God he has given you one more chance to live and get sober. Its your choice to lay there and cry or pick up your ass and do something about it. I wished him luck on finding his recovery and his new journey of life. Usually, if I heard him cry, it would
break my heart. It does hurt to a point, but its different this time.......

What is this?? Is it part of the process, healing, crazy, cold, what is it???
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), catmilkyo (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), m1k3 (01-11-2012), suki44883 (01-10-2012), theuncertainty (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 04:36 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
Truly an alcoholic and/or codependent response...

Originally Posted by carma View Post
cold, very cold
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), m1k3 (01-11-2012), MyBetterWorld (01-11-2012), Tuffgirl (01-11-2012), worriedwife2 (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 04:59 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
catmilkyo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
Blog Entries: 1
not cold at all! that's awesome and where i aspire to be in the future with certain people in my life. you were kind and helpful, but you let him be with his struggle without trying to make it "better" for him in that way i know i have done - soothing a crying partner, assuring i'll be there always, extending myself beyond my emotional or financial or mental capacity, and thinking all of that will earn me love and make them better. never has! just made me crazy!

way to go. whatever you are doing is working
catmilkyo is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to catmilkyo For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 05:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 28,937
Not cold at all. Cold would have been to tell him to figure it out himself.

You did magnificently! And cyranoak is right, it's called recovery, baby!
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 06:16 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It is YOUR RECOVERY!!!!!!!

No, your ABSOLUTELY not cold or crazy.

[QUOTE]He told me the reason he failed to stay sober last yea His problem, not yE]

He's still 'blaming'. His problem, not yours.

What an excellent job BobbyJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to laurie6781 For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-10-2012), catmilkyo (01-10-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), m1k3 (01-11-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 09:41 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Awww Crap...I cried reading all of your comments. Thank You!!!

I was confused on what all of that meant
It was such a "peace" I cant even explain it

Having a couple of hours to re-hash the conversation in my pea brain
I came to this:
It was his somewhat "honesty" that made me feel different. I've
had so much "anger" built up, not just angry pain, but angry because
he refused to accept the fact he was an alcoholic and angry
because he still wanted to blame everything on me and my kids.
He tried alittle bit of that crap on me today, but a year later, he
messed with a chick in recovery - I let go of the anger and actually
felt compassion, not guilt, compassion for another human being.

"Compassion" is so much of who I am and what I am about.
It was against my nature, not to have compassion for him...It caused anger!

Today, I found compassion for my xah. I found peace!

Good Lord, I pray that I stay on this level of serenity for more than a day! lol
Because it is actually the best I have felt in a year...
For the first time in a year, I cant wait to go to bed to sleep, instead
of going to bed to hide from the pain......

"OH YEAH, BIG DADDY Cyranoak"...>Double Thumbs Up!! >> Truly an alcoholic and/or codependent response... < Just about peed my pants laughing...
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
Chino (01-11-2012), dollydo (01-11-2012), Pelican (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 06:55 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Programmaddict
 
Programmatic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Talking

Originally Posted by carma View Post
cold, very cold
Thanks for sharing your very 1st post on our forums.

Keep coming back...
Programmatic is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Programmatic For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-11-2012), carma (01-18-2012), Impurrfect (01-11-2012), Pelican (01-11-2012), theuncertainty (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 07:59 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Linkmeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
BobbyJ!

Some may say "cold" - LTD got it right-that's "Detaching with Love", easy to say, not easy to do, but when you can detach this way, there's true compassion.
Linkmeister is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Linkmeister For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-11-2012), Chino (01-11-2012), LaTeeDa (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 10:47 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
I can't say it better than anyone else here.

You've come a long way. I hope you are feeling strong and proud today that you can handle this situation, and handle it very, very well!
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-11-2012), Chino (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 11:10 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by carma View Post
cold, very cold
Hey Carma,

Are you BobbyJ's ex? LOL

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (01-11-2012), carma (01-18-2012), Linkmeister (01-11-2012), MyBetterWorld (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 12:01 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
LaTeeDa
Glad to see you on the "Happy Bus" today.... *Wink



LMAO
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
LaTeeDa (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 12:10 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Amazing what going outside in the early morning in the dark in your bathrobe will do for your mood! (You have to read the thread I started to know what I mean.)

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
Pelican (01-11-2012)
Old 01-11-2012, 01:32 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,247
You definitely aren't cold! Thank you for such an inspiring post, a big help to anyone detaching from an alcoholic. Huge progress!
NYCDoglvr is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:37 PM.