Keeping it real
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
Keeping it real
My RABF and I have been no contact for several months now. It's been quite a journey but I have been in a good place lately and beginning seeing our relationship in its true perspective.
As I hit my emotional bottom and embarked on my own recovery back in September, I was only feeling:
1) Despair that I was losing my best friend
2) Grief over the potential ending of our relationship (he asked for a “break” while he works on his recovery)
3) Overwhelming anxiety over the uncertain future of our relationship, accompanied by heartache, shortness of breath, loss of appetite and inability to keep food down (I lost 12 lbs. until I got to the point of being able to start eating again!), restlessness, insomnia - all that other good stuff
4) Complete emptiness as the result of having surrendered my goals, wishes, needs and direction in life to follow along in the somewhat grandiose path my A dreamed of for himself
5) A complete loss of sanity having had to watch the man I love slowly bring himself to within arm’s length of death
6) Grief over having lost myself
7) Depression and feelings of abandonment
8) Isolation. Not only had I relocated myself states away from my friends and family to move with my A (I was in denial and had yet to come to terms with the extent of his disease at the time I made my move – plus, there’s nothing like moving half way across the country to figure out how to live together for the first time), but I had failed to establish new connections in my new city because I was embarrassed about my ABF or chose to decline invites to gatherings with potential new friends because I feared the things that could happen at home if I were not there to keep my cat safe (there was no abuse – he adored my cat – but lots of stumbling, falling, leaving windows and apartment door open, etc.) and our apartment/belongings secure, etc.
9) Gratitude that he was moving back home to get the help he needs and a sense of relief that I no longer had to worry or live with an active alcoholic
Yep, aside from #9, I was an absolute mess and just as sick as could be.
Since then, I’ve put in lots and lots of work in Al-Anon and in therapy. Respecting the no contact boundary was torture at first but now I see it has given me a chance to step back, start my own healing process and see the situation in a whole new perspective.
As of today, I’m now seeing/feeling:
1) Gratitude for being where I am today in every regard. I no longer regret my decision to move because my new city has given me so many opportunities to do all the fun things I’ve been missing out on, an opportunity to meet new people, form new connections, resulting in me being able to reconnect with myself.
2) Acceptance that our relationship is on hold for the time being. There is no rush in any of this and I find that as time goes on, weighing the risks of being with someone who could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I’m not willing to take.
3) Serenity that I’m in a place in my life where I can make anything of it. I’m creating my own happiness and serenity through my personal discovery and growth.
4) Being more physically healthy than I’ve ever been, and, dare I say, emotionally healthy as well.
So I had a weak moment last night. I was tired, hungry and lonely and should have acknowledged that and revisited my impulse to check up on him until I was feeling better but I didn’t. I was on facebook and checked his profile and saw that he just celebrated 90 days sober over the weekend. I’m so proud of the both of us for all the hard work we are putting into our respective recoveries. Of course, I had a night full of dreams about the two of us and the old images of my early recovery played out in my mind. The unrealistic and idealistic images of how perfect and happy our relationship is going to be in recovery. I woke up this morning feeling a little more from my first list, above, than from my second list. 90 days is amazing but it’s also just 90 days. He’s just a baby in his new-found life. Still, I couldn’t help but feel for a moment that maybe there might be a chance someday for us.
Today I’m reminding myself to keep things in perspective and to savor all the good things that have come about in my life in my recovery. It’s amazing how quickly I was able to start feeling sucked back into that old fantasy world and how fragile I still am. More than anything, I wished for him to find sobriety and for us to find happiness. It looks like those things are all happening, except just not in the way I envisioned when I started this journey. And...I'm absolutley okay with that.
Thanks to all on this board for the EHS in these last few months. I’m truly grateful.
As I hit my emotional bottom and embarked on my own recovery back in September, I was only feeling:
1) Despair that I was losing my best friend
2) Grief over the potential ending of our relationship (he asked for a “break” while he works on his recovery)
3) Overwhelming anxiety over the uncertain future of our relationship, accompanied by heartache, shortness of breath, loss of appetite and inability to keep food down (I lost 12 lbs. until I got to the point of being able to start eating again!), restlessness, insomnia - all that other good stuff
4) Complete emptiness as the result of having surrendered my goals, wishes, needs and direction in life to follow along in the somewhat grandiose path my A dreamed of for himself
5) A complete loss of sanity having had to watch the man I love slowly bring himself to within arm’s length of death
6) Grief over having lost myself
7) Depression and feelings of abandonment
8) Isolation. Not only had I relocated myself states away from my friends and family to move with my A (I was in denial and had yet to come to terms with the extent of his disease at the time I made my move – plus, there’s nothing like moving half way across the country to figure out how to live together for the first time), but I had failed to establish new connections in my new city because I was embarrassed about my ABF or chose to decline invites to gatherings with potential new friends because I feared the things that could happen at home if I were not there to keep my cat safe (there was no abuse – he adored my cat – but lots of stumbling, falling, leaving windows and apartment door open, etc.) and our apartment/belongings secure, etc.
9) Gratitude that he was moving back home to get the help he needs and a sense of relief that I no longer had to worry or live with an active alcoholic
Yep, aside from #9, I was an absolute mess and just as sick as could be.
Since then, I’ve put in lots and lots of work in Al-Anon and in therapy. Respecting the no contact boundary was torture at first but now I see it has given me a chance to step back, start my own healing process and see the situation in a whole new perspective.
As of today, I’m now seeing/feeling:
1) Gratitude for being where I am today in every regard. I no longer regret my decision to move because my new city has given me so many opportunities to do all the fun things I’ve been missing out on, an opportunity to meet new people, form new connections, resulting in me being able to reconnect with myself.
2) Acceptance that our relationship is on hold for the time being. There is no rush in any of this and I find that as time goes on, weighing the risks of being with someone who could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I’m not willing to take.
3) Serenity that I’m in a place in my life where I can make anything of it. I’m creating my own happiness and serenity through my personal discovery and growth.
4) Being more physically healthy than I’ve ever been, and, dare I say, emotionally healthy as well.
So I had a weak moment last night. I was tired, hungry and lonely and should have acknowledged that and revisited my impulse to check up on him until I was feeling better but I didn’t. I was on facebook and checked his profile and saw that he just celebrated 90 days sober over the weekend. I’m so proud of the both of us for all the hard work we are putting into our respective recoveries. Of course, I had a night full of dreams about the two of us and the old images of my early recovery played out in my mind. The unrealistic and idealistic images of how perfect and happy our relationship is going to be in recovery. I woke up this morning feeling a little more from my first list, above, than from my second list. 90 days is amazing but it’s also just 90 days. He’s just a baby in his new-found life. Still, I couldn’t help but feel for a moment that maybe there might be a chance someday for us.
Today I’m reminding myself to keep things in perspective and to savor all the good things that have come about in my life in my recovery. It’s amazing how quickly I was able to start feeling sucked back into that old fantasy world and how fragile I still am. More than anything, I wished for him to find sobriety and for us to find happiness. It looks like those things are all happening, except just not in the way I envisioned when I started this journey. And...I'm absolutley okay with that.
Thanks to all on this board for the EHS in these last few months. I’m truly grateful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Running, you are right that 90 days is only 90 days. It is early, but I fell for the same thinking early on. My RAH is now over a year sober and it is still a learning process.
When I had those feelings, I journaled them instead of reaching out...wrote a lot of letters I never sent to him, but it helped to get those thoughts and feelings out of my head.
You sound very grounded in your perspectives now. Keep up the good work, and just turn the relationship over to your HP for now.
When I had those feelings, I journaled them instead of reaching out...wrote a lot of letters I never sent to him, but it helped to get those thoughts and feelings out of my head.
You sound very grounded in your perspectives now. Keep up the good work, and just turn the relationship over to your HP for now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
TG - Not reaching out has been really tough at times, and I haven't always stayed strong. In the times I've reached out, I haven't gotten back what I was hoping for and felt hurt. Now I know the burner is hot and am better able to stop myself from putting my hand on it.
Ah...the letters. I wrote my RABF every day for the first 6 weeks, all letters that I never intended on sending. It was very healing for me and very theraputic. Certainly a better way of going about things right now when I'm fighting the urge to contact him. Thank you for the reminder.
Ah...the letters. I wrote my RABF every day for the first 6 weeks, all letters that I never intended on sending. It was very healing for me and very theraputic. Certainly a better way of going about things right now when I'm fighting the urge to contact him. Thank you for the reminder.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I tried no-contact and don't think I made it more than two weeks at a time, LOL! It's so hard to not reach out, especially in your situation where he has made 90 days and that's awesome! But *sigh* sometimes it is the right thing to do.
But I do believe its just as hard on them as it is on us. I don't think I was alone in my obsession! ; ) At least, that's what I tell myself...
But I do believe its just as hard on them as it is on us. I don't think I was alone in my obsession! ; ) At least, that's what I tell myself...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 49
Red,
This was absolutely the case in the beginning, especially. And this thought passes through my mind every once in a while. I'll ponder on it but the deep sadness starts creeping back in within moments, and I have to remember what I'm reminding myself of today.
I have also worked hard at giving up the outcome of our relationship to my HP. I completely exhausted myself emotionally and physically in the beginning of my recovery, worrying about exactly what you've posed. I think I read this page from Courage to Change about 20 times a day for several weeks because I needed the constant reminder:
Courage to Change – January 15 Recently I learned about a crisis in the life of an alcoholic I love. Today, while trying to work, I found myself slumping in my chair, depressed and distracted. Soon, all thoughts of work had fled, and I was busy projecting a horrible outcome to my loved one’s crisis and dreading the ways in which the consequences might affect me. The slogan, “One Day at a Time” reminds me that, in spite of my fears, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I’ve given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now.
TODAY’S REMINDER - I needn’t explore how I’ll feel about something that might occur in the future. I don’t actually know how I’ll feel, and it may never happen. So when I feel myself leaving the present, I’ll remind myself that the future is not today’s problem.
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” A J Cronin
Of course, I may come to a point where I feel like I'm ready for closure. At this point, I'm not there yet and this time and space has become a true gift in the sense that it's allowing me to really sort through everything that I've had to compact and hide away while I was too busy trying to survive with a very sick alcoholic. I need to trust that what is meant to be will be. It's taken a lot of work and a lot of time to get to this point. For me, there is no rush. He has a lot to prove to himself first before he can even consider involving another person in his life again. I also have to remember how much pain I've been through and how much work it has taken to get my head back above water. I need to carefully consider if I'd ever put this all out there on the chopping block again and risk it being wiped away at the first flick of a bottle cap or pop of a cork.
During my first Al-Anon meeting I heard someone use the baking bread analogy. Baking bread takes a lot of work. Measuring each ingredient carefully, activating the yeast, mixing it, letting it rise, kneading it...it's a pain but nothing beats the taste of homemade bread right out of the oven and all the joys that come with it. It's not worth going through all of that work only to pull out the bread before it is done. No one wants to chew uncooked doughy bread. It's tough to be patient and wait when you can see it and smell it with great anticipation. In regards to my relationship, my bread is still baking. At this point, I still have to resist the urge to open the oven door to check and see how it's coming along. I must be patient. It's simply not time.
This was absolutely the case in the beginning, especially. And this thought passes through my mind every once in a while. I'll ponder on it but the deep sadness starts creeping back in within moments, and I have to remember what I'm reminding myself of today.
I have also worked hard at giving up the outcome of our relationship to my HP. I completely exhausted myself emotionally and physically in the beginning of my recovery, worrying about exactly what you've posed. I think I read this page from Courage to Change about 20 times a day for several weeks because I needed the constant reminder:
Courage to Change – January 15 Recently I learned about a crisis in the life of an alcoholic I love. Today, while trying to work, I found myself slumping in my chair, depressed and distracted. Soon, all thoughts of work had fled, and I was busy projecting a horrible outcome to my loved one’s crisis and dreading the ways in which the consequences might affect me. The slogan, “One Day at a Time” reminds me that, in spite of my fears, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I’ve given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now.
TODAY’S REMINDER - I needn’t explore how I’ll feel about something that might occur in the future. I don’t actually know how I’ll feel, and it may never happen. So when I feel myself leaving the present, I’ll remind myself that the future is not today’s problem.
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” A J Cronin
Of course, I may come to a point where I feel like I'm ready for closure. At this point, I'm not there yet and this time and space has become a true gift in the sense that it's allowing me to really sort through everything that I've had to compact and hide away while I was too busy trying to survive with a very sick alcoholic. I need to trust that what is meant to be will be. It's taken a lot of work and a lot of time to get to this point. For me, there is no rush. He has a lot to prove to himself first before he can even consider involving another person in his life again. I also have to remember how much pain I've been through and how much work it has taken to get my head back above water. I need to carefully consider if I'd ever put this all out there on the chopping block again and risk it being wiped away at the first flick of a bottle cap or pop of a cork.
During my first Al-Anon meeting I heard someone use the baking bread analogy. Baking bread takes a lot of work. Measuring each ingredient carefully, activating the yeast, mixing it, letting it rise, kneading it...it's a pain but nothing beats the taste of homemade bread right out of the oven and all the joys that come with it. It's not worth going through all of that work only to pull out the bread before it is done. No one wants to chew uncooked doughy bread. It's tough to be patient and wait when you can see it and smell it with great anticipation. In regards to my relationship, my bread is still baking. At this point, I still have to resist the urge to open the oven door to check and see how it's coming along. I must be patient. It's simply not time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Running...this almost made my cry. GOOD tears though! Thing is...I'm a baker.
I'm going to write this down and keep it in mind. You are absolutely right...I know that right NOW...all I have is a nasty raw ball of dough. I guess...I just want so bad for the bread to be baked...
I almost broke down and contact my RA tonight...reading this stopped me.
I'll be genuine...I truly worry and it shakes my spirit that he may (if he hasn't already) decide to take off...to hell with me. This hurts.
I hope you will keep me posted on your journey...hearing your is certainly helping with mine...
I'm going to write this down and keep it in mind. You are absolutely right...I know that right NOW...all I have is a nasty raw ball of dough. I guess...I just want so bad for the bread to be baked...
I almost broke down and contact my RA tonight...reading this stopped me.
I'll be genuine...I truly worry and it shakes my spirit that he may (if he hasn't already) decide to take off...to hell with me. This hurts.
I hope you will keep me posted on your journey...hearing your is certainly helping with mine...
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