Have I done the right thing? Starting to doubt my descision..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England
Posts: 4
Have I done the right thing? Starting to doubt my descision..
Hey everybody this is my first post here.
I am an 18 year old female who has been with a 24 year old alcoholic for ten months until today.
When we first met everything was great, I was a little startled at the amount he drank but I didn't really think anything alarming of it, as he said he just 'enjoyed a drink' but he would change into a completely different person when intoxicated. He would lie, have bursts of rage of anger (not directed at me), cry hysterically and it didn't seem like he cared about my feelings at all. We would have se and he wouldn't even remember it the next day which really hurt and as time progressed I began to tire of his behaviour. When he was sober we got along great but when he got paraletic, which was pretty much everyday he was a completely different person, it was like being in a relationship with two people.
We had a break a while back, he swore he would change and he got so upset that I didn't have the heart to go through with it.
He did try to change, he would go sober for a few days but then couldn't handle the withdrawals and start drinking again, I felt bad because I knew he was just changing for me.
I recently met somebody else who I have romantic feelings for, I realised that if I really loved my boyfriend I wouldn't even think of anyone else I just felt like I couldn't cope anymore.today I finished the relationship with my boyfriend. I just feel so sorry for him because he is a very anxious person, who grew up in a family of alcoholics and he just seems so vulnerable. but at the same time, he was scared of going out unless he was quite drunk due to the anxiety, I am very interested in travel and I know if I stayed with him I would never fufil my dreams and goals.
But i feel so guilty and depressed because I do love him when he's sober, I just can't cope anymore but it hurts so much and I have been reading on here and so many people have had to deal with worse situations than thisso maybe I am being too hard?
At the moment I just feel like running back to him although I know I might live to regret it.
I am having panic attacks and am feeling very low, am I doing the right thing?
thanks in advance.
I am an 18 year old female who has been with a 24 year old alcoholic for ten months until today.
When we first met everything was great, I was a little startled at the amount he drank but I didn't really think anything alarming of it, as he said he just 'enjoyed a drink' but he would change into a completely different person when intoxicated. He would lie, have bursts of rage of anger (not directed at me), cry hysterically and it didn't seem like he cared about my feelings at all. We would have se and he wouldn't even remember it the next day which really hurt and as time progressed I began to tire of his behaviour. When he was sober we got along great but when he got paraletic, which was pretty much everyday he was a completely different person, it was like being in a relationship with two people.
We had a break a while back, he swore he would change and he got so upset that I didn't have the heart to go through with it.
He did try to change, he would go sober for a few days but then couldn't handle the withdrawals and start drinking again, I felt bad because I knew he was just changing for me.
I recently met somebody else who I have romantic feelings for, I realised that if I really loved my boyfriend I wouldn't even think of anyone else I just felt like I couldn't cope anymore.today I finished the relationship with my boyfriend. I just feel so sorry for him because he is a very anxious person, who grew up in a family of alcoholics and he just seems so vulnerable. but at the same time, he was scared of going out unless he was quite drunk due to the anxiety, I am very interested in travel and I know if I stayed with him I would never fufil my dreams and goals.
But i feel so guilty and depressed because I do love him when he's sober, I just can't cope anymore but it hurts so much and I have been reading on here and so many people have had to deal with worse situations than thisso maybe I am being too hard?
At the moment I just feel like running back to him although I know I might live to regret it.
I am having panic attacks and am feeling very low, am I doing the right thing?
thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 27
Sometimes when you really love someone you have to be willing to let them go.
If you stayed with him he'd be doing the same thing. With you leaving it's loud and clear that his drinking is why you aren't around. You can't change him. He has to get to the point where he wants to make a change.
I understand the feelings of guilt but I bet he wasn't feeling guilty putting you on this roller coaster ride. You gave him a great gift. You talked to him about his problem and he had his chance. Now he's going to learn the hard way what happens if he doesn't take care of his drinking problem. Maybe this will make him change......
If you stayed with him he'd be doing the same thing. With you leaving it's loud and clear that his drinking is why you aren't around. You can't change him. He has to get to the point where he wants to make a change.
I understand the feelings of guilt but I bet he wasn't feeling guilty putting you on this roller coaster ride. You gave him a great gift. You talked to him about his problem and he had his chance. Now he's going to learn the hard way what happens if he doesn't take care of his drinking problem. Maybe this will make him change......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Take him out of the equation right now and take care of yourself. At 18 years old you may not believe this now, but better days are out there for you to have, make your decisions wisely. Are you seeing a doctor or therapist about your anxiety?
What would you like from a lifelong partner? What kind of life do you deserve? Are you willing to give him the best years of your life?
You should educate yourself about alcoholism. Keep reading here. Check out if there is an ALANON in your area. You aren't alone in caring for someone who is an alcoholic.
What would you like from a lifelong partner? What kind of life do you deserve? Are you willing to give him the best years of your life?
You should educate yourself about alcoholism. Keep reading here. Check out if there is an ALANON in your area. You aren't alone in caring for someone who is an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Garrison, tx
Posts: 4
i just started this messaging room last week. but i have gotten out of it & not going back for him are anyone else until i know there's a change. you cant change them, you have to change yourself. think of you & you alone. thank god your not married & you can
make on your own. im not saying to go back or to stay gone. but you are strong person
that can make your own choices. i was in denial for 6 yrs & now ive left since oct 2011
& yes we are trying to work things out. but i relizing i can only help me & you will learn that too. just you. say to yourself just me. maybe this will help you.
make on your own. im not saying to go back or to stay gone. but you are strong person
that can make your own choices. i was in denial for 6 yrs & now ive left since oct 2011
& yes we are trying to work things out. but i relizing i can only help me & you will learn that too. just you. say to yourself just me. maybe this will help you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Go to a few alanon meetings and listen to what is being said from other's who are currently involved with an active A. You will get a clear picture of what life with an A is and what is involved. It may help you a great deal in making a decision as to what you want to do. Sometimes we get caught up in how bad we feel for the alcoholic and their past life etc. that it turns into pity and feeling sorry for them in lieu of actually loving them. You may also want to read up on codependency as this usually goes along with being and staying with an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: northeastern u.s. metro area
Posts: 87
why keep putting yourself through the pain of being with a drunk? to avoid feeling guilty for leaving? his social anxiety is something that he can learn to deal with without alcohol. he only makes it worse by drinking. active alcoholics and addicts radiate negative energy, they end up putting loved ones in these sorts of painful situations even when they don't intend to. you did the right thing. if you really want a future free of alcohol fueled drama and misery, if you want a partner who doesn't need to get blackout drunk to have a good time or deal with the world, you made a good choice to end it. it wont hurt forever, stay strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your uplifting and speedy replies
Yes i think I do have an issue with codependency and attatchment with but I keep telling myself to keep strong and reminding myself that I will be okay in the future.
Yes i think I do have an issue with codependency and attatchment with but I keep telling myself to keep strong and reminding myself that I will be okay in the future.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are too young to hang your future on an alcoholic...he will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the F & F of substance abusers, all the same, addiction is addiction.
I would also get my hands on Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, it is a good starting point to understand codependency.
The idea is not to make the same mistake again, you need to identify the red flags and then run like the wind.
Keep posting, it will help.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the F & F of substance abusers, all the same, addiction is addiction.
I would also get my hands on Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, it is a good starting point to understand codependency.
The idea is not to make the same mistake again, you need to identify the red flags and then run like the wind.
Keep posting, it will help.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
People do recover from addictions, babyskela. They do it all the time, and many go on to live lives that are quite healthy, normal and indistinguishable from the lives of those who never had an addiction (other than the abstinence part, of course).
However, not everyone recovers, which is why it is extremely risky to be in a relationship with an active addict. He might be someone who recovers, but he also might not be. This is why, even though I've recovered from an addiction myself and know that there is ABSOLUTELY hope, I would not, myself, take the risk. And if I was 18, and had my whole life ahead of me, I would not think twice about it: I would run like the wind.
However, not everyone recovers, which is why it is extremely risky to be in a relationship with an active addict. He might be someone who recovers, but he also might not be. This is why, even though I've recovered from an addiction myself and know that there is ABSOLUTELY hope, I would not, myself, take the risk. And if I was 18, and had my whole life ahead of me, I would not think twice about it: I would run like the wind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Have I done the right thing?
Take this from an old fart: There is not one person in this world you can't learn to live without. Happily. And the only person you have to love and live with comfortably is yourself.
Don't wait till you're 40 to figure that out, like I did. (I'm a slow learner, what can I say?)
You can become... intertwined... with people at any age. You can be dumb and think it's love at any age (I have a neighbor who's in her late 60s, and she was just conned out of all her savings by The Big Love of Her Life). The thing is, even if it is love -- even if you really do love someone -- that's not enough. There can be no love without respect. Without mutual respect, you don't have a man who loves you, you have a parasite who will suck the life out of you.
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