Well, I stopped beating around the bush.

Old 01-09-2012, 11:38 AM
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Well, I stopped beating around the bush.

Hey All!

I have to say I have been an anonymous reader for a few months. Reading posts to gather information and see if I was crazy.

I just got married to my wife in September. We dated for 14 months before getting married. We decided to get married in June when we were both drunk and on a road trip after a stressfull day. (That's says a lot, doesn't it!!) In July we had a major episode in which she threw he engagement ring out of the car and attacked me several times. Once when I was driving that almost killed both of us. This incident was awakeup call and I said I am endangering us and other innocent people on the road. I said no more. She agreed saying she didn't want that to happen again. We spent the next week alone and secluded as the wounds on my face healed and the bruises on her body healed. I did not hit her or abuse her, I did restrain her from the attacks and charges she made at me.

We went for two months without drinking. I was thinking that we could do this. SHe asked me if I still wanted to get married and I said we should postpone it for a while. She said that would be rude to all those people who made their schedule up. I did not stand up for what I wanted. We continued the wedding. I should state here that we were living together, she has 4 children from a previous marriage. We met when she was separated and got married 1 month after she was allowed to by the divorce decree.

The thursday night before our wedding the people at her new job threw her a surprise wedding party. She got drunk and some coworkers drove her home. I was upset and slept on the couch that night. In the morning I was furious and asked what happened. She said that people just kept buying shots and drinks and that it was rude to refuse. I said it was her choice and was angry why she couldn't say no to the drinks.

We got married and she did not drink at the wedding. The following month was good, but on every Friday I would get an email saying that she felt like we couldn't do anything anymore with couples on Friday nights because they would be uncomfortable with us not drinking and she didn't want other people feeling that way. I said that I felt that if they were our friends and understand. I was not drinking through this time, as I said I would not drink either, feeling that would help and not be a problem. Well the last 4 weeks have been interesting. The weekend before christmas was a bad one as we went and drank together, but she lost control and would not stop, would not go back to the hotel room. So I carried her back once. She went back immediately, I followed once and then she turned around and went back to the bar. At that point I went to the room and tried to sleep. The bartender called twice and asked that I come down and get her. I said I had done that already and wasn't going to do that again. We had a few issues that night, she called the cops on me, thankfully I talked to the desk clerk and I left and let her have the room.


Then new years she got absolutely plowed, but we were at home, no driving, no incidents. Then this last weekend she went out on Friday night, I did not because I had to leave at 5:30 the next morning and didn't want be so tired. She stayed out till 3:00 am and drove home very drunk. I asked where she was since the bars close at 2:30 and it is a ten minute drive to our place in the bar. SHe said in the parking lot with a friend.

At this point I believe that this will not change at all. I had wondered if she was an alcoholic or not since she didn't drink everyday, only once in a while. We can go out together and have a few drinks and not have any issues sometimes. If we are in a bar and she has a few more drinks, it is like a switch is flipped and she will not leave till bar time and then try to find another party or after bar. Sometimes she could go a month between episodes I call them. Sometimes a week. I don't believe she is hiding booze in the house or sneeking alcohol. But through it all I have come to grips with the disease of alcoholism and my codependancy issues. I am not a completely innocent person in this.

She comes from a family that has had alcohol issues. My family has had them to. I like to drink and have been able to stop drinking during the night, but once she reaches a point (the switch as she calls it) all bets are off what happens next. She admits the problem with being able to stop drinking once she has started.

So today, I finally got tired of discussing our expectations of rules when we go out without each other and told her that I believe alcoholism is the problem and that I love her and want to build a future together. I said that it was pointless to talk about rules or how we communicate with each other when we are out, because this is a disease .

I did get a response. Wasn't much, just that she didn't feel like a partner in the marriage anymore and that she didn't know what I wanted from her.

That is a lot. I guess my first question is, is this alcoholism or is she just a bad drunk? She is a caring and loving person when she is sober, which is most of the time, but when she drinks roll the dice what may happen.

Thanks for reading. I know this is rambling.
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:52 AM
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Hi and welcome to SR, bertwash. Sorry for the situation you are in that brings you here.

Rambling is fine. It really does help to get our stories out of our heads to begin to make some sense of it all.

You ask if she is an alcoholic, and I don't have a response to that. She may be and she certainly acts like it with the out of control drinking. The once-she-starts-katy-bar-the-door behavior. But ultimately it boils down to her drinking if affecting you and your marriage. I would recommend some Al-Anon meetings and some reading up on alcoholism and the family. And continue to post here and read the stickies at the top of this forum's home page.

And remember - you didn't cause her drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Setting rules may seem like a good idea but its a band aid on a gunshot wound. For her to stop drinking, she needs to make that decision herself, for her own reasons. Sounds like she isn't quite ready for that just yet.

Take care of yourself. It's all you really have control over anyway.
~T
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Old 01-09-2012, 01:51 PM
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Welcome.

Whether or not she is an alcoholic, she clearly has a drinking problem. If that has been put on the table as a major marital issue, and she still cannot or does not stop, then it's a marital issue as well.

You've gone through a lot with her, so I think you are being fair to both of you to say "enough", and then live that as truth.

Stick around here, read more, let your head clear, get the support you need to address your issues. When you get started down the recovery road, how to deal with relationships will become a bit more clear.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:26 AM
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Thank you for the encouragement!!!

Last night we got the kids back from her ex's and had dinner. And it was pretty quiet. We did not argue. In bed I told her I love her and good night. This morning is pretty quiet to. I am preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I am ready to be gone if it continues.

I want to have a discussion about where to go next. I would like her to talk to a counselor but not sure that she will. I am looking to go to an alanon meeting tomorrow night for my issues.

We will see where it goes. It is hard as she does not discuss much. When she is angry she just clams up. Most of our communication is through email and texts. I prefer face to face.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:47 AM
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Al-Anon is a great first step. Maybe it will encourage her to seek recovery. But maybe not, who knows. My RAH was defensive about me going to Al-Anon at first...took him a while to make his peace with it.

Being prepared it key to feeling empowered about your situation. I am glad you had a good evening and can still say you love her and still have hope while at the same time setting some boundaries for yourself. That's awesome!
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Old 01-10-2012, 01:14 PM
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She's going to do it again. When she does come back here and we'll all talk about it. At that time, if you are serious about wanting help, maybe the things you've read here will read differently to you.

Good luck,

Cyranoak
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:44 PM
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Bert,

Welcome to you, this is a great place to vent or get some support.

My ex and I were just like you guys, we didn't drink during the week but on Friday after 5 it was time to party, then I just decided I had had enough, 150.00 a night down the drain, feel like crap the next day, only to do it again on Saturday night. My quitting did not go over well, it was like holding a mirror up to her face even though I never asked her to stop, only not to drive drunk.

The only way we communicated was if we were screaming at each other, she started beating on me because I decided to quit arguing, finally she cheated on me and left.

Do what you need to do for you, for your mental and physical health and for your future.

I hope you come back here often, and please think about counseling it was a huge help for me.

Best of luck,

Bill
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Old 01-11-2012, 12:40 PM
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Thanks Bill. Guess that was just what I didn't want to hear! haha!

I have always thought, I haven't read about anybody who doesn't drink everyday but once in awhile and then can't stop at that time. So I thought well it is just me being over controlling.

Is there any others out there like that?

The last episode wasn't really that bad in the scheme of things, but we had been talking about having a baby and i just got to thinking. When we started dating, she said she didn't want any kids (she has four) and I agreed. But then she says I will have a baby if you want. She then says she is going out with friends and will I give her a ride home if she calls. I said sure. Didn't think that it would be 3:00 am and she would be smashed.

I realized then that this was going to gone on for the rest of our lives and having a baby in this setting wouldn't be a great idea.
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Old 01-11-2012, 06:59 PM
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Whatever you do.... go very cautiously on the decision to have a child. As a adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) I can tell you it will bind you to your wife forever with a child together... and alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Do not be surprised if the alcoholic binges start sooner and last longer or some crisis or tragedy happens as things get worse as they often do in these types of cases with chronic alcoholic drinking episodes.
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks View Post
Whatever you do.... go very cautiously on the decision to have a child. As a adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) I can tell you it will bind you to your wife forever with a child together... and alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Do not be surprised if the alcoholic binges start sooner and last longer or some crisis or tragedy happens as things get worse as they often do in these types of cases with chronic alcoho lic drinking episodes.
Don't forget about her four children now! wow.

Uh, yes, my now-R ABF started off the same way as your wife. Only weekend fun social partier...then it slowly crept into weeknights, then weekend days and weekend nights and week nights, Then..all day every day and all night every night.

Please do seek help for you. Then you can determine your next Right Thing.

I wish you the best.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:10 AM
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I'm not much of a label person, myself. IMHO, folks get way too hung up on whether someone is or is not "really an alcoholic". The question is not whether or not a label applies, it's whether the behavior of the person in question is acceptable. If it is not, then some action is necessary on the partner's part. Maybe that action is to leave the relationship; maybe it's to stay and try to deal with the addiction using CRAFT techniques; maybe it's to go to Al-Anon; but endless musing about the label just doesn't seem to be helpful.

Now, I cannot for a minute tell you what to do. No one really can. I've recovered from my own addiction, so I know that recovery is absolutely possible and that people who were once very much addicted can live good, healthy lives and have healthy relationships.

At the same time, if I'd been in a relationship with ME when I was still addicted, I would have left. I was a mess and it took me years to get to the point where I was ready to quit. I took a lot of good folks with me on my little ride to hell, and they didn't deserve what I did to them.

And it may seem odd, but having gone through all that horror myself, I would not for one minute have a romantic relationship with a person who behaved as I once did, or perhaps to be more specific, with a person who behaved as your wife is behaving. Life is too short for that. When I was dating before my current marriage, I would not even date a person "in recovery" unless that person had been abstinent for at least 5 years. I broke up with someone after he got drunk ONCE. Kind of a no-tolerance thing.

I don't know if this helps, but I certainly hope so.

One thing is for sure, we all deserve to live the best life we can.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:16 AM
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QUOTE=Bertwash1

"I have always thought, I haven't read about anybody who doesn't drink everyday but once in awhile and then can't stop at that time. So I thought well it is just me being over controlling."


Hi Brother,

In reading your posts I also see my AW's issue. She goes a day or two of recovery (usually angry) then back to the wine bottle for "1 glass" then 5-7 glasses before she is done. Last year it was less, the year before it was less. It is getting worse.

Did I see this problem before we were married? Yes.
Did I think that I could deal with it after we were married? Yes.
Was I wrong? Yes.

There is a love/concern issue here although she says that I am trying to control her and that 'No man" is going to tell her what to do. On the other hand, last night, she told me that I was responsible that she got drunk and passed out in front of family because I did not remove her from the house in time to prevent them from witnessing it. Her concern was not that I did not stop her from drinking, because that is not possible or permitted. She said that if I loved her I would have forced her to leave before she humiliated herself. This refusal of accepting responsibility for her actions is not uncommon.

We are not in control of anyone but ourselves and we can't control them although they do play the control card as both their justification to drink themselves to oblivion and as their excuse for having drunk too much and made a fool of themselves.

And, yes my AW is high functioning, very popular, well loved by her friends, very caring for others, and always out to "Have fun." But since she has progressed to binge drinking 4-5 days a week, her "Fun" involves a lot of time without me as a partner. And our communications involve a couple of lines of e-mail and two or three sentences a day. So we are not "high functioning" in our marriage.

You are not alone. Stay strong, keep sharing here, take care of yourself first. There are a lot of very good people here who offer support. I get a lot of strength through them and I know that you will too.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:53 AM
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[QUOTE=onlythetruth;3239510]I'm not much of a label person, myself. IMHO, folks get way too hung up on whether someone is or is not "really an alcoholic". The question is not whether or not a label applies, it's whether the behavior of the person in question is acceptable.

I appreciate this so much and have gotten to that point. The label doesn't matter, it is the behavior that counts.

You have all been so supportive.

I love her 4 kids. I can see signs of codependence in some of the kids.

She told me that I should chill about the friday night issue because she did exactly what she said she would do. Which she did. But when she told she is doing so much better now because she is going out so much less than before we have been together. That is so encouraging to me!! Haha.
It is hard to make decisions on what we know or believe will happen than what will actually happen.

We will see what the this weekend brings.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:54 AM
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Bertwash1, welcome.

A long time ago I had this gut feeling that my husband was an alcoholic but I kept justifying his behavior and I think I was too afraid to truly believe what my gut was telling me. Maybe that is what you're going through now, it's hard to face it and then to deal with it, but dealing with it now in this stage of the disease is much better than what is coming down the road. This disease is a progressive one.

My prayers are with you and the kids.
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Old 01-12-2012, 07:06 AM
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"On the other hand, last night, she told me that I was responsible that she got drunk and passed out in front of family because I did not remove her from the house in time to prevent them from witnessing it. Her concern was not that I did not stop her from drinking, because that is not possible or permitted. She said that if I loved her I would have forced her to leave before she humiliated herself. This refusal of accepting responsibility for her actions is not uncommon."

I have had the same thing happen. She told me that I had to get her out a situation if she was making a fool of her self. I have done that twice and no more. Each time, left enough scratches on my faces. It was like be attacked by an animal. I have never had to defend myself from a woman. Needless to say I will not try to "save" her again and I have told her that. Before this relationship, I had never had the cops called on me. Been 5 times in a year. I called once because she was threatening suicide. Another one where the cops came and I left with them to a hotel and then the cops tell me that my AW has had problems for quite sometime and they now the address well. Quite the education I got from the back seat of a squad car. I had them drive me to a hotel because I had been drinking and I didn't think I could drive.

Each time I get a call and she is so ashamed and sorry and it will never happen again. She would always tell me to run and that I deserved better. Well I am in it know. I am trying the first step: letting go to my higher power. I wasn't very spiritual before, I am finding comfort and peace in a higher power.
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Old 01-12-2012, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Bertwash1 View Post
Each time I get a call and she is so ashamed and sorry and it will never happen again. She would always tell me to run and that I deserved better.
Why don't you believe her?
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Old 01-12-2012, 07:44 AM
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Touche.

I do deserve better. I want to give her a chance to get help if she wants it. I am contemplating leaving. Haven't made that decision yet. I wonder what a normal relationship is like??
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