River13

Hi,

This may be inappropriate to put here if so please move it or delete it.


As the title says I am not one of you, friends and family of an alcoholic. I am the alcoholic who broke your heart over and over. I am the guy who risked our happy family over alcohol. The guy who risked our children's safety. The guy who pushed the only women who ever loved him away so he could drink. Pushed her so far its maybe too late.

I have been drinking my entire life probably since i was 13 or so. Ive never really made a serious effort to quit. Oh sure I made promises "I'll slow down, I'll watch it" I know now I can't do that. Can't moderate. Can't drink safely.

So I quit the day before Thanksgiving. I haven't had a drink in 46 days. I am never going to have another drink.

I want my life back. I want my wife back. I have followed through on everything I said I would do....

Only its so late. There have been broken promises in the past. So many times...

So would you women on here forgive, could you? Go back to the way it was or maybe the way it should have been.

I am the perfect husband now, cleaning,cooking,shopping. I know I can't change completely overnight and I'm freaking her out with this. She doesn't trust this, doesn't think it could last. But I'm determined, not just for her but for me also. This isn't a last desperate ploy to keep her, even if I can't I am going to go on and see whats out there for me. Sober.

There is some small hope even as bad as it got I never "broke out in handcuffs" never got in trouble with the law. Never got a DWI. Never hurt anyone in a crash. I am gainfully employed and have been for twenty five years. I am aware all of those things would probably have happened if I continued down the path I was going.

So let me have it ladies...

akrasia

Let you have what?

You're asking me whether your wife could/should/will continue in a marriage with you? And without knowing either of you I'm supposed to have unique insight into that because I'm a woman?

Do you think all women of the world hold a secret meeting under a volcano somewhere, and decide our collective goals, standards, and agendas?

Good luck to you.

River13

Nope, I wasn't asking for the notes from the secret meeting under the volcano just a little perspective outside of my own. Why would you even bother replying?

Thanks for the luck though, need all I can get.

Pelican

46 days sober.
Congratulations on your sobriety.

You did not mention your age, how many years you were married, or the ages of your children.

Your children have been exposed to an alcoholic parent.
They will likely mimic or marry the same behavior.

If your child marries an alcoholic, and you watch from your home the progressive downfall of the alcoholic while watching your child suffer - what would you tell your child if that alcoholic was sober 46 days and wanted another chance?

m1k3

River13, I'll give you an honest answer, however in concerns my alcoholic wife rather than an alcoholic husband.

I am working hard on my recovery in al-anon and doing very well by the way. I have reached the point that I no longer am full of rage and anger at my wife. For the most part I have even forgiven her and I'm still working through that.

However, I have established a boundary for myself and that is I will NEVER live with an alcoholic again, recovering or not.

MyGirlGracie

River...
I don't think any ONE of us could/would answer for anyone else, but know that true recovery for you and your wife is something I hope and pray for. I myself would like the opportunity to have this discussion with my alcoholic: the opportunity to make things right, to GROW our relationship and not just wish it would all get better by itself. I hope things work out for you both and I hope you continue on your path of sobriety.

Sotiredofitall

I am the wife of a recovering A. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting is another matter. Hubby and I are doing well with his 45 day recovery, but I'm still ready to leave if he goes back. For me it got to a point of MY health and well being. I got so tired of all of the excuses and failures that I finally got to a point of being indifferent. I was ready to move on. Can't answer for your wife, but for me the jury will be out for quite a while.

River13

50 yrs old,3 kids 20,18 and the baby is 9. 20 years married, still married by the way.

Yes they were exposed but perhaps not the to the worst. We never openly fought, never argued loudly in front of the children. I never missed work.

Mimic or marry? Umnn I don't know..

I would say.... 46 days isn't long enough. Hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst. The odds are terrible, the numbers don't indicate long term change is likely....

crap I know the answer to my own question and always did. I can try to put good things now in front of all the bad things in the past. Maybe it will be enough

River13

I understand I think. "indifferent" is a terrible hearbreaking word....

River13

We have been having this discussion, painful emotional discussions. I found out things i never knew. Things I should have known. We are trying to make things right.

I know you can't answer for anyone else. My reason for coming here was because my wife has apparently been reading here for some time. In the past I would of just lurked and looked around and read. I'm done with lurking and hiding now.

naive

hi river and welcome -

first, well done on your sobriety and my best wishes for your continued success.

regarding forgiveness, for myself, i can and have forgiven; however, i am no longer with him.

perhaps best if you do some reading around this board and the adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) board. if i may speak frankly, i feel that you are uninformed and unaware of the damage that 20 years of drinking can do to your children and your wife. not arguing in front of them or being carted off by the police does not mean that they were not deeply affected.

the 12 steps might help you begin to take accountability and make amends, independent of what your wife chooses for her life.

naive

River13

Oh im not completely unaware of the damage I have done. I have begun to take accountability and make some attempt at amends. I know it to soon to expect some radical results but I am trying...

Pelican

What was your motivation for the first part of your first post (shown above)?
Knowing your wife is reading these pages, was your intention to garner sympathy for yourself?
By publicly admitting to your generic(no specific details) alcoholic mistakes -were you hoping to manipulate your audience into believing you are remorseful?

I read that confession and think: "Gee, there's a real prize! I can see why she would want to kick that bag to the curb"

And my honest reaction to the last sentence about being the perfect husband: We don't give trophies for behaving like a responsible adult.

serenity001

River,
First and foremost I hope for you and your family that you stay on your path to recovery!! I just broke of an engagement with an A. I know I cant go back, I love him and its hurts so bad. Im with Pelican on this one, as I am also an ACA. For me, I cant live like that, and the lies leave scars, each and everyone. I hope the best for you on your journey!!!!

Seren

Hello River, and Welcome to SR!

A huge congratulations on your sober time! That is quite an accomplishment.

As far as your relationship with your wife is concerned, none of us can answer that for you. Time take time. Your actions over time will show her far more than all the years of broken promises. She cannot believe your words right now, nor should she be expected to.

It's my understanding that early sobriety is a tenuous time for most alcoholics. I hope that you will spend your time and energy concentrating on healing yourself. Perhaps encourage your wife to seek her own healing.

Good luck to you as you move forward!

HG

River13

Not exactly, my wife isn't reading these specific pages as far as I know. I'm not sure what on the post caused your anger.

If you are seeing that as a manipulation maybe you are reading into it something I'm not really saying. Or my communication skills aren't the best.

This may not have been my best idea.

Tuffgirl

River,
Feedback is always interesting to ask for - remember to take what works and leave the rest.

Congratulations on your sobriety! Not an easy feat and still a long road ahead but keep up the good work.

I didn't see in the posts if you are in a program? I have learned on this journey with my husband that there are differences between physical sobriety and emotional sobriety.

Also, I know I never wanted a "perfect husband". I won't speak for any of the other ladies here but I wanted a friend, lover, and peer to spend my life with. All the rest is icing on the cake.

Give it time, stay sober, and been consistent. Good luck!
~T

heathersweeds

Hi River.....and yeah I agree with Tuffgirl advice is hard to listen to especially when your being slammed. I am also a recovering alcoholic and alls I can suggest is maybe right now you shouldnt be so focused on getting back what youve lost but focusing more on yourself....your recovery. If youve been drinking since 13 you dont even know who you are yet. I had to learn about me before I could offer any of myself in a relationship. As far as your motives for posting...that never even crossed my mind! Time they say in AA is a four letter word. Waiting is not one of our strong points (drinking is such an instant gratification)! I wish you the best and maybe get a network of friends like us (AA) they are very supportive!!!

choublak

I really cannot speak for your wife, especially since I'm not married nor do I have any children.

But, I have an uncle who is a recovering alcoholic, with grown children. He has no issues with saying flat out that his wife raised their kids by herself while he was drinking. Without saying, "oh, but I did (blank)" or "I wasn't as bad as (blank)".

Taking ownership of your life and actions, without having to say you never broke out in handcuffs or whatever, is important.

Just because you were never arrested or got a DWI, doesn't make things any less difficult.

ColetteTocca

Your last 3 sentences are major red flags IMHO. You have a lot of work to do on your sobriety before you have the right to ask for forgiveness (again, IMHO).

BTW, in terms of days, I have the same amount of sobriety as you.

I wish you the best of luck, I really do.