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Crying Inside & Out

Old 01-08-2012, 09:59 PM
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Crying Inside & Out

I probably just need to vent.I've prayed about it and pretty much know that its ultimately up to my HP to solve. My RAH hasn't been to a meeting in 3 months except to his rehab facility alumni AA meetings to get his monthly chip. He hasn't spoken to his sponsor either. He does take his psych meds (he was diagnosed bipolar & depressive after release from treatment) but is only required to see a grief therapist once a month before he's given more meds. Well his old behaviors are surfacing more & more. I know I can't control him. He won't talk to me and of course his latest bad mood is all my fault. I've been doing real good up to this point at keeping the focus on myself but today I just feel like crying because I feel so helpless. I woke up with a headache and it's 12:55AM and it still hurts. I took some medicine and even put a cool compress on it but I can't find any relief. I'm just so tired. He told me this afternoon when i tried getting him to tell me what was wrong with him that if I don't know after 8 years he's not telling me. It's crazy. I went to work Tuesday with a happy husband, at 7:15PM EST still had a happy husband but by 10PM when I picked him up he was uncommunicative and snappy and has been that way since. I pointed out to him that for at least the last 3 years we've had major arguments around this time of year. I remember because his birthday is the 19th and I can't remember the last time we spent it together. His friend from the program he goes to alumni meetings with called me tonight asking what was up, they noticed he seemed really sad. They said he told them he feels like I have time for everyone else except him. I understand that to a point since I actually work 8 hours a day and don't have the privilege like him to sleep til the afternoon then go to my social club to play cards. Ok, that was sarcastic but I do work all day. When I leave for work he's still sleep and when I come home its late but I do cook a full dinner, which we did eat together but he then takes his meds and goes to sleep. Well my attempt at talking it out tonight was met with hostility, yelling and me being told everything I'm saying is ********. Like I said I prayed, read CAL and my bible and ultimately it's up to my HP but I just really needed to talk to someone.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:08 PM
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Hiya Destiny...
Sorry you are struggling right now.....stick around and keep reading here...you're not alone... ((((((((hugs))))))))
Peace,
B
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Old 01-09-2012, 12:34 AM
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This is your life until you change it. He won't, and you know what's going to happen next. Are you willing to do what you need to do to be happy?

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Old 01-09-2012, 12:35 AM
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Hey Destiny:
I read your post, and had a flashback of my situation. I think the uncertainty of my husband's moods, and the anxiety i always felt around him, are difficult things to deal with. I can imagine you are worried sick that he is missing his meetings, and slipping back to his old behavior. I don't have any advice, because I am new to this whole thing, but I know for a fact that you are not alone in this, and you can add me to your friend list. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:13 AM
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So sorry you're feeling this way.
I wonder if someone else was treating you the way your RAH does would you still act the same way you're acting now?
Would you still be nice and do everything for them even if you're not getting anything back?
You deserve the equal respect from any person you come accross in your life regardless of your feelings for them. An you get respect by demanding it, otherwise you don't get it.
As for you RAH he'll either snap out of it and stay on the right path or not. Either way yours putting up with things you don't like won't make any difference.

I hope this doesn't sounds harsh, I'm only talking from my experience. take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you well
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Old 01-09-2012, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by sesh View Post
So sorry you're feeling this way.
I wonder if someone else was treating you the way your RAH does would you still act the same way you're acting now?
Would you still be nice and do everything for them even if you're not getting anything back?
You deserve the equal respect from any person you come accross in your life regardless of your feelings for them. An you get respect by demanding it, otherwise you don't get it.
As for you RAH he'll either snap out of it and stay on the right path or not. Either way yours putting up with things you don't like won't make any difference.

I hope this doesn't sounds harsh, I'm only talking from my experience. take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you well
Wow, this really hit home for me. I would never let anyone else treat me the way my stbxah treats me. This gives me something to think about. Thank you!
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:41 AM
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Hi Destiny,

Sorry that you are going through this. I think what I went through was very similar, so what I will write is not medical advice, it is my experience. Take what you can and leave the rest.

It seemed to me that what you had written about was more about a bipolar or depression episode. My ex was not diagnosed, but we saw many therapist together that all suggested to me that he needed a medication evaluation and extensive therapy.

Well he wouldn't do it. I did do a lot of research on bipolar, and at first I did this to try to "get him to see the light", I couldn't, I then used it for me "to see the light", I did get it.

Some of the things that yours said to you, is exactly what mine said to me. When he said "if you don't know, after 8 years, then he is not telling you", he might actually have been truthful here ---- now just rearrange that a little to ---- I've been going through this for 8 years, and I don't know why, so how can I tell you???????????", might have been what he meant. Also when he said "everything you say is ********", I heard that one all the time. That one, when my ex said it, meant --- there is so much going on in my mind right now, I can't listen to you, just shut up already.

Is this right? is this respectful? Of course not.

What I learned is that medication alone, will not treat bipolar or depression. It can help ease the symptoms, but it seemed like my ex had one way only of dealing with things, and without therapy, and learning new ways of dealing, he just kept going back to what he knew, and that was ----------to blame me-------.

Is it your job to make him see this? No. You might be able to suggest therapy, but that will probably make him angry. In his reasoning, it could be easier for him to see this as your fault. It would not be "coey" to suggest.

If you decide to do this, speak to a therapist first about the right way, and the right time to do this.

You can not reason with a person who is in a state of depression or bipolar, (who historically blames you), they will begin to see you as the "enemy". So please don't try this. You can set boundaries though at that time.

I lived through this for over 25 years. I got to learn a lot about my ex, esp. from some of the weird things that he would say. I didn't start to associate the weird things, as truthful, until about 2 years before I left him.

My ex was never going to get meds, or go to therapy (for CBT, or DBT, or anything else). He was comfortable blaming me.

Each fight that we had was the same. It was like watching a movie, that you didn't like the ending in it, and just kept hoping, that this time when you watch it, it will end differently. And you watch it over and over, but it still ends the same.
I came to realize that the only way that movie would end differently, is if they rewrote the script, and made the movie over with a different ending. Well, that wasn't going to happen.

What I mean by that, is that your H, only has one script, he doesn't have the "tools" for a different script, and until he does, the movie and the ending will always be the same.

I hope this makes sense.

But, above all, remember you do not deserve this. You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. You can though, walk away at any time.
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