Detaching question
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
For me, detaching is learning to let go of feeling responsibility for the other person's feelings and actions. For example, I still interact with my addict mother and my RASD. However, I believe that their recovery is their business. My mom may never get help for drug addiction. That is her business. It is her chocie. Nothing that I do will fix her or make her choose not to use drugs.
My adult recovering step-daughter has been in and out of treatment programs. I interact with her sometimes. Other times, she disappears for periods of time (doing who knows what). I like to talk to her and spend time with her when she is sober. However, I won't get involved with her recovery in terms of giving her treatment suggestions, calling facilities, watching her usage, etc. I hope that she will find peace in her life. I accept that it is her life to live and that her HP has a plan for her.
My adult recovering step-daughter has been in and out of treatment programs. I interact with her sometimes. Other times, she disappears for periods of time (doing who knows what). I like to talk to her and spend time with her when she is sober. However, I won't get involved with her recovery in terms of giving her treatment suggestions, calling facilities, watching her usage, etc. I hope that she will find peace in her life. I accept that it is her life to live and that her HP has a plan for her.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, I have never had an alcoholic boyfriend or husband, so I can't really speak to that sort of relationship with an alcoholic from personal experience. It seems to me that it involves implementing your boundaries.
If memory serves you already avoid doing things for him that he should be perfectly capable of doing himself (getting to a counselor or a meeting, giving him money, etc.) I think in this situation detaching might be dropping any expectation you have of his behavior. Perhaps you expect him to be able to stop drinking, and yet he still struggles. I'm sure this must be very frustrating for you.....but if you let go of that expectation, life could be much more peaceful. Someone once told me that unmet expectations are future resentments.
If you can love your boyfriend as he is, where he is, without placing your expectations on him.....I believe that is detachment, with love.
But if you find this to be unfulfilling, then there are choices you can make. It is up to you, and you have the right to make the decision that will work best for your life.
If memory serves you already avoid doing things for him that he should be perfectly capable of doing himself (getting to a counselor or a meeting, giving him money, etc.) I think in this situation detaching might be dropping any expectation you have of his behavior. Perhaps you expect him to be able to stop drinking, and yet he still struggles. I'm sure this must be very frustrating for you.....but if you let go of that expectation, life could be much more peaceful. Someone once told me that unmet expectations are future resentments.
If you can love your boyfriend as he is, where he is, without placing your expectations on him.....I believe that is detachment, with love.
But if you find this to be unfulfilling, then there are choices you can make. It is up to you, and you have the right to make the decision that will work best for your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I was so intertwined with my AH alcoholism, that it was effecting me deeply. I was suffering from stress, anxiety and panic, getting myself wound up tight when/what he was drinking, spending money on drink, his behaviours and moods.
Before trying to detach, I had been checking the bank account daily, making an excel spreadsheet of his beer purchases, even backdating it a number of years. Checking the beer fridge daily, keeping a daily 'tally' of the number consumed. Getting involved in pointless drunken arguments with him. Putting up with verbal abuse. Listening to him bad mouth our daughters and general snooping of his on line visits, due to a previous internet affair with an old girlfriend of his. I was reading stuff about healthy alcohol limits and trying to get him to cut down. Pleading with him, crying and sometimes even raging at him in an effort to get him to slow down or stop.
Sounds healthy NOT! He was still drinking of course, as it didnt matter what I tried, he just dug in deeper and told himself that I was the one who needed help, which I did but didnt know it.
Detaching for me was trying not to get 'attached' to his drinking and learning to stop obsessing with it and getting involved with his negative moods etc. It was about learning to walk away from negativity, switching off from the drinking and enjoying the sober him, brunch on a sunday and trying to stay positive for my own health and happiness. I detached further by finding outside the home interests that let me have an avenue to escape, to meet 'nice' people and enjoy a laugh or two.
I had a rollercoaster marriage for 21yrs when I made the link to alcoholism and tried for a further two years to detach with the help of Al-anon, SR and therapy. Life improved dramatically for me, but not enough. Unfortunately, I was unable to detach completely and the drinking still bothered me enough to maintain my stress and anxiety symptoms. Thats when I knew that I would have to leave to gain my own sanity back.
I have never felt more healthy and happy in my entire life as I do now. Leaving was the best thing I have done and the ultimate detachment.
Before trying to detach, I had been checking the bank account daily, making an excel spreadsheet of his beer purchases, even backdating it a number of years. Checking the beer fridge daily, keeping a daily 'tally' of the number consumed. Getting involved in pointless drunken arguments with him. Putting up with verbal abuse. Listening to him bad mouth our daughters and general snooping of his on line visits, due to a previous internet affair with an old girlfriend of his. I was reading stuff about healthy alcohol limits and trying to get him to cut down. Pleading with him, crying and sometimes even raging at him in an effort to get him to slow down or stop.
Sounds healthy NOT! He was still drinking of course, as it didnt matter what I tried, he just dug in deeper and told himself that I was the one who needed help, which I did but didnt know it.
Detaching for me was trying not to get 'attached' to his drinking and learning to stop obsessing with it and getting involved with his negative moods etc. It was about learning to walk away from negativity, switching off from the drinking and enjoying the sober him, brunch on a sunday and trying to stay positive for my own health and happiness. I detached further by finding outside the home interests that let me have an avenue to escape, to meet 'nice' people and enjoy a laugh or two.
I had a rollercoaster marriage for 21yrs when I made the link to alcoholism and tried for a further two years to detach with the help of Al-anon, SR and therapy. Life improved dramatically for me, but not enough. Unfortunately, I was unable to detach completely and the drinking still bothered me enough to maintain my stress and anxiety symptoms. Thats when I knew that I would have to leave to gain my own sanity back.
I have never felt more healthy and happy in my entire life as I do now. Leaving was the best thing I have done and the ultimate detachment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I think the best way for me to think of it is to think that I am not responsible for his happiness and he is not responsible for mine. I can choose to be happy whether he is drinking or not. I don't have to take care of him when he is capable of doing it himself. I don't have to prevent consequences of his drinking. All I need to do is take care of myself.
Its not an easy concept to embrace if you have built your life around someone and have tried to control their drinking. But if you slowly try it will give your chance to focus on things and people other than the A.
Its not an easy concept to embrace if you have built your life around someone and have tried to control their drinking. But if you slowly try it will give your chance to focus on things and people other than the A.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I also wonder sometimes. I guess you need to let go and focus on yourself, your thoughts and your actions. It is not that you have to stop loving the other person...it is just that you have to let that person be responsible for himself/herself and what he/she does in life. You should not lie and cover up thinking that you are actually doing good and protecting your alcoholic. That is not love. You may think it is, but it is not. You might be a couple, but then again you must not let the other side devour your personality, you should not sacrifice yourself because of your partner's addiction. It is in a way like the process of growing up and learning to be responsible for one's own actions. It seems to me that alcoholics are stuck somewhere in this process, and codependents help them stay stuck (codependents are stuck too, and they need to learn that they are responsible for their OWN actions ONLY.). If you detach, you let your alcoholic face the consequences of his/her actions, and that is again a part of growing up. That is how I see things now.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Detaching means letting go of expectations. You can be with a person, but let go of his/her addiction and what the future will be. It's not an emotion, it's an intention to not get sucked into another person's drama.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by choublak 
What is the point of staying in a relationship if you're going to detach?
I've come to the sad conclusion that there isn't a point, at least for me. Someone's choosing a beverage over their relationships with actual human beings--no, there's no point spending any time or energy on them.
That's just where I'm at, hope it's not too much of a downer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by akrasia
Choublak, you've really found the heart of the dilemma of being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
I've come to the sad conclusion that there isn't a point, at least for me. Someone's choosing a beverage over their relationships with actual human beings--no, there's no point spending any time or energy on them.
That's just where I'm at, hope it's not too much of a downer.
I've come to the sad conclusion that there isn't a point, at least for me. Someone's choosing a beverage over their relationships with actual human beings--no, there's no point spending any time or energy on them.
That's just where I'm at, hope it's not too much of a downer.
You've explained it perfectly.
I guess some of what I read on here confuses me...but maybe that's a good thing?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
I've always struggled with this same issue...why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who they HAVE to detach from? My own conclusion was to leave AH, and that makes the most sense for me. I want to be in a relationship with someone I can trust and be open and vulnerable with, otherwise I feel like it's a waste of my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by PixieGirl
I've always struggled with this same issue...why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who they HAVE to detach from?
So I guess detaching means, don't be their like their "mother" doing things for them which they are capable of doing themselves?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know, for me, active alcoholism and/or addiction is a deal-breaker for me.
I won't have it in my life. Life shouldn't be that hard, being exposed regularly to the insanity and trying to detach, at least not in my books.
My AD isn't someone I could "divorce" like my EXAH, but my interactions with her are extremely limited, usually a brief conversation if/when she calls.
I don't need her drama and addictions in my life, period.
I won't have it in my life. Life shouldn't be that hard, being exposed regularly to the insanity and trying to detach, at least not in my books.
My AD isn't someone I could "divorce" like my EXAH, but my interactions with her are extremely limited, usually a brief conversation if/when she calls.
I don't need her drama and addictions in my life, period.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I know, for me, active alcoholism and/or addiction is a deal-breaker for me.
I won't have it in my life. Life shouldn't be that hard, being exposed regularly to the insanity and trying to detach, at least not in my books.
I won't have it in my life. Life shouldn't be that hard, being exposed regularly to the insanity and trying to detach, at least not in my books.
I'm a former alcoholic myself. Maybe it seems strange, but I think this makes the addiction thing even MORE of a dealbreaker than with someone who hasn't walked that path. I've been there, done that, and I simply won't put up with it.
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