help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
help!
I've read this topic over and over on this site. However, every one I read is about a highly young and toxic relationship. I feel my situation is a little different.
About 7 months ago, I met a girl and had an instant connection with her. Within a few months, I could tell she was dealing with some very alcoholic tendencies. Our relationship blossomed quickly. However, a dui made her realize just how out of hand she was getting. She stopped herself in her tracks and is treating her condition as if it were full blown alcholism and is now 4 months sober and dealing with the probation. When she made the decision to confront her alcoholic tendencies before she got further out of control, we also made the decision to step back and just be friends. She wanted to concentrate on healing and I wasn't really ready for a relationship myself. We both needed to concentrate on bettering ourself. We have become very close and I have very deep feelings for her. She has made it clear to me she only wants friendship, that she cant handle more and needs to concentrate on healing. And honestly I'm on the same page. We have a very open relationship, very honest, very healthy, very happy. We act as friends but its clear we both care much more than that. We are there for each other as we both jump hurdles of our own.
But I do know that though she stopped herself before she was a raging alcoholic, its not gonna be any easier on her to recover. I found this sight trying to find ways to be supportive. But as I read story after story of women falling for recovering alcoholics and things growing toxic and setting themself up for heartbreak, it honestly freaked me out. Am I crazy? Should I run the other way? I'm honestly in love with her but I won't tell her about the depth of my feelings because I know neither of us needs it right now. But I also don't want to hope for more later only to be hurt. 4 months sober is really early on the road to recovery. However, if its been nothing but healthy, why dump it? I'm so confused!
About 7 months ago, I met a girl and had an instant connection with her. Within a few months, I could tell she was dealing with some very alcoholic tendencies. Our relationship blossomed quickly. However, a dui made her realize just how out of hand she was getting. She stopped herself in her tracks and is treating her condition as if it were full blown alcholism and is now 4 months sober and dealing with the probation. When she made the decision to confront her alcoholic tendencies before she got further out of control, we also made the decision to step back and just be friends. She wanted to concentrate on healing and I wasn't really ready for a relationship myself. We both needed to concentrate on bettering ourself. We have become very close and I have very deep feelings for her. She has made it clear to me she only wants friendship, that she cant handle more and needs to concentrate on healing. And honestly I'm on the same page. We have a very open relationship, very honest, very healthy, very happy. We act as friends but its clear we both care much more than that. We are there for each other as we both jump hurdles of our own.
But I do know that though she stopped herself before she was a raging alcoholic, its not gonna be any easier on her to recover. I found this sight trying to find ways to be supportive. But as I read story after story of women falling for recovering alcoholics and things growing toxic and setting themself up for heartbreak, it honestly freaked me out. Am I crazy? Should I run the other way? I'm honestly in love with her but I won't tell her about the depth of my feelings because I know neither of us needs it right now. But I also don't want to hope for more later only to be hurt. 4 months sober is really early on the road to recovery. However, if its been nothing but healthy, why dump it? I'm so confused!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi britt, and welcome to SR! I am glad you found us. 
I can tell you as both a recovering alcoholic/addict, and recovering codependent that I can be of little help to anyone unless I am putting my own recovery first and foremost.
You have been affected by this girl's alcoholism, and it's important you find ways to heal yourself.
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me. There I have found face-to-face support among those who understand. It helped me get the focus off of the alcoholic/addict in my life (my oldest daughter) and put the focus back on me.
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a book I highly recommend.
I also have been in therapy off and on over the years to work through issues. Are you open to counseling or therapy?
It is hard and it is confusing when involved emotionally with an alcoholic, whether they are in recovery or not.
My only regret is I didn't start sooner in addressing my codependency issues after I left my EXAH. I spent many years denying that I had tons of issues and that walking away from that marriage did not make my issues go away.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.
I can tell you as both a recovering alcoholic/addict, and recovering codependent that I can be of little help to anyone unless I am putting my own recovery first and foremost.
You have been affected by this girl's alcoholism, and it's important you find ways to heal yourself.
Alanon has been a lifesaver for me. There I have found face-to-face support among those who understand. It helped me get the focus off of the alcoholic/addict in my life (my oldest daughter) and put the focus back on me.
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a book I highly recommend.
I also have been in therapy off and on over the years to work through issues. Are you open to counseling or therapy?
It is hard and it is confusing when involved emotionally with an alcoholic, whether they are in recovery or not.
My only regret is I didn't start sooner in addressing my codependency issues after I left my EXAH. I spent many years denying that I had tons of issues and that walking away from that marriage did not make my issues go away.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
I'm open to therapy. I have done counseling off and on throughout the last few yrs of my life. However, I don't see codependency as my problem... I use to be that person. Eberyone came first in my life and I was always last... especially to those who didn't deserve it. That's an issue I've personally overcame and have done very well as putting myself as a prority. Part of the reason I don't want a relationship is because I still feel I'm achieving some goals for myself that I put aside many years for women I was dating. My feelings are deep for this girl but they aren't foggy. My head is on straight and I'm still prioritizing myself. She's very helpful to me as I am to her. Like I said, we have a very healthy relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
britt, I would say it sounds like you and your friend are on the right track. Take it slow. Let her work on herself while you work on yourself. Relationships are challenging regardless of whether or not they involve addictions.
We can't predict the future. Sure, reading posts here can freak someone out who is considering a relationship with a recovering A. But remember - not everyone shares the same journey. Your friend sounds young and committed so far...who knows...she may never pick up another drink in her life. But maybe she will. Or maybe you will marry, have a family, and she develops cancer. Maybe you will. You see - there is NO guarantee.
If she truly makes you as happy as you say - put your fears aside and focus on enjoying the ride! I have no regrets going down this path, and I feel confident I can handle myself in my relationship with my recovering A just fine now. I think that is all that really matters. Good luck!
We can't predict the future. Sure, reading posts here can freak someone out who is considering a relationship with a recovering A. But remember - not everyone shares the same journey. Your friend sounds young and committed so far...who knows...she may never pick up another drink in her life. But maybe she will. Or maybe you will marry, have a family, and she develops cancer. Maybe you will. You see - there is NO guarantee.
If she truly makes you as happy as you say - put your fears aside and focus on enjoying the ride! I have no regrets going down this path, and I feel confident I can handle myself in my relationship with my recovering A just fine now. I think that is all that really matters. Good luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome, Britt. The first question that comes to my mind is, "What's the rush?" (Which is actually a very good question for me, as well, with regards to dating again.) It sounds like things were good before you both stepped back so she could focus on her recovery, the friendship is currently growing stronger.
It also sounds like she still needs some room and isn't ready to step the friendship up to a relationship. Things will progress, or not, without pushing.
I know the desire to *know* whether or not taking a chance on a relationship will be worthwhile is so strong. I find myself probing that question about the guy I've been seeing (first after divorcing XAH) - rather like a sore tooth that your tongue can't leave alone, you know? I just keep going back to it, thinking, over-thinking it... But, there aren't any guarantees. I can just approach this fledgling relationship with an open mind and let the relationship grow as it does. That's not saying I'm ... leaving it all to chance, but, I'm trying to make the base for the relationship (which ever way it goes) a strong one, by working on my issues and tying to keep the communication lines open.
It also sounds like she still needs some room and isn't ready to step the friendship up to a relationship. Things will progress, or not, without pushing.
I know the desire to *know* whether or not taking a chance on a relationship will be worthwhile is so strong. I find myself probing that question about the guy I've been seeing (first after divorcing XAH) - rather like a sore tooth that your tongue can't leave alone, you know? I just keep going back to it, thinking, over-thinking it... But, there aren't any guarantees. I can just approach this fledgling relationship with an open mind and let the relationship grow as it does. That's not saying I'm ... leaving it all to chance, but, I'm trying to make the base for the relationship (which ever way it goes) a strong one, by working on my issues and tying to keep the communication lines open.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
y'all both just made me feel much better. Honestly, there is no rush. I want friendship and nothing more now too. Its just I get nervous at the thought of feeling so deep with someone when there are so many what ifs? Our friendship is great and very uplifting for each of us. However, I keep pondering the idea of dating other people just to distract the deeper feelings I have. But the last thing I want to do is complicate feelings when I don't want a relationship at all right now in my life. Thank you for your help.
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