Considering Separation...experiences?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Considering Separation...experiences?
Hi,
Just looking for some feedback about people that have separated from their alcoholic or emotional/verbal abusive loved one. How did it go over? Was there any change? Difficulties? Did you have kids?
What were your major struggles?
Was it easy or difficult to welcome your loved one back?
I am seriously considering this option, for a number of reasons. Mostly it is
because where we live right now I have no family nearby to get support from.
I'm pretty isolated. Everyone wants me to come closer to home. It won't be
an easy move if I do it...and I know my husband will probably be devastated.
Trying to absorb all the reprecusions and not screw this up.
Advice would really be helpful at this point in time.
CJ
Just looking for some feedback about people that have separated from their alcoholic or emotional/verbal abusive loved one. How did it go over? Was there any change? Difficulties? Did you have kids?
What were your major struggles?
Was it easy or difficult to welcome your loved one back?
I am seriously considering this option, for a number of reasons. Mostly it is
because where we live right now I have no family nearby to get support from.
I'm pretty isolated. Everyone wants me to come closer to home. It won't be
an easy move if I do it...and I know my husband will probably be devastated.
Trying to absorb all the reprecusions and not screw this up.
Advice would really be helpful at this point in time.
CJ
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi CalamityJane,
I left my verbally abusive, AH of 23yrs about 8 months ago but i didnt have an agenda. He had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. It took about 18months of therapy, SR and Al-anon for me to realise that i was important, my life was important and I deserved much more than the life I was living and would continue to do so if I chose to stay with an active alcoholic. I didnt leave as a 'wake up call', a hope of him reaching his rock bottom. I expected to live the rest of my life without him, but moving forward in a new direction, a healthier direction for me.
My AH did find his rock bottom a few weeks after I left and has been sober for almost 6 months. He works really hard to stay that way. We currently spend weekends together and a date night mid week. He knows that I will never live with active alcoholism again and shows me that he gets it by being a stable, loving, attentive, kind, partner who is willing to listen and accept responsibility for his past behaviors. He is in therapy and continuing to stay healthy and I continue to take care of me.
I have just spent two weeks with my AH for the holiday period and it has been great. We have been talking, getting to know each other again and healing the past. Its definitely a work in progress. Both of us know what a messed up marriage and life we had and both intend to continue to work hard on the stability that we are both feeling now. Its very early days in both of our recoveries, but long may it continue.
I left my verbally abusive, AH of 23yrs about 8 months ago but i didnt have an agenda. He had told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. It took about 18months of therapy, SR and Al-anon for me to realise that i was important, my life was important and I deserved much more than the life I was living and would continue to do so if I chose to stay with an active alcoholic. I didnt leave as a 'wake up call', a hope of him reaching his rock bottom. I expected to live the rest of my life without him, but moving forward in a new direction, a healthier direction for me.
My AH did find his rock bottom a few weeks after I left and has been sober for almost 6 months. He works really hard to stay that way. We currently spend weekends together and a date night mid week. He knows that I will never live with active alcoholism again and shows me that he gets it by being a stable, loving, attentive, kind, partner who is willing to listen and accept responsibility for his past behaviors. He is in therapy and continuing to stay healthy and I continue to take care of me.
I have just spent two weeks with my AH for the holiday period and it has been great. We have been talking, getting to know each other again and healing the past. Its definitely a work in progress. Both of us know what a messed up marriage and life we had and both intend to continue to work hard on the stability that we are both feeling now. Its very early days in both of our recoveries, but long may it continue.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
The cliff notes of my story.
My ah was not abusive verbally or otherwise while we were married. There was emotional manipulation and some passive aggressive stuff.
I asked him to leave and he refused so I filed for divorce to get temporary court orders that gave me custody and the house.
He went off to rehab. I asked that he live elsewhere when he returned. At 6mos if things were going smoothly I agreed to go to marriage counseling. Lots of emotional manipulation/abuse/threats about taking the kids later I said he could come back home and I didn't follow up on the divorce and temporary orders.
He did not follow through on treatment, got fired, started to drink again, I said the drinking was a deal breaker. He went ballistic. He ranted and raved at me for *hours and hours* night after night. During which time I would not say one word. He told the kids how things were my fault. He threatened me with taking the kids.
I did not have any 'recovery' before I started this and for some reason I did not see how rediculous I was being by not just getting him OUT. I kept being 'reasonable' and waiting for him to find a place. I regret it with every fiber of my being and it put the nail in the coffin for any any any hope that a relationship with him would ever work out regardless of what he did with his drinking so we are divorced now.
My major struggle was not having any clear boundaries when I started. Not having any recovery. I was very worried about him. He's a grown man and can worry about himself. I should have been worried about the kids and I. I'm the only one them and I had. Someone has to take care of *us* and that person is me. I regret not doing a very good job of it those 2-3 months.
My ah was not abusive verbally or otherwise while we were married. There was emotional manipulation and some passive aggressive stuff.
I asked him to leave and he refused so I filed for divorce to get temporary court orders that gave me custody and the house.
He went off to rehab. I asked that he live elsewhere when he returned. At 6mos if things were going smoothly I agreed to go to marriage counseling. Lots of emotional manipulation/abuse/threats about taking the kids later I said he could come back home and I didn't follow up on the divorce and temporary orders.
He did not follow through on treatment, got fired, started to drink again, I said the drinking was a deal breaker. He went ballistic. He ranted and raved at me for *hours and hours* night after night. During which time I would not say one word. He told the kids how things were my fault. He threatened me with taking the kids.
I did not have any 'recovery' before I started this and for some reason I did not see how rediculous I was being by not just getting him OUT. I kept being 'reasonable' and waiting for him to find a place. I regret it with every fiber of my being and it put the nail in the coffin for any any any hope that a relationship with him would ever work out regardless of what he did with his drinking so we are divorced now.
My major struggle was not having any clear boundaries when I started. Not having any recovery. I was very worried about him. He's a grown man and can worry about himself. I should have been worried about the kids and I. I'm the only one them and I had. Someone has to take care of *us* and that person is me. I regret not doing a very good job of it those 2-3 months.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I identify with everything said. I had to go. It took years. Alanon helped and I had a very good sponsor. I loved my X alot but just could not handle the anger, fear, powerlessness of active addiction. I don't know but think he probably still uses.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I left my emotionally and verbally abusive AH when he crossed the line into physical abuse.
How did it go over? You mean with him? He hated it. But that doesn't matter. The only way I could have pleased him would have been to stay and get abused and quite possibly killed. I kind of like being alive.
Was there any change? Leaving gave me and the children a fighting chance to start dealing with the fallout of years of abuse. Leaving gave me my life back. Or if you mean for him? I didn't care if he lived or died at that point. But he went into rehab half-heartedly, thinking that if he just went through the motions I'd give him an A for effort and move back "home". Instead, I filed for divorce. He got his 100-day chip. About a month after that, he was back to drinking a bottle of hard liquor every night after work again. There is no doubt in my mind he'll drink himself to death.
Difficulties? Nothing not-overcome-able. It's a PITA to start over, but people came out of the woodwork to help. Amazingly enough, I found there were alcoholics all around me, and families of those alcoholics who knew exactly what I was dealing with, and who gave me everything from utensils to dressers to oil changes to help me out. It sounds corny, but really, the response I got from everyone from coworkers to complete strangers restored my faith in humanity.
Did you have kids? Three kids, all diagnosed with PTSD, all in counseling, all struggling with loving their father and hating him at the same time.
What were your major struggles? Fear and guilt. I was afraid that he would snap and come after us and kill us. When he goes on benders, I'm still afraid of that. But I've taken measures to protect us against that, including never leaving the house unarmed, and taking up martial arts (the kind where you learn to kill a man with your bare hands). I don't see that as giving in to my fear, I see it as taking charge. Guilt for leaving -- but that dissipated with working the Al-Anon program and coming to understand that I am NOT responsible for the choices of other people, no matter how much they want me to think otherwise.
Was it easy or difficult to welcome your loved one back?
You said separation -- for me, that was just step 1. I immediately went on to step 2, filing for divorce. We had been around the block too many times on the quit drinking, start again, apologize, be abusive, apologize and wallow in self-pity carousel. I was done.
If you are thinking about welcoming him back before you've left, you're not serious. If you are going to leave, you need to be ready for the possibility that he might NOT accept your boundaries and you may end up with a divorce. Or, worse, you might end up reneging on your boundaries and taking him back though he's still actively drinking -- and then you've proved to him that you won't leave. If you're threatening to leave, you have to be willing to follow through.
They never think you will.
YOU need to know in your mind that you're doing this for YOU. Not as a trick to get him to get sober. That might sounds as one of those pesky pieces of advice we're not supposed to give here, but that's what someone told me, and it really helped me. But it took me about three years from that point until I was ready.
How did it go over? You mean with him? He hated it. But that doesn't matter. The only way I could have pleased him would have been to stay and get abused and quite possibly killed. I kind of like being alive.
Was there any change? Leaving gave me and the children a fighting chance to start dealing with the fallout of years of abuse. Leaving gave me my life back. Or if you mean for him? I didn't care if he lived or died at that point. But he went into rehab half-heartedly, thinking that if he just went through the motions I'd give him an A for effort and move back "home". Instead, I filed for divorce. He got his 100-day chip. About a month after that, he was back to drinking a bottle of hard liquor every night after work again. There is no doubt in my mind he'll drink himself to death.
Difficulties? Nothing not-overcome-able. It's a PITA to start over, but people came out of the woodwork to help. Amazingly enough, I found there were alcoholics all around me, and families of those alcoholics who knew exactly what I was dealing with, and who gave me everything from utensils to dressers to oil changes to help me out. It sounds corny, but really, the response I got from everyone from coworkers to complete strangers restored my faith in humanity.
Did you have kids? Three kids, all diagnosed with PTSD, all in counseling, all struggling with loving their father and hating him at the same time.
What were your major struggles? Fear and guilt. I was afraid that he would snap and come after us and kill us. When he goes on benders, I'm still afraid of that. But I've taken measures to protect us against that, including never leaving the house unarmed, and taking up martial arts (the kind where you learn to kill a man with your bare hands). I don't see that as giving in to my fear, I see it as taking charge. Guilt for leaving -- but that dissipated with working the Al-Anon program and coming to understand that I am NOT responsible for the choices of other people, no matter how much they want me to think otherwise.
Was it easy or difficult to welcome your loved one back?
You said separation -- for me, that was just step 1. I immediately went on to step 2, filing for divorce. We had been around the block too many times on the quit drinking, start again, apologize, be abusive, apologize and wallow in self-pity carousel. I was done.
If you are thinking about welcoming him back before you've left, you're not serious. If you are going to leave, you need to be ready for the possibility that he might NOT accept your boundaries and you may end up with a divorce. Or, worse, you might end up reneging on your boundaries and taking him back though he's still actively drinking -- and then you've proved to him that you won't leave. If you're threatening to leave, you have to be willing to follow through.
They never think you will.
YOU need to know in your mind that you're doing this for YOU. Not as a trick to get him to get sober. That might sounds as one of those pesky pieces of advice we're not supposed to give here, but that's what someone told me, and it really helped me. But it took me about three years from that point until I was ready.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 years. We had decided to try it because our therapist suggested it. The only way I would consider it was to think of it as being partners living in 2 different households. We agreed to both look for a place and whoever found one first would leave. I don't think he ever did look for a place. He had become verbally abusive and threatened physical abuse. I was not scared per se, just knew how unhealthy it was for both of us.
We have 2 grown children so I was able to move out by myself. It was 6 months of doing something I had never done before- live alone. It's when I started going to Al Anon. So for as hard as it was, it was a time of tremendous growth. I learned who to lean on and how much strength I had.
I returned back to my home 6 months later and he moved out. We have had very little contact. Sometimes it is his choice, sometimes it is mine- especially after some hurtful encounters. I still think of him daily, Miss him daily. I have not filed for divorce, he has not moved toward divorce or reconciliation. I hear from friends and relatives that he is drinking more and has switched from beer to vodka.
I realize that for as much as I miss him and keep hoping for us to come back together, I know that if he showed up on my doorstep right now, I could not welcome him back. I will not live with him as an active alcoholic. If he were to get into rehab and work on himself for a good year, then maybe we can start to rebuild our relationship.
Good luck to you in whatever path you choose.
We have 2 grown children so I was able to move out by myself. It was 6 months of doing something I had never done before- live alone. It's when I started going to Al Anon. So for as hard as it was, it was a time of tremendous growth. I learned who to lean on and how much strength I had.
I returned back to my home 6 months later and he moved out. We have had very little contact. Sometimes it is his choice, sometimes it is mine- especially after some hurtful encounters. I still think of him daily, Miss him daily. I have not filed for divorce, he has not moved toward divorce or reconciliation. I hear from friends and relatives that he is drinking more and has switched from beer to vodka.
I realize that for as much as I miss him and keep hoping for us to come back together, I know that if he showed up on my doorstep right now, I could not welcome him back. I will not live with him as an active alcoholic. If he were to get into rehab and work on himself for a good year, then maybe we can start to rebuild our relationship.
Good luck to you in whatever path you choose.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 218
I have been separated from my AW for over two months now. We are headed for a divorce, just waiting on the paperwork! At first it was somewhat scary, confusing, and sad. But now after I have been in my new place for a month, I find that I am quite happy there. I don't have to worry about taking care of anyone but myself and my dog. At times, I still miss her, but I look back and I realize that almost all of the memories I have were from when she was drunk. I can now go out to a sports bar, watch a game, listen to music and have a drink without having to worry about being a bad influence to her, or having to keep an eye on her drinking. The separation time has given me the time to detach from all of the control issues I had. Al-Anon has helped, along with Divorce Recovery classes and counseling. It's crazy to see who I had become while I was with her. Separation could give you the same freedom to remember who you are, and what you want to do or be. We didn't have kids, so that wasn't an issue. The biggest issues that I had was the initial loneliness. The wondering where she was and what she was doing. Was she missing me, or had she forgotten about me. That passes with time and is probably pretty typical.
There is support around you, it's just not in the normal places that you would have looked for before. Family is always supportive, and they are most likely going to be "Pro" you, so it helps to get some outside views to keep perspective. This has helped me to see that even though she left, I had my own issues and my own faults in the relationship. It also helped me to see that it wasn't all my fault!
I don't expect to get back together with my AW anymore, so I'm not sure what I would do if the opportunity arose. I think it would be very difficult to do, to not let the emotions of her actions to affect my attitude and treatment of her. But perhaps that too will change with time. I would like to thank that I have grown enough to handle it, but it would be tough. The biggest issue would be the trust.
I also wouldn't be able to return if she had done nothing to work on her own issues. And I don't honestly believe that she has.
Right now, based on the last communication that I received from her, she is doing fine and doesn't want me in her life, so I accept her decision and I am moving on.
So that was a long winded answer for whether separation works out. I'm sure for some who aren't dealing with an A, this might be easier, but for those dealing with an A, there are so many more dynamics that have to be addressed/considered. If this is something you decide to do, I hope it works out in the way that is best for you.
There is support around you, it's just not in the normal places that you would have looked for before. Family is always supportive, and they are most likely going to be "Pro" you, so it helps to get some outside views to keep perspective. This has helped me to see that even though she left, I had my own issues and my own faults in the relationship. It also helped me to see that it wasn't all my fault!
I don't expect to get back together with my AW anymore, so I'm not sure what I would do if the opportunity arose. I think it would be very difficult to do, to not let the emotions of her actions to affect my attitude and treatment of her. But perhaps that too will change with time. I would like to thank that I have grown enough to handle it, but it would be tough. The biggest issue would be the trust.
I also wouldn't be able to return if she had done nothing to work on her own issues. And I don't honestly believe that she has.
Right now, based on the last communication that I received from her, she is doing fine and doesn't want me in her life, so I accept her decision and I am moving on.
So that was a long winded answer for whether separation works out. I'm sure for some who aren't dealing with an A, this might be easier, but for those dealing with an A, there are so many more dynamics that have to be addressed/considered. If this is something you decide to do, I hope it works out in the way that is best for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I separated because my husband was not willing to admit he had a problem or change in any way.
We were separated for a year. it made no difference.
I filed for divorce.
Separation, for me, was the baby step to leaving. It wasn't really about him at all. It was about me gathering the courage to say I wasn't getting my needs met.
Do what you need to do for you.
He'll do whatever he does.
Good luck.
We were separated for a year. it made no difference.
I filed for divorce.
Separation, for me, was the baby step to leaving. It wasn't really about him at all. It was about me gathering the courage to say I wasn't getting my needs met.
Do what you need to do for you.
He'll do whatever he does.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow lillamy - that was well said!
I have been separated from my RAH for a year now. We've been up and down, round and round. Came [this close] to divorce on several occasions. He hated me moving out, but as lillamy said - it gave me and my girls a chance to step back, breath, and recover in our own way, on our own terms, in our own safe space.
We are now in marriage counseling. He is over one year sober. It's still a ride, but one that I am far more equipped to deal with given the work I have done on ME in the last year+. That's the key - are you doing this because YOU think your life is unmanageable as it is? Or to shock him into some kind of behavior change?
Either way - one never knows for certain the consequences, so be prepared to accept whatever comes your way from the choices you make.
Take good care,
~T
I have been separated from my RAH for a year now. We've been up and down, round and round. Came [this close] to divorce on several occasions. He hated me moving out, but as lillamy said - it gave me and my girls a chance to step back, breath, and recover in our own way, on our own terms, in our own safe space.
We are now in marriage counseling. He is over one year sober. It's still a ride, but one that I am far more equipped to deal with given the work I have done on ME in the last year+. That's the key - are you doing this because YOU think your life is unmanageable as it is? Or to shock him into some kind of behavior change?
Either way - one never knows for certain the consequences, so be prepared to accept whatever comes your way from the choices you make.
Take good care,
~T
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Another one who made the break here. Took me 8 years to realise he wasn't going to change and he actually stopped drinking a few years before I left him. He was very manipulative, selfish and emotionally/verbally and at times in the past, physically abusive.
Accepting unacceptable behaviour time and time again eventually renders them acceptable. I think we forget what its like to have a healthy relationship, not just with our A's but with ourselves too.
I don't know why I stayed so long. It was like a form of punishment looking back, maybe not thinking or realising I deserved better and could actually get it.
I had gotten to the stage where I was bordering on hatred. I couldn't bear to be near him so when I made him leave I didn't so much as shed a tear, in fact the day after I was redecorating the house, blasting music and making plans to go out with friends. It was like I'd been freed from prison or something. I was allowed to be me again.
Others find it harder, miss their A's etc...but I think that comes from remembering the good times or not being able to give up the hope; the dream of a happy future if only they would quit drinking. If you live in the now, remember that the good times were few and far between and remember that you are important to and that you only get one life then it will get much easier with time and you will LOVE being single/free.
Have a look at this thread ----> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-my-list.html
Great lists there from people who have left or are thinking ahead to what it could be like. Will bump it for you too.
Accepting unacceptable behaviour time and time again eventually renders them acceptable. I think we forget what its like to have a healthy relationship, not just with our A's but with ourselves too.
I don't know why I stayed so long. It was like a form of punishment looking back, maybe not thinking or realising I deserved better and could actually get it.
I had gotten to the stage where I was bordering on hatred. I couldn't bear to be near him so when I made him leave I didn't so much as shed a tear, in fact the day after I was redecorating the house, blasting music and making plans to go out with friends. It was like I'd been freed from prison or something. I was allowed to be me again.
Others find it harder, miss their A's etc...but I think that comes from remembering the good times or not being able to give up the hope; the dream of a happy future if only they would quit drinking. If you live in the now, remember that the good times were few and far between and remember that you are important to and that you only get one life then it will get much easier with time and you will LOVE being single/free.
Have a look at this thread ----> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-my-list.html
Great lists there from people who have left or are thinking ahead to what it could be like. Will bump it for you too.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Was it easy or difficult to welcome your loved one back?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
My husband and I separated in May 2011. We've been married 16 years and have four kids. He started drinking alcoholically 8 years ago; the last 2 years have been really tough. I knew a year ago that I could not hack it much longer, and squirreled away some cash and got our finances in good order. In May I finally hit bottom and asked him to leave.
I guess I hoped that asking for separation would get his attention. It did in some ways, but he continues to drink and does not feel he has a problem with alcohol.
My best advice for you is to figure it out ahead of time, make a plan, SET YOUR BOUNDARIES, and stick with them.
Separation has been very painful, but living with alcoholism was much harder.
I went into our separation really hoping he might get into recovery and in a year or two we could consider reconciliation, but I don't (sadly) think that's going to happen. He is not intending to give up alcohol. Living without him, my kids and I are so much less stressed. And the longer I live on my own, the happier I am. I grieve the loss of my friend and husband and marriage, but I think I grieve a fantasy more than my reality.
We have, by the way, been able to have a fairly amicable separation after the tumultuous first 6 months. That has been a blessing and we are communicating pretty well. We've decided to pursue legal separation.
I guess I hoped that asking for separation would get his attention. It did in some ways, but he continues to drink and does not feel he has a problem with alcohol.
My best advice for you is to figure it out ahead of time, make a plan, SET YOUR BOUNDARIES, and stick with them.
Separation has been very painful, but living with alcoholism was much harder.
I went into our separation really hoping he might get into recovery and in a year or two we could consider reconciliation, but I don't (sadly) think that's going to happen. He is not intending to give up alcohol. Living without him, my kids and I are so much less stressed. And the longer I live on my own, the happier I am. I grieve the loss of my friend and husband and marriage, but I think I grieve a fantasy more than my reality.
We have, by the way, been able to have a fairly amicable separation after the tumultuous first 6 months. That has been a blessing and we are communicating pretty well. We've decided to pursue legal separation.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Accepting unacceptable behaviour time and time again eventually renders them acceptable. I think we forget what its like to have a healthy relationship, not just with our A's but with ourselves too.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Tally, this is what I'm dreaming of..
right now as I prepare to leave the week the week of the 23rd while he is away. I DREAM about it every night - blasting music, unpacking, dancing in my new home and feeling free - I can't wait (tears rolling down my face as I type this) and I am where you were bordering on the edge of hatred. EVERYTIME he opens that bottle EVERY night, I completely detach and hardly say one word to him. I hate it, I hate it. There will NEVER EVER be another bottle of that whiskey in my new house, EVER!
Originally Posted by Tally 
I had gotten to the stage where I was bordering on hatred. I couldn't bear to be near him so when I made him leave I didn't so much as shed a tear, in fact the day after I was redecorating the house, blasting music and making plans to go out with friends. It was like I'd been freed from prison or something. I was allowed to be me again.
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