What to say to an enabler
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 14
What to say to an enabler
Hi everyone, I'm fairly new to posting so hope I can get some opinions to my problem.
I'll just get straight to the point instead of telling the "whole" story..
My alcoholic/drug addict daughter went to a 60-90 day treatment program yesterday. Which I'm thankful for.
My problem is that I'm not sure if she went for the right reason. (again thankful that she's there) I took custody of my granddaughter in Sept. so the courts told her that she wouldn't have a chance of regaining custody of her unless she went to treatment.
Her other "reason" was that she worked for a dentist, had veneers done on her teeth, she only had temporary ones until the permanent ones came in. While in between that time, she got caught stealing from her work, she left and never went back and of course he fired her.
Her in lays part of the problem, the temporary veneers fell off, so of course she has little stubs for teeth now. Now her "Uncle" has given the dentist a promissory note stating that he will pay the $6000 to finish her teeth off (which would have been free if she hadn't stolen".)
His condition was go to treatment and I will pay to get your teeth done.. This same Uncle went and paid the money my daughter had stolen from her employer so that they wouldn't charge her.. I told him don't, she needs to feel the consequences of her actions.. They went behind my back and paid it.
There are other things that he has done behind my back, giving her money, filling up her gas tank at least once a week...buys her food.. little does he know that she uses that gas to go visit her "ex" drug addict boyfriend whom is not allowed near my home or my granddaughter due to a criminal past that included minors. That she also drank the day she got out of a 7 day detox program.
He was going behind my back and he was telling my daughter things that he and I had talked about!! So a month ago I told him that I would no longer discuss anything with him.
He has an agenda, mostly to try and get my granddaughter (he's tried for many years) (he had an allegation of sexual misconduct against him by a nephew of mine many years ago) He sends her at least 5 text messages a day (she is only 11) alot of them are "baby, I love you so much, baby you're mine, I can fix anything baby. I love you soooo much baby and so on. Showed them to my counselor yesterday and he agreed they are inappropriate for him to send those to her.
I have just found out that he got my daughter to agree that I will have no part of her recovery and that only her "uncle" is to get any info from the treatment centre.
I also just found in her phone a text from him to my daughter that if she stays in the program that he will pay for her car insurance that's in arrears which is around $1000, he will get her an apartment/furniture/computer etc. when she gets out of treatment.
There is so much more I can write and maybe will later, but I just wanted some opinions if him telling her he's going to do all this when she gets out of recovery if that is another form of enabling?
I thought she should have to face up to her responsibilities, she did cheque kiting and owes one bank alot of money, credit cards, car payment (she's been hiding her car so the repo man doesn't get it. and so on and so on.
They think I was wrong for kicking her out of my house and that I wouldn't let her back in.. yet they WOULDN'T let her in their home for one night.
I'll just get straight to the point instead of telling the "whole" story..
My alcoholic/drug addict daughter went to a 60-90 day treatment program yesterday. Which I'm thankful for.
My problem is that I'm not sure if she went for the right reason. (again thankful that she's there) I took custody of my granddaughter in Sept. so the courts told her that she wouldn't have a chance of regaining custody of her unless she went to treatment.
Her other "reason" was that she worked for a dentist, had veneers done on her teeth, she only had temporary ones until the permanent ones came in. While in between that time, she got caught stealing from her work, she left and never went back and of course he fired her.
Her in lays part of the problem, the temporary veneers fell off, so of course she has little stubs for teeth now. Now her "Uncle" has given the dentist a promissory note stating that he will pay the $6000 to finish her teeth off (which would have been free if she hadn't stolen".)
His condition was go to treatment and I will pay to get your teeth done.. This same Uncle went and paid the money my daughter had stolen from her employer so that they wouldn't charge her.. I told him don't, she needs to feel the consequences of her actions.. They went behind my back and paid it.
There are other things that he has done behind my back, giving her money, filling up her gas tank at least once a week...buys her food.. little does he know that she uses that gas to go visit her "ex" drug addict boyfriend whom is not allowed near my home or my granddaughter due to a criminal past that included minors. That she also drank the day she got out of a 7 day detox program.
He was going behind my back and he was telling my daughter things that he and I had talked about!! So a month ago I told him that I would no longer discuss anything with him.
He has an agenda, mostly to try and get my granddaughter (he's tried for many years) (he had an allegation of sexual misconduct against him by a nephew of mine many years ago) He sends her at least 5 text messages a day (she is only 11) alot of them are "baby, I love you so much, baby you're mine, I can fix anything baby. I love you soooo much baby and so on. Showed them to my counselor yesterday and he agreed they are inappropriate for him to send those to her.
I have just found out that he got my daughter to agree that I will have no part of her recovery and that only her "uncle" is to get any info from the treatment centre.
I also just found in her phone a text from him to my daughter that if she stays in the program that he will pay for her car insurance that's in arrears which is around $1000, he will get her an apartment/furniture/computer etc. when she gets out of treatment.
There is so much more I can write and maybe will later, but I just wanted some opinions if him telling her he's going to do all this when she gets out of recovery if that is another form of enabling?
I thought she should have to face up to her responsibilities, she did cheque kiting and owes one bank alot of money, credit cards, car payment (she's been hiding her car so the repo man doesn't get it. and so on and so on.
They think I was wrong for kicking her out of my house and that I wouldn't let her back in.. yet they WOULDN'T let her in their home for one night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 63
Hi Wanttohelp,
Thanks for posting in the forum, you are in the right place!
If I were in your position, I would arrange in the courts to make sure that she has to be drug/alcohol tested regularly if she does regain custody of your granddaughter.
In my parenting plan with my ex, he is not allowed to drink or use drugs within 12 hours of parenting time. At my discretion, I can request that he submit a drug/alcohol test if I suspect him of using. In order to protect him, I have to pay for the test if it comes back negative. If it comes back positive, he cannot have visitation with the children until a clean test. This works well. I want my children to have a relationship with their father, but it is my priority to keep them safe. We moved far away from him because it was always some crazy drama being close to him. Now he has been in and out of jail some more and I am grateful that we are not there having to be near to him.
Your priority is to take care of yourself and your granddaughter. Sounds like you are doing a good job already
I would definitely consider what the uncle is doing to be enabling. An alcoholic has to face up to the consequences of their actions or there is no incentive to change.
Thanks for posting in the forum, you are in the right place!
If I were in your position, I would arrange in the courts to make sure that she has to be drug/alcohol tested regularly if she does regain custody of your granddaughter.
In my parenting plan with my ex, he is not allowed to drink or use drugs within 12 hours of parenting time. At my discretion, I can request that he submit a drug/alcohol test if I suspect him of using. In order to protect him, I have to pay for the test if it comes back negative. If it comes back positive, he cannot have visitation with the children until a clean test. This works well. I want my children to have a relationship with their father, but it is my priority to keep them safe. We moved far away from him because it was always some crazy drama being close to him. Now he has been in and out of jail some more and I am grateful that we are not there having to be near to him.
Your priority is to take care of yourself and your granddaughter. Sounds like you are doing a good job already
I would definitely consider what the uncle is doing to be enabling. An alcoholic has to face up to the consequences of their actions or there is no incentive to change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 34
Hi Iwanttohelpher. I am currently a recovering drug addict and I know with absolute certainty that if someone had paid off all my debts and promised to fix all my future problems as you have mentioned above that I would have NEVER gotten sober. When someone is addicted, they usually do not have a real sense of reality (I know I didn't). Having someone clean up your mess/continue to help you while you are using only adds to the distorted reality. I hope that your daughter stays in treatment, but it is essential that she wants to be there, and that she realizes her life style is destroying her life (which will be hard to realize if someone is paying off all her debts, buying her new expensive teeth, and getting her an apartment for free). I would try giving the enabler a list of reasons why he his making the situation worse, not better. I would also try to explain that he is only adding to her distorted reality, where there are no consequences, and where doing drugs/drinking only brings rewards. I hope things get better for you and your family, your granddaughter is extremely lucky to have you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Unfortunately similar to how we can't "help" the loved ones in our life struggling with addiction I myself have found that I can't "help" the loved ones in my life struggling with enabling. I am not saying you do not have a valid concern. I am saying though that for me when I would talk to my mother in law about my ex's behavior I would often get as wound up as talking to my ex as she did not believe he struggled with alcohol concerns.
This board has been so helpful for me in figuring some of this out. A posting a couple of weeks ago is really making me consider my motivation in my behavior at times over the past few years.
Welcome I think you are in a great place, and though I am sorry for the reason you are here I am glad you posted....it has helped me to learn also.
This board has been so helpful for me in figuring some of this out. A posting a couple of weeks ago is really making me consider my motivation in my behavior at times over the past few years.
Welcome I think you are in a great place, and though I am sorry for the reason you are here I am glad you posted....it has helped me to learn also.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I see it differently than the other two posters. I see that this is not all about enabling by the uncle, I see motives that run much deeper. He sounds like a classic sexual pervert and I
would not allow him to text your grandaughter or have any contact with her. His overall behavior is out of line.
I would keep all the inappropiate texts, and advise him to not contact her again. If he continous to contact her I would get a restraining order against him.
What your adult daughter does is another matter, it is her life, I would turn her over to the HP and let go. There is nothing you can do but stay out of the way.
I would also make certain that your grandaughter is legally protected, so that she will not be placed back with your daughter.
Just my 2 cents, take what you want and leave the rest.
Sending support your way...Dolly
would not allow him to text your grandaughter or have any contact with her. His overall behavior is out of line.
I would keep all the inappropiate texts, and advise him to not contact her again. If he continous to contact her I would get a restraining order against him.
What your adult daughter does is another matter, it is her life, I would turn her over to the HP and let go. There is nothing you can do but stay out of the way.
I would also make certain that your grandaughter is legally protected, so that she will not be placed back with your daughter.
Just my 2 cents, take what you want and leave the rest.
Sending support your way...Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I agree with Dolly - Uncle has his own agenda and getting your daughter sober is NOT on it.
Protect the minor grandaughter! She is innocent and needs protection.
Sadly, the adult Uncle and adult daughter are making their own choices.
Tough stuff - your GD is so lucky to have you. Be strong.
Peace-
B
Protect the minor grandaughter! She is innocent and needs protection.
Sadly, the adult Uncle and adult daughter are making their own choices.
Tough stuff - your GD is so lucky to have you. Be strong.
Peace-
B
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by dollydo 
I see it differently than the other two posters. I see that this is not all about enabling by the uncle, I see motives that run much deeper. He sounds like a classic sexual pervert and I
would not allow him to text your grandaughter or have any contact with her. His overall behavior is out of line.
would not allow him to text your grandaughter or have any contact with her. His overall behavior is out of line.
I have no experience with that part of this, so don't fee like it is my place to comment, but I did get a not so good feeling in my stomach reading it in the original note. I guess that in and of itself could be my experience, strength and hope on it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I wouldn't bother with the relationship between Uncle and AD; you can't do anything about it. He's trying to exploit her, she's trying to exploit him--let them at it. My guess is the AD will prevail, A's are so clever and wily and good at exploiting others.
I also am most concerned about your granddaughter. Her options are so poor. Go back to an A mother who is obligated to a possible child molester or maybe even be granted custody by mother to uncle. It's not unheard of for A parents to prostitute their children for drugs and money. Most often it's done with a blind eye so the parent can pretend they had no idea of what was going on....
I know you don't want to even think about that possibility, but it seems that there's something in you that in your guts is suspicious. Honor that suspicion, better be safe than sorry.
There's a couple things you can do to protect your granddaughter. One is to take your suspicions to the CPS worker; it's unlikely custody will ever be given to an uncle rather than a grandmother, but it doesn't hurt to have the suspicions on record.
Another thing is to molest proof your granddaughter. You want to guard against her going home to her mother who suddenly starts spending a lot of time with Uncle. The girl scouts has a great program for this. Look around for resources. If you teach her to protect herself, you really empower her.
Also I'm with the others who say cut off the contact between the child and the uncle. Me, and I'm a different person from you so I'm not advising you what you should do, but I know me, I would myself speak to the uncle and tell him that I find his interest in niece inappropriate, creepy and suspicious and that I took my suspicions to the authorities and that whatever happens, I am going to be watching carefully. It might not be advisable in your situation because uncle might strike back and might seek your AD's cooperation to remove you and your influence from your granddaughter.
I'm very sorry for your situation. I thought it was terrible having an addicted spouse. Then I had an addicted spouse with whom I had small dependent children. It was much worse. Then I had an addicted adult child and that was worse. At least when I was just a spouse divorce was an option; you just leave them to their destiny. It's impossible to divorce your own child, all you can do is get off the roller coaster and save yourself and watch while they choose to self destruct.
It's got to be just the worst thing to have a beloved grandchild trapped in the A lifestyle, you are powerless and the grandchild suffers through no choice of his/her own. The evil of addiction knows no limit. My prayers and heart are with you.
I also am most concerned about your granddaughter. Her options are so poor. Go back to an A mother who is obligated to a possible child molester or maybe even be granted custody by mother to uncle. It's not unheard of for A parents to prostitute their children for drugs and money. Most often it's done with a blind eye so the parent can pretend they had no idea of what was going on....
I know you don't want to even think about that possibility, but it seems that there's something in you that in your guts is suspicious. Honor that suspicion, better be safe than sorry.
There's a couple things you can do to protect your granddaughter. One is to take your suspicions to the CPS worker; it's unlikely custody will ever be given to an uncle rather than a grandmother, but it doesn't hurt to have the suspicions on record.
Another thing is to molest proof your granddaughter. You want to guard against her going home to her mother who suddenly starts spending a lot of time with Uncle. The girl scouts has a great program for this. Look around for resources. If you teach her to protect herself, you really empower her.
Also I'm with the others who say cut off the contact between the child and the uncle. Me, and I'm a different person from you so I'm not advising you what you should do, but I know me, I would myself speak to the uncle and tell him that I find his interest in niece inappropriate, creepy and suspicious and that I took my suspicions to the authorities and that whatever happens, I am going to be watching carefully. It might not be advisable in your situation because uncle might strike back and might seek your AD's cooperation to remove you and your influence from your granddaughter.
I'm very sorry for your situation. I thought it was terrible having an addicted spouse. Then I had an addicted spouse with whom I had small dependent children. It was much worse. Then I had an addicted adult child and that was worse. At least when I was just a spouse divorce was an option; you just leave them to their destiny. It's impossible to divorce your own child, all you can do is get off the roller coaster and save yourself and watch while they choose to self destruct.
It's got to be just the worst thing to have a beloved grandchild trapped in the A lifestyle, you are powerless and the grandchild suffers through no choice of his/her own. The evil of addiction knows no limit. My prayers and heart are with you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I have to agree - sounds like a case of uncle "grooming the mother to have access to the daughter" - with nefarious sexual intentions.
Neither of his "relationships" with either mother (your daughter) or daughter (your granddaughter) sounds within normal parameters for an uncle.
The previous allegation of sexual misconduct by another minor relative is a quadruple scintillating red flag!!
Listen to those gut feelings and red flags waving...
CLMI
Neither of his "relationships" with either mother (your daughter) or daughter (your granddaughter) sounds within normal parameters for an uncle.
The previous allegation of sexual misconduct by another minor relative is a quadruple scintillating red flag!!
Listen to those gut feelings and red flags waving...
CLMI
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
I agree with above posts who is this guy? Sounds like he is a text book pediphile. Did he have access to your AD when she was young? Is he trying to go for the next generation? Does the granddaughter have a relationship with her father? Maybe you can get him on board with you to keep this creep away from your gd.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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When I read your post I immediately thought what Dolly and the others do.
Save everything you can, the 'text messages' to your gd, any other proof of is actions toward your daughter etc They are all directed at getting in between you and your AD so that he will have sole access to the grand daughter.
Your daughter on the other hand thinks she has a 'sugar daddy' and that if she plays her cards right she can 'bleed' him dry.
You are correct to be concerned about your grand daughter. Your daughter however is 'free' to do as she wants.
You may want to talk to CPS about his actions toward your gd, show them the texts, and see if they can, because he is also a convicted sex offender, get a restraining order against him for the gd.
Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Save everything you can, the 'text messages' to your gd, any other proof of is actions toward your daughter etc They are all directed at getting in between you and your AD so that he will have sole access to the grand daughter.
Your daughter on the other hand thinks she has a 'sugar daddy' and that if she plays her cards right she can 'bleed' him dry.
You are correct to be concerned about your grand daughter. Your daughter however is 'free' to do as she wants.
You may want to talk to CPS about his actions toward your gd, show them the texts, and see if they can, because he is also a convicted sex offender, get a restraining order against him for the gd.
Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
I have so much respect for you for stepping in and doing the right thing for your granddaughter.
Like many other who responded red flags started waving wildly about this Uncle. If it were me I would keep the inappropriate texts to your granddaughter and block him from her phone. If you have custody of the child you have both the right and the responsibility to decide who is safe and who isn't. My radar is telling me that this man is not safe. Not safe at all.
You cannot control what either he or your daughter do. You do have control when it comes to your granddaughter. Try to focus on making her life as joyful and fun as possible (doing the same to yours in the process!), on building a shared happy history that help her to heal from whatever mess her mother has already made in her life and that will carry her through whatever lies ahead in her life. 11 is a wonderful and very important age in the life of a girl. I know it must be very hard but don't let your daughter take one more minute from the life of this child by diverting your attention with any more games. Working Uncle Creepy is just one more game....one that a judge is not likely to be too amused by. Refuse to play. Try Apples to Apples instead...it is a great game to play with an 11 year old!
Like many other who responded red flags started waving wildly about this Uncle. If it were me I would keep the inappropriate texts to your granddaughter and block him from her phone. If you have custody of the child you have both the right and the responsibility to decide who is safe and who isn't. My radar is telling me that this man is not safe. Not safe at all.
You cannot control what either he or your daughter do. You do have control when it comes to your granddaughter. Try to focus on making her life as joyful and fun as possible (doing the same to yours in the process!), on building a shared happy history that help her to heal from whatever mess her mother has already made in her life and that will carry her through whatever lies ahead in her life. 11 is a wonderful and very important age in the life of a girl. I know it must be very hard but don't let your daughter take one more minute from the life of this child by diverting your attention with any more games. Working Uncle Creepy is just one more game....one that a judge is not likely to be too amused by. Refuse to play. Try Apples to Apples instead...it is a great game to play with an 11 year old!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 14
Thank you all SO MUCH. I'm going to reply hopefully tonight sometime. She has caused more chaos and she's not even here and creepy uncle now has gotten his wife and daughter to call me none stop as I won't turn on my granddaughters phone and I won't answer there calls on my house phone.
You all validated what was in my gut. Lots of (((HUGS))) to you all.
Will post again soon. Just wanted to let you all know that your replies mean alot to me!
You all validated what was in my gut. Lots of (((HUGS))) to you all.
Will post again soon. Just wanted to let you all know that your replies mean alot to me!
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