Husband is in rehab, what do I tell my daughter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: HOUSTON TEXAS
Posts: 2
Husband is in rehab, what do I tell my daughter?
Today is a sad night for me. I am desperate, and I need advice. Is it sad to seek advice from strangers?My husband entered rehab for alcohol in early November. His parents enrolled him in an inpatient program in the Dominican Republic, where they live. We did not have the funds, or healthcare for him to go somewhere here in the States. We have an 8 yr old daughter. He is an excellent father to her, and I am proud of his choice to find help.
The problem I am having, is that I am going through many different emotions regarding the separation we are experiencing. My daughter misses him so bad, and I miss him. He is not allowed to make regular phone calls, or write letters. I dont have experience with rehab, but is this normal? I feel so left out, out of the loop, and I am starting to resent him. While he is in rehab, I am stuck dealing with closing a business that failed due to his illness, and all the lawsuits that followed. Besides all the financial problems I am left to clean up, I had to move in with family since I cannot afford a note on my own. My daughter is unhappy living where we are, and she keeps asking when he will be coming back. I dont know when or if he is going to come back. I feel like if he was planning on coming back, then I would be an active part in his recovery. Am I wrong?
I finally spoke to his therapist for the first time since he arrived, and she was helpful, but I want to hear from my husband. And my daughter wants to hear from him. Is this normal rehab procedures or have I been abandoned?
I am sad. I am so worried that I am on my own, and do not know it, and i haven't made a plan.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Sorry you're feeling this way.
In my experience telling my kids the truth was a good thing to do. They were 11 and 6 at the time, and they both could understand it much better than one would think. At the time my RAH was in hospital and very ill, and when I told my kids the truth they felt relieved, since they didn't have to guess what is going on any more. IMHO kids are very intuitive and they know so much more than we give them the credit for. Our trying to protect them by withholding the info is only making them confused and fearful.
While my RAH was in rehab we had very limited contact with him. During the first month we had no contact with him at all, I could phone once a week and get the info on him from the staff. After that we could only exchange letters. (This is in Bosnia, I have no idea how it works in States, but this program was really helpful to him).
His recovery is his thing, that only he has to own. I'm afraid you can not be part of his recovery, you can be suportive of it, but not part of it. That's the way it works. That is the battle he has to won himself, you can not help it.
All you can do for right now is try to orgniaze yourself, do things for you and your D, to make the best life for you two right now.
I hope your husband will do good at his recovery.
Take care
In my experience telling my kids the truth was a good thing to do. They were 11 and 6 at the time, and they both could understand it much better than one would think. At the time my RAH was in hospital and very ill, and when I told my kids the truth they felt relieved, since they didn't have to guess what is going on any more. IMHO kids are very intuitive and they know so much more than we give them the credit for. Our trying to protect them by withholding the info is only making them confused and fearful.
While my RAH was in rehab we had very limited contact with him. During the first month we had no contact with him at all, I could phone once a week and get the info on him from the staff. After that we could only exchange letters. (This is in Bosnia, I have no idea how it works in States, but this program was really helpful to him).
His recovery is his thing, that only he has to own. I'm afraid you can not be part of his recovery, you can be suportive of it, but not part of it. That's the way it works. That is the battle he has to won himself, you can not help it.
All you can do for right now is try to orgniaze yourself, do things for you and your D, to make the best life for you two right now.
I hope your husband will do good at his recovery.
Take care
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Houston, Welcome to SR!
I'm glad you decided to reach out for help for yourself and your daughter. Your husband is exactly where he needs to be to get help. It's your turn now.
I hope you will take the time to read around these boards and learn all you can about alcoholism. The stickies located at the top of each forum contain really great, basic information.
One thing I've learned is that rehab is not just a one-and-done deal. He won't come out of rehab "cured"--he is at the very, very beginning of a lifetime of change. If you read the threads written by others here who have struggled with alcoholism, early recovery is a scary time, and emotions are all over the place.
As I have no children, I do not have experience talking to children about addiction. There are several great threads here on this very topic. Truth is important in a language at the child's level.
Come here to vent and ask questions any time. Best to you and your whole family!
I'm glad you decided to reach out for help for yourself and your daughter. Your husband is exactly where he needs to be to get help. It's your turn now.
I hope you will take the time to read around these boards and learn all you can about alcoholism. The stickies located at the top of each forum contain really great, basic information.
One thing I've learned is that rehab is not just a one-and-done deal. He won't come out of rehab "cured"--he is at the very, very beginning of a lifetime of change. If you read the threads written by others here who have struggled with alcoholism, early recovery is a scary time, and emotions are all over the place.
As I have no children, I do not have experience talking to children about addiction. There are several great threads here on this very topic. Truth is important in a language at the child's level.
Come here to vent and ask questions any time. Best to you and your whole family!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I wish my mom had just been truthful and available for questions and honest while I was growing up with an A dad.
Instead she was obsessed with his problems, defensive about how dysfunctional our family was, and made me always feel like we had something to hide and be ashamed of.
I was younger than 8 when I knew alcohol was a "thing" in our family and that it altered my dad and pissed off my mom.
Have you tried AlAnon? I am sure many parents in AlAnon have struggled with the very questions you are asking. Good luck to you and your daughter and I hope your hubby finds sobreity and recovery - but whether he continues to drink or not you and DD (dear daughter) can build a strong and authentic relationship and have peace and joy in YOUR lives!
Peace-
B
Instead she was obsessed with his problems, defensive about how dysfunctional our family was, and made me always feel like we had something to hide and be ashamed of.
I was younger than 8 when I knew alcohol was a "thing" in our family and that it altered my dad and pissed off my mom.
Have you tried AlAnon? I am sure many parents in AlAnon have struggled with the very questions you are asking. Good luck to you and your daughter and I hope your hubby finds sobreity and recovery - but whether he continues to drink or not you and DD (dear daughter) can build a strong and authentic relationship and have peace and joy in YOUR lives!
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Kingston, PA
Posts: 14
Ask her if she has noticed if he has been acting 'sick' sometimes, especially when he drinks his whatever it is that he drinks and that he had to go away to a special place where he can get better, but when he is better, he will be back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
Hi there,
My daughter is 7, and my husband is just about to finish a 60 day stint in rehab. I was troubled by how much to tell her, because even though she was "living it" she did not realize outwardly that her Daddy had a big problem. To her, it was just life. However, they were/are not close, and she has not missed him much. I was/am very honest with her. It's going to be an uphill battle for them to relate and for her to trust him.
In terms of communication, I have had lots with him and with the staff. He is pretty nearby, though.... so maybe that is the difference.
Best wishes to you. Parenting during this process is rough and confusing.
L.
My daughter is 7, and my husband is just about to finish a 60 day stint in rehab. I was troubled by how much to tell her, because even though she was "living it" she did not realize outwardly that her Daddy had a big problem. To her, it was just life. However, they were/are not close, and she has not missed him much. I was/am very honest with her. It's going to be an uphill battle for them to relate and for her to trust him.
In terms of communication, I have had lots with him and with the staff. He is pretty nearby, though.... so maybe that is the difference.
Best wishes to you. Parenting during this process is rough and confusing.
L.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi & welcome,
I think the no-contact stuff is very normal in rehab. And I second telling your daughter the truth. I told my children that their dad had a disease called alcoholism that made him unable to control how much he drinks, and that unless he gets help to stop drinking, he might die. Harsh? Maybe. But it was important to me that, after years of lies and half-truths, the kids know the truth.
I think the no-contact stuff is very normal in rehab. And I second telling your daughter the truth. I told my children that their dad had a disease called alcoholism that made him unable to control how much he drinks, and that unless he gets help to stop drinking, he might die. Harsh? Maybe. But it was important to me that, after years of lies and half-truths, the kids know the truth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is it...
...I couldn't have said it any better myself. You know have a chance to create a culture of truth and replace the culture of lies and cover-ups. I wish I had done so with my now 16 year old daughter when she was five. In retrospect it was the right thing to do-- I wish I had done it.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
I wish my mom had just been truthful and available for questions and honest while I was growing up with an A dad.
Instead she was obsessed with his problems, defensive about how dysfunctional our family was, and made me always feel like we had something to hide and be ashamed of.
I was younger than 8 when I knew alcohol was a "thing" in our family and that it altered my dad and pissed off my mom.
Have you tried AlAnon? I am sure many parents in AlAnon have struggled with the very questions you are asking. Good luck to you and your daughter and I hope your hubby finds sobreity and recovery - but whether he continues to drink or not you and DD (dear daughter) can build a strong and authentic relationship and have peace and joy in YOUR lives!
Peace-
B
Instead she was obsessed with his problems, defensive about how dysfunctional our family was, and made me always feel like we had something to hide and be ashamed of.
I was younger than 8 when I knew alcohol was a "thing" in our family and that it altered my dad and pissed off my mom.
Have you tried AlAnon? I am sure many parents in AlAnon have struggled with the very questions you are asking. Good luck to you and your daughter and I hope your hubby finds sobreity and recovery - but whether he continues to drink or not you and DD (dear daughter) can build a strong and authentic relationship and have peace and joy in YOUR lives!
Peace-
B
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