Time4me

Thank you Thumper.

I know in my heart that soon after much reading, posts, seeing a therapist and going to Al-ANON meetings again that I will figure this out. I do need to work on me but most of my energy for so many years has been about what is wrong with him. I can feel that I am getting to closer to changing my focus on what I need to be happy and healthy and not what he is doing wrong. Not on telling him what he needs to do but instead say, hey this is what I need to be in this relationship and either you will do it or we are done. It's funny as it just hit me how this is similar to what I recently learned in a parenting seminar. Instead of demanding what you want your kid to do a good strategy to get your child to feel less controlled is to give them options. Of course both options you give are ones you are willing to live with. I use this strategy now all the time when one of our kids is acting up. I tell them you have a choice to make, you can either behave and stay here with the rest of us or you can continue to throw a fit but you will be doing it alone in your room. It's works everytime and it's their choice. Wow, isn't that crazy how easy it is for me to see the power in that for our kids but I never once thought of it as setting boundaries and how it would work with my AH too?

dollydo

IMHO seperating accounts is the only way to function. Addicts all are poor money managers, they are impulsive, childish and have a sense of entitlement. I have seen too many end up penneyless because they comingled their funds. All the text book ideas on how a marriage should work are tossed out the window when one is married to an addict.

Get those bounderies in place, however, remember do not set a boundry that you are really not going to enforce, that becomes an idle threat and only weakens your position. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

My best...Dolly

Hopeworks

Time4me,

One of my favorite sayings is "Life is nothing but a series of choices and how well you make them charts your future".

I have your personality and am very, very strong willed and can be highly controlling and like you I was often rebellious and argumentative with my parents.... who were wackadoodle alcoholic and codependent and obvilious to their children.

I chose to minor in psychology, stay in therapy and read, read, read and while my choices have not always been good I have been able to navigate the stormy times with making good choices. Finally at the halfway point in my life I am truly happy and achieving balance.

So... you see that you have choices to make and in turn your mate will have choices to make and the art is allowing him to be the adult he is supposed to be and to start making healthy decisions.

Your husband needs to address his own issues and it is not an area he can grow in if you continue to "script" everything for him (I do this too if I don't check myself).

He obviously needs a therapist to deal with his mother and that toxic relationship should most likely be shelved for a period of time. Sometimes the A wants pain and hardship in their life so they have a reason to drink and can gain SYMPATHY!

Can you see that you are so sorry for him for his broken past that you overlook his bad behavior???

Tell you husband this... my father shot rifles over my head while dead drunk so I could hear the sound of the bullet whizzing by my ear.... more than once. He ran over my beloved pet poodle and then backed over him 3 more times to make sure he was dead. He used to fire guns out of the windows of our house and one more than one occassion pretended to commit suicide. He told my mother that if she left him he would burn the house down just like a friend of his did (and got away with it).

My father was certifiably insane while drunk and after years of incredible abuse my mother FINALLY got herself and my siblings out of the house.

My point is that there are millions and millions of people out there with stories of abuse much greater than mine or his... and we can choose to mire ourselves in the past and refuse to move past it or we can get into therapy and recovery.

I forgave my father for his abuse and let him know I loved him before he died... alone and an alcoholic. I have many positive attributes from my father but I do have some of his weaknesses too and I am very conscious of those things.

Your husband must make the CHOICE to stop feeling sorry for himself and making everyone suffer around him because he won't take the steps to get better and move forward.

If you he won't choose to get well then the healthy choice for you is to remove yourself until he resolves HOW he wants to live the rest of his life... drinking or sober, emotionally healthy or crippled, gainfully employed or be a loser bum forever etc...

He chooses his path and you choose yours and they may go seperate directions.

As for the program...that is a tricky thing. You could put a GPS on his leg and see if he really atttends (we have a monitoring company that does this ...lol) but physically being at the meeting doesn't mean a lot.

REAL recovery will be seen and felt in a very real and tangible way with a program of action that reaps results and real fruit! You will KNOW that you KNOW if it is real recovery without snooping.

If it is AA meetings are not the heart of it...it is a sponsor to whom he will be accountible and do the 12 steps. But... there are sponsors and then there are sponsors and if he is slacking and just trying to cool you out he will seek a weak person and do as little as possible.

More will be revealed and time will tell... if he jumping through hoops to keep you ensnared in his insanity you will see if progress is being made soon enough!

Don't sweat it... set your boundaries and let him take the wheel of his recovery and let him know that if he doesn't FIGURE IT OUT himself and get it together that your future will be taking a different course.

If you chart his course and drive the boat you will be responsible for any failures!!!!

Make sense? Let him grow up and be a man and bear the consequences of his own decisions... that is what I did and lo and behold my guy stepped up because I got out of his way!