tryintosmile

There are times where I feel as though I'm in a normal relationship. Normal in the sense where things aren't always perfect -- but whose relationship is? Alcohol or not. Then when he has his drunken rages and suddenly everything is wrong, I feel crazy. Sad to say but if he were always a 'nice drunk' I could almost handle it. He does a lot of the right things like maintain a job and is fairly responsible, although he used to be very responsible. He can be very thoughtful and caring. It's never totally bad. The 'disease' has progressed. He puts off many things he used to take care of immediately. He still hasn't fixed the sliding glass door he smashed and jammed into the wall on its slider over a year ago. It's like we've become used to looking at it - with the frames off where he attempted to fix it but gave up. It represents our relationship.

I'm still here because of the promise to get sober. I'd really like to leave before he goes into any form of recovery. We're supposed to be heading to a preliminary meeting next week. He's put off several already but tells me that he booked the time off work. I'm scared of him going into recovery. I'm imagining that he'll be worse than EVER. I'm betting I don't even know what eggshells REALLY are yet. Honestly - why should anyone want to go through that? Because they're being 'supportive'?

I know some people who have felt bad when their A's have gone into recovery and found new loves, or just plain got addicted to meetings and were never home, etc. I sometimes think I'm just waiting for him to recover so that he can see that there's been far too much damage and it can't be repaired and that he's better off to create a new start with someone he hasn't put through the ringer. That probably sounds crazy but I do feel sort of crazy. After 15 years of this it either breaks you or you go into a cocoon where you don't allow yourself to feel much of anything - except kinda crazy every once in a while. All I know is that something WILL change. I just don't know what it will be yet.

tryintosmile

Oh I know this was a dumb little rant. It's just that there have been so many times I've wanted to come on here and talk about something insane that has been going on in the past few months and I stopped myself because no sooner do I write about something, things seem okay again ... at least for a while.

I've no excuses and I'm not trying to make any. I just don't understand myself or why I've become so complacent. Suffice it to say that I'm angry with myself that I continue to put up with the bad stuff and decide the good stuff makes up for it. Geez - what if my biggest problem is that when I weigh everything out - it ends up being as good as it is bad, and it's just so hard to make a decision? Sometimes it really seems that way.

Sometimes it's just easier not to think about it and hope that it will somehow go away. I've done such a good job at ignoring this elephant in the room. That's not an accomplishment ...

choublak

Sorry, why did he do this?

tryintosmile

A fit of rage. It doesn't happen very often but I know once is probably too much. I'd rather it be an object than me and so far it always has been.

citygirl2

Hi tryintosmile -

I can relate to your situation because when the A's are nice it gives you hope and makes you question if you should leave or not.

My XAB was a "nice" drunk. He started drinking beer as soon as he woke up and didn't stop until he fell asleep at night. He would constantly tell me that his behavior never changed. This was totally untrue. He was never physically violent, but he was emotionally cruel. He would make little comments that would make me question my behavior. NOTHING was ever his fault and he constantly criticized me.

He had a great personality (if you didn't live with him) and women loved him. He had "emotional" affairs on a regular basis. When I realized he had brought one of these women to my house, I put him out. He moved in with her two days later. This was in November, so he spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years with her. I missed him so much and kept thinking about all the plans we had. I still miss the fun we had. However, I know he will never change because he doesn't think his drinking is a problem.

As hard as it's been to live without him, I know I made the right choice. This forum has been my salvation and I have printed out so many posts and I read them every day. I go to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow because I don't want to repeat this behavior ever again. The pain is awful, but when I was with him the pain was awful, too.

When I found this site two months ago, I was reading a post and I actually thought it was about my boyfriend. As I kept reading, I thought we were all with the same man (lol). The forums have made me realize that the A's behavior is pretty much the same (lying, cheating, nasty comments). I keep reminding myself of this to keep strong because I know he will try to come back when his new relationship fails. There is no way I will bring that pain back into my life.

Don't be angry with yourself. The good times are hard to forget.

Threshold

I find myself asking "what am I waiting for?"

the day he gets better, of course, the day he realizes what a gem I am and acts accordingly.

But I know the reality is that as long as he is in active addiction...he's not going to get better, he's going to get worse.

And one day it's a beer bottle he smashes, then his fist through a wall, then a piece of furniture. I can't hang in there pretending that it wont one day be me. It's not him talking anymore, it's the booze, and the booze doesn't give a rat's patoot about me...

tryintosmile

Wow CityGirl - you are doing great! I've been on this site for over 3 years and I still can't get it right. I listen to everything. I see what the people are going through. I read my story on someone else's post and then I go back to my life and just get on with it. I love the inspiration here. It should be more than enough for what I need and yet I feel as though I am in a quicksand where I'm just sinking very slowly - but surely - and it's just a matter of when that 'surely' happens.

I've gone back after his cheating and lying, because he always played it down to be 'nothing', and somehow I've ended up going along with that. For me, it has been like dealing with 2 different people with almost completely different personalities. I used to love one and hate the other. Now I just think I hate both of them.

I wish you success and hope you'll hold the strength to weather this storm, once and for all.

tryintosmile

I thought he would have physically harmed me by now and that would be my bottom line. He seems to know that. I think A's are pretty smart when it comes to being able to keep their enablers. They know where the 'breaking point' is and they come as close to it as they can - without going over ...

TCB5568

This also sounds exactly like my AH. I'm new to this site and been married to A for 10 years. It seemed o.k. until we had a couple kids and his drinking continues and the kids are suffering the most right now..and I'm an emotional roller coaster. Don't know what to do exactly about it yet but kids are definite priority.

citygirl2

tryintosmile -

I'm only doing better now because after four and a half years I couldn't take the constant pain of the other women in his life. When he was with me, he was funny, a great card player, would go anywhere on a moments notice and kept the house in immaculate condition. I still miss those things so much.

We used to talk six or seven times on the phone each day while we were at work. The loneliness is horrible. We split up several times, but I always took him back because I missed the "good" times. But the good times were replaced by "okay" times and quite a few "bad" times. When I finally realized it wasn't going to get any better, I found out about the other woman. It was a double whammy and I just put him out in anger. I'm glad he moved in with her right away because I probably would have taken him back again. After being out of the situation for two months, it's getting a little easier.

There is no easy answer. I just don't think they change without treatment.

Willybluedog

tryingtosmile,

Please don't be too hard on yourself, we all cope in our own way.

Counseling has been a huge help for me, also, I just received and started reading the Big Red Book from the ACOA.

One of the 14 characteristics is Staying with someone because deep down we don't feel we derserve better and don't want to be abandoned. This was a big head smacker for me as I have always done this.

Best of luck to you, please come back often, I will be here if you need someone to lean on.

Bill

tryintosmile

Thanks Bill - I am hard on myself because I have no excuses - other than - you're right - this may be all I feel I deserve. Who would want someone as tainted as me. I used to be young, beautiful and vibrant and somewhat normal. Now I'm old, ugly and dull and sick (or at least that's the way I feel). I am selling myself out, because I think my ship has sailed and this is the best I will get now. I always say to myself - it could be worse - and it really could - I know that. I'm a very fortunate person in many ways. I count my blessing every day and there are many - despite what I'm going through here. I shouldn't be complaining at all. For whatever reason I've chosen to stay in this, I must accept it if I plan to stay.

LifeRecovery

This post has made me smile....not because it is light hearted but because I thought you all were talking about my ex.

I have had an easier time with myself when I remember that it takes what it takes...and that is different for everyone.

I was in counseling (for myself), had read and was working on my codependency when I met my ex. I continued to go to counseling all the years we were married....to work on myself. I kept saying in sessions...."I will deal with his alcohol use once I fix myself."

We dated for two years when I did not really realize there was an alcohol problem (red flags but had not acknowledged them), two weeks after getting married I realized it (and then did not know what to do). I knew about Al-anon from the start. I have a great counselor who has worked both sides of the program....but it actually was walking in on an affair taking place five years later that finally got me through the doors of Al-anon.

I think I would have "survived" for a lot longer with the alcohol use alone....I just could not figure out how to get myself out. The affair ripped the bandaid of denial off for me and got me moving....

If you are anything like me it only makes it worse when I beat myself up for what I have or have not done....the journey has taken awhile but I have ended up right where I am supposed to be.

Willybluedog

Who would want someone as tainted as me. I used to be young, beautiful and vibrant and somewhat normal. Now I'm old, ugly and dull and sick (or at least that's the way I feel).

IMHO there is beauty in all things and persons who are not inherently or intentionally evil.

Look at J R Martinez from Dancing with the Stars, who would look at him and call him handsome or beautiful, but you hear him, hear his story, listen to the courage, look at that smile, he is beautiful!

You are beautiful too, you have to let it out, let it shine through the pain, and I am sure that there are people out there that love you for you, no questions asked.

I was in a really bad car accident in 2007, almost bled out, I know in my heart God saved me for a purpose, no matter how bad I hurt each day I try to do something positive for someone else, it is my way of paying it forward even if it is only a penny or two at a time.

You deserve better!

My therapist gave me a list of positive affirmations, I do these 7 times a day foor 21 days, they help replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

They are in the mid December positings on the ACOA thread, please take a look at them.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

choublak

I'm confused.