Bummer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Bummer.
That's what this evening turned out to be.
History: My ABF is white-knuckling it around me and pretending he's not drinking, when it's clear he is when I'm not around. He "sneaks," etc. I'm in therapy. He's been to AA a few times (for me, not for him) but has not committed to treatment.
My boundary: I will not be around him, will not talk to him when he drinks.
Tonight we were going to watch football together. He made me dinner the other night, so I was going to reciprocate tonight. I bought food and brought it over, only to smell alcohol on his breath.
So I did what I had to do -- I left.
I was more emotional and it was more dramatic than I would have liked (thanks, PMS). I cried. I was upset and accusatory. It just came out.
He asked me not to leave - he "couldn't wait to see me," he "looked forward to it all day." Twice on my way home he texted and asked me to come back (in the old days, I would have).
But I didn't.
I'm home by myself for the first Friday of the New Year. I'm not happy about it. But I'm happy with me.
I know I did the right thing.
History: My ABF is white-knuckling it around me and pretending he's not drinking, when it's clear he is when I'm not around. He "sneaks," etc. I'm in therapy. He's been to AA a few times (for me, not for him) but has not committed to treatment.
My boundary: I will not be around him, will not talk to him when he drinks.
Tonight we were going to watch football together. He made me dinner the other night, so I was going to reciprocate tonight. I bought food and brought it over, only to smell alcohol on his breath.
So I did what I had to do -- I left.
I was more emotional and it was more dramatic than I would have liked (thanks, PMS). I cried. I was upset and accusatory. It just came out.
He asked me not to leave - he "couldn't wait to see me," he "looked forward to it all day." Twice on my way home he texted and asked me to come back (in the old days, I would have).
But I didn't.
I'm home by myself for the first Friday of the New Year. I'm not happy about it. But I'm happy with me.
I know I did the right thing.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You upheld your boundary and yes, that is the right thing. I know it isn't easy, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. I'm sorry he's lying about drinking, but it's not unusual for them to do that when they are trying to please another person. They have to want it for themselves, or it just doesn't work. I'm sorry. I hope you will do something nice for yourself this evening. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
This scene was played over so many times with me and now deceased AB. It always left me with a strange feeling to ask him to leave or ask him not to come over because I could tell in his voice he had been drinking. He would also always say had been looking forward all day to seeing me and it left me feeling like I was the grinch who stole his christmas. This disease causes so much emotional conflict. I'm done with the insanity now but so much still lingers on from dealing with it for so long.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Jessiec-
I just want to tell you that from this side of the post you seem to be moving with these boundaries pieces so well. They can be simple but not easy, but I still have a hard time with them.
I just want to tell you that from this side of the post you seem to be moving with these boundaries pieces so well. They can be simple but not easy, but I still have a hard time with them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
Good for you!!!
Food for thought. An alcoholic is an alcoholic when they are drinking and when they are not.
The problem is not their drinking....the problem is their thinking. Recovery is about changing thinking. It isn't that hard to stop drinking.....it is changing the thinking that leads to the drinking takes a loooooooooooong time.
I haven't had a drink in 18 years. I don't feel in danger of having one. I have booze in my house. I go to bars. No problem. It isn't alcohol I need to fear...it is my own thinking I have to stay on top of. There is a whole part of my brain that is an alcoholic and always be one. She would like me backbut I know her tricks.
People can be so difficult when they are drunk that it is easy to identify that as the problem. We set that boundary. I won't be around you when you are drunk. But the alcoholic thinking is the real problem and that is in operation 24-7. In one way or another an alcoholic who is not in recovery is obsessed with alcohol 24-7,whether they are actually drinking or not.
Yeah bummer.The whole thing. My heart is with you.
Food for thought. An alcoholic is an alcoholic when they are drinking and when they are not.
The problem is not their drinking....the problem is their thinking. Recovery is about changing thinking. It isn't that hard to stop drinking.....it is changing the thinking that leads to the drinking takes a loooooooooooong time.
I haven't had a drink in 18 years. I don't feel in danger of having one. I have booze in my house. I go to bars. No problem. It isn't alcohol I need to fear...it is my own thinking I have to stay on top of. There is a whole part of my brain that is an alcoholic and always be one. She would like me backbut I know her tricks.
People can be so difficult when they are drunk that it is easy to identify that as the problem. We set that boundary. I won't be around you when you are drunk. But the alcoholic thinking is the real problem and that is in operation 24-7. In one way or another an alcoholic who is not in recovery is obsessed with alcohol 24-7,whether they are actually drinking or not.
Yeah bummer.The whole thing. My heart is with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Thanks everyone.
Miss G, true. Thanks for your insights. I'm not at the point where I'm ready to make long-term decisions. I just know in the short-term, I can not be around him when he's drinking. That's where I am now.
Miss G, true. Thanks for your insights. I'm not at the point where I'm ready to make long-term decisions. I just know in the short-term, I can not be around him when he's drinking. That's where I am now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Good for you Jess, I know it is not easy.
I just hated when XA would lie about not having anything to drink. It was so very insulting, and hurtful. I just got to the point where I realized that if the evening consisted of me, him, and booze, I truly was not a priority. After all "three is a crowd", and I did not want to be a chaperone for the evening.
I would rather be home alone, surrounded with my own sober thoughts, than spend an evening with someone who's thought process is complete and udder nonsense. I find intelligence to be such a very attractive quality in a man, needless to say, a drunk man and his alkie mind fall quite short of attractive.
Hang in there, you are doing fine. Take care of you first.
I just hated when XA would lie about not having anything to drink. It was so very insulting, and hurtful. I just got to the point where I realized that if the evening consisted of me, him, and booze, I truly was not a priority. After all "three is a crowd", and I did not want to be a chaperone for the evening.
I would rather be home alone, surrounded with my own sober thoughts, than spend an evening with someone who's thought process is complete and udder nonsense. I find intelligence to be such a very attractive quality in a man, needless to say, a drunk man and his alkie mind fall quite short of attractive.
Hang in there, you are doing fine. Take care of you first.
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