worried72

Hi there,
So, my husband has been in inpatient treatment- 28 days intensive and then 30 more extended. He is coming home officially in a week... though he has come home on passes a few times.

I am happy about the sobriety... things were so, so bad by the time he went. I am also not super hopeful. Is that weird? He has been an alcoholic our entire relationship - he's been drinking since high school and he's 40 now. Of course, we drank together initially - we met in college and thoroughly enjoyed the fraternity/sorority party scene, as well as a handful of years after. Things progressed (duh) to the point where he drank daily, and was functioning and working -but only barely. He went willingly to rehab (as in, no ultimatum) but now, he seems mostly angry about this sober path.

To be honest, life is easier without him here. My daughter (7) and I don't have to walk on eggshells or worry about whether or not to include him in stuff. The weekend visits have been good - but they've been kind of a novelty - not long term.

I need to get to Alanon -I know that. I went lots earlier in our marriage and I liked it, but did not find a great match. There are lots of choices around here.... just need to jump in.

Not sure what I want here.... maybe validation? Is my ambiguity and his anger typical? UGH.

Thanks all,
L.

laurie6781

I would suggest that you look into Sober Living Houses as an alternative to him returning directly to your home.

This will give you more time to work on you, and him a little 'slower' but 'more intense' easing back into full society.

He has been in a 'controlled environment'. This instead of just plopping him down into every day life, will give him another sort of 'controlled environment' where he 'earns' privileges, and learns about 'household chores', being a 'contributing member' of the household in ALL things, be it dishes, cooking, laundry, mopping floors, and ...................... learning how to 'interact' with others in a civil way. Learning how to deal with 'resentments' that will 'crop up' in a SLE, etc

It is only a suggestion, however, I hope you look at it closely.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sesh

Early sobriety is tough. He is the one that has to own his own recovery, and you're the one that has to know that his recovery has nothing to do with you.

I don't know if his anger is typical. My RAH is in recovery for 9 months now, and he is back living with me and kids for a bit over 4 months now. I wasn't ready to live with him again until he came to the point of owning his recovery and giving me nothing but respect. I had very firm boundaries in order to live with him again, I wasn't willing to put up with anything any more, as I finally understood it wasn't my job to make him feel better about himself ( I can't do it, I can only make things worse for myself by trying).

As while living with an active A the relationship dinamics are very damaged and it takes time to learn to have a healthy relationship again. IMHO it can be done only when both parties are fully taking responsiblities for their own actions and are honest about their own expectations.
The bottom line is he has to want his sobriety more than you do.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, just wanted to say I understand the way you feel. Al anon is a great idea. All you can do is take care of yourself.
I wish you well.

fedup3

keep coming back and posting, you're not alone.