Advice needed about the A borrowing money
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Advice needed about the A borrowing money
Hello again. I wanted to ask you all something. How do you stick to your guns when the A starts nagging you for money to buy their alcohol.
I admit that in the past, I have given him money for beer, but stood my ground some time ago and refused to help him out anymore. Well, he has started hounding me for money again and I do not want to give in. I will admit that for the first time in about a year, a couple weeks ago, I lent him money so that he would get off my back about it, as he was being very pushy and persistent about it.
So, anyway, he asked me again for money today to buy him beer. I told him no as I have very little left until I get paid in two weeks and I need that money for whatever the kids need. I know that he is going to get more pushy and irritating with it and eventually get nasty about it. How do I stand my ground? This has recently become an issue with him as he now has a car payment so he loses money each month because of it and is always running low on money. He does not work and will not get his unemployment again until next week. He says he has no money. I believe him.
I do not want to give in to him again.
I admit that in the past, I have given him money for beer, but stood my ground some time ago and refused to help him out anymore. Well, he has started hounding me for money again and I do not want to give in. I will admit that for the first time in about a year, a couple weeks ago, I lent him money so that he would get off my back about it, as he was being very pushy and persistent about it.
So, anyway, he asked me again for money today to buy him beer. I told him no as I have very little left until I get paid in two weeks and I need that money for whatever the kids need. I know that he is going to get more pushy and irritating with it and eventually get nasty about it. How do I stand my ground? This has recently become an issue with him as he now has a car payment so he loses money each month because of it and is always running low on money. He does not work and will not get his unemployment again until next week. He says he has no money. I believe him.
I do not want to give in to him again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I agree:
No.
(It is a complete sentence)
Take your power back. Say No, calmly and refuse to discuss it further.
He will keep nagging because he got you to cave in recently. If you give him money, it is as if you are rewarding him for unacceptable behavior. Guarantee-ing repeat performances in the future.
Just say: No.
You can do it!
I believe in you!
No.
(It is a complete sentence)
Take your power back. Say No, calmly and refuse to discuss it further.
He will keep nagging because he got you to cave in recently. If you give him money, it is as if you are rewarding him for unacceptable behavior. Guarantee-ing repeat performances in the future.
Just say: No.
You can do it!
I believe in you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
They are right! It is! and "No." is my favorite sentence!
If you give him any more $, he will just keep coming back for more. If you don't, he will keep trying but if you remain consistent he will eventually give up.
Think of it like this - you are a soda machine. He puts his money in the soda machine and out comes a soda. He does this all the time and it always works. The one day, he puts his money in the soda machine and nothing comes out. He puts more money in, nothing comes out. He kicks, screams, shakes the machine but ... nothing. He might try again a few times, but eventually he will give up and find another way to get his soda.
If you give him any more $, he will just keep coming back for more. If you don't, he will keep trying but if you remain consistent he will eventually give up.
Think of it like this - you are a soda machine. He puts his money in the soda machine and out comes a soda. He does this all the time and it always works. The one day, he puts his money in the soda machine and nothing comes out. He puts more money in, nothing comes out. He kicks, screams, shakes the machine but ... nothing. He might try again a few times, but eventually he will give up and find another way to get his soda.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
They are right! It is! and "No." is my favorite sentence!
If you give him any more $, he will just keep coming back for more. If you don't, he will keep trying but if you remain consistent he will eventually give up.
Think of it like this - you are a soda machine. He puts his money in the soda machine and out comes a soda. He does this all the time and it always works. The one day, he puts his money in the soda machine and nothing comes out. He puts more money in, nothing comes out. He kicks, screams, shakes the machine but ... nothing. He might try again a few times, but eventually he will give up and find another way to get his soda.
If you give him any more $, he will just keep coming back for more. If you don't, he will keep trying but if you remain consistent he will eventually give up.
Think of it like this - you are a soda machine. He puts his money in the soda machine and out comes a soda. He does this all the time and it always works. The one day, he puts his money in the soda machine and nothing comes out. He puts more money in, nothing comes out. He kicks, screams, shakes the machine but ... nothing. He might try again a few times, but eventually he will give up and find another way to get his soda.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
When I say get nasty, he'll become angry, and start up with his tirades. He'll switch from being Mr. Nice Guy to his nasty, angry, name calling self. He's like a child, in some ways.
I can say no to him without a problem. It's the aftermath of it that's tougher to deal with.
See, he thinks that since he stays up late (which he does anyway) and takes the puppy out once or twice, that i owe him a case of beer. I already explained that I owe him nothing, considering he pays for pretty much nothing around here.
He will be ok for a little while, then he'll eventually start his incessant nagging and hounding me. If I continue, he'll start with the name calling, and calling my family names.
That's what I have a harder time dealing with. Maybe if he starts that crap up, I'll do my best to ignore him. Not engage, since that's what he wants, I'm sure.
He says that he'll go through withdrawl. I guess that's not my problem, and if he does, I'll call an ambulance.
I like the soda machine analogy.
I can say no to him without a problem. It's the aftermath of it that's tougher to deal with.
See, he thinks that since he stays up late (which he does anyway) and takes the puppy out once or twice, that i owe him a case of beer. I already explained that I owe him nothing, considering he pays for pretty much nothing around here.
He will be ok for a little while, then he'll eventually start his incessant nagging and hounding me. If I continue, he'll start with the name calling, and calling my family names.
That's what I have a harder time dealing with. Maybe if he starts that crap up, I'll do my best to ignore him. Not engage, since that's what he wants, I'm sure.
He says that he'll go through withdrawl. I guess that's not my problem, and if he does, I'll call an ambulance.
I like the soda machine analogy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Reminds me of a small child, who throws a tantrum in the store, to get something...and the parent gives in. What is the child learning? A tantrum is how you achieve what you want. The parent is being well trained...to give in.
It's hard to untrain a child as to the appropriate way of getting something. Of course, when it comes to money for booze, if the tantrum no longer works, they will eventually realize this.
His "excuse" that you owe him a case of beer is meaningless. Words don't make it true.
It's hard to untrain a child as to the appropriate way of getting something. Of course, when it comes to money for booze, if the tantrum no longer works, they will eventually realize this.
His "excuse" that you owe him a case of beer is meaningless. Words don't make it true.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
If you buy him alcohol you are just helping him kill himself.
If he's out of money that's his problem. May be being out of options will help convince him to get some help (and of course may be not). But, why would he ever change if the arrangement is so perfect for him. Do nothing around the house, don't work, have someone else pay my bills, and manipulate to get what I want doing as little work as possible ..... sounds good to me.
If you're tired of the bullying (boarding on abuse) may be it's time for YOU to make a change.
If he's out of money that's his problem. May be being out of options will help convince him to get some help (and of course may be not). But, why would he ever change if the arrangement is so perfect for him. Do nothing around the house, don't work, have someone else pay my bills, and manipulate to get what I want doing as little work as possible ..... sounds good to me.
If you're tired of the bullying (boarding on abuse) may be it's time for YOU to make a change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
So he's learned that all the kicking and shaking and yelling will produce a soda for him and now you are in the difficult place of having to help him unlearn that.
Instead of saying no, giving him reasons and explanations, try saying saying this, "I can't."
When he asks why say "Unfortunately I just can't."
If he needs more info "It's just not possible right now. Sorry."
If he asks again you say, "I can't" and then start the cycle above over again, adding not one single piece of additional information.
If he tells you your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberry just tell him, "Well, maybe. But I still can't."
I PROMISE if you do this he will eventually stop asking. It might lead to different behavior, but once he finds out asking you for money doesn't yield money, he will stop asking.
But the bigger issue is, how long are you going to be able to deal with a grown man that doesn't contribute to the household in any way sucking up your financial and emotional resources?
Instead of saying no, giving him reasons and explanations, try saying saying this, "I can't."
When he asks why say "Unfortunately I just can't."
If he needs more info "It's just not possible right now. Sorry."
If he asks again you say, "I can't" and then start the cycle above over again, adding not one single piece of additional information.
If he tells you your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberry just tell him, "Well, maybe. But I still can't."
I PROMISE if you do this he will eventually stop asking. It might lead to different behavior, but once he finds out asking you for money doesn't yield money, he will stop asking.
But the bigger issue is, how long are you going to be able to deal with a grown man that doesn't contribute to the household in any way sucking up your financial and emotional resources?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by Hanna 
But the bigger issue is, how long are you going to be able to deal with a grown man that doesn't contribute to the household in any way sucking up your financial and emotional resources?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Originally Posted by Hanna
But the bigger issue is, how long are you going to be able to deal with a grown man that doesn't contribute to the household in any way sucking up your financial and emotional resources?
I'm with Anvil, just say NO!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Name calling is verbal abuse. Being afraid this way..
Have you called the DV hotline?
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Who do you have in your life for real life support?
Are you planning to stay in this environment?
Have you called the DV hotline?
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Who do you have in your life for real life support?
Are you planning to stay in this environment?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
There were a few things that kept me in the money cycle with my xah. I'll share and maybe you can think if any ring true for you and if so how to work on them.
I could probably just say 'no' now. I'm glad I don't have to test it out to be quite honest. It is so simple but it was amazingly hard for me at the time. I think you need a plan. What are you going to do after you just say no? Take a walk, go some place, read a book, cook, call a friend?
OK - a few of the key reasons.
1. The things Fedup mentioned. I was so busy and overwhelmed the days did run together and my mental energy was being ate up by living with an alcoholic and un-managed unbridled co-dependency. I was exhausted in every way imaginable and just gave in because I felt like I was a hair away from a complete breakdown.
2. I was living in the fantasy. I was trying to be a good wife, to make this family work, to be reasonable. Reasonable wives do not hold all the money in a vault and reasonable wives do not refuse to give their husband $10 for gas. But reasonable and alcoholic do not mix. Trying to fake normalcy while managing chaos leads to crazy Thumper. This was a big one.
3. I had no boundaries. Giving him money was the least of my issues surrounding that.
4. I was very much trying to control the train and take over his consequences and outcomes. If he had no gas how would he get to work? Would he take my car and leave me without (and leave a mess in my car)? Would he call in? Would he get fired? It is hard to work this all out because consequences for him impacted me. My big mistake was that I was killing myself trying to control my life - by trying to control him. Ding ding. I just had to make decisions and control things inside my hula hoop. He didn't very often ask me for beer but he would spend all his money (from his job - he didn't pay bills hardly ever) on beer and then not have money for gas or some other incidental (he'd promise the kids an outing of some sort and I'd have to fork over the money). It was money I didn't actually have. We were always broke. There is no normal way to look at 9yo and say "I'm not giving your father (my husband) $10 to go to playland." It sounds nuts even now but living with an alcoholic is nuts. I think he actually cooked up some of those circumstances. In the last couple years he got so passive aggressive with everything like that. It was homework time, 30 minutes before bed time, and he'd put a movie in for the kids. I had to be the bad guy mean mom or let it go. Lose:lose. So glad that is in my past.
I could probably just say 'no' now. I'm glad I don't have to test it out to be quite honest. It is so simple but it was amazingly hard for me at the time. I think you need a plan. What are you going to do after you just say no? Take a walk, go some place, read a book, cook, call a friend?
OK - a few of the key reasons.
1. The things Fedup mentioned. I was so busy and overwhelmed the days did run together and my mental energy was being ate up by living with an alcoholic and un-managed unbridled co-dependency. I was exhausted in every way imaginable and just gave in because I felt like I was a hair away from a complete breakdown.
2. I was living in the fantasy. I was trying to be a good wife, to make this family work, to be reasonable. Reasonable wives do not hold all the money in a vault and reasonable wives do not refuse to give their husband $10 for gas. But reasonable and alcoholic do not mix. Trying to fake normalcy while managing chaos leads to crazy Thumper. This was a big one.
3. I had no boundaries. Giving him money was the least of my issues surrounding that.
4. I was very much trying to control the train and take over his consequences and outcomes. If he had no gas how would he get to work? Would he take my car and leave me without (and leave a mess in my car)? Would he call in? Would he get fired? It is hard to work this all out because consequences for him impacted me. My big mistake was that I was killing myself trying to control my life - by trying to control him. Ding ding. I just had to make decisions and control things inside my hula hoop. He didn't very often ask me for beer but he would spend all his money (from his job - he didn't pay bills hardly ever) on beer and then not have money for gas or some other incidental (he'd promise the kids an outing of some sort and I'd have to fork over the money). It was money I didn't actually have. We were always broke. There is no normal way to look at 9yo and say "I'm not giving your father (my husband) $10 to go to playland." It sounds nuts even now but living with an alcoholic is nuts. I think he actually cooked up some of those circumstances. In the last couple years he got so passive aggressive with everything like that. It was homework time, 30 minutes before bed time, and he'd put a movie in for the kids. I had to be the bad guy mean mom or let it go. Lose:lose. So glad that is in my past.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It is hard to deal with a belligerent alcoholic who isn't being enabled the way he wants to be... This, though:
is the most important part, IMHO. The kids. It took me a while before it finally sunk in for me that all the money he was taking wasn't being taken from me, it was being taken from DS and what was needed to keep him warm, fed, clothed. That became my mantra to help me stick my budget even though XAH wasn't: think of DS; DS, DS, DS.
You've told him no already and gave him a reason. I'd stick to a flat No for further nagging on his part.
Hang in there! :ghug3
Originally Posted by witharealwinner
I told him no as I have very little left until I get paid in two weeks and I need that money for whatever the kids need.
You've told him no already and gave him a reason. I'd stick to a flat No for further nagging on his part.
Hang in there! :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
I am trying to figure out a way to get him out. I am going to be calling my girls' therapist and asking for some type of payment plan (since I don't have insurance). I couldn't today as one of my babies was sick and we spent quite some time at the doctor's today.
I've already told him to leave and he won't go. I will not take my kids and leave. They've moved so many times in the past few years (death of my older 3 kids' father, moving to my mom's after that, moving to a new apartment, then having to move to a bigger one, and now our new home) that I will not make them move again, because if he stays here, he'll just lose the house anyway, and my kids are SO happy here, other than dealing with him and his A garbage. I figure my only option, is to try and have him removed from the home via a pfa.
I'm tired of supporting a grown man. I'm tired of him yelling at me when I tell him what his portion of the cell phone bill is, like he's giving the money to ME, not Verizon. I'm trying to figure out some way to get him to go. I would have to buy him out since he paid for 1/2 of this home (albeit I pay for everything else and the lot rent) and I have NO idea who'd finance me, since I had to file a bankruptcy after my late h died.
Thankfully he hasn't asked me and won't now, because apparently he lied, he does have money, it's that he couldn't/didn't want to access it b/c he was waiting for his replacement debit card.
I've already told him to leave and he won't go. I will not take my kids and leave. They've moved so many times in the past few years (death of my older 3 kids' father, moving to my mom's after that, moving to a new apartment, then having to move to a bigger one, and now our new home) that I will not make them move again, because if he stays here, he'll just lose the house anyway, and my kids are SO happy here, other than dealing with him and his A garbage. I figure my only option, is to try and have him removed from the home via a pfa.
I'm tired of supporting a grown man. I'm tired of him yelling at me when I tell him what his portion of the cell phone bill is, like he's giving the money to ME, not Verizon. I'm trying to figure out some way to get him to go. I would have to buy him out since he paid for 1/2 of this home (albeit I pay for everything else and the lot rent) and I have NO idea who'd finance me, since I had to file a bankruptcy after my late h died.
Thankfully he hasn't asked me and won't now, because apparently he lied, he does have money, it's that he couldn't/didn't want to access it b/c he was waiting for his replacement debit card.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
What is a pfa? When my husband refused to leave I filed for divorce and temporary custody and temporary possession of the family home. It was unlikely that the judge would not have granted me the temporary orders so it was a way for me to force him out.
I was not legally committed to the divorce. The petition and temporary orders would have lasted x amount of time and if I didn't follow up on it in that time frame it all just went away. FWIW I withdrew it all, which was a mistake. I did not pursue any type of personal recovery until after I filed or I probably would have had more sense.
I was not legally committed to the divorce. The petition and temporary orders would have lasted x amount of time and if I didn't follow up on it in that time frame it all just went away. FWIW I withdrew it all, which was a mistake. I did not pursue any type of personal recovery until after I filed or I probably would have had more sense.
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witharealwinner: I'm in my 50s. Your post brought back vivid memories of when I was a child and waking up to hear my father nagging my mother for money to buy a bottle of wine. "Please Sally, wake up, wake up, just give me a dollar, please, please." This went on for HOURS. She pretended like she was sleeping (on the couch). But she would finally give in (who wouldn't?).
One time somebody told my mother that if she took the coil out of the car then he could not drive it. So that night the incessant pleading was to tell him where the coil was so he could drive up to the store for his bottle of Molly Pitcher wine.
You can expect your AH to change his personality when you say no. If being nice doesn't work then a threatening tone might. That's what alcohol has done to your husband's brain, and you would not be the first wife who started seeing some scary behavior. Whatever advice anyone above has given you to protect yourself, please take it seriously.
One time somebody told my mother that if she took the coil out of the car then he could not drive it. So that night the incessant pleading was to tell him where the coil was so he could drive up to the store for his bottle of Molly Pitcher wine.
You can expect your AH to change his personality when you say no. If being nice doesn't work then a threatening tone might. That's what alcohol has done to your husband's brain, and you would not be the first wife who started seeing some scary behavior. Whatever advice anyone above has given you to protect yourself, please take it seriously.
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