serenity001

I joined because, I had to call off my egagement! I'm walking around in a daze, and cannot live with the devistating affects of someone else's drinking (fiance) I was born into alcoholism and have had to deal with it all my life, and its affects on the love ones (ME) ive done therapy and alanon, breaking off the engagement was devistating (I Love him) hate the alcohol. Detachment is so hard, not matter how you do it, I do apoligize if I am rambling, this is really the first time since the break up that im just spilling alot of thing out that I have been holdng in. I KNOW I CANNOT FIX HIM!!! This time, for the first time I was able to detach with Love, and that is huge for me, I let him know I love him, and cannot do a relationship let alone a marriage, with his mistress alcohol. I feel empty and miss him the sober him, I will be going back to alanon this week, as I need to heal and need the support of that wonderful group...thanks for listening......

suki44883

Awwww

Welcome to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. It sounds like you know exactly the right things to do. Yes, it is hard, but it will get easier as time goes on. He'll either decide to get help for his drinking or he won't. It's good that you know you can't do it for him.

Hope you'll stick around and read and post often. You might want to visit our Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum. Lots of good experience, strength and hope there.

Here's a link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

serenity001

Thank you Suki! It is so hard and hurts so much! I know I have a rollercoster of emotions going on and must take that ride no matter how much it hurts right now!
The hardest part is the second guessing myself, (part of the ride)

suki44883

Yeah, it is a rollercoaster, but the longer you are away from the chaos, the more clearly you will be able to see things, and it will get easier. We have people here who love addicts that are their children, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, and everything else. We've all had to learn the hard lesson that we cannot love them clean or sober. That is something that must come from within the addict themselves, and we are powerless to bring that about.

Again, I hope you will visit and post in our Friends and Family forum. You will find a whole lot of support there.

Dee74

welcome Serenity

I'm sorry for your pain, but I think you've made a wonderful decision for yourself.

I've moved your thread here from our Daily Support forum.
I know you'll get a lot of response help and support here

D

MyBetterWorld

The pain of staying with him probably would have been far worse than the pain of leaving him.
I know that doesn't make it feel better, but you know what I mean. You have lived with this already in your life. You made the right decision.
M

Bernadette

Hi serenity001

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Wow what a tough and brave action you took! So hard to do the right thing and put our own health/mental health first where it needs to be. Since you said you were born into alcoholism then you know you have saved yourself from so much misery....but that doesn't make it hurt less to end a relationship.

Glad you're here - you're not alone!
peace-
B

TakingCharge999

Well done for following your heart serenity, I went through similar things (well not engaged but we were already living together) and the pain of the separation was horrible.. take it easy... for me it has already been three years and am in a much better place emotionally and am certain I took the right decision (and by the way the guy is still drinking and denying any problem).

I still miss the friend/sober part of him but my peace is worth more.
You are worth more than all this suffering and confusion brought by addiction. It is NOT your problem.

HUGS!! welcome, we get it. It gets so much better.

am77

Thank you for sharing. I am going through almost the same thing. He is in the military and was home on leave during the holidays and I found countless empty bottles that he had hidden from me. We were suppose to get married in February. I have not completely broken things off with him, but he knows that if he doesn't get help he will lose his job, me and probably his life. I am probably holding on to a little bit of hope because of his love for his career. But trust me when I tell you that I know 150% the pain that you are going through. My heart goes out to you. Please message me if you ever need to talk.

Willybluedog

I know it feels like someone is ripping your guts out right now, I caught my wife cheating on me and when I confronted her, she packed her stuff and left, I thought I was going to die.

Please come back often, let us know how you are doing, do you have a support system, are you taking care of yourself, eating run, exercising or meditating, getting enough sleep?

If you need me I will be here, you need an ear, a hug, a shoulder, some propping up, then let me know.

You are a good person, please remember to tell yourself that several times a day.

Big hugs,

Bill

bless5

I agree with Bernadette. What a brave thing to do. Usually doing the right thing, is not the easy thing. I know it's incredibly painful right now, but think how painful it would be once children are involved, and we all know this is a progressive disease. Hang in there and take care of yourself!

serenity001

Ty all for your encouragement!!! I am taking the steps to get through this, although it doesnt help that I keep gettin g emails and txt msgs from him, about not wanting to lose what we have, never once in any of his msgs has he even said anything about the alcohol issue.. (typical) I will be going back to alanon tonight THANK GOD! One more thing to do is send the ring back and right now I cannot do it, I cant talk to him, I know it will be the same song and dance, I really havent been able to cry, yeah tears here and there but, more of just wanting to hide from everyone and the question of where is your ring, a couple of days ago I finally told my family...the truth, about why I didnt come for chrismas (this whole situation is why)! See I am an ACA, and half of my family have addiction issues and my ex husband was an A and drug abuser, I thank God that, I have never went down that road, My son needed one parent that was there for him and I vowed that I never wanted to be like my parents, and for my son to know everyday that he was safe and that I love him. I know all to well what it feels like to not feel safe as a child, even as an adult, in any relationship! That little girl inside is still scared! I get so angry at A...I guess that is where I am at this moment ANGRY...wth is there to talk about...on top of it its long distance...I just want to feel safe....loved what anyone in this world wants

amy79

I totally understand. My husband and I just separated after I huge fight on New Years eve, and he left/I told him to go. We've got 4 kids, and have been together for 10+ years now. I'm still not sure if this will be a forever thing, or if he'll get his S*** together.

NYCDoglvr

Oh my heart goes out to you, I've been where you are. I promise it will get much better but in the meantime, here are a few things that helped me. While all I wanted to do was sit home and be miserable, I made myself start fast walking. Started at ten minutes per day and worked up to 30 minutes. Also, find new activities. The website Meetup has lists of local groups active in a wide range of activities from reading groups to hiking clubs.

In Al-anon and in therapy I changed my habit of getting involved with alcoholics and other men who are incapable of having a real relationship. That was the most freeing thing of all.

serenity001

Im sorry if I havent replied to each of you yet as I am still trying to navigate through this site, I do appriciate all of your replies....and will be on a frequent as I can, as I cannot stand how I feel right now!! Im so so angry and I dont like to be angry, its temporay insanity....im stuggling with contacting him no and that makes me angry....omg....and TRUST???? I feel as though I cant trust anyone, that there is no safe place

LifeRecovery

serenity001-

I come from a long line of alcohol use and codependency on both sides....I was fortunate not to grow up with active alcoholism in my immediate family but both my parents did (w/out recovery).

I married and alcoholic.

When we split it was the hardest emotional rollar coaster I ever went through. I was so worried about him, and if he would be safe and okay, but angry at him at the same time.

I continue to struggle with trust...of others, and of my ability to read others and for the red flags that I often try to ignore. Something great has happened though...I do trust me, maybe for the first time ever. I trust me to do what is best for myself and to get myself out of something rough. That is very valueable to me. Al-anon, therapy, this board and lots and lots of reading have all helped. Welcome to this site...thought I am sorry for your reason to be here.

Take care of you!

searchbug

One more message of support...
ALL BREAKUPS ARE DIFFICULT. It might be many of those here who have 20+ years, invested in a marriage, those who broke it off before a marriage, or (like me) a relationship that ended after a few months. There is still the emotional investment, and the shift in your thinking/ feeling.
I came here late last year with a nasty situation with an xabf, which included another woman. It continued to go back and forth with "reconciling", promises to work things out that lasted a few days, and basically, me hanging on a hook. Even though he supposedly quit drinking, the two of them are still involved with a huge soap opera, a triangle involving the woman's ex boyfriend, slashed tires, threats to "beat his ass", and constant conflict that somehow my "ex" thought I had an interest in.
I went from despair, anger, humiliation, confusion, attempts to reason...you name it. I was "outside" of it all, until, of course, he texted or called, and whined on my shoulder.
Some of it remained linked to alcohol.. some of it was simply ignorant and adolescent drama. Rumor says that both of them are at risk of getting evicted (from low income housing), which means his choices might lead to him being homeless.
I finally reached a point where I was able to let go of my emotions/ anger/ hope and simply stated to him that I was DONE with the soap opera. One of his lines was "but I still want to stay friends". In his mind, that might be true. In my mind, I think I am a bit more selective about who I want as a friend, much less anything else.
NO one can define how long it takes, or what you will go through in the process. For me..I keep thinking now, that I am lucky to be out of it. He seems to be as addicted to the conflict and drama as he is/was to the drinking. It's his problem, not mine, anymore.
I wish the best for you. All of us deserve better than a life full of conflict.

serenity001

I'm back in alanon, trying to get through each day, it makes it more difficult when he is emailing and texting, I want to talk to him and then again I dont, I know most of it will be lies! There are some things we need to talk about, and I dont know what to say, at least at this point, then I remember the slogan "WHEN IN DOUBT, DONT". Calling off this engagement to My A fiance has been one of the most hardest decisions in my life. In the past I would have gotten pissed off and broke it off. I LOVE HIM, and was able to let him go be who he feel he needs to be and I need to not have the insanity of it in my life for my own piece of mind! Although I feel half NUTS right now! OMG this is so hard! I want to talk to him like I said but I dont trust him....maybe I need to get pissed I dont know im just at the point of utter confusion now.

missg

WOW! What a truly hard and courageous move you have made!!!! Had I been as courageous as you I could have saved myself years and years of heartbreak.
I walked down the aisle to marry an alcoholic feeling like I was going to throw up.....I knew it was the wrong thing to be doing. I mean really, talk about ignoring one's gut! I didn't want to admit to anyone that I had made a mistake- a way of thinking that also kept me in the thing for years. (in my shame-based alcoholic family, mistakes are not allowed...especially not those that other people would know about!!)

I suspect you are in no mood to pat yourself on the back but I suspect some day you will.Sometimes 'one day at a time' is just waaaay too long. I've had times of taking it 10 minutes at a time....whatever works. In times of profound loss,I roll my life back to the really simple, try to take care of and be good to myself and honor wherever my grief takes me. Cry, yell, scream at the unfair moon. Tears are healing. Time is the only thing that heals but it never passes fast enough at times like this!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrr

I hold you in my heart and send a zillion positive healing thoughts your way. I do not know you but I am so proud of you. I admire your strength and your courage. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. You may not feel like an inspiration but you are!!!! ((((((((hug)))))))

serenity001

OMG my ex Afiance wont stop emailng me or texing me tonight, to the point where im trying not to get furious and respond almost did and deleted the text. I know this is his drunk time so what is the point, im trying to get it out here instead of responding to him, I know it would be pointless to ...pause....another text so i called him and he did not answer,omg...omg...SO THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!! he didnt answer because he is DRUNK!!! but he can text and email..if i did not have this place to vent right now I'd be kicking the wall in...and im am not a violent person....S***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! OK BREATH............................................ ...............................