How to Live with a RAH

Old 01-04-2012, 09:38 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
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I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Someone to complain with me? When is it reasonable to start asking for more in my marriage? Are my expectations too low? Maybe a RA can give me some thoughts about what it's like to be living in this early recovery time.
I'll respond first as a recovering alcoholic (20 years). My take is that when we start drinking we stop growing as a person. During the time I drank heavily I saw my non-alcoholic brother move through life's challenges, take actions I wasn't capable of and learn a great deal from his experiences. But for alcoholics booze is their higher power and great love. If we're lucky enough to have someone who takes care of the details of being an adult then we can continue to be irresponsible, self-centered and immature. AA's Big Book says alcoholics are "immature, grandiose and thin skinned."

So we put down alcohol and we're still immature, grandiose and thin skinned. With a great deal of hard work and time, we will change and grow up, become responsible and care about others (this last thing is tough for alcoholics who see themselves as the center of the universe!). But three months is nothing and a year is still considered early sobriety. It takes a lot of work on the steps, brutal honesty and willingness. "If you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief". A lot depends on how long someone was drinking and their basic qualities as a human being. Some recovering alcoholics have values, deeply regret what they did to themselves and others and immediately start doing the hard work.

As a co-dependent I hope you don't beat yourself up for your feelings, which are certainly valid. You have a right to the life you want and if it isn't working, you're doing nothing wrong if you end the marriage. We reach the point of no return sometimes and it's impossible to "act as if" we trust and respect someone when we don't. While I've seen a few recovering alcoholics continue marriages once they get sober, it's not the norm.

I hope you put the focus on yourself now, acknowledge your hopes and feelings, and take action. A great place to start is Al-anon and this forum is a god send.
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Old 01-27-2012, 12:39 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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How to live with a RAH...?

Great question.

But I think emotional immaturity is a hallmark symptom of a RA!!

Glad to know mine isn' the only one. I can live with that part of it...the actual manifestation of that immaturity (yes, family guy is his tv show of choice..EVERY night)...but what I can't deal with is the fact he is AWARE of it and uses that excuse that "AA says I stopped maturing at the age I started drinking"...for all his immature behavior.
Bigger issues than I thought perhaps?!

I don't have any easy answers but I like what LaTeeda said...
I understand it...
I don't think that the A should be allowed to just 'check out' while in recovery. Like someone else still goes on. Bills still need to be paid..and responsibilities and commitments that need to be handled.

I'm tired of it.
My RAH has been in recovery for 18 months.
It is like dealing w/ another child in my house...
and he finds nothing wrong with his behavior at all.

It's frustrating. I love my RAH but I need, deserve and want more than what my RAH is able to give. I don't think he CAN be mature. I don't think he CAN be financially responsible and I certainly don't think he can parent our children in a positive and safe manner (sorry shooting bottle rockets at your 10 yr olds head is not safe..he says I don't know how to have fun...).

I'm ready to go.
I love him. But not enough to stay with him.
I'm figuring out how to get out the easiest, quickest and least drama way....
the minute everything is lined up we are GONE.
He can grow up on his own time...not mine.
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Old 01-30-2012, 10:59 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
The most profound thing I ever learned about expectations is this:

It's okay to have expectations around a role. Expectations regarding an individual person lead to disappointment and suffering.

Applied to your situation, that means your expectations are not unreasonable for a husband. But, they may very well be unreasonable for this particular person at this particular time. It is entirely up to you whether you want to change your expectations of the husband role (even if only temporarily) or if you feel you need to "uncast" him from that role. Trying to get him to play the role your way if he is unwilling will only hurt you (and him).

Thank goodness I found this ! I just spent almost 30 minutes searching for what you wrote about how roles play a part in our expectations. (btw our search capabilities suck here at SR)
Thank you for is huge. Very much promoted an A-HA moment for me!!
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