sciatica

I am in so much anguish right now over what I have done. I dont know if I am doing the right thing. I love my wife dearly and so do our kids. She is a beautiful person with a very ugly addiction to alcohol. We have been together for 15 years and married for 7. We have two boys, 3 and 6. On the outside, we are the perfect family. When we met we both drank for fun and good times. As time passed, I slowed down, way down on the drinking, she didn't. Her drinking, I guess, has always been bad, it just became a problem after we married and had children. There have been too many incidents to even recall. She s a very private person so nobody knows how bad things are. She hides the alcohol, but I know instantly when she's drinking, which is as soon as she's home. She works and is very professional. Lately she has started drinking at work. She drives when she's been drinking. She has driven with the kids when she's been drinking. She's depressed when she drinks and has threatened suicide. She has been hospitalized for sticking a knife in her arm, ended up in Psych ward but begged me to get her out because she doesn't belong, which I did. She got counseling and stopped and began AA. I thought that was her bottom. She started again and even worse. She's been passed out in the car at our sons tee ball, passed out while rocking our son to sleep which I miraculously caught him rolling off her lap. Sooo many pass outs to recall. She is not a bad mother. She is a wonderful and caring wife and mother. Two months ago, I just couldn't take anymore. All the lies, the hiding, the sneaking, blaming me and me feeling responsible, the arguments, the covering up for her, the hospitals, jail, the worry, the stress, sleepless nights. We agreed to both take a month off work so she can get treatment. I ended up taking 2 months. She actually had to devise a terrible lie to do so, which I went along with(I figured it was worth it this last time). I focused on the family while she focused on treatment(outpatient). It was heaven, just how I knew it always could be. Then she relapsed on Thanksgiving. But she got right back on the wagon and focused again. Then a week before X-Mas and it's been hell. I sometimes drive my 3 year old around the block a few times to get him to nap. My 6 year old received the Wii console and was busy playing it in his room. Although I figured it would be safe to take the nap drive even though my wife had been drinking pretty heavy as she has never hurt our kids. When I returned, our other car was in the driveway. I asked her where she had gone and did she drive with our son. She didn't even remember driving. She had left our son home alone to get more alcohol. I can't stop thinking of what could have happened. My son could have panicked and tried chasing her down the street, he could of been waiting in the driveway, she could of hurt someone else, too many scenarios. I can't wait for an accident to happen. She was devastated yesterday and agreed to get help but it was New Years day and nothing is open. She was fine all day and suddenly I find her passed out on the couch. I packed bags and took the kids to my sisters. I told her this morning the kids aren't coming back and i have to leave her unless she goes in for long term treatment. I don't want to. I wish she could see that she can't stop, she needs more help than she is willing to get. She is very angry. I don't know what I am doing. I need to return to work in 2 days after being off for 2 months. I commute an hour to work and work 11.5 hour days. I don't know how I am going to make this work. How to get the kids to/from school. My wife has always been very responsible at caring for the kids, until recently. I just don't trust the addiction anymore. I don't feel I can leave her alone with the kids. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I still feel that I can't talk to anyone about our "secret". Neighbors, friends, nobody knows. Anyone been threw this?

Seren

Hello sciatica, Welcome to SR!

I'm so glad you found us, although very sorry for what brings you here.

I think you are very brave to make your children the priority right now. Yes, she will be angry and abusive and hateful, but it is the disease talking.

I hope that you will be able to find long-term daycare for the children. The possibility of danger is very real if she continues to leave them alone or is unconcious while they are with her.

Are there friends or family nearby that you trust? Perhaps it's time to be honest with those closest to you. This disease thrives on silence.

Others will be along soon to share their own hard-earned experience, strength, and hope (ES&H). You are not alone. Welcome!

HG

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, what a painful situation. You were certainly right to get the children out of there, it always comes down to what people DO, not what they say. You also sound like you understand that there is nothing you can do about your wife's drinking. Unfortunately alcoholism doesn't just destroy the drinker, but everyone around him/her. I'll pray that you get the support you need to get through this, to make the right decisions.

FT

Hi sciatica,

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, the safety of our children supercedes all else in our lives.

As parents, we take that responsibility.

Your wife is impaired and unable to do that. So you must.

God bless you for the strength to do the right thing.

FT

Thumper

I was through something quite similar and yes I think you are doing the right thing. I'm glad you found SR. This place was such a help to me when I was in the anguish you mentioned. Read the stickies at the top. They were very helpful.

That was a couple of years ago for me and in hindsight it was definitely the right thing and I should have taken that step sooner.

NTurn

hello sciatica, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this awful situation..you have come to the right place for support and understanding. I know your mind must be on overdrive right now..look after yourself & the kids your doing the right thing.

Willybluedog

Sciatica,

Thank you for doing the right thing for your kids!

My mom is an alcoholic, has been almost my whole life, (I am 49).

I just had a long talk the other day with my dad asking him why he left us in the same type of situation you are talking about.

Once when I was six and my sister was two, my mom put us in the car and forgot to buckle us in, she rear ended a woman who stopped because a dog was in the road, she threw me into the windshield, I had a face full of glass, she would not take me to the emergency room, she tried tp pick out the glass herself but kept getting sick, so my aunt who is a nurse came over and they held me down and dug it all out without any painkiller.

Do not ever feel guilty about protecting your children, no matter who they are and how much they love them.

Please consider counseling and al-anon, also please read the ACOA forum so you can get an idea of what happens to kids who grow up with an alcoholic.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Hanna

Welcome to Sober Recovery. So glad you found the forum.

You ARE doing the right thing. You are keeping your little ones safe, and keeping the woman you love from an accident with them from which she would never recover.

Breathe deep and put on your thinking cap. You cannot force your wife into treatment, and even if you can it doesn't work in the long run, at least in my experience. What you can do is safeguard your children. You've gotten a great start on that. Can you afford to get a place closer to work and hire child care? Is there any way to trim your hours back to an 8 hour work day? Or work from home part of the time?

You may not feel you can talk to anyone, but you now have this forum, which is a great start. You would also be incredibly surprised at how many people from all walks of life are touched by this disease.

sciatica

After talking this morning, my wife went for a walk. After an hour I became concerned. I spent the next few hours driving around town aimlessly. My mind was so full of the worst case scenarios. Thats when I joined this forum. I am not one to cry, it takes a lot. I cried uncontrollably. I still feel sick. Finally got her to call me by texting her. She was very angry. She hates me. But I was actually relieved to hear her so mad because she didn't sound depressed. A few hours later I get a call from her phone, it's the local Whole Foods store and they say my wife is out front in very bad shape and if I can come pick her up. I race to get her and she is the worst I have ever seen. She couldn't stand up. I took her to the hospital cause I thought she could have alcohol poisoning. She wouldn't go in. Security couldn't make her. She stumbled, crawled, kicked, scratched, punched me. I called paramedics. As long as she can answer their questions, they couldn't take her. Police gave us a ride home and she hates that I did this to her and embarrassed her like that. I don't know what's going to happen. I am afraid to leave her alone and yet I have to leave her. My kids are in good shape at my sisters for now. I think I will stay to make sure she is safe.

Hanna

sciatica - I am so sorry you are going through this. So crazy, stressful, terrifying. Just remember it won't always be like it is at this moment. Keep posting. So glad your kids are safe. She doesn't hate you. That's just something A's say when they are trying to keep their own attention off of themselves and how much they hate their own behavior. You know this, right? Will be praying for you and for your wife.

Ladybug0130

She will lash out at you because she is very scared and can't believe this is happening, that you have finally taken a stand. She will make this all your fault somehow and will use every trick in the book to try to make you feel that it is so she doesn't have to be responsible. You know what is right though, stick to your guns. She must be in long term care, and you must start doing the painful but necessary things to try and make this situation okay for your kids. For me, it meant going from affluence to poverty in a pretty short period of time, but we are making it work. I didn't see any other way, and truly, it is better to be poor than to live with a dangerous, active alcoholic. I really wish you the best. Hope she gets better.

skippernlilg

You've come to the right place, and yes, you have done the right thing for your children. Our first job as parents is to provide a safe environment for our children so they can thrive. Anything less is neglect at best, and abuse at worst.

I'm an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). I wish my sober parent could have had such a clear head. It's taking me years and years of recovery to finally lead a life with both feet on the ground. My issue even has perpetuated into an adult relationship with another alcoholic, just as statistics predict....

bless5

So sorry for your pain. Saying Prayers for you. Please find your local al-anon. Keep your children safe. You are their only protector right now.

sciatica

I just returned from my first Alanon. I listened and talked to a lot of people and and have gained some good insight. I also found my wifes new sponsor's # and talked to her. This, Alanon, the sponsor have all been a great help today. I have had a lot of these days, but today was very trying. I wasn't going to go to the meeting because I was afraid my wife would hurt herself. Her sponsor convinced me that if my wife is going to hurt herself, she is going to do it with me there or without me and I need to get to a meeting. I can't control her actions and I can't babysit her all night and all day tomorrow and the next day. I have to let go. It's not easy. How do you not try to protect the ones you love so dearly? I learned a lot about control today...I have none. Not over this terrible addiction. Tonight I am going to start healing the one thing I do have control of...myself. I am going to start by getting a good nights sleep and I think I will actually sleep tonight. Thank you all for your prayers and support, this thread has been a crutch for me today. Keep the prayers and good vibes coming this way, I think it's working.

Ponder

Thoughts and prayers to you and the children. I'll chime in with another, "you did the right thing" because it's absolutely true!

Seren

((sciatica)) I'm glad you were able to get some face-to-face support! Many of us have found it to be absolutely invaluable.

Post here anytime! We are open 24/7/365!!

strugglingsis

Wow, I'm new here too. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds pretty similar to what I have experienced in the past with my brother, refusing the help and stuff.
You have done the best thing removing the children from the situation, she will miss them terribly, but you are right you cannot babysit her 24/7. If she is going to hurt herself, she will do it. My brother has attempted this before as a cry for help, he took a whole bunch of pills a few years ago in a bus station and then immediately sought help.
I really hope everything works out well for you. Thinking of you, your children and your wife
SS x

sissy1980m

The same thing happened to me, I am an addict and have 3 beautiful kids, 10, 9. and 4. Its a horrible disease that controls every partof your life. You are doing the rite thing, thats what my childrens father done, i went to treatment and came out and he took the kids and moved to another area, but i have been doing better thanks to AA and God. If she is sick and tired of being sick and tired, and wants recovery, she needs to be more open with you and do everything you can to support her!!! Good luck to you and God Bless

Cyranoak

Please continue with Alanon. IMHO it is what, ultimately, will save you. It may not work as fast as you want it to, but if you keep an open mind and work the program I believe your will find some serenity whether your wife keeps drinking or not.

In the recovery community some marriages survive and some don't. It's not about saving marriages. It's about saving people. Years later after multiple rehabs my wife is currently sober and active in the AA community for the first time (the only time she's been able to maintain sobriety is while actively working AA). Currently. It could end tomorrow. That's marriage to an alcoholic. I've been active in Alanon since 2003 and I'm very thankful to the program for helping me to survive.

We both lived, barely, but my daughter who is now 16 and was five when my wife started drinking uncontrollably is the real victim. I wish I had started Alanon well before I did because I could have spared her an enormous amount of pain and been a much better father. I have to live with that. You, however, have a chance to do it before more damage is done and I'll encourage you to do just that.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

bless5

I agree totally - WISE WORDS INDEED!

Congratulations on that first giant step. Going to your first Alanon meeting feels like you are jumping off a cliff - but is so comforting with the net of support you receive there catches you. I will continue to pray for peace for you all!